I am not always perfect, and I dont't strive to be. I dont like to do things that I'm not good at. I am not very good at drawing, so I don't do it. My baking skills are less than desirable, so I avoid it. I just don't have a ton of patience for things that do not come naturally for me. If there is one thing that I had to peg myself for being good at, its being a mommy.
Being a mom can be hard work. It isn't always easy to make the right decisions, and sometimes I don't. I raise my voice and later regret it, I spend time on the internet keeping up on my favorite blogs and I often check facebook. There are days I can't wait for my husband to come home, just so I can not feel completely responsible to respond to every cry, every whine, every fight amongst the kids and every juice request. It's crazy that I still feel so confident and proud of the way I mother my children. I think its because my kids smile and they laugh. They make messes and sometimes clean them up. They color pictures (on the walls and on paper). My kids are happy. They do "normal" kid things. They do things that drive me up the wall, you know, "normal" kid things. I'm guilty of sometimes expecting them to "know" better. But I think what makes me a great mom, is at the end of the day, I know the difference. I know how to say I'm sorry, admit I'm wrong and back down to my kids despite how intimidating I can be to them. I don't NEED to back down, I'm way bigger and WAY more intimidating. But... the truth is, I do. Sometimes they are right.
Noah is brilliant. I know every kid has there strengths, and my Noah has a lot of them. He reads like a champ, memorizes without much hassle and best of all, he LOVES people. He enjoys people company and pays attention to the little things. He remembers what makes people happy and he uses those resources to do just that, make others happy. Noah knows what fills my mommy love tank. He reads books to his siblings and he carries Aubree and Baylee. He bounces them to make them content and he gives them sweet and soft kisses. He is 6. He is the first time I have parented a 6 year old and I am simply ecstatic at his character. This is not to say that he does not drive me nuts, because he does. He is "normal" and kids just have a way of driving adults nuts.
It's the wonder in their eyes and the desire they have to experiment. They are constantly learning, they don't know it all. They are WILLING and WANTING to know more. Really, I'm jealous of my kids' passion and desire to seek and do ALL things. I was just talking this morning to a friend about how resourceful kids really are. Her almost 2 year old likes to use a little toy car as his "stepping stool". How brilliant (and quite dangerous, I might add), but how RESOURCEFUL!!! Kids are beautiful, all of them.
This leads me to why I feel I'm such a good mama. I love kids. ALL kids. I always have, probably always will. I like to play with them and read to them. I love to hug them and love on them. I do Hi-5's and love to exchange smiles. I'm a tickle monster and I'm a peek-a-booer. I strive to be 75 and still trying to win the hearts of the little ones. Most of all, I'm good at it. I really am, despite when I let the devil in my head to convince me that I COULD and SHOULD be so much better. NOOOOO WAAYY, because I am amazing.
Kendra is a sweetie pie, and definitely a smart cookie. She reminds me of myself, a mama at such a young age. She wants to care for her little sisters and she is always wanting to help. She likes to fill up water cups for her siblings at supper time, and she almost always puts up a fight to say our mealtime prayer. Sure, she tattles and whines when she doesn't get her way. Sure enough, I did that when I was young. She is "normal". She sings songs and she dances, she loves to wear dresses and twirl. She likes to feel pretty and its important for her to feel loved. Yep, she is her mamas girl :)
Miles has a lot of personality, but it takes a while to see it. He can be quiet and shy, but just wait til you get to know him!! He likes to watch movies and play with action heroes. We can always talk him into sharing. He carries around barbies and dollies and plays with his sister. Of course he climbs as high as he can and nearly sends me into cardiac arrest at the playgrounds, but he is "normal".
I love my kids and I wouldn't have had 5 of them if I wasn't good at being a mommy. Remember, I don't do things I'm not good at. Call it a fault, but it's really the truth. It's not always convenient, its not easy and its not always fun to make the hard decisions, but it is most definitely worth it.
It's time for some honesty, because that is what I do. I share my raw emotions and it's at the risk of others thinking "oh geesh, that woman is crazy". Every mom I know has a little bit of crazy in them, and guess what, I AM PROUD OF YOU!! We are selfless, sometimes sleepless and that leaves us a bit senseless. If I were Webster making the dictionary, those characteristics would most definitely be in there. Mommy's we are "normal".
Three days ago, I wasn't feeling so "normal". I have been watching the twins grown, loving on them and noticing there every facial feature develop and the sweet personality of each of them pour out. They really do give me a lot of joy. I had been noticing that Baylee is very quick to startle. If you click a pen, she hears it. Quietly shut the door and she will take a deep breath. Aubree was really hit or miss on these things. She would startle when her sister would cry and other times as well, but not every time Baylee did. I started to get concerned when she was about 4 weeks old. Bear in mind, she is 7 1/2 weeks old right now. I started to really focus on it and try to pin point why there would be such a difference, surely this was "normal" as Aubree passed her hearing screening. Finally, after letting it consume me for a week, I contacted our audiologist and made another appointment. I just wanted to be sure that all was well, especially given our history. On Friday, we got her in for an appointment and mommys instinct was right. She did not do well on her ABR. Her brain responses to sound were not consistent in either of her ears, which led us to the diagnosis of Auditory Neuropathy. Look it up, its intense to understand much less explain! You would think with having our first three have three different levels of loss, we would pretty much be experts. Not so much. This is whole different ball of wax. From what I'm comprehending, Aubree is likely hearing intermittently.. which would explain why she sometimes does not startle and other times does. I grieved Friday night, after a LOONG day at the audiologist. Even though she is amazing and funny and smart and easy to get along with, it was a long day. Aubree was sent home with hearing aids (not so much ironic as I think divine intervention that someone donated little tiny pink baby hearing aids last week). When I called my mom to check in, it was the first time I had spoke the words that Aubree was not hearing right and I broke down. It was hard to say, especially after having elated joy when she did indeed pass her last screening. I'm still a little heartbroken, who wouldn't be. I think it's "normal" to want the best and easiest life for your kids. Isn't that one of my characteristics that makes me a good mom? I felt sick to my stomach that we would actually get as far as having passed hearing tests for both girls, only to have Aubree struggling to hear.
The good news is........... as my wise husband said, take a good hard look at Noah, Kendra and Miles. They are remarkably smart and resilient and kind and loving. We know how to work hard and give our kids a great life. We've already built some great foundation for happy and healthy lives. I KNOW we can do it again.
I'm really not ready to see people and talk about this without crying or getting emotional. Truth. That doesn't mean that I'm depressed and overcome with sadness. It just means I'm still getting used to this and I'm an emotional soul. Doesn't that make me "normal"?
I couldn't be more proud to be Noah, Kendra, Miles, Aubree and Baylee's mommy. I am so thankful that God gave them to me to raise and love. I am thankful that God made me to be strong enough to handle it all, and I'm glad he gave me such an amazing support system. Thank you friends, for being there for me and taking the time to understand where my heart is. I truly love you all!
