Gradual growth

Some kids wake up and the morning singing (Miles) and some kids are only 6 but you really think they are already in a stage of life where they need a cup of coffee before anyone is allowed to talk to them (Kendra).  There is another type of kid, he wakes up in the morning quite easily.  He is the silent type, mostly communicating in gestures.  He is right to the point, gets all things done that are expected of him immediately and then he veg's out on the couch while reading whatever book happens to be his choice at the moment (Noah).  In addition to the three types of kids already mentioned, there are a couple of scheming (Baylee), bathroom flooding (Aubree), giggly (Aubs), cuddly (Bay) and princess-like kiddos-- and they all live under one roof.  MY roof.  It's interesting, to say the least, to navigate all of the different personalities, accommodate all of the different quirks and to have grown the threshold of patience that it requires to manage my 9, 6, 5 and two 2 year olds.  I'm pretty sure I have to remind myself daily, to take better control of my body language, facial gestures and to control my emotions-- whether it be anger, irritation, sadness and sometimes even laughter.  Did you know it's not good "mom behavior" to laugh after your 2 year old gives your 9 year old a wet willy???  Well, let me spare you some humiliation :). 

I'm just a 29 year old momma, whose daily goal is to keep a home that my husband is happy to come home to, warm my children's hearts with an attentive listening ear, support all of my kids in their interests and efforts and be sure to encapsulate as many of the little moments of preciousness (and really, all the hard stuff too-- the tears, fights, hard situations and learning opportunities).  Because.... before you know it, your two 2 year olds are 4 days away from turning 3.  Everyday, you find yourself picking up a little girl and holding her in nice and close and whispering in her ear "what am I going to do when you get too big for me to carry??"

The change is so subtle, so gradual that you almost can't appreciate it until your reflecting back on the times that have passed.  I have a 4th grader this year, a sweet young man who has really taught me so much about life.  We have come such a long way... both he and I.  When I brought him into the world, I was a teen... for 12 days.  I had Noah 12 days before turning 20.  Good gravy, I was young.  He taught me so much in a really short amount of time.  I watched my husband fall in love with a little boy instantaneously.  Matt is not a crier.  I can count on one hand how many times I have seen tears on this man, and all of them occurred around death, except for once. Right after the birth of our Noah bear, I watched him wipe away a stray tear.  Immediately, they bonded.  So in love, he was SOO in love.  My husband had already won my heart, but I watched him further grow into a responsible, dependable and loving man.  Those three characteristics are something that he works on, regularly-- and I couldn't be more grateful that he chose me to be his wife.  I'm thankful that I have him to help me raise our brood.

I was not well, after I had Noah.  My husband picked up much of the slack on my part.  Rather than dwelling on how I should have handled those first few weeks and maybe even the first few months as a new mom, I recently decided at the coaxing of my husband that I did a pretty darn good job.  I'm doing a really good job. Ahh.. I said it, and I really kinda meant it.  I'm doing my best, and my best is pretty. darn. good. *release the tension off my neck, deep breath out, tears trickle down*

Kendra, my six going on 26 year old has always tested my patience.  She has a heart of gold and a smile that detoxes every bad thought out of my head, but she really has an attitude that is as big as my house.  Most people, especially those that have her in pretty small doses will say that she is the sweetest little girl, and she really can be.  She can also be an enforcer.  She tends to think that she is the law of the Land o' Steffen.  I can get so frustrated with eaining and then re-explaining that if someone does something that she doesn't like (specifically in our home- heh, go figure.  I guess the old saying "were hardest on those who are closest to us" is true from an early age), she needs to address the situation with me, then I-me-MOM---- IIIIII will handle it.  This concept has been slow to grasp, but I cannot give up hope.  I just hope the shoves, glares, pinches, pokes and YELLS are ummm... normal sibling behavior?  Pish-posh, what is normal anyway??  So just when I think I'm screwing her up, we check the mail this weekend and find the sweetest and most encouraging piece of mail in our box.  Guess whose child was chosen as Terrific Kid for the first semester, during her first eligible year??  My Kendra Louise.  Based on being responsible, being respectful and all those other things that I was just certain we were missing the mark on. Huh.. go figure. I guess I really am doing a pretty darn good job.

Miles, who actually happened to be my hardest baby, has morphed into this smiley, sing-songy, tender hearted little guy.  His kind gestures and desire to please others remind me so much of my own personality.  He clams up whenever he doesn't like something that has happened, he hides and runs away.  He is my mini-me, and it scares me to death sometimes.  Nevertheless, I think he has a heart for others and his personality is fun-loving, and he is so much like his dad in so many ways-- it is really neat to see how all of our kids have just taken bits and pieces of both of us.  It's alarming and awakening when you really realize that so much of how we talk, act, respond and our upbringing of all of these kids, will really determine the men and women that we are raising.  Some days, it feels like we have TOO much power, its scary.  Other days, I'm certain that I don't have enough control.  Thankfully, I surrender to prayer and a hope that I am enough.  As parents, we are all enough.

Aubree and Baylee are the tip of the ice berg, the element that keeps my beautiful hair stylist in business because of my ever-growing gray hairs, the true "icing" on the cake.  I'm listening to them giggle now, as they are supposed to be in their room resting.  Pitter patter of tiny un-socked toes are hitting the hardwood floors upstairs, they are not even TRYING to fool me down here.  Today was Aubree's last day of in-home speech with our deaf and hard of hearing specialist.  It was a bitter-sweet day.  Bitter, because they are growing so fast, I don't know when they transitioned from "the babies" to "the little girls".  Sweet, because I am ready, after almost 9.5 years of specialists in my home (don't get me wrong, we all have grown to love some of the people we have had the privilege to work with).  Sometimes, people ask me "what have you been up to??"  I never really feel like I have a whole lot to report, but somehow, I always have just felt like I am really busy.  Yesterday, I spent the day with my sister.  When it was nap time, I laid on the floor with the little girls.  Aubree climbed up onto my and I rocked her to sleep, shuffling my arms from side to side.  It was the sweetest feeling, I cannot even remember the last time I rocked my little girl to bed.  I held her close and she reciprocated, clasping her arms around me as far as they would go.  It's bittersweet, my friends.  Tomorrow, I am having entrance conferences to start Aubree and Baylee in a 3's preschool program.  Yeah, soak that all in for a minute.

The clock never stops ticking, it won't even slow down--  I've been getting warnings for many, many years.  People have taken the time to graciously 'cheerlead' me on by saying "one day, you will miss this chaos".  It's finally starting to really sink in.  The days, they pass so fast.  Everything is always undergoing transformation, and I keep it in my daily prayers that I stay positive and enjoy the ride.  The good, hard, bad, sad and the learning experiences are all a part of the journey.

I have always been a "keep your hands inside the tram at all times" rule follower, I'm not much of a risk taker and I'm most definitely not a thrill seeker.  For the most part, I lay low key and keep to myself.  One day, I got a wild hair to start a blog, record keeping my feelings and experiences.  It was incredibly out of character, in my opinion.  Best. decision. ever.  I've grown so much and have great record of experiences and memories, both good and bad.  If your reading this, thank you for caring and allowing me to share :)  Much love!

xoxo

I've got the "feels"

I'm making a Renae Record today, sharing blog post #3 this month.

I am a woman who has been through a fair bit in her life.  I sit here today, only 29 years old, but have a lifetimes worth of situations, life experiences, grief, hardships and let downs.  My story is not the worst of the worst nor is it filled with rainbow chasing and unicorn riding.  More times than I can count, I have been referred to as a young yet wise one, wise beyond my years or just having an old spirit.  I got here somehow, and I'm pretty sure its through perspective and life experiences.

If you think that I have this impeccably rosy outlook in life, I should be convicted of fraud.  I don't always feel like everything is going to be okay, because sometimes it isn't.  People don't always beat the illness and you don't always beat the odds.  That is life.  Life is full of surprises, the good kind and the bad.

I'm a pretty open book, so it would appear.  I mean, I publish a blog and share some of my deepest feelings.  I put it right there in the open for all the critique and form opinions.  Meanwhile, I have even deeper feelings, doubts and heartaches that I just bury.  I bury some things so deep that sometimes I just feel lifeless and cry.

Moody, irrational, irritable, easily upset, harboring hurt feelings, tender minded, feeling left out, feelings of not being "enough", not being somebody's "person".  Haven't we all had these feelings??

Angry, closed off, slow to speak (for fear of saying it all wrong), un-responsive, hiding your "true" feelings.  Wondering where do I fit??  Do any of those "feels" sound familiar?

I have all different sorts of feelings on any given day.  I'm admittedly an emotional rollercoaster.  I love to laugh and have fun.  I have perfected many different faces to go along with my well thought out and calculated "one liners" that are almost sure to promote laughter from those around me.  Other times, I am serious and focused.  At work, I can almost come off as unapproachable, because I appear very straight laced and on a mission.  One time, when asked at a MOM's group I was attending, "what kind of fruit I would compare myself to and why" I wittily answered, "I am most like an orange, because you have to peel off my outer layer to really know me".  I don't even know where those words came from, but I said it and thought -- Renae, you are smarter than ya look!

Sometimes it is really hard to admit that your hurting or that your sad.  It is much easier to just play pretend and act like the cowardly lion-- heartless.  It would be much easier if I didn't let other peoples actions dictate my attitude.  Now I sound like my husband..... but I am just not wired that way.  Some people wear their feelings on their sleeves, and others are just like me -- I hold much of it in, and when I feel hurt or let down, I let go.  I walk away, carrying the hurt silently with me and just let it be.  I don't let go, I just let it be....

Many times, I've flooded my mind with thoughts like "I'm just not good enough".... "Renae, you just don't mean as much to that person as you thought".... "You probably had that coming"....

I am hard on myself.  Good grief, aren't we all just a little harder on ourselves than we ought to be?  Ughh.  I was talking with a co-worker for about 5 minutes today.  Somehow, we got on the topic of depression and feeling sorry for ourselves, as we both know someone who is struggling with some hard feelings right now.  It really got me to thinking.  It isn't just today and this conversation with you (Cathy!!) but seriously, feelings can be so tough.  It's really hard to navigate, because feelings are valid-- how you feel is very valid.  It's most definitely how you respond that is going to make or break your future.  I'm not sure why I let things break my spirit, even though I do it in usually a private and quiet way, but I am very sensitive like that.  Our audiologist just told me on Monday that I need to toughen up my skin when it comes to the deaf community - true story.  Sensitive subjects like that give me certain "feels" but its even the little things that can affect me..  If you don't wish me a happy birthday, I might wonder where I've gone wrong.  Don't like the cute picture of my kids on Facebook??  Yikes, I might take that personal.  I'm driven by words of affirmation and the lack of those beautiful little words can leave me in a tail spin.

I really have to take a step back and try to grasp reality, because my happiness can't depend on words of affirmation, quality time, praise or appreciation.  Likewise, my happiness can't depend on friends and family surviving the illness or sweet little babies having their hearing restored.  Those things don't always happen.  Babies aren't always "born".  Those things hurt, they sting like a bee, even 8 years later.  Not many people know, but I know I experienced postpartum depression after I had Noah.  I was not a very good mom to him.  I was a scared 19 year old, who had just lost her own daddy to a miserable illness.  When I found out that my little boy was not "perfect" I raged.  I was miserable and angry.  Matt and I decided about a year later we wanted to have "one more baby" -- (yeah, yeah, yeah.. that was the "plan").  I have not told many people-- but I miscarried a sweet little angel baby at 13 weeks in between Noah and Kendra.  I can still remember my friend Anna, calling me on my little NOKIA cell phone.  I silenced it, let it go to voicemail.  Her message said "Please Renae, don't shut me out.  I just want to be here for you".  Man did she know me well...

One day I woke up and decided, I just don't want to be miserable or angry anymore.  Slowly, I've let go of some of the hurt and sadness I've had.  I decided to forgive my dad, for choosing alcohol above all of us for all of those years.  I decided to embrace being a mom to Noah and forgive myself for being so upset with his deaf diagnosis.  I had to forgive myself for my genetics, something I had no control over and how it caused all my kids hearing loss.  It wasn't until I found God that I realized that forgiveness was necessary for me to operate on all cylinders.  Later I clung onto the idea that not everybody gets to grow to be old, life is too short for me to hold onto that stuff that leaves me with the yucky feelings.  Does stuff hurt me?? Yes, far more often than I care to admit.  Am I overly sensitive?? Oh, you can bet your writing hand on it.  I'm working on it and I'm working on me.

I am sooooo far from perfect.  I can give the best advice in the world (okay, that might be a little bit of a stretch), but I can give pretty good advice... I just haven't figured out why I'm not always smart enough to listen to my own stuff.  Don't hold it all in, people REALLY do care and your feeling are so-so-SO very valid.

If you are feeling sad, feeling let down, or feeling like everything is just not going the way it is supposed to.. you are not alone --

Love--- One girl who is also trying to keep it all together.    

Meh.. it happens

I'm having a great hair day (thanks to my most amazing stylist, Lindsey) and of course I have no place to be ;)  Luckily, I've learned to say... meh, it happens :)

In recent years, I've come to terms with the idea that: WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN TO ME!

Okay, so maybe the things that happen aren't always "weird", but the odd ball things that happen in life, seem to be common in mine.

Have you ever went out to supper with a group of friends and, oh shoot, one of the people in the party didn't get their order?  Yep, I'm usually that person.  I can't count on my hands or toes how many times my order has been the one that somehow gets either mixed up or just flat out forgotten.  Weird, right?? Meh, it happens :)

Friends cancel plans? Meh, it happens!

Yesterday, Matt and I showed up to our audiology appointment with three kids in tow.  As per usual, I stepped forward to talk to a lovely receptionist who always lovingly marvels at the growth of my little munchkins while she checks us in.  Mysteriously, she starts scanning for Steffen... Steffen.. Steffen.  "I'm not seeing you in here, hun" she states.  Dun.. dunn.. dunnnn... Somehow, our appointment did not make it into the computer.  Odd, right??  Meh, it happens!  Thankfully, were so well taken care of at Mayo Mankato, there is no way they were going to send us home without doing their best to accommodate us.

Aubree did such an amazing job yesterday.  She communicated very well, followed many directions and helped me dismiss my feelings of being a failure as a momma.  Am I hard on myself??? psssshhhhhttt nnnoooYES!  Why, yes I am.  Why do I do that to myself?  I know better, but.. meh.. it happens.

We were invited to a water park with friends the other day, an invitation we graciously accepted.  Of course, with my guards up high I thought... No way, in no capacity, am I equipped to take two 2 year olds, 3 deaf kids, 1 hard of hearing and one overly excited full hearing dare devil to a water facility.  Ain't happenin'.  With great compromise, I decided that if the two year olds stayed back with grandma, this could be a really fun experience!  I even decided that the big kids could wear their water accessories so they could hear while playing in the water.  It was great! Loads of fun, lots of sun and even some relaxation for this mom, right here!!  Of course, I watched like a hawk with an anticipation that something weird would happen.  I wasn't sure if I would have to jump in and save someone, give some older kids an evil eye for being mean to one of my kids, save my kid from the whistle blowing lifeguards (which they may or may not hear).  I just really wasn't sure, so I was on a mid-high alert.  My radar is a little broken these days, I think its something to do with having twins and being fried out from over stimulation.  Lately my radar has just been stuck on high alert, you know, where your ready at any moment to catch your falling toddler from the roof on which they have climbed (that hasn't happened, by the way (yet)).  Anyways, sure enough, over comes Noah.  He puts his arms around my neck and says "Ahhh,, mom.  KK just lost her ear when she went down the slide.  I don't think she was even holding onto it"  And there it was.  Crisis had arrived.

I calmly got out of my lawn chair and proceeded to walk towards the slide area, where Kendra stood waiting with her head tucked a little low.  Thankfully, one of the girls that was playing with Kendra helped to communicate to the lifeguard that Kendra had lost a hearing device while going down the slide.  My head was thinking "drains.. drains.. this pool has a drain.  How big is the drain?  Where does the drain go?"  But I just smiled and tried to stay calm.  The pool was about to go on a five minute break, so the lifeguards cut the water to the slides and found some goggles so they could go diving for a cochlear implant.  I'm counting my lucky stars, because in just a few minutes, the cochlear implant was found.  Wheww... dodged that bullet.  Meh, it happens :/

I was talking to our audiologist about the situation, and about how I was internally really freaking out, to which she replied confidently "Which you should have, I mean honestly, $12,000 just flew off your kids head" and then we laughed.  Ohh.. good times, funny... yet not funny. at. all...

If there is any type of message that I've really just honed in on lately and really tried to internalize, its that weird stuff just happens.  I used to be the type of person (and if I'm being real honest, sometimes I still get stuck in this trap) that always wondered, why does weird stuff happen to me?  Life is all about experiences and choices.  We get to choose how we let experiences mold and shape us.  We get to choose how we react to chaos, how we react to disappointment and how we react to life when things just don't go the way we had planned.

Soo... who cares if weird things happen to me?  There is a reason that I double and then triple check to make sure I'm walking into the ladies restroom, slowly and carefully walk into a stall (as to not "disrupt" someone, and I also make sure I understand the door locking mechanism in bathrooms.  Obsessive, maybe.  But I have not yet been sorry, which is amazing, because WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN.  Sometimes I do the old double/triple take before leaving the gas station (I would hate to drive off with a pump).  I would have a much harder time saying "meh, it happens" to one of those situations :)

At the end of the day, the big white elephant in this weeks chaos was my feelings about my kids and their hearing.  Accommodating deaf children at a water park and mapping and programming their cochlear implants and hearing aids.  Malfunctioning rechargeable batteries, contacting the cochlear americas company to replace faulty cable coils, missing ear hooks and 13 pieces of equipment, used by 4 kids to keep in good repair kind of had me down for a minute.  I thought I needed someone to pep talk me, but I really just needed to reflect on what really matters.

5 healthy and happy kids, a very happily married couple, a pretty stinkin' good support system made up of friends and family and above all else, a God that loves me.  When life doesn't look perfect, well, meh.. it happens :)

The breakdown

It's been a little while since I've taken time to sit at the computer and give an update, a brand new month seemed like a good opportunity :)

Happy August 1st.  2016 is more than half over, good gravy, time flies.  Yesterday, we celebrated Noah's 9th birthday. Holy guacamole, I have a 9 year old.  Last minute, a little bit on the fly, we planned an awesome day for him.  We surprised him by picking up his good buddy Isiah and taking them (along with Kendra and Miles) to Sioux Falls to the SkyZone!  Along the way, we stopped at DQ to eat some lunch.  Sixty minutes of jumping at a trampoline park provides a lot of smiles, laughs and a REAL good time.  There was only one problem, Matt seems to have forgotten that he is almost 30 ;).  He had a spectacular jump/flip something-or-another and instantly had a stiff neck.  Whoopsie!  But... what an amazing Dad he is, getting in there and playing with the kids.  It's something I'm sure they will look back on and appreciate about him.

On our way back home, we stopped and picked up Pizza Hut, because another surprise was waiting for Noah when we got back home.  The grandparents, uncle Nick and uncle Dylin and Auntie Ash to the rescue!  They were all waiting for us when we got back home, with a home that was nicely decorated in Power Ranger decor and balloons.  We celebrated our sweet boy, showered him with some presents, pizza and a homemade ice cream cake.  Life is good :).

Naturally, there was a slight hiccup in the night.  Noah's CI has been shifty lately.  There has been a couple of times where it just wouldn't work momentarily, then it would turn back on.  Luckily, we made it home before his cochlear implant stopped working.  I tried to trouble shoot it, borrowing chords from his sisters, switching out pieces, trial and error (like a boss...) but I had no luck.  So it was on to digging through the "back-up" processors, when suddenly my heart sunk.  I knew that Noah's backup was an old "dinosaur" processor.  The one he started with 8 years ago.  Since we've had kids with cochlear implants, there have been improvements made that have been HUGE!  When Kendra got implanted, her processor was better technology than Noah's original CI.  Then, when Aubree was implanted, we saw another upgrade in technology.

Noah's ear quit working right about the time we were going to sing happy birthday to him.  My mom said, we can still sing to him, he will still enjoy it.  Regrettably, I said No.  I continued to serve everyone cake, then it was on to searching for his back up processor.

Bad mommy moment.  I have been so hopeful that we wouldn't need to use this OLD processor, possibly in denial, over zealous or just plain not smart.  His "map" or "program" that he has been using is not current on his back up processor, not even a little bit :(  When we finally gathered up all the pieces, found some batteries and fired up the old processor, Noah put it on and made a little wrinkle in his nose.  I said "Can you hear me Noah?"  He said, "What?" loudly.  Then he said "Yeahh.. I can hear you, its just really different.  Kinda loud in some parts, there is a little bit of buzz and maybe a beep?"  Blahh... my heart sank.

Rarely do I go through pity party times, but yesterday I had one.. in a big way.  The party went on, Noah played with his friends and new pogo stick until dark.  After everyone went home, we cleaned up the house and then enjoyed some quiet TV time.  Noah popped on his favorite show, "Full House", and all seemed well.  The four younger kids were ready for bed, and Noah wanted to watch his show, so we let him.

Soon enough, everyone was asleep, except restless me.  I laid awake in bed, feeling sorry for myself and worrying about ears.  Ridiculous when you reflect on it.  It was 11:18 p.m., and I was remembering how Noah entered the world 9 years prior.  We had no idea what it meant to be parents until that very moment.  I was feeling anxious and recklessly thinking about how terrible of a mom I was, wondering how Noah's "old, blue, dinosaur ear" was working for him.  I decided to go downstairs and check on him.  He had fallen asleep on the couch, his CI next to him.  I woke him up, and put his ear on him.  I hugged him tightly, while he was a bit confused, he hugged back.  I had tears in my eyes, and he asked me whats wrong?  I said "I forgot to sing happy birthday to you".  He said "well jeesh, don't cry.  Just sing to me now.  It's officially my birthday, right?"  I laughed, then hugged him tighter and sang to my sweet boy, a light, creaky and crackly rendition of "Happy Birthday".  When I was done, I kept a tight hold on him and he said the sweetest words to me.  He said "mom, don't worry about my ear, I know we will get the good one fixed.  You always take really good care of us."  I laughed, simultaneously doing a terrible job holding back my tears.  He was ready for his bed so I walked with him up the stairs, led him to his bed and kissed him goodnight.

I'm a very blessed momma, to have such a sweet and insightful little boy.

Five beautiful and insightful little human beings.  I woke up this morning, early, thanks to two giggly and bouncy little girls.  I tried to pretend to sleep for about 15 minutes, thinking maybe they would follow suit.... no such luck ;).  Aubree started asking for her CI's, I kept saying "5 more minutes..." Finally, Baylee said, "ummmm..... mom.  Aubs needs her Eeeeaaarrrrssss, or she can't hhhheeeeeaaaaarrrrr me".  So up and at 'em I was.

Aubree is doing amazing.  She asks for her CI's, so I know she enjoys being able to hear.  She is responsive to all sorts of different noises.  She recognizes door bells, can hear the TV when it makes the little beep that its being turned on.  Today, she even heard me call her name over the noise of the vacuum cleaner.  That right there, is amazing stuff.  She has gotten soooo independent.  Before, when her CI magnet would come loose and pop off her head she would have to find someone to put it back on.  Now, she can put it back on ALL. BY. HERSELF!!  Seriously, that is a big deal.  Even bigger than that, if her battery goes dead or for some reason her implant just isn't working, she comes to the adult in charge and says "my ears not working, its not working".  For starters, just being able to advocate for herself, is too cool.  Add in the fact that she speaks in sentences that perfect complete sense === yahooooo!!!!  She is doing great.  Big thanks to her little sister, mother hen Baylee.  Bay talks a mile a minute and Aubs is doing her best to keep up.

Miles might be the sweetest little boy I will ever meet.  He is so gentle and sweet and kind.  His language and speech is without a doubt on par.  He cannot wait for kindergarten, he wants to learn how to read more and how to do math :)  Miles makes sure he tells me I'm beautiful, and that he loves me nearly every day.  He will surely make a great husband, some day :)

Kendra, my little sassy yet sweet 6 year old is also doing very well.  She is a big help with her younger siblings and is by far my best "house-helper".  She enjoys making the beds in the morning, just to see me be ecstatic and thankful for her service.  Kendra is ready for first grade and I want to be ready to send her!  I just need to make sure all the processors are working great so I can send the kids with CI's to school with some confidence.

July was a busy month, complete with a couple of weddings, sunday-fundays with some super cool friends, valleyfair, a twins game with work(in a suite!!!), the warrior dash with some of the best friends a gal could ask for, working a pretty good bit for McDonalds and just the regular ins-an-outs of being a mom of five super sweet, bionic ear wearing super heroes.

Matt still continues to drive to Marshall for work, daily.  He used some vacation time in July to handle the hustle and bustle of all the activities we participated in July, so I think August might break us, lol.  Back to him being on the road 50 hours a month.  Ishta.... but he handles it with grace.  Never does he come home and complain of fatigue or tiredness.  We actually met with a realtor a couple of weeks ago, just to see what the market looks like in our area if we were to decide to sell.  You never can tell where this world will lead you, so were trying to look to God to make some decisions.

August is a little bit more laid back.  Which is probably a good thing, because school is just around the corner!

Today I am choosing to be encouraged and be blessed by all the circumstances that have built me up to the person I am today.

TRUE STORY: this could change your life, think about it!

I think its almost overwhelmingly apparent that a BIG part of my life is my kids.  I talk about them, a lot.  I post their faces on facebook, a lot.  I share funny stories about them, a lot.  I just reviewed many of my blog posts and its clear, I blog about them, A LOT.

When you are a parent, it's easy to think about yourself last.  When I'm plating supper, I am the last to sit down.  Their schedules come first, their needs come first, their feelings come first.  In my opinion, this is just a natural course of action.  Sure, occasionally I make decisions that accommodate myself first.  For example, 16 months ago, I made my health a priority and started going to the gym.  I'm not going to pretend that I am an expert, I am like a first grader when it comes to health and fitness, barely reading.  I am not 'jacked' and I'm also not ready to run a marathon.  However, I compiled a list of "TRUE STORY: this could change your life, think about it!" ... life tips.

1. Skinny does not equal healthy.  I spent the first year of my journey 'wishing I was skinny'.  Big mistake.  A few reasons this was a mistake for me... I do not see myself for what I really am.  When I look in the mirror, I just see all the work I need to do, failing to recognizing the WINS- BIG WINS I have accomplished.  That is not a healthy way to  look at yourself.  It is damaging and not beneficial to your overall well being.  Reason number 2, I've seen many skinny little darlings that could not keep up with me.  I have gained stamina, strength, and endurance in the body.  I have gained stamina, strength and endurance in the MIND.  I have learned... I don't need to reach to be someone elses size that I have deemed "skinny" in order to be healthy.  Think about it.  It's time to love yourself.  The self that is taken care of, rested, yet worked hard. 

2. Cut up the blasted celery.  Cut it up, all of it.  Clean your produce, wash it all off and USE it.  I have no idea how much $$$ I have wasted on fresh vegetables and fruits.  When I don't make it super accessible and ready to go, it rots.  Wasteful.  Sometimes I hear people say, I just need something sweet.. :) Smiley face? No smiley face. Eat an apple, its really quite sweet.  Your body isn't telling you to eat something "sweet".  Your body is chanting "Feed me sugar, feed me sugar" and were all giving in!!!  BoooOOOooo!!!  I have learned to HATE the power that sugar has over me.  It annoys me, so I do what any strong willed woman would do... pout.  Okay, just kidding.  I try to show sugar who is boss and say no!  

3.  Nike had a point.  Just do it!  Like, for real.  Don't even think about it another second.  Start somewhere, continue on, push harder, do what you can.  I mean, whatever it is, JUST DO IT!  Get moving!  Matt and I took a mile walk with the kids the other day, the three oldest rode bike and we pulled the twins in a wagon.  I walked a pretty fast pace so I could see where the boys were at all times.  I was not winded, I could have gone longer.  This is not how I started, but man, it feels good to finally be here.  To keep up with the kids and not be exhausted.  I can't even further explain my triumph in this moment.  My husband has always been a fast walker, 2-3 steps ahead of me.  Not anymore, I'm doing it!!  

4. Scales are dumb.  I had great success with the scale for my first 40 pounds.  I dropped those off like a goodwill donation, no thank you- don't need a receipt, just glad to not have all that taking up space ;)  The next 5, felt more like a root canal.  I've never had one, but I can only imagine.  It was painful, hard work.  It was slooooowww going, and it felt like no matter how hard I worked, nothing actually worked!!  But then... I got a little smarter.  A little birdie had told me time and time again -- measure!!  Take measurements.  Did I listen, no.  Not until I got desperate and on the brink of giving up.  Finally, I took some measurements and by-golly George.  Who would've ever guessed that muscle takes up less room than fat?? Scales are dumb.  I just about gave it all up over  "lack of scale victories".  Don't let the scale have that much power.  How you feel, how your jeans fit, how much energy you have --- those things count too.  Think about it.

5. Make yourself a priority.  Your family will thank you for it!  Your health is a valuable thing to you and to your family.  Taking time to work out can benefit both your health and your mood.  I know I need the time out sometimes.  It's a struggle for me some evenings, because I REALLY just want to spend time with my husband.  I just want to sit on the couch, watch mindless TV, scroll on my phone, eat popcorn and enjoy the peace.  However, I've never once regretted getting to the gym and getting my workout on.  

6. You don't have to always go "Beast Mode".  Before I started working out, I thought of it as this strenuous, sweat pooling, can't breathe, body rippling activity.  I was intimidated.  I started slow, like... wayyyy slow.  I've worked my way up where I can go "Beast Mode" if that is what I choose on the given day.  Heavy lifting is a powerful thing, running is a powerful thing... both have helped me to achieve some of the results I was looking for.  I did NOT start there.  I do NOT always go hard hard HARD at the gym.  Push yourself, yes.  Work your muscles until they are sore.  However, do NOT let the gym intimidate you.

7. Find an accountability buddy.  Find someone who will share successes and struggles with you.  Share tips and tricks, recipes and workout strategies.  Laugh with each other, pray for each other.  Work out together, encourage each other.  The value of a person like this is exponentially unidentifiable.  I have no clue how long ago I would have thrown in the towel if I did not have a super extraordinary accountability buddy.  Find one, and be the person that believes in them 1000% of the way -- I guarantee they will reward you back with the same kind of intense support.

8. Healthy eating is a daily battle for me.  I love food, yummy yummy, tasty food.  I love carbs and sugar.  I see no reason to deny the fact that food is my drug.  I could eat more and more and then some more!!  Food is not like other drugs.  Other drugs are not essential to life, food on the other hand is.  Its like tight rope dancing, you need to eat... but only what your body NEEDS to FUEL itself.  This concept has help me a lot.  Food is like fuel for your body. Some foods fuel your body to help you have energy and get through the day and all the activities of the day.  Some foods are actually terrible fuel.  They work for a short time and then peter out on you and cause moody behavior or sometimes they even make you more tired.  Fuel your tank with the things that are going to help you, not hurt you.

9. Everything is good in moderation.  Indulging is bad bad bad... bad bad bad.  It can wreak havoc on your goals and set you back to the point where you might feel like 'whats the point?'.  I have been there...  Denying yourself access to things entirely, is going to make your disobedient behind even more tempted to just say "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to!!!"  Taking foods and making them off limit has led me to more disobedient food choices than I care to admit.  When I allow myself slight access, I feel I have more of a take it or leave it approach.  Who knew I was such a rebel???

10. It's a journey.  It's a lot of choices day after day.  Believe in yourself!!!  So much of an active lifestyle is mind over matter.  If I can do it, you most certainly can!

Thank you to my village!

I've been having some bittersweet emotions lately.  The kind where you have a smile on your face as you look back on past times, past events.  You laugh and remember with a tender heart, the fond memories you made some of those special days.  Sometimes, your smile produces tears.  An interesting combination, yes, but this is quite possibly one of the most genuine feelings you've ever had.  Quickly, your special memory, that very special time captures both your mind and your heart and you are flooded with those genuine feelings.  Thankfulness, love, fond memories of laughter, a time where you've never known a greater loss-- all bundled into one tearful smile.

That's the way I felt, in a nutshell, yesterday.  My amazing husband, so thoughtful and kind, brought some home videos to a 'video guy' in Marshall.  He made us DVD's that consisted of our wedding and Noah's CI surgery, recovery and activation.  I couldn't hardly breathe yesterday (yucky cold) but I can't imagine a better way to spend my day that watching these videos and napping! :)

We were in our living room, kids were playing and we were playing with them.  Big kids, we are.  Suddenly, without discussing anything, Matt called Noah upstairs to watch a movie.  I thought, huh, usually we watch movies in the evening.. but I went with it.  Noah sat down, and Matt turned on the TV.  The main screen showed an image of Matt and I in our wedding attire and another icon that was Noah when he was just 1 year old.  Instantly, I was flooded with emotion.  These are both videos that we have never watched together.  We never took the time to put them on DVD's! 

The first one we watched was our wedding.  It was so fun to see all those baby faces!!!!  I watched on, the beginning of the video was our rehearsal.  I knew it was coming, and started holding back tears early on.  I watched my bridesmaids clasp arms with Matt's groomsmen, practicing their march down the aisle.  I listened the the music played, and felt the tingly butterfly-feel good feelings, deep down in my heart.  I smiled on.  Finally, the video focused in on the back of the church.  Pointed directly at long time bestie Katie, as she kept us all organized.  She says "Nae, it's your turn".  My dad reaches his arm out for me to grab on to, and just like that, he practiced walking me down the aisle.

I cried, still crying now, just remembering how special that time was.  I've told the story before about when my dad walked me down at rehearsal.  How we get to the end of the aisle and Pastor Dave asks "Who gives this woman to this man" and my Dad replies in the most genuine way "Her ma and I". -- I've got it all on video.  My memory has not let me down, it happened just the way I remember it.  Jeez, I really miss my dad.

There are times that I think about how emotional I can get and I think, Good grief!  What is wrong with me?  It will be 9 years since my dad passed away in two days.  Nine years is a really long time.  So much has changed in these last nine years, but one thing hasn't.  I still wish I had my dad here with me. 

I had a talk with my mom a couple days ago, and she spilled some of her feelings to me and I shared some with her.  I just don't know if we will ever really be over it.  Some of those last moments, the last 3 months in particular.  I think back to his last week of life, our last conversation.  I told him I would see him at home in 3 days, and he just shrugged and smiled.  I will never forget that face.  I will never forget how agitated he was when we all arrived at the hospital.  He was not communicative anymore, but he was uncomfortable and seemed so irritable.  Ugh, its a painful memory.  My brother, lovingly grabbed his hand and just said to him "it's okay dad, were all here now".  Do you ever just feel like if you make the wrong move, breathe wrong, make any sudden movements or anything at all-- your just going to lose it?  That's how I was in that moment.  Frozen at the corner of his bed, looking on with tears welling up in my eyes.  My brother said to me "Come over here Nae, he would want you to comfort him".  I shook my head no.  He further coaxed me and told me it was all going to be okay.  I walked to his bedside in complete shock.  I inhaled deeply and cried a deep yet silent cry, with tears streaming down my face.  I grabbed onto his left arm and I squeaked "It's okay Dad, were all here now".  He was now calm, he seemed more comfortable.  My heart was broken as I looked across the room at my mom who had welled up eyes.  She was sitting next to the chair that my dad was sitting on the last time I was in his room.  I just couldn't believe it.  I still can't believe it, he was supposed to be coming home.  A few days ago, we were talking about taking him home.

That's what I remember.  That's what I think about when I grieve the loss of my dad.  I don't know if I've ever felt so out of control of a situation in my life.  Bear in mind, I was not spiritually sound at this point in my life.  I believed that there was a God, but I did not have much understanding of Jesus Christ and his death.  My husband was much more aware of his spiritual well being.  He knew and had a strong hearted faith in and belief in the Lord.  Immediately, I wondered what I did wrong.  Why did I deserve this??  If there was a God, why did he just take my father from me?  I was mad. MAD, hurt, sad and really just in shock.  Matt, on the other hand, he had faith.  He believed in something greater than me.  I kept wondering what more I could have done while Matt knew that the work was already done for him, through Jesus, through grace.  It took me a couple more years to understand Matt, and his ideas.  I wasn't through with blaming myself.

Present day, I know better.  I know that there is nothing I could have done to have saved my dad.  I think back to a time in November, just before his 48th birthday.  Less than three months before I said my last goodbye to my dad, we had a conversation about his life.  We were on our way to Sioux Falls, I was taking him to an appointment that he had with his pain management specialist (due to a work injury he suffered about 3-4 years prior).  He told me he thought he was a bad man and that he hoped the Lord would have mercy on his soul.  I shook my head and scrunched my eyebrows, then I said "Why would you think your a bad man, I think you are a good man!"  He lowered his head, at this time we thought maybe he was battling pneumonia.  His voice was deeper than normal, scratchy and quiet.  He said, "You know my girl, I've always wanted to be good.  I don't make the right choices.  I want you all to know I always loved you. I know I've hurt you guys, and your ma.  I just hope you guys forgive me.  I hope God can forgive me."  He closed his eyes, in the passenger seat of my car and took a nap the rest of the way to Sioux Falls.  I stared blankly ahead at the road, a little bit weirded out by our conversation.

I find more comfort in that conversation now than I ever did in that moment.  In fact, I don't think I appreciated the nature of that conversation until recently.  My dad believed.  

It's always a bit more of an emotional time for me, remembering all of the different events that led up to Feb 3, nine years ago.  It really was something special, especially for my oldest, Noah, to be able to watch the video and see my dad.  He said "wow, he was really tall" :)

What a fun memory, to watch a whole bunch of people that love and support Matt and I.  You people, literally, amaze me still today.  I had some old friends from Hatton (Leah, Josh and Pete) on camera, placing table decorations and putting together archways.  I watched Katie manage people after I declared "do NOT ask me any more questions" --- I may have been a bit of a bridezilla?  Dezi, Jess, Anna, Tiff and my sister Ash were the most amazing supporters.  Minimal eye rolls ;)  Such a beautiful time!  Danielle, thank you for videoing the rehearsal.  Wow, so much love and beautiful memories encapsulated in that kind gesture my husband made-- a wedding DVD.

Although I'm an emotional basket case (mostly behind the comfort of the closed doors in my home) I am extremely grateful for the "I love Renae" peeps in my life.  Many of those people have evolved into "We think the Steffens are pretty great" and I love those people too :).  Some say they don't want the village to have any input on their lives or their kids upbringing, but I'm not one of them.  I love my village.  The people that support, care for, love, bring my kids to school, get my butt out of bed in am for a workout, text me cuz they care, ask for my opinion-- because they think MY opinion is valuable, know that even if we don't talk everyday-- I still have love for them, listen to my stories, laugh at my jokes and know that sometimes I am emotional.  Those people, yes, all of them.  I love them.

So I'm probably going to go read the letters my dad wrote to me, you know, I've mentioned them before if you've been a long time blog follower.  I will have tears streaming while I smile in fond memory of when my dad would ask me about how my days are going and let me know how much he cared about me.  Don't worry, I have a roast in the crockpot, so my family won't starve ;)

exhausted!

Heyyyooooo!!!  It's been a long time since I've hit the keyboard.  Happy 2016!!!!  I can't say I was terribly sad to see 2015 disappear, what a year it happened to be!  There were some highlights, there were some moments of eeEEeeekk, and there was most definitely some times where I felt like a deer in the headlights... coo-koo-coo-koo. Or like a coo-koo clock? I dunno where I was going with that, but I think I'm anti-backspace today. Muhahaha, bare with me.  Loose cannon ;)

So we have this little girl at our house, her name is Baylee :)  She has a lot to say and this much I am *usually* thankful for :)  I know with certainty, she is her big (by a minute) sisters biggest asset.  Talk, talk, talk and talk some more.  She is independent, thoughtful, feisty and fierce.  If I were to ball park how many 'words' she has, I would guess upwards of 200??  I don't know.  This fully hearing business is out of my league.  However, when our speech team shows up at home... nothing. Nada.  She acts like a mute.  I'm starting to wonder if they think we are in denial about how much she can hear.  Literally, the girl can't hardly be coaxed to say a word.  She follows their commands (they let her play along with the activities they have planned for Aubs) and she listens to directions well.  Meh, its a good opportunity that life has presented me with to practice not caring what people might think, but focus on what I KNOW to be true.  She's a smart girl, talkative too :)

Aubree is about to celebrate her one year hearing birthday.  Wahoo, I remember wondering if she was ever going to get those blasted implants.  I kept thinking, Ok God, what do you want me to do here... you need to speak it to me slow and clear because clearly I'm not catching on.  I'm still not sure if I've learned what I needed to from that situation.  Aubree is worth it, I mean really, she is.  But she is a hard little girl.  She was HARD then, with the passing of that one screening that mislead us to think she could hear, to noticing that she could NOT, the diagnosis, ANSD, inability to implant,  She has the best little smile, cheese for miles.  But dangit, she is HARD.  Two years old is not getting any easier.  I think its fair to say that a lot of it is me.  I need to do some work on me.  Aubree is very temperamental, and she uses her CI's to her fullest.  She is smart enough to know that they are important, she asks to have them put on.  But she is also smart enough to know that if she wants to send my heart down to my ankles, she can just start taking apart her "precious merchandise".

Kinda funny.. not funny.  Fed-Ex has had two different vehicles drop me off CochlearAmerica products in the first 10 minutes of sitting down and writing this blog. Ha!

Aubree is very tough on her cochlear implants, which is probably typical of two year olds.  She is really doing great things.  She is speaking in 2,3 and 4 word sentences.  She repeats (when feeling compliant) and she speak spontaneously.  She uses great intonation when she talks -- knows how to sound excited, how to whisper, how to scorn :) :) I'm not sure where she learned how to lay down the law.... ok, that was a lie.  I'm definitely the disciplinarian, spending all this time with the kiddos.  Aubree loves her daddy (well, they all do.. but Aubree is especially fond of him).  She can hear him open the door and he usually says (if you know him, you can probably imagine this better) "HeeellLLooOOOO".  She hears him guys, no matter where she is at in the house.  She hears him.  Its really beautiful when I reflect on that small detail of daily life.  I didn't know if we would get here, but we did and I'm grateful to the MOON and BACK!  ANSD wrecked me for the vast majority of 2015.  Aubree was diagnosed with auditory neuropathy, and I spend oodles and caboodles of time researching to try to figure out what I needed to do to best help my daughters.  What did I find out??  Pretty much... good luck.  Results vary.  CI's might be amazing.  CI's might be unnecessary.  She might need to learn a different way of life than what was familiar for my other deaf children.  These discoveries did not sit well with me.  To this day, I'm not 100% positive that the auditory neuropathy isn't affecting her in some ways.  All I can say with certainty is, she speaks, and she hears.  It was sooo slow going.  I'd never cried in front of my audiologist before.  I usually save the tears for my bed late at night.  On occasion I let them flow when I sit before my laptop and let myself feel it all out - like today :).  I just remember, trying to keep it all together.  I remember feeling jerked around by my emotions with my head swaying side to side like I was in a boxing match trying to avoid the jabs.  I just started bawling.  I asked her if Aubree was going to be okay, and if she really thought the CI's could help her.  She gave me a sense of calm and hope that day, that I needed so badly.  So I forged on, with her confidence that Aubree would be a great candidate for CI.  It sure looks like she was right.  Her sweet little face and her perfect little voice makes it all worth it.  I have to chuckle, are you familiar with Lil' John??  If you are not, thats probably a good thing.  He is a rapper... but Matt likes to say that Aubree is our 'lil' John'.  Her favorite words are "okayy, and yeah".  If she starts saying WHAT??  I guess maybe Matt is on to something :)

Miles got to visit the audiologist yesterday as well.  His ears have changed slightly, and his hearing aids were turned up just a tad.  He is really proud to go to the "ear doctor".  He was a little sad on the trip home that he didn't get to see our usual audiologist, which actually made my heart happy.  Not because we didn't get to see her, but because our 4 year old is fond of this woman who has very much been a part of our lives since before he was even born!  Miles is theeeeee sweetest little man.  Oh my aching stars, he says the sweetest things.  We went to a wedding in October for Matt's cousin.  We have a picture of her in our house and Miles likes to bring the picture over to me and say "mom, remember when we got to dance with the beautiful princess??"  He tells me everyday without prompting that he loves me.  He makes sure that I know that I'm beautiful, and he has a style of his own.  He likes to pick his own clothes, because he knows what makes himself handsome.  When he gets big, he wants to be a "super awesome Daddy" just like his own daddy.  Yep, that Milesy sure is a charmer.

Kendra is doing a great job in kindergarten.  She is still working on tying her shoes, she is getting better everyday at recognizing her site words and an artist she most definitely is.  She is very detail oriented and takes a lot of pride in neatness.  Kendra has come such a long way in the past few years.  She has been having some issues with a bump on her head where her CI goes.  It gets puffy to the point where her CI has a hard time staying connected.  I'm really praying this issue resolves itself without any more medical intervention and becomes a non-issue.  The same thing happened about a year ago, and it resolved itself after a CT scan showed no concerns.

Noah is a brilliant, wise cracking, sister pestering, mature minded, little 8 year old.  He loves to read, absolutely loves it.  If he gets bored, he will pick up a book.  It's great.  But I also envision him not being entirely popular with his class this week :).  His teacher usually writes on the board that they are supposed to read 20 minutes.  Noah, with his inquisitive young mind raised his hand to ask why that was not part of their homework :)  Oh, such a sweet little soul.  The teacher said she wanted to change the reading goal from 20 to 25 minutes and had forgotten to write it up there!  Good thing she had Noah there.  However if you were a fellow 3rd grader, you may not see this being such a popular move. :)

Matt and I are always trying to work on ourselves.  We try to invest in our marriage, take care of our bodies, nurture and love our children, discipline and handle them just the same.  We've committed to one another that we will always be a "work in progress".  Sometimes we miss each other in the shuffle of life.  Between rotating workouts, airplane and horsey rides with the children. preparing meals, cleaning up our home and work.. we just plain out don't get the opportunity to take care of each other in a way that seems or feels fair.  What I've found to be the most helpful, is doing our best to maintain a solid bedtime.  Any time after bedtime should be for us.  To have those conversations and discuss our highs and lows of the day.  We don't always get to make this happen, but it's a goal that I would recommend to all my married peeps.  Make each other a priority.  Send a text, write a little note.  Get out on date nights every once in a while!!  It's important!! Well, it's important for me.
I over heard Miles giving Baylee and Aubree some really great information today.  I mentioned before that two year olds can be a handful?  Yeah.  Well my two year olds are more than two handfuls.  Exhausting, honestly, just frazzle my dazzle, pull out my hair, exhausting.  Probably not what people want to hear from me, but I'm being real.  These kids can be... A lot.  So anyways, Aubs and Bay were having a little fist fight (not really, but it makes the story better ;)) and Miles comes in the middle and breaks it up.  They have matching toy cell phones, but apparently they both wanted the same one!  Of course... So Aubs whacks Bay a good one on the head and Bay retaliates by pinching her arm with all her might.  Miles comes right in the middle of the chaos and I'm trying to scrub the hand washing soap out of the rug that one of my little love bugs has completely dumped.  Since Miles seemed to have it under control and no blood was yet to be shed, I did the natural thing any mom would do (right?? please, tell me I'm right??), I let Miles handles it.  He says a little something like this "GIRLS!  You guys are Steffens.  Do Steffens behave like that? No, N-O, NO!  If you can't learn to get along your going to grow up and be sad girls.  Do you know what happens to sad girls?  They be mean to other peoples.  That is very bad behavior.  We do not be mean to other peoples.  When you get bigger, if your mean to other peoples, they will be mean to you and everyone will just be sad. Ya got it???"  So for real, I couldn't have said that any better myself.  Not to mention both girls whined "okay..." to Miles and they continued playing in their fort.  Ahhh... what am I going to do without my Milesy next year???  Instead of focusing on that, I think I will just try to stay present in the moment and enjoy all that is RIGHT NOW :)

I'm exhausted in a number of different ways, you may have gotten that vibe... But I'm most grateful for the opportunity to be honest and humble and say hey, this is really quite hard, and I am struggling.  Being a mom in general is hard work, being a working parent is hard work, working is hard work.  We've all got something, right?  We've all got something.  I pray that your "something" doesn't overshadow all of the beauty in those little moments.  I pray that the speckles of hope are evident and the splashes of joy are more than recognizable.  Sometimes those little pieces of the puzzle are the hardest to put together.  Don't give up, all the pieces are there.  When we feel "rough around the edges", we've filled in the easy part of the puzzle.  The edges.  We have to try harder to see the bright side, the inside of the puzzle.

Blessings to you all, my friends :)  Thanks for reading!