I've been a mixed and mangled bag of emotions lately. Its up, then its down and then its back up again. I guess thats partially what makes me a woman, maybe? :) I was playing with Noah the other day and he was whispering sweet things to me like "Mommy, I love you" and "Mommy, I think your butiful (how he says beautiful)". I would giggle, say "OH THANK YOU!!" and give him a smooch. I can't get this moment out of my head because it was soooo sweet. And then I took a turn and whispered into his sweet little ear "Noah, your kindness makes me sooo happy" and he looked at me blank faced and said "Mom, remember, my ears don't work good like yours". I was heartbroken. I still am. We had home hearing therapy this a.m. and I have it tomorrow in Mankato and I'm just in a silly rut of feeling sorry for us. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, more for them if anything. But, I am selfish and asking the famous questions.. "WHY US???"
At my nieces 5th birthday party, Noah was playing with the kids at the party. One of the little boys that was there was playing Doctor. He had a stethoscope and wanted some help putting it on. I felt a little bit sad because it was at that moment I thought "well, there goes the idea of the kids growing up and becoming doctors". I must have blurted that negative thought out loud because a sweet friend assured me that there would definitely be something that our kids could use to be doctors and that would never hold them back! How fortunate am I to be surrounded by such thoughtful and genuinely kind people? If only I could just let go of the 'what ifs' and the 'why me's'...
Were creating a summer schedule for the kids' hearing therapy. I'm feeling like such a bad mom, because I really just want to enjoy the summer!!!! I want to put Noah in T-ball, have sparatic playdates, join a playgroup, do swimming lessons, take unplanned walks and stay in our PJ's til we decide we want to get on with our day!! It's really not that I don't want my kids to learn language and expand their vocabularies over this summer, but I just want to be normal. I want to ditch the hearing therapy schedule and pretend like nothing is wrong with them. When I look at them, I don't automatically think they have hearing impairments. I look at them and see cute, rambunctious, sneaky, loving little Steffens :) It's not like we don't talk to them and they are struggling terribly.. so am I out of line that I want to cut down the therapy time???
Sometimes I get frustrated with the little things. For example, Kendra's right CI processor is in need of repair and Miles just got fitted for a new ear molds which once he gets that I'm praying he will be less likely to have them just pop right out of his ear. His aids are sooooo tiny, which cosmetically are really nice because they are hardly noticeable. HOWEVER, this mama is pretty sick and tired of searching all of this house for them!!!! The ear molds should help to solve that little issue. Noah is eligible for a new hearing aid. The technology has gotten better and since his recent Audiology appointment determined that his hearing has not dropped significantly enough for another implant, we've been in and out of appointments for that. I'm just getting burnt out. I want to do everything I can for them, but I want to still have energy and time to do the simple things with them :) When it comes to the implants and hearing aids, I care sooo much less about how that makes them look different than I used to. I've realized that the kids are more than capable of making friends and it helps with the friendships my husband and I have, our kids usually get built in friendships. Mostly, I've just decided that its who we are, not how we look that is going to determine our quality of life.
I'm sure this feeling is just a stage of life that will come and go.. Right now I just really needed to get it off my chest...
Back to the sunny side of life :). Our preschool teacher has multiple times assured us that Noah is ready to go to Kindergarden. Her only comment was that sometimes it takes him longer to process directions or hear the task at hand, but this is something that he will always have to deal with. Kendra Louise is a smarty-pants. Maybe sassy, smarty-pants is more appropriate. She is 28 months old and her comprehension of language peaks at the 30 month old level. Thats right folks, she is ahead of the game!!!! Praise God for the mighty works he has enabled us to do with Ms. Sassy-Smarty-Pants!!! :) Oh boy, she is a tough one. A lot of times I'm not really sure if she is listening to me, because she just won't give me the satisfaction. It has been rewarding to see that even when I'm sure she is flat out ignoring me, she is taking it all in!! Must be the womanly ability to multi-task in her :). My Milesy is going to either be a dancer, singer or ball player! He is 15 months old and his talent is undeniable :) Haha, he will be moonwalking in no time ;)
We've been on the house-hunt lately. Searching for homes in both St. James and Windom and even considering Mt. Lake. We've mostly, sorta, almost (just to make it clear ;)) decided that we would like to stay in Windom. We really enjoy the relationships we have built and maintained here and we truly believe that not only our quality of life but also our kids' quality of life will be better here. All 3 of our kids have been blessed with WONDERFUL, AMAZING and LOVING friendships. *brushing my shoulder* Thanks to some networking by their equally pretty amazing parents ;). But seriously, they are accepted and enjoyed by many families in this community and for that we are FOREVER greatful. We've been embraced by so many people here, its hard to leave it all behind. Yesterday I poked into the church nursery to check on my 2 littlest and I saw Miles getting the best of care by a dear friend who was juggling far too many children by herself. But, I was just in awe looking at how she gave it her all and he was able to find comfort in her. Then, when I went to pick the kids up.. and I'm not sure how I am always the last parent to get in there..(probably something I need to work on!) But I saw yet another good friend, and he was reaching his arms out to her and finding security in her being there with him. My heart was melting with complete gratitude to those ladies!! I've even enlisted the help of a couple of friends to watch the boys when I've taken Kendra to Mankato for hearing therapy (which is something I've been too shy and reserved to do). I was able to beat the bus back the one day and to my amazement, Noah was completely depressed to see that he was dropped off at home and not at his friends house. To me, that meant he completely enjoyed his time spent at their house.
Wow, much better. Thanks for listening and also for recognizing that while were not always chasing rainbows of happiness and butterflies of joy, that doesn't mean that were any less greatful for the blessings that have been presented before us. Thanks for being my blessing :)
