A good teacher is willing to be taught

I'm often reminded that when I was younger, I was quite the pain in theeee bottom!  My older brother frequently reminds me that I cried everyday, needed my socks put on just perfect so they didn't "poke" my feet and was very particular about my hair.  The other day, I went to my moms house and she said to me.. "You would have never let bumps like that in your hair fly at the age" referring to how I had prepared my 3 year old daughters hair.  The funny part about those stories is..you totally get what you give!  My daughter protests when her socks are not perfectly straight and that very day my mom mentioned the bumps in her hair, she had a fit about the way I was doing it so I just through it up in a pony tail with no extra TLC.  They do say the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and I guess it's safe to say, even with all our quirks.. I really hope my children grow up to be like there good old mom and dad.  That being said, it challenges me to be more patient and kind with my actions and words.

Noah celebrated his 1/2 birthday at school the other week.  Who knew, but it was a big celebration including a hand made hat.  He reminded me that he is 5 1/2 and that he is getting bigger everyday.  Noah is doing really excellent in school.  I'm glad that he went to kindergarden this year, his teachers were right.  He was up for the challenge :).  I've been trying to encourage Noah to be forgiving and understanding.  I think it's a bit of a hard concept when your only 5 1/2 :)  Often times he will say... Thats not fair!!!  Sometimes life doesn't seem fair, but its given us some good opportunities to explain that we don't get to be the decider of the way life plays out.  Just this morning when I was getting Noah ready for school I told him that today he could have school lunch because I didn't quite have time to put together his home lunch.  Seriously, this kid has only eaten the school lunch MAYBE 10 times this whole school year.  He says to me, "uhhhh, well that is not fair!".  I looked at him with my signature MOM look (the one that says -- child, this conversation is not going to happen).  To which he replied "What?? All fall short of the glory of God, ok mom!?!".  Stunned at Noah pulling the Sparks verse card on me, especially because of the attitude he through in with it I just said "Noah!?" Finally he looked down at the floor like the best of boys would and said "ok... I can eat school lunch just for today".  I was explaining to him a couple of weeks ago how we don't want to live a life thats fair and how Jesus died for our sins so we did not have to.  It kind of coupled with his AWANA review verse that he was working on and he had some good thought provoking questions.  Isn't it funny that I could be training myself on the same lessons I'm trying to get my 5 year old to understand??  A week ago Sunday, my aunt passed away.  She was one of my Dad's sisters, living on the same Indian reservation they grew up on.  When I learned of the news I thought.. Really?  That just doesn't seem fair that my cousins would have to mourn the loss over the unepected death of their mother.  Interesting how that works.  It was a news flash for me this morning when Noah seemed to be taking in the lesson better than I have been coping for a week now...

My aunt Carol... had that same flowy black hair as my Dad.  Hers was straight as a whip and I can remember it at times getting very long.  She came to visit us in MN about 10 years ago.  My dad was still alive.  We had a girls day and went shopping in Sioux Falls.  I remember my aunts hair being sooooo looong.  We were walking in the mall and she said, I think it's time to donate this hair to someone else and start over.  Just like that, with no attachment, she went in and got 14 inches cut off her hair to donate.  She talked about how she had hoped it would go to a little girl that needed it.  My most fond memories of my aunt were when I was pretty little.  We lived in a VERY small town in North Dakota.  I think the population was maybe 300ish??  Maybe not even, sorry Hatton-ites, my memory slips me.  We moved to Hatton when I was just a tiny baby.  We moved into my uncle Wayne and Aunt Carols house.  They had two kids, and still welcomed us in.  My parents were trying to get a good start at life and had found a good job at a potato plant nearby.  We lived there, maybe a year?  I only know from the stories that were told of this time.  So I lived there the first year of my life, and then spent about the next 10 begging to go back to Auntie Carols house.  I remember she would braid my hair, just right.  She had so much tolerance for my little annoying perfections I had.  We would go for walks and play at the park.  She would take me to the Farmers Den and we would have coffee and pop.  Her house was just a short way from the Dairy Bar, where we would get ice cream cones dipped in peanuts.  I remember my cousin Nicole was just old enough to think I was too young to hang around with her.  She had a similar feeling about me as I did about my sister (and she is 5 years younger than me).  However, my aunt Carol always hung onto a big tote of Barbies and accessories for me to play with.  Often, she would convince Nicole to play with me.  I was spoiled, I was loved.  My cousin Uriah would "let" me play Nintendo with him.  Mario was the best game.  He was player 1, I was player 2.. :) I enjoyed it, even though being player 2 when player 1 is a master at the game means you never get to play.  You see, until player 1 loses a mario life, player 2 does not get to play.  I don't even know if I realized it, I was just there -a part of there family, playing.  Cousins are an important part of me, and Uriah and Nicole were like an extra set of older siblings for me.  The hardest part of my aunts funeral was seeing the hurt in there eyes and watching them wipe their tears.  What I kick myself about is that I didn't even say anything.  During the visitation there was a moment where anyone could have stood up and shared whatever they like about Carol.  I wish, for my cousins sake I would have stood up and talked about some of those times.  I wish I would have mentioned her laugh... it was truly one of a kind.

Spending some time with my cousins and seeing my aunts and uncles reminded me a lot of my Dad.  All in good ways.  My dad was a jokester, so of course there are some wild jokes that my dad told and my cousins remember to this day.  The best one is when my mom was expecting her 4th child and they found out it was a boy.  He would tell everyone that he was going to name him Oscar Seymour Lonewolf Lenoir.  They would all just laugh because it was clear that he was just razzing my mom.  He never wavered from the Oscar talk, but my brother, for his own sake was named Nicholas Lee :).  I'm thankful that they have some good memories about Dad that they could share.  After he passed there was a little bit of uncertainty in my mind.  I was so young when we moved to MN, would they even think of me as a Lenoir??  There was not a shadow of doubt, my ND family loves me.  I haven't been hugged so hard by so many people in all my life.  I belonged.  I still belong.  I told my husband that I had to leave Belcourt before I developed a complex.  I don't think I have ever been told how beautiful I have grown to be by so many people in my life.  I just felt like a million bucks.  It reminded me how important it is to love people and let them know they are loved. 

I came back home and as expected, Miles was the happiest to see me :)  The other two were happy we were home too, Kendra most excited to see her Dad and Noah half way indifferent.  Miles gave me his big hugs and flashed his beautiful smile.  I can see my relatives in my kids.  They belong just as much as I belong.  Were different, ears and all-- but I think that is just something I have to get over.  It doesn't make us not belong to our families or unacceptable.  I can't wait til we make a visit to ND that is for joy and family and not just sorrow with our family.  It was a long ride, about 10 hours one way, but sooo worth it to be there for my cousins.  The best phrase that sticks in my mind from this past week is that the God in the good times, is the same God in the bad times.

I put together a little slideshow video of my little rugrats.  Its a little background and history of my family... check it out here :http://youtu.be/eWsxHXCL0wU

..Patient in affliction..

Two years ago, Miles was not even a month old and I remember sitting in my home in St. James, his dad was at work and Noah and Kendra were watching Veggie Tales, Minnesota Cuke and the search for Noahs umbrella.  I can remember this distinctly and it was like a moment frozen in time.  I looked at my little Kendra, with her short baby hair faced towards me and next to her was my Noah.  From the back you can see there CI's attached to there heads, and you can see Noahs colorful Hearing aid as it sticks above his ear.  I remember being uneasy about the at birth hearing screening Miles had and wondering why my kids would be the ones who would have to stick out.  It was in that moment, inspired by the story of Noahs Ark my kids were listening to, I decided I needed to BE STILL, and LISTEN.  I need to be like Noah and listen to what God was asking of me, no matter how hard or how painful, how much work or how many people would question me.  I needed to be a mother to my special little angels and I needed to embrace this life for all that it was.  Honestly, I wanted badly for Miles to be a hearing child.  Badly.  I feel horrible for all the time I spent hoping I could have one child who could hear without any issues.  With only 25% chance of having a hearing loss, I just prayed, selfishly, that I could have one "normal" baby.  When Miles was born, we slammed the door on the cart that held the diapers and he stirred... I was so thankful.  The next day his at birth screening revealed that he did indeed have a hearing issue, the degree of the loss needed to be determined by further testing.  I was angry.  I was soo mad that this could happen again.  25%... only 25%...  Why God??  Well, about a month later, after many sleepless nights I was resting on my couch nursing Miles and Noah turned to me and said, repeating after his movie, "It's important to trust God, right mom?"... Right Noah, you are right.

A year ago, I was a quiet young mom of 3. I stayed home most of my days because my two littlest ones were quite a handfull and I was not really prepared for whatever the world would throw at me. I couldn't handle stares, I didn't like confrontations and questions about my kids, I was not confident. I prayed and prayed and prayed... for peace, confidence in my decisions and to be graceful towards those who might not understand my family dynamics. I decided to start journaling on a monthly basis. I took notes, wrote down successes of my children and goals achieved and also made note of some struggles I was having. I started seeing my life as a purposeful and worthy of sharing journey. I know some people may feel like I share too much, but this has kind of been my release. I write my raw emotions and get it off my chest.. then I can reflect on how I have been feeling and it helps me grow. I'm no longer stuck in a rutt of pity, wondering why me.. so I hope that it does not come across as though I'm looking for someone to fix my problems or that I'm a chronic complainer. This past year has been rewarding for me, and I'm thankful for my followers. Though praise and compassion is not what I was aiming for, it has definitely been what I have been recieving.

2012 was a year I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  I started this blog and shared some of my deepest feelings.  I've written about my family, the passing of my father and about my children and there struggles and triumphs.  What I'm the most in awe of is the fact that I have been able to verbally share some insight into my life.  I have never been a public speaker, in fact my dad made me this picture and I found it in with letters from him.  I must have written to him about a speech class I was in or something, but it was sort of a comic and it read "the human brain never shuts down, until the moment you step in front of a crowd" haha, so me!  However, I have been working through it, Lord willing.  I feel like I have had a couple successful talks in groups and it really has helped my self confidence!! 

Yes!! I did find the letters written from my dad.  I really re-discovered the beauty and time-less-ness of hand written notes.  How special to have something to hold onto, that was held in the hands of a loved one.  I WILL get better about hand written notes, I think I have already been on the upward swing of it.  I found the letters written from my dad and have been referring to them often.  I recently shared a small paragraph from one of his letters that referred to a couple of my cousins.  He spoke highly of them and mentioned that he loved one of my cousins like he was his own son and hoped that he would not make the same mistakes that my dad did.  If I know my cousin like I think I do, this note meant a lot to him.  My dad was very close to him.  I feel like you can say whatever you want to people, they can take it and internalize it or chose not to.  I know I am HORRIBLE at recieving compliments.  Sometimes, I don't even know how to acknolwedge them.  I'm working on it... with a long way to go!!

 

Now, for what I am most excited to share.... Kendra is 37.5 months old, but she is testing in certain categories up to 42 months!!!  Praise the Lord!!!!!  Were doing it, we are doing it and were doing it well I have to say.  Miles is keeping right up there with Kendra although there is no data to share on him.  Since he does not have any cochlear implants, he has far fewer appointments and that means less testing.  I can definitely say that boy is doing his best to keep up with his brother and sister.  Noah is having an awesome year at school, and I cannot believe how much he can read!!!!??!!  He read me an entire book the other night and I could have just cried.  Five years ago, the goal was to have him ready for Kindergarten by the time he turned six.  He is 5 1/2 and READING!!!! 

It isn't always easy, and the world doesn't always understand.  I went to the post office and had a lady tell me that Kendra would be pretty if it weren't for her ear pieces.  I was hurt, yet my instant reaction was just to smile at her and walk away.  What would I have accomplished by telling her how insensitive I found her?  Nothing.  Instead, I hope we left her with the impression that were OK.  Were different and that is OK!  I did cry and felt sorry for her... but that was short lived.  Kendra nurtured me asking "whats a mater Mommy?" and how could I be sad about anything??  What a beautiful heart that girl has, and I'm proud to call her my daughter.

Realistically, I am painfully human and in constant need of reminders.  I get bent out of shape and my feelings get hurt and I have hard days.  Lucky for me, I have a bible :)  Today I wound up in Romans and found this sticking out:
Romans 12:12 (NIV)  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Being patient during trial, tribulations, pain etc.. is not always easy, but its important to trust God.