Its happening. I'm sunk. Every peg in my battleship has been guessed and I am out. Every one of my weak points in this strong female mind has been under attack. I'm hurting. I know better, and I know there has to be rain before the rainbow but that is not what I want to hear right now. I realize that every family, every individual has SOMETHING they have to handle or deal with. However, I don't want to hear it. I am selfish, and I really just feel that I deserve the right to be a bit angry. I'm reaching out in a way that isn't all that common, but its real. Aubrees hearing is not getting any better. If anything, it has gotten worse. My sweet little blue eyed girl is probably about to go through a really turbulent ride for this next year or two. We WILL get through this. We will land on our feet. But truth be told, my heart is hurting.
I lay awake in bed at night and I cry. I worry about all my children, I'm a mom and that is part of the job. I'm afraid of what the kids say, I'm saddened at the people who will reject them. This day and age, we don't even have to have outward differences for people to pick on, judge, ignore or leave us out. Sometimes I take a little bit of comfort knowing that I birthed my kids a little community all of their own. Other times that same little community plagues me with pain. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. Yet selfishly, in some of my weakest moments I have asked God "why were the twins given to me?" I wanted one more child and He gave me two. I'm such a jerk. I can't even imagine life without both of them, yet I question God's design in choosing me to raise His children. I think to myself, "what is wrong with me??" But then, I remember. These feelings are familiar. I've had all these same pains before. I've always risen up and Lord willing, gotten stronger. I will likely be grieving and mourning in between episodes of complete joy for my family over the next year. Prayers are welcomed, and I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me. However, I feel like I have earned every right as a mom of 4 out of 5 deaf or hard of hearing children, to be completely covered in a worrying moms grief. In my small group, our most recent session was on having empathy in our marriage. Not sympathy, where you say "I'm so sorry that your feeling this way" but instead, sticking yourself in someone elses shoes, as Jesus did and, and truly trying to understand the situation. This little lesson on empathy really rang true to me!! I coupled that with an amazing talk with a good friend who reminded me that it's ok to be hurt and sad about sad and hurtful situations. The most important thing is that we don't lose sight of the fact that God LOVES us!!! Just because bad things happen, does not mean that He loves us any less. I have not forgotten that!! I wish I could say I was this perfect Christian mother who has no fears because God is in control and He will see us through, therefore I have no worries. I do believe that God is in control and He will see us through, however I am human and He is SOOOO much greater and bigger than I can grasp, so I worry! I look at my oldest son, Noah. He is a true champion at life. Nothing holds that boy back. Six years ago, I grieved this very same predicament. Only then, I had no idea what was ahead of me. You would think that having the experience I have would free me from the feelings I'm having. Its just not the case. I know the end result has just as much potential for Aubree as it has been for Noah, Kendra and even Miles. However, there is a struggle and it is not all handed to us on a silver platter. I wrote this "letter" to moms that are in the thick of it, like I am right now. I hope someone can find comfort, if not a better understanding for where my heart is.
Dearest Mommy,
I know the news is hard to handle. Your wondering, "Why me??" and "Why my sweet little child??" While you were pregnant you had thoughts and dreams. You imagined what your sweet little love seed would grow to look like? You?? Your Husband? Even better, a perfect combination of the both of you. You never imagined anything but perfection out of your unborn child. I know its hard to see it right now, but your child is just the way he/she is supposed to be. And guess what, you still have every reason to feel the way your feeling. You might lie awake at night, as your husband snores beside you. You might quietly sob at thoughts of your child being recognized as "different". If your like me, you will wonder "Will they be accepted, will they find love??" I don't know the answers to everything, but I do know that you have the power in you to love them regardless to any situation that you get presented with. The days might seem long and you will have to make difficult decisions. For me, surgery to implant a medical device that changed their outward appearance but gave them opportunities to communicate the same way I do was not as easy as it sounds. Once you make decisions, you might question yourself. Maybe you will go back and forth and question whether your doing enough? Who can measure enough?? Don't hold yourself to that. Try hard and be willing to adapt to your situation. For me, hearing aids and cochlear implants were a nightmare at first. Sorry, but its the truth. But somehow, I got through those rougher days with each of my children. I just kept trying and trying. They would lose their hearing device, I would hunt for it. They would bite their ear mold until it was no longer able to fit in their ear. They sucked on it in the car when I was unable to reach them. My heart would be up to my throat in fear that they would break this expensive and important equipment. And they did. But we repaired it and we moved forward. It wasn't easy. It isn't easy. I ask them to do something, they don't respond. I ask again, questioning if they heard me. A sharp response back indicates they did hear me, but chose not to respond. It will happen, trust me. They will develop and you will be proud. They will hit goals and you will celebrate. They might struggle to communicate with their peers. You might drive by slowly while they are at recess and spy on your little one. Hoping and praying that he hasn't spent another recess on the swings by himself. When you see him on the swings, you might well up with tears. But that is okay! I'ts going to be okay and you will get through this. It's okay to be sad and its okay to worry for your little loves. Don't feel bad for feeling. I hid my true emotions for a long time, fearing that people would not "get" it or judge me and maybe even discredit my faith. Feel proud for caring and trying and wanting nothing but the best for your blessing. Just don't forget that very simple piece to this difficult and trying time in your life. Your child is a blessing and nothing short of a miracle. You are not alone in this difficult time, and because your not alone, neither am I.
Sincerely,
A mama with one foot still stuck in the mud
I don't know what you've been through or what you will end up going through in the future. What I do know is that it's ok for you to feel. Never let this world convince you that you have no right to be full of emotions. I believe there is a bigger picture, and I find comfort in God's word. I hope you can find peace in balancing your emotions and leaning on a higher power.
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 “For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”
