I've got a crazy kind of LOVE!

Oh my is the sun shining BRIGHT today!!!!

Seriously, today has been a beautiful day for the Steffen family.  Aubree and Noah went to the audiologist today (I know.. shocking, seems were there fairly regularly).  Words cannot even describe how amazing I am feeling about our journey right now.  Where we've come from and especially where we are going.  I am over the moon excited for Monday, when we activate Aubrees second implant.  Ohh, it's love. 

All you mommy's, daddy's, aunts, uncles, grams and gramps, and friends that could basically classify as family to others get this.  Love makes you crazy.  I know I am not the only one.  But, you know when your going through some things and your really just wondering "what's going to happen" or "how is this going to work out" and even "am I making the right decision" or "did I handle this the right way".  When you love someone, those are really high priority questions, sometimes even with the minimal decisions.  We all have 'whoopsies' and portions of days or even full days that we really just wish we could do-over.  That's what LOVE does to us.  It makes us CrAzY!!!!  We want to do it right.  We want to do our loved ones justice in the way that we impact their lives. 

Relate to me, here.  You love your son or daughter or maybe its a niece or a nephew so much that sometimes you just go nuts.  Hmm.. should my son play basketball??  He's not reeeaaalllly getting it... hmm.  WRONG.  Boy were we wrong.  Noah ROCKED that basketball court yesterday.  You throw some color coordinated jerseys on so that he understood who was on his team and bingo-bango-bongo, he got it!  His dad and I were kicking ourselves about the fact that we didn't play one-on-one or spend more time teaching him the basics, when in actuality, we had spent a fair amount of time building up his balling skill set.  He might not be the next Michael Jordan, but he doesn't need to be.  Now, just a day later I thing hahaha, hilarious.  I really stressed about that.  I felt bad, and for what?  That my son wasn't 'better' at basketball?  I just love the kid so much, I want him to be good at everything.  My love for him makes me CRAZY!

Wives, can you relate to this one?  My husband is great at what he does.  He is an awesome manager.  Thankfully, I work with him and 'get' what he does and where his mind goes.  He is definitely a thinker/dreamer/make-it-better kind of guy.  He has all sorts of ideas for work and sometimes I raise my eyebrows and think "wow... you really are something ;)"  But I love that about him because he is always trying to be a part of something great.  That's why he has achieved sooo many great things.  But, I'm crazy!  Really, I am.  I don't care that he spent a majority of our drive to the doctor today on the phone working out 'work' things or that he buzzed in and out of our appointments for the same cause.  I appreciate that about him!  But, I'm crazy! :)  Sometimes, I get insecure about my parenting.  I'm worried because he leaves for work and ta-da --- its just me those little Steffens get.  For many hours in a day, I'm it.  I'm the referee, the teacher, the librarian, lunch lady and I'm their mommy.  So what do I say to my husband?  Literally, I told him last week that if Aubree is not successful with her CI's, it is ALLLLL MYYY FAULT!!!  That is truly how I felt, because I spend so much time with her and was running out of steam with her CI.  I guilted him into staying home to help me make the decision the day before her surgery, because I just couldn't have that sit on my heart alone.

I told you, I'm crazy.  I love Aubree sooo much, that I just want to do everything I can for her.  Some real hard truth is about to be dropped right here.  Last week, I really had my husband and I questioning whether or not Aubree should get her second implant.  I questioned if her first processor was working and whether I would want to put my baby girl through that procedure if I didn't think the first one was any benefit to her.  I loved her so much, I got irrational and a lot of bit crazy!  She had only been activated for a couple weeks, how could I think I knew this wasn't working?  Our deaf and hard of hearing teacher had really been hitting us hard with questions about Aubrees ANSD and I started to question if CI's would work for her.  I didn't see a jolting response from the first CI and started to worry.  In hindsight, I wish that teacher wouldn't have shared a lack of success story just 5 days out of activation with us.  It wasn't a good place for my mommy heart.  So what does this crazy in love mommy do?? She cries.  She worries about it and even goes so far as to convince her husband that maybe everything we had once believed would be right for us, is so wrong.

Today was a milestone day for me.  I truly believe that it is ok to have INCH-stones.  Yes, inch-stones.  We don't have to go miles and miles of progress everyday, and reaching and celebrating the inches is what is best for our family right now.  Aubree is doing amazing.  My little girl is doing incredible and she is hearing.  When we go to Mayo and everyone recognizes us, they know how hard we worked just to get these surgeries done and how amazing our older kids have done and they let us be involved in the hearing booth tests -- the feeling of gratitude is overwhelming.  I LOVE the fact that we chose to take Noah to this facility, 7 years ago.

So what did I learn today??  I'm crazy.

I'm crazy in love with my family.  This is probably the single best explanation I could give to people when they ask me what I do with my children that has got them where they are today.  When I mentor mamas from now on, I'm going to be sure to tell them to ignite that crazy love in their hearts and give it all they have.  Dig deep, parents.  Don't be afraid to ask questions and wonder.  It's like my husband at work, his ideas are out there... BUT GO AHEAD AND GO OUT THERE!!!  Reel yourself back in, but for Pete's/Karen's/Joe's sake, love them like CRAZY!

I'm back

I took a few months worth of a "break" from sharing my thoughts.  I did not even make notes to reflect or take much time to process how things made me feel.  I had what I thought to be a true "break-up" with my blog "whatrtheodds".  Nobody will notice, I convinced myself.  People don't expect me to have the time to pound out the keyboard for an hour and spill my soul.  It was November, and my husband said to me "that sounds like a blog post coming on".  I brushed it off, thought nah.  It didn't even entice me (although remembering this comment, I cannot recall what the situation was we were talking about :( bummer... maybe there is some logic to those 'notes' I would write (or text) myself).  Later, a great friend of mine gifted me a coffee mug with the words "Every Day is a Gift" ha!  Catchy :)  Those words, so familiar.  A handwritten note praising my experiences and my abilities to write about them.  I was still not shaken.  Christmastime rolled around and one of Matt's aunts gave me the "eye-contact/I'm here for you/I want to give you an encouraging word" talk in regards to my blog.  I was shocked that she was a reader!  Still not convinced I had anything worthy of sharing, I wrote no notes.  Just a few weeks ago, a McDonald's playland date led me to lunch with a couple of great girlfriends.  One of them says "Can this be your new blog???"  I'm pretty sure I just shrugged my shoulders, shook my head and smiled.  I still had no motivation to write.  Were my experiences helping anyone??  Was I crazy for ever thinking it was necessary to publish my highs/lows and all the in-betweens?  Maybe a little bit.  But I'm back, at least for now.  I think my 3 month break has taught me something BIG.  Maybe even HUGE!  I have a lot of feelings and emotions and some people really do appreciate what I have to say.  Most importantly, my experiences matter.  They are me, and my family- and we really are some kind of special.

Here goes nothing!

So much has changed in these past few months.  Lets start with the youngest for a change.  My sweet Baylee Renae is a feisty little sassy pants jokester.  She is brilliant, talkative, full of energy, loves sweet peas, bananas and splashing in the bath tub.  Splash as in FLOOD the entire bathroom.  She has figured out how to be happier during the day and is my best sleeper.  She is ready for bed by 8 p.m. and she DOES need her beauty sleep.  Temperamental, yes.  Some habits are harder to break ;).  I sure do love that youngest little lady of mine.  Especially when she reaches her arms out for me and waddles (yep, she waddles) towards me with her hands opening and closing as if to say "gimme-gimme".

Aubree Ashley is the easy going polar opposite of her little sister Bay.  Although Bay outweighs her sister by a solid couple of pounds, Aubs is a couple inches taller.  Aubree is a sweet little dare devil.  If we don't lock the doors, she will open them and head outside, right down the steps.  No fear in that little one.  She loves when her daddy tickles her and throws her high in the air.  Seventeen days ago, Aubree finally recieved her first CI.  10 days ago, we were live!  Her cochlear implant was activated.  It was a long and rocky road, complete with a couple of let downs where we actually made our way to surgery day only to be sent home.  Most recently, this past Monday, we were supposed to get her 2nd side implanted when our Doctor was ill and unable to perform surgery.  Were just happy that she recovered so nicely from her first surgery.  Oh, and the new technology is amazing!!  A remote that beeps when she takes her implant off, genius :)

Miles is doing awesome.  He loves school and has been figuring out how to go to bed at a decent hour!  Miraculous.  I didn't think we would ever get as far as we've come with this issue, and there is still room to go.  Miles loves wearing his hearing aids now, were just working on getting him to realize when the batteries are dead so we can give him sound as opposed to shouting and wondering why he doesn't respond ;).  Were hoping the new method will be more effective, eventually.

Kendra just turned 5.  I can't hardly believe my baby girl is 5!!  She asks me more often than I'd wished how many days before kindergarten.  HAHA!  Soon enough, little lady.  Its way too early for a countdown.  For Kendras birthday, my mom sent my sister and Matt (and I tagged along) to get her ears pierced.  I don't handle painful situations with the most grace, so initially I was not expected to be able to handle an ear piercing.  I proved those neigh-sayers wrong!  Kendra did sooo amazing, I was even able to video it.  Although, I looked away when they were saying 3,2,1.  Kendra was able to come with us to Aubrees activation.  She had a dentist appointment (multi-tasking, have to take advantage of those times Hubby is home and were going out of town) and afterwards she sat in on our appointment with the audiologist.  We also saw the surgeon that day, and it was incredibly encouraging how proud and wide they smiled at how great Kendras speech was.  She not-so-humbly would say "I know" when they would complement her.  Were going to work on that :)

Noah is the most amazing 7 year old I could have ever imagined having.  Last night at Awana, he got his quarter in the jar (a game they play with their "dues" they bring each week) and earned a piece of candy.  He was also a book finished which awarded him another piece of candy.  Lastly, his team won the collaborative group challenge and that made 3 pieces of candy.  I looked over at his proud, partially toothless grin and he licked his lips and smiled some more.  He walked over to me at the end and said "I have three candies so now Kendra and Milesy can each get one too".  My heart was full, and the craziest part was how predictable this situation was.  I knew it before he even announced that this would be his idea.  I'm blessed with some of the most selfless and wonderful kids.

In a nutshell, I've been feeling less than prepared for all of the little swerves and curves life has thrown at me.  It would seem that nothing should really throw me into a mental state of shock anymore, yet I tend to react in that sort of a manner.  The biggest thing that has been crippling my heart lately is still the unknown with Aubree.  Her auditory neuropathy is still the road less traveled for us.  I've been reading blog posts and hearing testimonials from other parents with children that have chosen this route.  Unfortunately, the results are not always the same.  I'm really hoping and praying that Aubree will be one of the big success stories.  Just like her brothers and sister.  There is always a reality that I need to sink my teeth into.  That may not be the case, and it's really too early to tell.  Lord providing, I am the mother that Aubree needs, and Matt and I are the parents that God designed to nurture, love and raise her.  Whatever challenges are ahead of me, I just hope I have the personal strength to trust God and move through.

It's not always easy.  Yesterday was hard.  I cried and cried, just wondering what the future for my kids looks like.  I sat on the floor and played ponies.  I was prancing them around and playing with Aubree and Miles.  The tears started streaming and Kendra walked over to me and grabbed my face and hugged me.  She said "Why you sad, Mama?"  I just told her "My heart was having a hard day".  She said "I love your heart, even if its broken Mom,  I love you to the moon and back".  Of course, I cried a little harder.  We completed our play-time with some rattles and nursery rhymes.  The 5 of us were enjoying ourselves and in that moment, I knew I was enough.