We win in the end

I had the amazing privilege of going away this past weekend for a Women of Faith conference with some amazing ladies.  It's actually quite a story how we ended up attending and getting together.  I sort of feel as though God pushed me to get a small group going and I reached out to the same group Matt and I had previously done studies with.  Honestly, I was not that into it.  I was listening to God and got it going, but I was just not feeling it.  Thankfully, when we rolled it out, the time spent with the group was enjoyable and I did feel like I was listening to God and getting some insight on His word and strengthening our marriage.  However, I was keeping my heart guarded.  Our study was nearing an end and one of the girls mentioned the Women of Faith conference coming up.  All the other girls were intrigued and I felt compelled to see what it was about.  We committed to going together way in advance, buying discounted tickets.  Who knew that simply getting that bible study going would lead to one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

I learned so much from my weekend away.  One of the biggest things I took home with me was recognizing when the little things become BIG things: hearing, having leftovers in the fridge, plentiful jobs.  Similar to if I'd ever experienced homelessness (which to be clear, I have not), having a place to live would be huge!  This theory can go the opposite way quickly if I make too big of a deal out of things that just don't need so much attention.  I feel like its the enemy sneaking in sometimes and making me dwell on negatives and turning little things into bigger things than they were ever meant to be.  Dwelling too much on these things can wreak havoc on self esteem, hope and  most importantly faith.

What an epiphany!  I have said it before, and I know it to be true but its something I really have to work on remembering.  The enemy sees my weaknesses and he tries to capitalize and make me feel like I am alone---- I AM NOT ALONE!!!  At Women of Faith, the testimonies of the speakers was gut wrenchingly close to home.  On several occasions, tears streamed from my eyes and I felt a sense of reassurance---- I am NOT alone!

About a year ago this time, I was awaiting the arrival of the two of the sweetest baby girls that I could have ever imagined welcoming into our family.  I felt a sense of calm about them coming.  I was trusting that God was going to take the best care of me.  I wondered, and people asked, about whether I thought the girls could hear or not.  I didn't know, I felt like whatever was going on in there would be good and had an extreme sense of confidence that He had it under control.  Sure, I prayed about it.  Finally came the day when the twins were born, healthy and sweet little girls.  The quickest nearly 20 pounds I ever could have lost.  When I was waiting for the test results on Aubrees hearing screening, I prayed.  With all my being, I prayed.  I believed that God would make my daughter hear.  She failed the screen at the hospital so as per protocol, her re-screen was with our regular audiology team.  I continued to stay faithful.  I reached out to some prayer warriors, let them know the situation and asked them to go to work praying for my sweet, innocent baby.  And they did.  Aubree miraculously passed the screening at the clinic! Within just a couple of minutes, she passed and we thought about how wonderful our God was.  I cried a lip quivering joyous cry.  I was so thankful.  Days passed, and I quickly questioned the passed screening.  I would ask Matt "tell me honestly, can she hear???"  He would say "the test says she can".  Over a weeks time I watched what seemed to be her hearing coming and going.  One minute it was there, the next minute it was gone.  I reached back out to our audiologist.  What a nerve wracking week that was, waiting for another appointment.

Long story, short.  I was right.  She did not have the perfect hearing that I had prayed for.  Everything in my life to this point felt unfair.  In that moment I was smitten with anger.  This is not how I had ever imagined or hoped my life would be.  God had not given my daughter the hearing that I had believed wholeheartedly he had the power to give her.  I was crushed.  My faith had taken a deep blow.  I was hurting, wondering why she would pass that test only to create a false sense of hope.  They called in ANSD.  Something that even with all our other experiences with hearing loss could never compare to.  I went home and didn't get a good night of sleep for days.  I researched and studied, cried and whaled wondering why.  Why me?  I didn't want relationships, friends, family... God.  I didn't want Him!

I remember thinking about how this is not the life I wanted or dreamt of.  I felt like it was a nightmare.  How much more trial can one person experience?  As a child, I lived with an alcoholic father, experienced instability of a family that included a more than full time working mother, felt the struggle knowing that money was not prevalent, my father lost both his parents and sunk into a deeper depression.  His addiction grew stronger.  We uprooted and moved closer to my mom's family at what I remember being a hard age to start over.  My insecurities were at an all time high. Shortly after that, I lost my favorite uncle, who was just 36 years old, and my last living grandparent followed his son to heaven just a short time later.   By age 15 when my grandpa passed, I had already been to more close family members funerals than my husband has in his 28 years and than probably most people have by their 40's.  My relationship with my mom was rocky through my teenager years.  I think I harbored some unfair feelings about how much responsibility I carried being the oldest kid in the house.

My dad was in and out of jail, and I could never figure out why he didn't love me enough to stay sober.  All my siblings would attest to the fact that I was my dads #1 girl.  Yet my pleas were not enough.  Thankfully, I met a boy who would become my best friend and later my husband, during some turbulent teenager times.  He accepted me and all my baggage.  At age 19, less than a year after I married the man who dug me out of my slump I can remember my dad being sober for his longest string.  Until the world came crashing down, yet again.  Dad got sick and quickly passed.  Broken again, I cried out to God.  Angrily, I cried.  Why, God?  This was not the life I wanted.

The next 8 years are what most people know of me.  Pregnant with a perfect little reminder of what life really looks like.  I became a mom and delivered a nearly ten pound baby who literally rescued my mom from the deepest low a person could ever experience.  Most people now look at our relationship with envy and see a rich bond.  Noah was our glue.  Yet my perfect baby was somehow flawed.  Who had heard of a child born with hearing loss?? Not me!

25% chance, they said.  It was genetic, they explained.  My soul mate and I were destined to be blessed with four more children.  Totaling 5 kids, 80% with hearing loss was way over the odds.  Luckily, about 6 years ago we were divinely accepted into a body of believers in a small group.  Matt led me through some bible basics and spiritually our family flourished.  I found some resolve in my life circumstances, not to say there weren't times where I would say "why me, God?"  Truthfully, this past year has been hard.  Miserable. 

I dipped into a low spot.  I'd been looking to other things for satisfaction.  I started working really hard at work.  I'm happy to be at work, but I was looking for a happiness that I just was not going to find that would satiate me for the long run.  It didn't matter how well I performed there, how much mentoring I did to people, how much praise for a job well done and how much I was able to teach others.  At Women of Faith, I was reminded that the ultimate place to find the genuine joy was in my God.  He loves me and has been with me the whole nine yards+.  You see, I'd given up on Him and was trying to fix my life when it wasn't really broken.  I was searching for something that I thought was meant to be mine and never really existed.  The enemy snuck into my head and made me think that this was not the way my life was intended.  He was so wrong!

I love my kids and want nothing but the absolute best for it.  If you've read my blog before, you probably can tell--- they are thought of with the highest regards.  I love them soo very deeply and sometimes need to be reminded that Christ loves me not that much, but so much more!  I will experience more trials, but I trust that I have a strong foundation of believers and people that love me that will keep my eyes open to the light, shining out the darkness that lurks nearby.  I have some of the best girlfriends that I know I can run to when times get tough.  And they will, again and again.  The girls that held my hands and hugged my shoulders this weekend when I stood up upon being called this past weekend, are a Godsend.  Even the one who is not a "hugger", who has the biggest heart I could ever imagine would welcome my tears with a shoulder and a hug.  That is how I know that God is with me.  Great friends, amazing family and beautiful Godly interventions.  Those little whispers that let me know, He is in control.  Possibly the best message that I took home with me this weekend was simple.  We will experience trial, and we might banter back and forth from survival to revival. But we win in the end.  We win in the end.

Things Change

I dug out a box of pictures and rummaged through.  Before I even noticed, I'd buried my head deep in fond memory for 2 hours!!!  I found pictures of my parents, painting houses.  I thought back to a visit about 8 years ago to what I would call my "hometown".  Small town North Dakota :) My first memory in life is in a that small town.  My first meaningful friendship was started there.  I visited my old neighbors for several hours.  They were an elderly couple and they absolutely adored me, no doubt in my mind.  They told me stories about how my dad basically painted every house in the town of Hatton.  They went on to talk about all of the roofing jobs he did and how him and my mom did great work together.  Throughout the whole visit I don't think they stopped smiling.  I left feeling proud that I had taken the time to talk with them, and happy to hear what they had to say.  I never spoke to them again.  Isn't that a crazy thought?  Why would I have such a pleasant experience only to never make that effort again?

People come and go in our lives.  We don't always know when it's going to happen, and sometimes its a long time coming.  I kept looking through photos, and found some from my high school days.  Many of the people in the pictures have moved states away, some are just a few hours travel time from where we graduated.  Regardless to where they are, my relationship with so many of them is just memories of our earlier years.  I can gladly say that I'm fortunate to still have an amazing bond with several people.  The type of bond where I know if I want to reach out and vent or speak from my heart and say what I REALLY mean, they will receive it and be there for me.  I have friendships where I can go out for an evening and pick right up.  I can laugh, cry, smile, be honest and just enjoy the company of someone who truly cares about me!!  I'm blessed in that department.

Somewhere along the way, we all change.  Our location, our likes, dreams.  Sometimes our morals, beliefs, wishes and careers will change.  I was tested this past week, several times.  The same message kept popping up "People change".  I've changed!

I had this friend in high school.  She was a firecracker personality with brains, confidence and the type of personality that you just knew whatever she wanted, she was going to make it happen.  I always admired that about her, even though sometimes her confidence might have struck a nerve with me.  I was tested this week by an opinion she posted regarding cochlear implants.  I was pained by the negative feelings she had by them and basically how she didn't see the value in them.  Of course, I had a conversation with her on it -- which ended with her mind standing firm that they were useless and my heart feeling deflated.  I kept thinking I was talking to my friend from high school.  I forgot that 10 years has passed.  Life experience, training, daily interactions and just life in general has changed her.  Its changed me too.  I maybe was not the nicest person to all different types of people.  I might have been a jerk.  Now, I think about how kids treat one another, how my kids are different and I cringe.  People change.  I've changed.

I was looking through my wedding album.  :) Beautiful memories from that day (and even the days leading up to it, though I was a complete basket case -- with witnesses).  Unfortunately, I've even had some fall out with people in my wedding.  I miss them.  Terribly.  Some where along the way, some things fell out of place and now I'm missing out on some friendships.  However, there are memories deeply embedded in my soul that I can't mistake.  Without question, I've prayed for reconciliation and while I'm guilty of not knowing how to take the right steps to start again, every once in a while I reach out and hope for the best.

I got to thinking, what if?  You know, all the what if's in the world will really play mind games and send me into a harmful spiral of late night crazy thoughts and mid-day zoning out.  But.... I still do it!  What if I move?  My husband works 70 painstaking miles away from home.  It's not that outlandish of a thought.  Would my friends still take time to reach out to me?  Would the relationships that I've worked hard on dwindle out?  Likely, yes.

Lastly, I just wanted to say something to a very special friend in my life.  She knows who she is, and is probably welling up as she reads this.  It's not easy for me to step out of my comfort zone and approach people.  I'm not gifted in the way that you are.  But once upon a time, you reached out to me.  Invited me to a mom's group, text me, called and made a point to wave/say hi/reach out in every interaction we had.  We became close, trusting one another with our thoughts and feelings.  Now your moving away, to a place that is unfamiliar and starting over brand new.  Ive cried quite a few tears thinking about not having your friendly presence in my backyard, but I just want you to know that you are one of those special people that people like me don't forget.  When I reach out to you (which you know is HARD for me to do) you always respond.  You never leave me hanging.  When I'm having a bad day, I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that you will respond caringly.  I trust that your going to be the kind of friend that I can always catch up with, no matter how much time has passed.  You can know with certainty, I will be praying for you, your relationships (even though I'm jealous that this new town is going to be getting you and were missing out over here), your family and especially that your relationship with Jesus will be strengthened during this incredibly difficult time of change.  People change, things change.  I've changed too.

Life has many seasons

School is back in session!  Noah has loved his second grade teacher so far and there has even been an encouraging note sent home :) :).  I practiced spelling words with Noah the last couple nights and his handwriting has improved leaps and bounds!!!!!  We worked on it very minimally over the summer so seeing such a drastic improvement left me feeling like air high fiving God.  Yes, yes, yes!!! He is good!

Kendra is in a p.m. preschool program and being the pesky mama I am, I had to make a phone call to hear how she was doing.  "She's been a delight" ---- yea, my Kendra they were talking about ;).  She is 4, going on 14 with all her eye rolls accompanied with a "Really??".  Or stomping off from her brothers because argghhhh "why are you boys so CrAzY!!"  Or the most recent test she has thrown at me when I say-- "I'm not ready for you to cross the street to check the mail by yourself yet" and she replies "I think you should be ready for me to cross the street by myself".  I was awestruck, and just answered her with a simple yet pouty WELL I'M NOT! She snickers and as she walks away with confidence says "Oh mom, one day you will understand".  Now wait a minute, is she already using my material on ME!?!?!?  Don't get me wrong, I love that little sass pants.  She is just a wise beyond her years type of gal that really knows how to get her mom going.

Miles is in the morning preschool program.  He is warming up.  He is such a people pleaser, and will often answer all questions with a smile and a cheerful "yea...".   Hey Miles, do you want to go outside?? ----  "yea...." :).  Miles, do you like to play with ponies?? ---- "yea...." :).  Oh Miles, your such a goofy boy! ---- "mm hmm, yea...!".  Ok Miles is there anything you don't agree with? ---- "yea!"  Oh boy, he is going to have to do better than that at school!!  In all honesty, Miles has improved soooo much with his listening and his language.  I'm so impressed with his ability to cope in environments hes not comfortable with (even if it just means being agreeable) but I'm even more impressed with his communication abilities.  Luckily, he has started to warm up at school and I'm looking forward to hearing even more about it!

Aubree had a date with the audiologist yesterday, and the results were encouraging and also confusing at the same time.  Between her and Baylee, one of them broke her right hearing aid to the point where it needed sending in.  However, we were still able to test the left ear.  The test showed that she responded at 20-25 dB, which was an improvement over the last test.  We will go back in another few weeks and test the right as well as monitor to see if there is any consistency with her left ear.  The confusing part is the ANSD snake.  That slippery little sucker is hard to interpret.  With ANSD, Aubree might be alerted to sounds but not actually able to make sense of them.  It might be coming in as static.  Really, only time will tell.  If she starts to mimic us or attempt to make consonant vowel sounds and baby babble more, we might be able to be more excited about how her hearing is developing.  Its still a guessing game.

Baylee, sweet Baylee.  Just about flew off my radar because she doesn't have an ear update!  She talks a bunch --- dada, yum-yum, hi, no.  My sweet girls are 10 months old already!!!  Bay has not been sleeping great, blasted teeth have really left her in tizzie.  Her hair has grown sooo much, she passed up Aubs!!  She can have pigtails already :).  I'm still figuring this girl out.  She just hasn't been happy this past 6 weeks and I'm hoping that with her most recent 3 teeth breaking through, I will find a happy little Steffen girl underneath that grizzly bear that I've come to love and call Bay beans :)

So how is Renae doing?  Well, I am so glad you asked!!!! ;)
I am struggling with a few things right now.  I am overjoyed with some other things.  I am coping with a few more.  That about sums it up!

ok, ok, ok. I will indulge a little.  Kendra has a CI that went missing in February and was finally located July 31!! That is a LONG time to have such a special and expensive piece of equipment missing.  I don't want to be ungrateful, but I searched HIGH and I searched LOW and then the CI was in one of those places just barely above eyesight, where an adult probably placed it to be safely found later.  It was in a room that I scoured, emptied drawers once-twice-three times!  My husband and little brother cleaned out duct work in that room.  In God's time, it was located. Phew!

I am struggling with managing daily life a little bit?  I've been sick this past week, while on vacation (yuck).  Other than being sick, five kids is just really tricky.  Five kids ages 7 and under.  Four of my five have hearing problems.  Keeping their equipment in working order, on their ears, out of their mouths.  Keeping them all in clean clothes, keeping them fed.  Making sure they don't choke on the plastic wrapper which once held 6 delicious round peanut butter cracker sandwiches.  Daily life stuff.  Diapers, rocking babies who have teeth coming in, rocking 4 year olds who have an ear ache.  Playing ponies with my 3 year old, making sure my babies nap appropriately in the afternoon so they don't nap in the evening and then forget that mom needs sleep at night in order to function in the morning and do it all over again.  At the end of the day, there is just nothing left of me.  I've kissed so many boo-boo's and refereed so many matches that my energy is absolutely gone.

My husband is an amazing man.  He is a hard working, generous, kind spirited, Jesus loving, grace giving, spirit filled, gentle, caring man.  I'm envious.  He recently accepted a new challenge at work, which now has him driving about an hour and fifteen minutes to work and then again home each day.  He is so generous that he tries to make a point to only be gone 10 hours each day.  That seems like a lot when I type it out, but I'm sure it could be much worse.  I would say, I am coping with this new lifestyle.  He is a extremely good at what he does.  I know its hard for him to walk out of the work door if things are not complete.  Likewise, I know its hard for him to leave me in the morning, if things are not right.  He truly is my inspiration when times get tough.  Even through the roughest storms, his faith stands strong and his smile remains genuine.  He does say that I worry enough for the both of us :)

I've been reminded that this is just a season in life.  My hair might be messy, and I'm sure when I have to start wearing jeans again they will be tight, but little by little I know that I will get a little more reign on this beautiful situation that God blessed me with.

It's the truth!

Ten Truths:

10. When I go to a public restroom, I read the sign that says "women", take a few steps then back up to double check making sure I'm entering the ladies room. This is almost a ritualistic,  OCD thing. Yet somehow,  I walked into the men's room in front of my family at Dennys last winter. Embarrassing! 

9. I'm shy. Like for real shy. I might not say hi to you at the grocery store because I'm awkward. 

8. Contrary to #9, in small groups I think I am quite hilarious. Somehow my words make sense and people laugh... 

7. Laughter is by far my favorite medicine.  Unless of course I have just had a C-section. Laughter, sneezing,  coughing = big no, no's after I had my 5 babies.

6. Before we had children, my husband always claimed he wanted 4 or 5. I would roll my eyes in doubt. Matt was smarter than I gave him credit for. 5 kids has been great! Crazy... but still great. 

5. I like to think that I cry more "love" tears than happy or sad tears. Maybe that doesn't make much sense but, when I love someone I am liable to cry at the drop of a hat. Not to mention I love a lot. So what I'm really saying is; I cry often :). My eyes turn a very beautiful blue when they are tear stained ;)

4. One of my greatest accomplishments has been overcoming my fear of public speaking.  I spoke on a panel in front of peers about children with disabilities and felt so rewarded! When asked to tell "my story" at church I reluctantly accepted and again, victory!  How freeing to have some control over something that once scared the words right out of me.

3. My 7 year old plays candy crush under my name. He is actually very strategic and quite brilliant about the way he plays.  Sorry if you receive game requests :). Perhaps I would play it more if I had more perseverance or patience ;). 

2. I worry too much. 

1. I'm passionate about many things.  Especially about My family, advocating for my kids and the Lord. I think it is one of my greatest qualities :) makes me easier to love!

God Wink!

It's mid July, yet the weather is very similar to an early fall day.  It's complete with leaves falling in my front yard--- no joke, yuck.  The mess the leaves leave behind is the only part of fall I don't enjoy, so these past couple of days have been beautiful in my opinion.  Yesterday, I brought my uncle into the hospital to have a scan done.  Prayers for him would be appreciated, hopefully all will turn out to be well.  In order for me to help someone like my uncle out, I need help with the 5 kiddos.  My not so little, little brothers are always a big help for short little bits of time like yesterday.  Nick, my 16 year old jokester of a brother is probably the most patient person in my entire family.  He is always willing to help me out, so he came over while I headed to the hospital.  It was a quick visit, and I had my uncle dropped off by 8:45 and was back at my house to pack up all the kids to bring my brother back to his house.  Since we were all packed up, I decided we could make a park visit.  It was before 9, and a bit chilly.  My kids had jackets on and the twins were in their infant seats snuggled with blankets.  We sat and watched the kids run around and play.  There were two other moms there with older boys who were playing together.  About 10 minutes into our park time, one of the moms said "Why would you keep having kids if you know they will be born with a disability".  She said it within ear shot of me, and goosebumps ran up my spine.  The hair on my arms raised and normally during a situation like this, I would pack my kids up and drive home to spend the rest of the morning/day feeling sorry for myself and my kids.  Yesterday was different, I replied.  I don't really know that I'm proud of what I said, but I'm actually content with the fact that I've come SO far.  I simply said "You know, your obnoxious".  To which the lady said "I wasn't talking about you".  I felt as though I was in the 6th grade having a childish argument.  I started to pack up, which my kids were EXTREMELY upset about.  They reminded me that we had only just gotten there and that they were not cold and they especially did not want to be done playing.  The other mom who was at the park softly said to me, "You don't have to go..." to which I replied a simple, "Would you stay?"

I mean really, would you stay?  The simple answer is no, probably not. I'm still not sure what I should have said, but I'm sure I shouldn't have told her she was obnoxious.  I can't remember the last time someone said something that was enough to make my skin crawl, regarding my kids.  Clearly, I am more insecure about their differences than I thought?

I went about my day, this time without tears.  Maybe I felt validated in the fact that I let her know what she said did not go unnoticed.  Previously, when people made me feel uncomfortable of "less than" because of my kids, I would have no comment.  I would move forward by thinking of the "what ifs" and "what could have beens".  I've grown way up from those days, even though I did have a good cry wondering why adults can't see past my kids' hearing devices.  Lack of exposure, insecurities from within, or maybe just uneducated?  I don't know what causes people to speak out in hurtful ways.

I went about my day as normal, prepared a lunch at home for my kids and fed the baby girls there favorites: squash and pears.  I had some business to take care of out of town, so my brother watched a few kids so I could run and get some things taken care of.  Kendra and Bay rode along to lighten the load on my brother.  Those two are my good shoppers, so it was a win-win.  A bonus of bringing Kendra with is that she like Chipotle.  The boys are not a fan of spicy, but Kendra is her mamas baby girl.  We sat down and shared a burrito with some chips and guac, and talked about our day.  We had a couple more stops to make, Sams club and HyVee on our list.  We were just about done when I decided to fill up my pop for the road and a lady approached me at the drink station.  She was crying and I was not sure what was wrong.  She directed me over to her barely walking little boy.  In between sniffles, she explained to me that her son Oliver was born deaf.  He had received cochlear implants 3 months ago, but she had given up on them.  She was discouraged by his lack of language and felt like they were not working.  She also told me that seeing Kendra gave her hope.  Of course, I was crying (anytime I see someone emotional, I can't hold back).  I sat back down at our table with her and her sister was there too.  Her sister was very quiet,  but you could tell their bond was strong.  Oliver was such a sweet boy, he did not have his CI's on, but his mom had them in her bag.  She told me how he didn't like them and if left unattended for any amount of time she would likely need to search for them.

Oh the memories!  I can remember those first few months, wondering if we had made the right decision.  Imagine a small toddler, crawling/running/bouncing around town or even just your house with 4-8 wedding rings??  It's like trusting your one year old with $40,000, not easy when they don't have any sense of responsibility.  It's even harder when you feel like they aren't working.  It took what felt like forever to get those first few words out of my kids' mouths.  I did my best to be honest and encouraging, because I know what she is going through is not easy.  Oliver is her first, and she doesn't know if she should have more kids.  Maybe society says that its easier to not have more kids, so you can have more attention to pay towards the needs of your one child.  However, what others think should not determine your life path.  When I told her that I have 5 kids, 4 with hearing issues and all ages 6 and under she gasped with her hand over her mouth and all.  I can only imagine what was going on in her head :).  I assured her that there are sacrifices in our family, but that all of my kids are loved through and through regardless to their needs.

What a day!  I absolutely love it when I get a God wink!!!!  I know that he was using my morning experience and the perspective I had gained from being in that situation to equip me to have a further understanding when I met Olivers mom.

On the way home yesterday, I brushed my shoulder , looked in my rear view mirror and uttered the words "I still got it" ;)

Blessed!

Dearest Mommy

Its happening.  I'm sunk.  Every peg in my battleship has been guessed and I am out.  Every one of my weak points in this strong female mind has been under attack.  I'm hurting.  I know better, and I know there has to be rain before the rainbow but that is not what I want to hear right now.  I realize that every family, every individual has SOMETHING they have to handle or deal with.  However, I don't want to hear it.  I am selfish, and I really just feel that I deserve the right to be a bit angry.  I'm reaching out in a way that isn't all that common, but its real.  Aubrees hearing is not getting any better.  If anything, it has gotten worse.  My sweet little blue eyed girl is probably about to go through a really turbulent ride for this next year or two.  We WILL get through this.  We will land on our feet.  But truth be told, my heart is hurting.

I lay awake in bed at night and I cry.  I worry about all my children, I'm a mom and that is part of the job.  I'm afraid of what the kids say, I'm saddened at the people who will reject them.  This day and age, we don't even have to have outward differences for people to pick on, judge, ignore or leave us out.  Sometimes I take a little bit of comfort knowing that I birthed my kids a little community all of their own.  Other times that same little community plagues me with pain.  I wouldn't trade any of them for anything.  Yet selfishly, in some of my weakest moments I have asked God "why were the twins given to me?"  I wanted one more child and He gave me two.  I'm such a jerk.  I can't even imagine life without both of them, yet I question God's design in choosing me to raise His children.  I think to myself, "what is wrong with me??"  But then, I remember.  These feelings are familiar. I've had all these same pains before.  I've always risen up and Lord willing, gotten stronger.  I will likely be grieving and mourning in between episodes of complete joy for my family over the next year.  Prayers are welcomed, and I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me.  However, I feel like I have earned every right as a mom of 4 out of 5 deaf or hard of hearing children, to be completely covered in a worrying moms grief.  In my small group, our most recent session was on having empathy in our marriage.  Not sympathy, where you say "I'm so sorry that your feeling this way" but instead, sticking yourself in someone elses shoes, as Jesus did and, and truly trying to understand the situation.  This little lesson on empathy really rang true to me!!  I coupled that with an amazing talk with a good friend who reminded me that it's ok to be hurt and sad about sad and hurtful situations.  The most important thing is that we don't lose sight of the fact that God LOVES us!!!  Just because bad things happen, does not mean that He loves us any less.  I have not forgotten that!!  I wish I could say I was this perfect Christian mother who has no fears because God is in control and He will see us through, therefore I have no worries.  I do believe that God is in control and He will see us through, however I am human and He is SOOOO much greater and bigger than I can grasp, so I worry!  I look at my oldest son, Noah.  He is a true champion at life.  Nothing holds that boy back.  Six years ago, I grieved this very same predicament.  Only then, I had no idea what was ahead of me.  You would think that having the experience I have would free me from the feelings I'm having.  Its just not the case.  I know the end result has just as much potential for Aubree as it has been for Noah,  Kendra and even Miles.  However, there is a struggle and it is not all handed to us on a silver platter.  I wrote this "letter" to moms that are in the thick of it, like I am right now.  I hope someone can find comfort, if not a better understanding for where my heart is.

Dearest Mommy,

I know the news is hard to handle.  Your wondering, "Why me??" and "Why my sweet little child??"  While you were pregnant you had thoughts and dreams.  You imagined what your sweet little love seed would grow to look like?  You??  Your Husband?  Even better, a perfect combination of the both of you.  You never imagined anything but perfection out of your unborn child.  I know its hard to see it right now, but your child is just the way he/she is supposed to be.  And guess what, you still have every reason to feel the way your feeling.  You might lie awake at night, as your husband snores beside you.  You might quietly sob at thoughts of your child being recognized as "different".  If your like me, you will wonder "Will they be accepted, will they find love??"  I don't know the answers to everything, but I do know that you have the power in you to love them regardless to any situation that you get presented with.  The days might seem long and you will have to make difficult decisions.  For me, surgery to implant a medical device that changed their outward appearance but gave them opportunities to communicate the same way I do was not as easy as it sounds.  Once you make decisions, you might question yourself.  Maybe you will go back and forth and question whether your doing enough?  Who can measure enough?? Don't hold yourself to that.  Try hard and be willing to adapt to your situation.  For me, hearing aids and cochlear implants were a nightmare at first.  Sorry, but its the truth.  But somehow, I got through those rougher days with each of my children.  I just kept trying and trying.  They would lose their hearing device, I would hunt for it.  They would bite their ear mold until it was no longer able to fit in their ear.  They sucked on it in the car when I was unable to reach them.  My heart would be up to my throat in fear that they would break this expensive and important equipment.  And they did.  But we repaired it and we moved forward.  It wasn't easy.  It isn't easy.  I ask them to do something, they don't respond.  I ask again, questioning if they heard me.  A sharp response back indicates they did hear me, but chose not to respond.  It will happen, trust me.  They will develop and you will be proud.  They will hit goals and you will celebrate.  They might struggle to communicate with their peers.  You might drive by slowly while they are at recess and spy on your little one.  Hoping and praying that he hasn't spent another recess on the swings by himself.  When you see him on the swings, you might well up with tears.  But that is okay!  I'ts going to be okay and you will get through this.  It's okay to be sad and its okay to worry for your little loves.  Don't feel bad for feeling.  I hid my true emotions for a long time, fearing that people would not "get" it or judge me and maybe even discredit my faith.  Feel proud for caring and trying and wanting nothing but the best for your blessing.  Just don't forget that very simple piece to this difficult and trying time in your life.  Your child is a blessing and nothing short of a miracle.  You are not alone in this difficult time, and because your not alone, neither am I.

Sincerely,
A mama with one foot still stuck in the mud



I don't know what you've been through or what you will end up going through in the future.  What I do know is that it's ok for you to feel.  Never let this world convince you that you have no right to be full of emotions.  I believe there is a bigger picture, and I find comfort in God's word.  I hope you can find peace in balancing your emotions and leaning on a higher power.

 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 “For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”

Zippity dooo Dahhhh, Zippity dayy.. My oh my, what a wonderful day!

Positive thinking helps me to be a better mom/wife/PERSON! :) Therefore, I am feeling the NEED to share some of that insight, even though recent months have somewhat been emotional ones.  Recently, I've been reminded over and over again that my identity stems far beyond motherhood.  Imagine that!?!  It's hard to imagine not being a mom, or having little ones pulling on my pant legs.  It's hard to imagine life before Aubree and Baylee, let alone before Miles or Kendra and my 6.5 year old Noah!  Oh man, I am a WIFE, an aunt, a FRIEND, a daughter, a SISTER, a listener, a SPEAKER, a writer.. and so many more things!!   They are important things, but they get muddled in and stuck behind being a momma.  It's such an important piece of who I am, and I've lately been embracing the fact that while I may not always be able to do what I want (whether it be FINALLY getting to that pesky sock bin and mating my husband some stinkin' socks!!!) I am STILL all of those things!!!  I have notes that are coming out of my ears about things that I want to document, write about or blog about.  There has been ZERO amount of time to hammer my heart out on the keypad of my computer.  But that's ok!  Right?  Maybe? 

Within reason, I think its very important to pursue your passions.  Sometimes, that might mean taking a time out from your household and spending time with a girlfriend.  I've discovered that I enjoy sharing with people.  I will share my opinion, my bag of chips, my laughter and I especially love to share my experiences.  Many times, I have found it sooo absolutely freeing and humbling to just be honest and tell people the raw stuff.  I keep in contact with quite a few moms who have children who are deaf or hard of hearing and the relationships that have been the most rewarding for me are the ones that I have just been cut throat honest with.  We talk about the good, the bad and the even worse.  Right now, I'm missing a cochlear implant :( BOOOOO!!!!!  Everyday, I have a sweet mom who just shoots me an e-mail and says "find it yet???  Or do I still need to pray???".  Same e-mail, everyday.  I have hope that this CI will be located, even though its been a fair amount of time.  It's super encouraging to have someone care and know just how important that device is.  I mean, she really
really gets it.  I'm not saying to have to have an implant or be a parent of CI recipient to "get" it... I'm
just saying, from the depths of her heart strings, she gets it. 

At the ripe age of 26, I'm discovering that I have to identify with much more in life than just being a parent.  I need to go on dates with my husband, vacations with my family and outings with my girlfriends.  I'm so much better of a mom when I am balanced.  And guess what?? I don't feel the least bit bad that I NEED/CRAVE more!!  I believe this is how God has designed me.  I am embracing it.

I struggle to stay home entirely.  I have stuffitis/Iwanteverythingitis.  I do, really.  I want anything and everything.  I'm like a young child during Christmas.  If there is a commercial, I want it.  I think its been really great for me to make a plan and learn to save and then get what I want.  It's also been very good for me to learn to tell myself "No Renae, not right now".  My 'condition' has led me to the conclusion that I want to work a little bit.  AHHHHHH...... I know what your thinking!!! Work?
Renae, you have 5, count them FIVE young (very young) CHILDREN!!!!  Its true, I do.  I am not
going to work full time, but I am going to work a couple short days when it works good for me and for my family.  Honestly, I want to get out a little bit.  I want it to count that I still manage to shower everyday.  I want to change out of my spit up on t-shirt and go out into the world :).  I'm looking forward to it!  I am so thankful to have Matt supportive and willing to watch the family for a few hours and for the help of my mom and brothers in town. While I REALLY miss working for Matt (and I will hopefully get back there someday) I do enjoy working with my sister, in town at McDonalds.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have lunch at the Olive Garden with Matt. I absolutely needed to make a trip to quickly pick up Aubrees hearing aids. It was just me, Matt and the twins. Pretty close to a date! It was last minute and I was going to go by myself quick, but Matt came with so I wouldn't run into any sticky traveling situations with the twins. Everything at Olive garden was going great. The girls were good, all happy with smiles. Everyone was admiring them and we entertained all the conversations. We finished our salad and waited. The girls' patience wore thinner and an hour passed. No entree was delivered to our table. With both girls fussing, I decided to head to the car to nurse. Our server approached our table as I was packing up and apologized as she had forgotten to put our order in... She proceeded to tell us that she just had a deaf customer that she was accommodating and was trying to get them out of there, so our order slipped her mind.  Matt and I smiled and asked if she could just put it all in to go boxes. Ugh.. What an ugly situation. The worst part in our minds is we saw this "deaf" customer. He wore bilateral hearing aids and required no special attention. His method of communication was spoken language, his date spoke at a normal tone, his speech was perfect. Maybe she was just fishing for an excuse since she forgot our order... But she picked the wrong one for the Steffens. Matt nor I said anything to her. We just smiled in the way that all of you can imagine us smiling and thanked her. The manager apologized for the delay and our meal was free, packed in the bag for us to take along with us. Matt tipped her, and I'm not regretting that. What I regret is that I wish I would have been able to give her a life tip. Don't make excuses, maybe? Or, you never know a strangers situation, be sensitive, honest, caring... Not ignorant? Unfortunately, that is what my kids face almost daily. Luckily, in our community they don't get too many stares or pointed fingers. It's small enough here where we are pretty well known. We don't know everyone by any means, but you can pretty well bet that if they don't know us, they have heard about us. Hopefully it's mostly good things that get said, but you can just tell. Not that I feel like we're celebrities, or that people need to know us. It's just that people talk. There is probably a similar feeling for a pastors family. If your husband is a pastor, people know/talk about you in association to him.

I'm not sure what I was supposed to learn from yesterday's adventure, yet. Sometimes I am a slow learner. However, I was definitely reminded that I need to work very hard to raise confident yet humble, and strong yet forgiving young boys and girls. No pressure.

I want to end on a bright note. A vErY bright note. My stubborn sleeper *cough cough* Miss Bay, slept through the night last night. I feel HUMAN!! Aubree has been a pretty great sleeper, for the most part. She was up once at 2 (Matt got her, love that man of mine!) then they both slept til 5:30-6 and Matt STILL let me sleep!!! For the first time in 4.5 months, I slept 8+ Straight hours and woke up on my own!!!!! Can you hear me singing? Cuz I am, for real! My girls are napping now, and I even got more rest this a.m. Sleep is a beautiful, beautiful thing :)

Splashes of joy

It's here and gone and then here and gone again. This morning, Aubrees thick and beautiful dark eye lashes squinted down tight as two of her siblings bickered over a blanket (my blanket). Every crash, boom and bang catches her attention. My heart melts and hopes get high, but before you know it.. It's gone again. My emotions run high, my heart aches at each up and down. I think to myself, "I'm not cut out for this". I'm immediately filled with guilt. I keep praying that one of these times when she is hearing, it's just not going to stop. That's the problem. I'm praying for hearing, when I really need to be praying for my own hearts healing.

Believe me, they are doing great. Both Bay and Bree are growing and little personalities are blossoming. They both coo and smile upon my smiles and prodding. So beautiful.

Matt, myself and all 5 kids braved a "blizzard" to bring the girls in for the genetic testing last week. We're wanting to know if the mutated connexin 26 genes is what has caused Aubrees ANSD, and we
tested Bay to know whether or not she is a carrier and also to know whether or not to keep watching her hearing. There is a chance she has it and it could lead to a progressive hearing loss. 25%. My gut says she is the odd ball Steffen and will be clear of it, but who knows! It was a quick trip. We initially cancelled, but then upon not seeing a blizzard arrive, we decided to go. I wanted Matt there with me, and Our rescheduled Friday appointment was not an option for him. They draw blood from both of the arms of the babies, and it may sound silly, but I struggle with it. It's hard for me to watch. We ALL survived :). Matt was our hero, getting us there and back safely, and being the girls' comforter as I managed the other three. I'm such a lucky girl!

Kendra turned four! That just does not seem possible. These days, she talks about her Marley (my brother and sister in laws puppy). Everyday, she tells us how much her Marley and Zustin (Dustin) love her. It's true, she is a loved little girl! She is talking soooo good. It makes my heart smile when I think about her CI surgeon and our ENT leaving our last appointment and telling all the nurses within her path with such a proud voice "I can't believe how GOOD she is talking". She is a rockstar!


There are so many things to be happy about and so many things our family has proudly accomplished. We have survived the first 12 weeks of the twins life, and I still love my husband :). Kendra is writing her name and singing ABC's, Miles is counting and figuring out how to hold a pencil to write. Noah has just about finished his addition facts and headed on to subtraction, Matt just got named "outstanding Store Manager" for this year and I'm still nursing my girls.  It's good, it all is.

It's been almost 7 years since my Dad lost his short battle with leukemia. It was so sudden, and I was so involved in his appointments that led up to his diagnosis. I brought him to the doctor and I sat in with him on his clinic appointment which ultimately led him to the hospital. I have these flashbacks and I wonder what he would have thought of his grand kids? I bet he would be so proud of Matt and his accomplishments at work and how he has been able to provide for us. I miss him.

In an attempt to not feel too sorry for myself, or the circumstances I have been challenged with, I started writing down my 'sparkles' (the little things that bring a smile to my face or just make me happy in general). I just thought I would share a few... Frozen cookie dough from friends, when Miles squeezes my cheeks to give me a kiss, tacos at my moms, shopping with my lil sister, getting my mile 'run' to 10 min - no judgement :), cards with friends, goodbye kisses from my hubby, Aubree smiles, Baylee coos, my brother Dylin taking kids sledding, the way Kendra adores her uncle Dustin, watching the way my mom effortlessly comforts my babies when they are fussy, seeing old friends, the way Noah kisses the babies the second he picks one of them up :). Isn't it funny how the smallest situations can provide so much joy? Isn't it even crazier how we can dismiss those little situations, move on and not embrace them?

I'm going to keep on recording my sparkles, then I can refer to them when I'm feeling I need a little boost. It's the little splashes of joy that delight my heart. Those teeny, tiny little magic moments that I'm able to enjoy have softened my soul. Lord, let my smile be an encouragement, my trials be my victory and my heart be open and honest for all those around me.