Wowza, it is Dec. 1 and 2017 is just 31 days short of coming to an end. I genuinely cannot believe how gorgeous it is outside right now. The sun is shining, the temperature is bearable. Christmas is just around the corner and a chance at a fresh start to a new year is within finger grasp. Gods design is indeed a good one :)
Frankly, I am not sure if I want to embrace a new 2018 or if I want to run and hide. This year was filled with a complete mash up of different experiences, both good and bad, and I have this horrible condition where I am always standing "at guard", preparing myself for the good, bad and the ugly... mostly expecting the ugly. Some might think that is not a way to live life, I would say that it's the only way I can get by. My boss often will say "Under promise and over perform". I say "Plan for the worst and pray for the best".
Currently, we are trying to keep Kendra's right ear drum as dry as possible. I've talked about it before, but she has a hole in her right ear. The hole is caused from a set of tubes that may have fallen out prematurely (commonly happens, but usually doesn't cause issue) and for some reason it is not growing back together (which is what usually would happen). We have given it about 7 years, in hopes (and many prayers) that the situation would resolve itself (no such luck). What this has meant for Kendra is = ear pain, ear infection, smelly drainage from her ear. Our ENT finally said, "It's time we take some corrective action". Our main mission has been to keep Kendra healthy and her ears dry for the past 2 months. At the end of January we need to bring Kendra in to have our ENT check out her ear and make sure that the antibiotics and ear drops have cleared up any liquid that may have been harboring back there. Its important to have it dry, because they are essentially going to put what they call a "sheet" in her ear and replace her ear drum. This ear has been patched once, it did not take (not a common thing to not work, either). If all is well, Kendra will have surgery in the first couple weeks of February.
I have not talked to Kendra about this process, she would freak. She had an in-grown toenail during the later part of summer. She gave us some backlash when it came to trying to treat and take care of it so Matt ever so MAN-gently (is that a thing?? Well if it wasn't, it is now) told Kendra that if she didn't let us take care of her toe, she might have to have a little surgery on her toe to fix it.
I kid you not, the kid cried for days. So many tears. She would wake up in the middle of the night and yell for mom or dad and then she would pray aloud for her toe to get better so she wouldn't need surgery. Mind you, when she wakes up in the night, she can't hear us. We can hear her, but she has no sound without her cochlear implants on. She would just want us to come in and she would pray and I know the girl knows that when two or more gather to pray.....
So basically, my sweet little 7 year old prayed (and followed the recommendations of her dear mom and dad) her ingrown toenail away.
The surgery she will have is generally not a big deal. Generally. You all have come to love, know and appreciate that the Steffens are not a "general" case. Kendra has an electrically wired cochlea. The cochlear implant that you see on the outside only works because of this beautifully crafted electrode that is ever so perfectly placed inside of her snail shaped cochlea. All should go just wonderful and great with the surgery. The surgeon told me that she is confident in this procedure, however, she has never had to do it for someone who is a CI recipient. It changes the game plan a little bit.... which is probably why this has been almost 7 years in the making. As with any procedure, there are risks. Our hope is that everything goes off without a hitch and the procedure is quick and recovery for Kendra be smooth.
So if you feel so led, please pray for our sweet girl Kendra. This has been a struggle, her whole life. Ears are so much of all of our lives, but Kendra really has battled ear infections for far too long. We can't wait to have this experience behind us.
There have been plenty of things to rejoice about. It's been a growing year (and maybe they all are, in adulthood I don't know if there is such a thing as a "comfortable" year).
We have experienced a new connection with our Lord and Savior through a new church that our community has been blessed with. That is the bright side of what felt like a break-up with our former church. It was really hard to walk away from a place where you surrendered your life to God through baptism, married your spouse, developed some of your deepest and most meaningful relationships and really where I personally accepted Christ.
We were in a rough spot with some things and talking to Matt's cousin Sam and he listened, nodded and validated our thoughts on why we should stay there if we felt the Lord was asking us to. But then he said "Are you being filled?" --- it was striking. We weren't feeling filled at all. We had been lack-of-attenders for quite a season at that point. Prayerfully considering attendance regularly, but really feeling so much more consumed and if I dare say... our presence did not feel missed or needed. That was just a personal reflection, and we all know that when we look in the mirror we don't always see what others see. Like all things in life, we were not quick to pull the trigger and leave the church until about 6 weeks later. We were actually all set and hesitantly planning to attend church at a building with a body that we so appreciated and missed, until I opened the mail and opened what felt like a break up letter at the time. I bawled like a baby.
It was fair. The letter was more than fair, something that I have referred to several times. We had not been attending regularly if at all, and they wanted to know our commitment. Truthfully, we broke the bounds of our agreement before our church reached out with a letter asking us "if we were in or out". I just couldn't believe no one called and checked on us. I started thinking selfish and unfair thoughts and it really just tanked my prayer life. While I hadn't been attending church, I was steadfast in praying for healing for my church family, praying for my family-- in and through all things. I had been steady in the word and keeping the church sermons a regular part of my week, following online.
After the note, I checked out. Poor Matt, he really wanted to spiritually lead our family and I was like a brick wall. Done.
Finally, in the early part of 2017 we were invited to what started as a small group and then merged into a bigger "small" group. This group has led us to where we are now, happily worshiping and earnestly accepting a spirit led and very fulfilling church life.
This change of events has really turned into a bittersweet blessing. I'm at a place now that I feel so VERY fortunate that I can invite friends and think that they will receive a message that will fill them as much as it fills me. I'm at a place in life where I want to go out and plant and sew seeds and tell everyone the GOOD NEWS!!! The Lord has led me to a place that was always there, it was right there in my heart. He found the keys and unlocked the door and my eyes are wide open and willing. I wasn't so much willing before. I was broken for a season and He repaired me and made me whole again.
I know that seasons can come and seasons can go. A big part of me misses my old life at my old church with my old friends. Many people have moved, many things have changed and that is the way the God intended it to be. His design is right. He makes no mistakes. But I don't think that means that I can't miss what used to be, worry about what is to come, or move on when the time has come. I'm thankful for grace, because I know that my mind really is a battlefield. I'm thankful for hope. Only time can tell what is going to be next.
Prayerfully, this next year of "growth" will prove to feel a little bit more stable than the last 30 :)-- but then..... would that really make me the MEEEEE that you all just love so much??
Friday, December 1, 2017
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
I gotchu babe..
August? How did I not see you coming??
This summer is really flying by. My July calendar was jam packed with different events, activities, commitments and appointments for the kids. I definitely over committed, yet when I look back, there isn't really anything that I would have changed about how we spent our time.
If you've read my blog before, you are familiar that I am a walking, talking lesson learning machine. I always have my eyes and ears open, actively anticipating the lesson I am supposed to be soaking up during the seasons of life. This summer I think there have been very clear messages laid out for me to take in:
Show up. Reach out. Manage your busy- (you will live, I promise). Talk to God. Don't dwell, sweetheart. Move forward productively lamb chop. (I have to say those lovingly, because my love language is words of affirmation... so maybe this lesson will soak in more and more if I puff myself up ;)). Be thankful, even for the chaos.
You have to show up, even when its hard. Sometimes it is well past my comfort zone, but if I don't give it a try, I just wonder and dwell on the experience that I missed out on.
You've got to reach out. My lady friends will tell you, this is not my strongest attribute. I am not incredible about initiating contact. However, I know that my friends deserve this from me. I want them in my life. Let's take that a step further, I NEED them in my life. Receiving snail mail from my friends has shiver shocked me into tears a few times this summer.. it's such a blessing when you know that someone is thinking of you, praying for you and LOVING you. Do yourself a favor, be that blessing to someone. You won't regret it.
Manage your busy, with a smile. I have a lot of kids. Sometimes it feels like I have 24 three year olds.. They keep me busy and its not always a kind of busy that I have the patience to be thankful for. This summer, we had a boat and lake day at my brother and sister in laws house. All was amazing, surrounded by friends and family-- what was there not to be thankful for?? Until, all of a sudden my good friend Jez shouted from the dock "uh-oh, I think there was a sibling who pushed another sibling into the lake with their devices on"..... duh.. duh... duhhhhhhhn. The air went from light and fluffy to heavy and stale. I was left with a grief stricken 9 year old (who had shoved his 7 year old sister in the lake) and a wise beyond her years 7 year old (who held onto her CI's as opposed to plugging her nose as she was pushed in).
Kendra came up out of the water and her CI's were.... lets just say not sounding right. She was so proud that her ears had not fallen off in the lake, because she had held on to them tight as she swam to the ladder and got out of the water. But she was tearful, because she just wanted to hear and her CI's were not working.
Renae the mom had to go off-duty for a hot second and become Renae the cochlear implant extraordinaire. I thought to myself, great, there is no back up here. I felt a sort of panic, because one of Kendra's CI's is out of warranty. There was also the fact that we were supposed to be having this great time socializing with all these people, and right now her world was quiet. I went in the house and I had a mini pity party, feeling guilty for the look of destruction that passed over my face that my 9 year old witnessed over his 'fun-loving' brotherly act of pushing his sister in. I felt overwhelmed by deafness and the innocence of having a little beach day fun-- and being a kid. It was kind of like my family was robbed of a freedom, robbed of an experience. So maybe it wasn't a mini-party. I think I had a full out tantrum, by myself.
Finally, I took a few deep breaths. I guess I laced up my boots, so to speak and decided I needed to do what ever I could to make this situation better.
Don't dwell. Move forward in a productive way. I said a little prayer and I believe the words that came out of my mouth were "Lord, if you don't want this cochlear implant to work, I will trust that that is right"..... "but please, please, please.. just let it be fixable" ----- guess I'm not afraid to beg.
So... I took all the pieces apart to let them dry out. I didn't have our CI dryer from home, so I decided to use a hair dryer on cool to lightly blow out all of the cables. I inspected all of the pieces, decided they looked dry enough and reassembled the cochlear implant. I went to find Kendra, to have the moment of truth when she put the CI's back on......
"They work mama, it doesn't sound like "wshhhwshhhwshhhzaaaap" anymore!"
Be thankful. Even in the midst of this incredibly chaotic situation, the feeling of complete relief overwhelmed my whole body. Minutes later, my Noah walked in the house. Noah is a boy full of shoulder shrugs and few words. He walked straight up to my chest and buried his face full of tears into me. Conviction.
Actions are as loud as words, play fair. I know the face that I gave Noah was powerful enough to crush even the strongest of spirits. It wasn't fair of me. I need to learn how to control my face, my reactions and my emotions. My kids are 10 (ahhhhh!!! I have a 10 year old..) 7, 6, 3 and 3 --- they don't need to have any burden from my reactions. Do I mean that they need no discipline? Ahh,, no. I'm raising real life human beings who are going to go into the world and make it a better place. What I mean is, kids can be kids. Even deaf kids. It is a lesson that I have to remind myself regularly.
And that was just one snippet in time from this summer shenanigans. However, those have been the recurring themes.
In all things in this life I'm living, I feel like I want to have complete and total control. With unending support and love, my heavenly father has continually whispered to me "Igotchu babe"...
This summer is really flying by. My July calendar was jam packed with different events, activities, commitments and appointments for the kids. I definitely over committed, yet when I look back, there isn't really anything that I would have changed about how we spent our time.
If you've read my blog before, you are familiar that I am a walking, talking lesson learning machine. I always have my eyes and ears open, actively anticipating the lesson I am supposed to be soaking up during the seasons of life. This summer I think there have been very clear messages laid out for me to take in:
Show up. Reach out. Manage your busy- (you will live, I promise). Talk to God. Don't dwell, sweetheart. Move forward productively lamb chop. (I have to say those lovingly, because my love language is words of affirmation... so maybe this lesson will soak in more and more if I puff myself up ;)). Be thankful, even for the chaos.
You have to show up, even when its hard. Sometimes it is well past my comfort zone, but if I don't give it a try, I just wonder and dwell on the experience that I missed out on.
You've got to reach out. My lady friends will tell you, this is not my strongest attribute. I am not incredible about initiating contact. However, I know that my friends deserve this from me. I want them in my life. Let's take that a step further, I NEED them in my life. Receiving snail mail from my friends has shiver shocked me into tears a few times this summer.. it's such a blessing when you know that someone is thinking of you, praying for you and LOVING you. Do yourself a favor, be that blessing to someone. You won't regret it.
Manage your busy, with a smile. I have a lot of kids. Sometimes it feels like I have 24 three year olds.. They keep me busy and its not always a kind of busy that I have the patience to be thankful for. This summer, we had a boat and lake day at my brother and sister in laws house. All was amazing, surrounded by friends and family-- what was there not to be thankful for?? Until, all of a sudden my good friend Jez shouted from the dock "uh-oh, I think there was a sibling who pushed another sibling into the lake with their devices on"..... duh.. duh... duhhhhhhhn. The air went from light and fluffy to heavy and stale. I was left with a grief stricken 9 year old (who had shoved his 7 year old sister in the lake) and a wise beyond her years 7 year old (who held onto her CI's as opposed to plugging her nose as she was pushed in).
Kendra came up out of the water and her CI's were.... lets just say not sounding right. She was so proud that her ears had not fallen off in the lake, because she had held on to them tight as she swam to the ladder and got out of the water. But she was tearful, because she just wanted to hear and her CI's were not working.
Renae the mom had to go off-duty for a hot second and become Renae the cochlear implant extraordinaire. I thought to myself, great, there is no back up here. I felt a sort of panic, because one of Kendra's CI's is out of warranty. There was also the fact that we were supposed to be having this great time socializing with all these people, and right now her world was quiet. I went in the house and I had a mini pity party, feeling guilty for the look of destruction that passed over my face that my 9 year old witnessed over his 'fun-loving' brotherly act of pushing his sister in. I felt overwhelmed by deafness and the innocence of having a little beach day fun-- and being a kid. It was kind of like my family was robbed of a freedom, robbed of an experience. So maybe it wasn't a mini-party. I think I had a full out tantrum, by myself.
Finally, I took a few deep breaths. I guess I laced up my boots, so to speak and decided I needed to do what ever I could to make this situation better.
Don't dwell. Move forward in a productive way. I said a little prayer and I believe the words that came out of my mouth were "Lord, if you don't want this cochlear implant to work, I will trust that that is right"..... "but please, please, please.. just let it be fixable" ----- guess I'm not afraid to beg.
So... I took all the pieces apart to let them dry out. I didn't have our CI dryer from home, so I decided to use a hair dryer on cool to lightly blow out all of the cables. I inspected all of the pieces, decided they looked dry enough and reassembled the cochlear implant. I went to find Kendra, to have the moment of truth when she put the CI's back on......
"They work mama, it doesn't sound like "wshhhwshhhwshhhzaaaap" anymore!"
Be thankful. Even in the midst of this incredibly chaotic situation, the feeling of complete relief overwhelmed my whole body. Minutes later, my Noah walked in the house. Noah is a boy full of shoulder shrugs and few words. He walked straight up to my chest and buried his face full of tears into me. Conviction.
Actions are as loud as words, play fair. I know the face that I gave Noah was powerful enough to crush even the strongest of spirits. It wasn't fair of me. I need to learn how to control my face, my reactions and my emotions. My kids are 10 (ahhhhh!!! I have a 10 year old..) 7, 6, 3 and 3 --- they don't need to have any burden from my reactions. Do I mean that they need no discipline? Ahh,, no. I'm raising real life human beings who are going to go into the world and make it a better place. What I mean is, kids can be kids. Even deaf kids. It is a lesson that I have to remind myself regularly.
And that was just one snippet in time from this summer shenanigans. However, those have been the recurring themes.
In all things in this life I'm living, I feel like I want to have complete and total control. With unending support and love, my heavenly father has continually whispered to me "Igotchu babe"...
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
How God saved my marriage
Happy spring, everyone. It's a beautiful time, here in Minnesota. A time when everyone is happy to be able to open windows, send the kids outside to play and appreciate the sunshine that lasts past suppertime. Spring in Minnesota is a time of new beginnings, and as we watch the snow disappear while hearing hopeful chirps from birds begin, we anticipate and appreciate the new season and the promise of warmer weather. A climate that is much more tolerable than snowy days, freezing rain and coats zipped up to our nostrils. We know in Minnesota that winter is always coming (now that was a cynical thought for the 2nd day of Spring), but so is Spring, Summer and Fall.
Very few things last forever, whether they be feelings, hard times or even relationships. Statistically, relationships are doomed before they even begin. I've read that divorce rates for first time marriages are as high as 50%. Grab three of your best friends, two of you are going to experience a divorce. Second and third marriages boast an even higher rate. Early on in our marriage, a statistic was shared with Matt and I about marriages that have children with disabilities. The information was shared with us about 10 years ago, suggested that families that have one child with a disability average 70-80% chance of divorce. Eek.
At the time, Matt and I were pretty much newlyweds. No way, Jose. At least that is what we thought. At the time, we felt like the "crisis" of having a deaf baby when we were 20 and 21 years old brought us closer to each other. We gasped at the information shared with us, but it really wasn't internalized. That sort of thing happened to "other people" and it certainly wasn't going to happen to us.
About 2.5 years after we welcomed our little Noah into the world, we added a precious little girl and named her Kendra. When Noah was 4 months old, we'd received news from our ENT that the cause of Noah's deafness was genetic and the odds of us having another child who was deaf was 25%. She literally said "so basically, if you have 4 more kids, one of them will likely be deaf". Ohh... the odds, how they can be so funny!!
Needless to say, Kendra was born deaf as well. In fact, today we know that we DID indeed have four more kids. Contrary to what our ENT said, only one of those four was born hearing.
Back up, just one moment. I don't know how we continued to walk in life and think "that sort of thing happens to other people". Seriously, having a deaf child? Never on my radar. Have I mentioned before that I used to squawk at my mother and I would laugh, wrinkle my nose and raise my eyebrows and proclaim that "I would NEVER have five kids" -- because that is just crazy. Too many kids for me to handle. Ha, I still catch flack from her on that one. (I'm #2 of five kids.. if you didn't know that). Do you think having twins was ever on my radar?? Pshhh..... No. It sure wasn't. I still baffle in disbelief sometimes at that one.
It was about six years ago, when I started to realize that Matt and I were not in a good place. We were married roommates. I was mothering a newborn, a one year old and a little boy who wasn't quite 4. We had made some changes in our living arrangements, moved closer to my mom so I could have some more support during his long days at work. We were drowning. We were newer to a church and balancing the many obstacles of life. I had become "Renae Steffen: mom warrior for three deaf/hard of hearing kids". We both were doing a lot of growing in that time, I mean really, I was 23 years old. Matt was merely 24. We were young, were still young! A good friend once said "you two are the youngest old couple I know". I mean, seriously, true statement.
Matt and I were not in a good place and we both new it. I said horrible things to him. Things that still can make my heart swell and tears drop. Everything he did just irritated me. It was never the way I would do things, so of course it was wrong. I was so self righteous and it was so unfair. I irritated him, too. He, of course, being a non confrontational male, masked his opinions much better than I. Sometimes I think I would just pick a fight with him to see if I could get an emotion out of him. I would get so emotional, cry and pick.. meanwhile he would just glaze over and shut down. We did this for about a year. It was mostly a lot of silent treatment and derogatory side comments. I was the biggest offender.
There are times when people will say things to me like "you two are inspiring as a couple" or "you guys are so perfect for each other". Still today, sometimes I feel like a fake. A phony. We have definitely had our rough times, but somehow, some way... God led us through it.
Thankfully, we were brought to a loving church that had a great sense of community. We made friends of all different ages and stages. We were and had been heavily involved in small groups (yes, even while I was Renae, the fire breathing dragon), Speaking of her (that mythological Renae dragon). She scared me and came out the other day!!!! :( :( Baylee and Aubree gave each other a hair cut on Friday night :'(. After attacking everyone in sight, I cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next day, I pretty much felt hung over. It was that bad...
Through the church sermons and small groups and finally me, just seeking God to fix this sin in my life, I made little progress. My lack of obedience to Him and the church was evident in how I treated my husband. It had gone on for so long, I didn't like who I was, what I had become. I was praying and crying a lot. I had serious thoughts that my husband did not deserve this. He was too good. He was still too good to me, and I didn't deserve him. In my biggest fits of fury, I would actually tell him that I think we should separate. I didn't ever really mean it, but I thought if I gave him a window to jump out of and he did it, then I would be being a better person for giving him that "out". But he never jumped. Praise God, he never jumped.
Matt and I had just gone through a small group on love and respect. Something we were blatantly destined to experience together. Some of those couples were planning a cruise that was nearly a year away. Reluctantly, we took in the information and tried to decide how to move forward. Matt really wanted us to go, that sweet man never lost hope in us. I, on the other hand, needed more convincing. A couple months went by and we had a discussion about it. We decided that we needed to see if we even liked each other anymore.
In January 2013, we went on a God sent vacation that saved our marriage.
My heart started to change well before we left for vacation. However, have you ever seen that meme that says "when you know your being a brat, but your in too deep... so you just keep on being a brat"???? Oh. My. That was me. But vacation was really a turnaround.
Matt and I enjoyed each other. We talked like we hadn't talked in a very long time. We took care of each other, and I realized that he never had stopped taking care of me. God was changing my heart and I was finally letting him.
Matt and I promised each other, that we would continue to make time for each other. At first, we thought... well, lets try to date 2 times a month. And for sure, a vacation just the two of us was necessary once a year. Ha! Ohh... but life. Those monthly dates turned into one time a month-- WHEN we were lucky. The yearly vacation was four years in the making! After having the twins, dates were hard to come by.
What wasn't hard to come by, however, was shoulder to shoulder time. Sometimes, we just like to sit on the couch next to each other. A lot of times, that is enough. I can't wait for Matt to come home at the end of a long work day. I'm appreciative of all the little things that he does and I recognize all the big things he does for our family. God changed my heart.
God changed my heart and he saved my marriage.
Very few things last forever, whether they be feelings, hard times or even relationships. Statistically, relationships are doomed before they even begin. I've read that divorce rates for first time marriages are as high as 50%. Grab three of your best friends, two of you are going to experience a divorce. Second and third marriages boast an even higher rate. Early on in our marriage, a statistic was shared with Matt and I about marriages that have children with disabilities. The information was shared with us about 10 years ago, suggested that families that have one child with a disability average 70-80% chance of divorce. Eek.
At the time, Matt and I were pretty much newlyweds. No way, Jose. At least that is what we thought. At the time, we felt like the "crisis" of having a deaf baby when we were 20 and 21 years old brought us closer to each other. We gasped at the information shared with us, but it really wasn't internalized. That sort of thing happened to "other people" and it certainly wasn't going to happen to us.
About 2.5 years after we welcomed our little Noah into the world, we added a precious little girl and named her Kendra. When Noah was 4 months old, we'd received news from our ENT that the cause of Noah's deafness was genetic and the odds of us having another child who was deaf was 25%. She literally said "so basically, if you have 4 more kids, one of them will likely be deaf". Ohh... the odds, how they can be so funny!!
Needless to say, Kendra was born deaf as well. In fact, today we know that we DID indeed have four more kids. Contrary to what our ENT said, only one of those four was born hearing.
Back up, just one moment. I don't know how we continued to walk in life and think "that sort of thing happens to other people". Seriously, having a deaf child? Never on my radar. Have I mentioned before that I used to squawk at my mother and I would laugh, wrinkle my nose and raise my eyebrows and proclaim that "I would NEVER have five kids" -- because that is just crazy. Too many kids for me to handle. Ha, I still catch flack from her on that one. (I'm #2 of five kids.. if you didn't know that). Do you think having twins was ever on my radar?? Pshhh..... No. It sure wasn't. I still baffle in disbelief sometimes at that one.
It was about six years ago, when I started to realize that Matt and I were not in a good place. We were married roommates. I was mothering a newborn, a one year old and a little boy who wasn't quite 4. We had made some changes in our living arrangements, moved closer to my mom so I could have some more support during his long days at work. We were drowning. We were newer to a church and balancing the many obstacles of life. I had become "Renae Steffen: mom warrior for three deaf/hard of hearing kids". We both were doing a lot of growing in that time, I mean really, I was 23 years old. Matt was merely 24. We were young, were still young! A good friend once said "you two are the youngest old couple I know". I mean, seriously, true statement.
Matt and I were not in a good place and we both new it. I said horrible things to him. Things that still can make my heart swell and tears drop. Everything he did just irritated me. It was never the way I would do things, so of course it was wrong. I was so self righteous and it was so unfair. I irritated him, too. He, of course, being a non confrontational male, masked his opinions much better than I. Sometimes I think I would just pick a fight with him to see if I could get an emotion out of him. I would get so emotional, cry and pick.. meanwhile he would just glaze over and shut down. We did this for about a year. It was mostly a lot of silent treatment and derogatory side comments. I was the biggest offender.
There are times when people will say things to me like "you two are inspiring as a couple" or "you guys are so perfect for each other". Still today, sometimes I feel like a fake. A phony. We have definitely had our rough times, but somehow, some way... God led us through it.
Thankfully, we were brought to a loving church that had a great sense of community. We made friends of all different ages and stages. We were and had been heavily involved in small groups (yes, even while I was Renae, the fire breathing dragon), Speaking of her (that mythological Renae dragon). She scared me and came out the other day!!!! :( :( Baylee and Aubree gave each other a hair cut on Friday night :'(. After attacking everyone in sight, I cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next day, I pretty much felt hung over. It was that bad...
Through the church sermons and small groups and finally me, just seeking God to fix this sin in my life, I made little progress. My lack of obedience to Him and the church was evident in how I treated my husband. It had gone on for so long, I didn't like who I was, what I had become. I was praying and crying a lot. I had serious thoughts that my husband did not deserve this. He was too good. He was still too good to me, and I didn't deserve him. In my biggest fits of fury, I would actually tell him that I think we should separate. I didn't ever really mean it, but I thought if I gave him a window to jump out of and he did it, then I would be being a better person for giving him that "out". But he never jumped. Praise God, he never jumped.
Matt and I had just gone through a small group on love and respect. Something we were blatantly destined to experience together. Some of those couples were planning a cruise that was nearly a year away. Reluctantly, we took in the information and tried to decide how to move forward. Matt really wanted us to go, that sweet man never lost hope in us. I, on the other hand, needed more convincing. A couple months went by and we had a discussion about it. We decided that we needed to see if we even liked each other anymore.
In January 2013, we went on a God sent vacation that saved our marriage.
My heart started to change well before we left for vacation. However, have you ever seen that meme that says "when you know your being a brat, but your in too deep... so you just keep on being a brat"???? Oh. My. That was me. But vacation was really a turnaround.
Matt and I enjoyed each other. We talked like we hadn't talked in a very long time. We took care of each other, and I realized that he never had stopped taking care of me. God was changing my heart and I was finally letting him.
Matt and I promised each other, that we would continue to make time for each other. At first, we thought... well, lets try to date 2 times a month. And for sure, a vacation just the two of us was necessary once a year. Ha! Ohh... but life. Those monthly dates turned into one time a month-- WHEN we were lucky. The yearly vacation was four years in the making! After having the twins, dates were hard to come by.
What wasn't hard to come by, however, was shoulder to shoulder time. Sometimes, we just like to sit on the couch next to each other. A lot of times, that is enough. I can't wait for Matt to come home at the end of a long work day. I'm appreciative of all the little things that he does and I recognize all the big things he does for our family. God changed my heart.
God changed my heart and he saved my marriage.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Aborting the mission
It's a bright white Monday afternoon, and apparently there is an ugly three letter word anticipated for tomorrow. ICE. Ice storms are on my top 5 list of ugly anxieties. Especially since my husband travels three hours a day for work. Ick. Just plain old pewwww......
I was plugging away on little details of my house, working on cleaning up the dust bunnies in all the corners and washing away all the food (and unknown.. sick, I know) residue that I find on random walls. Monday is my day to clean all the boogies off the furniture, which is the one house chore that I happen to applaud myself on. I decided to abort mission: make this house look like no one lives here. I got a call from "Dave" the producer of a video for a Mayo clinic video that is in the making. They have asked me to participate, sharing our CI journey with new families that might be considering cochlear implants as an option. In our home.... eekk!!! However, Dave called to tell me that with anticipation of an ice storm, he didn't think it would be in his best interest for him and a camera crew to be travelling. With great relief, I thanked him for being proactive. We are now rescheduled for 9 a.m. on Jan 26th. Goodie :) thats about 17 more days to stew on this whole process!! :)
GASP.... when did my experiences become worthy of a camera crew?? Yeesshh, I am feeling the pressure to make my home look like someone else lives here. Someone who washes their drapes once a month, keeps their windows clean, has no clutter on their counters. Who am I kidding, I am feeling the overwhelming need to not use my kitchen because kitchen = mess, This morning, Baylee asked if she could play with playdoh. I made a big eyed frownie face and in a deep british style voice I said "Playdoh, have you gone mad??" She said with a wrinkled nose "huh, I am not mad. I am happy!" Sooo.... I'm a sucker and I let them play with the playdoh. After all, a family does live here. Two 3 year olds, a 5 year old, 6 year old and a 9 year old. From where I am sitting, this house is a dag blam castle with some sort of wizard like butler and maid service. I have to pump myself up sometimes, it's the only way to get to the top of the steps :)
In recent news........... its 2017. Hokey petes, its a brand new year. I have a little girl who is going to turn 7 in ten days. Yeah, so that is about to happen. I need to fill up my schedule with some audiology check ups for my five, I keep getting a pesky email from the kids' dentist that it is time to schedule their cleanings and shame, shame, shame on me.... I've promised my husband that I will call and set up my own doctors appointment. ***lowers head as she admits she hasn't seen the doc since she had the twins. More than three years ago.... Eeek.
Well, you see. Sometimes you just don't have time to take care of yourself. Okay, not true. Sometimes, you just don't take the time that you deserve to take care of yourself. It's a lot to manage my kids and their schedule. I have to call in favors often. If I want to have lunch with my kindergarten boy, I need to call in support staff. When I want to get my hair "did", I have to count on support staff or thank my lucky stars that she will do what it takes to make it work for me, sometimes. I feel like I call in all my favors just to stay afloat on the things that I want to do, let alone the things that I NEED to do. I am making a promise to myself, this year is going to be the year that I swallow my pride. 2017 is going to be a year that I stretch myself to grow.
When the camera crew shows up to my house, it will still be my home. I will not feng shui my furniture, and you will be able to tell that people live here. I will ask for help when I need it, I will offer to help often. I'm about to make those calls to schedule appointments, because this new me doesn't really want to keep letting "things" loom over my head. It's ridiculous the amount of power I give people, ideas and things. I analyze every little everything!!!! It is exhausting.
After mega and mucho talks with my husband, this needs to be the time, as in -- right now... that we heal spiritually. We've been struggling to find a church home that feels right, bouncing between the long to have loyalty to a place that we once knew and very much loved and someplace different that could (if we gave it the opportunity) fill up our tanks with much goodness and most importantly the Word. I'm encouraged to have a couple of girlfriends that are talking about doing a bible study, because oh my sweet baby Jesus, you know that this is what I NEED.
On a different note, I am headed to a 6 night vacation to the Dominican Republic. I seriously cannot wait to see the sandy beaches and feel WARM sunshine. Matt has a countdown on his phone, to the hour. Just a few short weeks....
In the meantime, I'm trying to keep the family focus. Spelling words, song singing, book reading, accelerated reader goals, motor skills, direction following and just plain old listening. Each of my kids has one thing or another that were working on right now. All of my little pride and joys, with their strengths and their weaknesses. Stretching myself to grow in this area means sitting on the strengths a little longer and not dwelling on the weaknesses til it brings me to tears.
Thank goodness for all of the cheerleaders and support that I have been blessed with.
If you are reading this, you can be sure.. I am thankful for you!
I was plugging away on little details of my house, working on cleaning up the dust bunnies in all the corners and washing away all the food (and unknown.. sick, I know) residue that I find on random walls. Monday is my day to clean all the boogies off the furniture, which is the one house chore that I happen to applaud myself on. I decided to abort mission: make this house look like no one lives here. I got a call from "Dave" the producer of a video for a Mayo clinic video that is in the making. They have asked me to participate, sharing our CI journey with new families that might be considering cochlear implants as an option. In our home.... eekk!!! However, Dave called to tell me that with anticipation of an ice storm, he didn't think it would be in his best interest for him and a camera crew to be travelling. With great relief, I thanked him for being proactive. We are now rescheduled for 9 a.m. on Jan 26th. Goodie :) thats about 17 more days to stew on this whole process!! :)
GASP.... when did my experiences become worthy of a camera crew?? Yeesshh, I am feeling the pressure to make my home look like someone else lives here. Someone who washes their drapes once a month, keeps their windows clean, has no clutter on their counters. Who am I kidding, I am feeling the overwhelming need to not use my kitchen because kitchen = mess, This morning, Baylee asked if she could play with playdoh. I made a big eyed frownie face and in a deep british style voice I said "Playdoh, have you gone mad??" She said with a wrinkled nose "huh, I am not mad. I am happy!" Sooo.... I'm a sucker and I let them play with the playdoh. After all, a family does live here. Two 3 year olds, a 5 year old, 6 year old and a 9 year old. From where I am sitting, this house is a dag blam castle with some sort of wizard like butler and maid service. I have to pump myself up sometimes, it's the only way to get to the top of the steps :)
In recent news........... its 2017. Hokey petes, its a brand new year. I have a little girl who is going to turn 7 in ten days. Yeah, so that is about to happen. I need to fill up my schedule with some audiology check ups for my five, I keep getting a pesky email from the kids' dentist that it is time to schedule their cleanings and shame, shame, shame on me.... I've promised my husband that I will call and set up my own doctors appointment. ***lowers head as she admits she hasn't seen the doc since she had the twins. More than three years ago.... Eeek.
Well, you see. Sometimes you just don't have time to take care of yourself. Okay, not true. Sometimes, you just don't take the time that you deserve to take care of yourself. It's a lot to manage my kids and their schedule. I have to call in favors often. If I want to have lunch with my kindergarten boy, I need to call in support staff. When I want to get my hair "did", I have to count on support staff or thank my lucky stars that she will do what it takes to make it work for me, sometimes. I feel like I call in all my favors just to stay afloat on the things that I want to do, let alone the things that I NEED to do. I am making a promise to myself, this year is going to be the year that I swallow my pride. 2017 is going to be a year that I stretch myself to grow.
When the camera crew shows up to my house, it will still be my home. I will not feng shui my furniture, and you will be able to tell that people live here. I will ask for help when I need it, I will offer to help often. I'm about to make those calls to schedule appointments, because this new me doesn't really want to keep letting "things" loom over my head. It's ridiculous the amount of power I give people, ideas and things. I analyze every little everything!!!! It is exhausting.
After mega and mucho talks with my husband, this needs to be the time, as in -- right now... that we heal spiritually. We've been struggling to find a church home that feels right, bouncing between the long to have loyalty to a place that we once knew and very much loved and someplace different that could (if we gave it the opportunity) fill up our tanks with much goodness and most importantly the Word. I'm encouraged to have a couple of girlfriends that are talking about doing a bible study, because oh my sweet baby Jesus, you know that this is what I NEED.
On a different note, I am headed to a 6 night vacation to the Dominican Republic. I seriously cannot wait to see the sandy beaches and feel WARM sunshine. Matt has a countdown on his phone, to the hour. Just a few short weeks....
In the meantime, I'm trying to keep the family focus. Spelling words, song singing, book reading, accelerated reader goals, motor skills, direction following and just plain old listening. Each of my kids has one thing or another that were working on right now. All of my little pride and joys, with their strengths and their weaknesses. Stretching myself to grow in this area means sitting on the strengths a little longer and not dwelling on the weaknesses til it brings me to tears.
Thank goodness for all of the cheerleaders and support that I have been blessed with.
If you are reading this, you can be sure.. I am thankful for you!
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