2020 Hope

"Go ahead and go," Matt said to me, "No sense in both of us staying here".

It was snowing outside, and daylight was closing in on us.  I was three months pregnant with our first born, prayerfully, he would be a boy.  My dad said he knew how to take better care of boys, I disagree.  

Thirteen years ago, a storm was brewing.  Matt and I were both managing at the same restaurant.  Crazy hours and holidays were the norm.  As luck would have it, we had call offs due to weather and also due to illness and other shenanigans.  Matt and I were still in the newlywed phase, despite having been together for six years, we had only been married six months.  This was to be our first "new year" as a married couple.  Sometimes, I get nostalgic about little things like that.

Dad called me three times that day.  We had just celebrated Christmas the week earlier.  We worked a lot of holidays at this point in our life, so since Christmas Day we were closed it often came down to 3-4 hours at Matt's grandparents house during the noon hour and 3-4 hours at my parents after all relatives were done eating.  The best leftovers, all my family traditions and favorites.  Taco salad.  My moms delicious dinner rolls.  Mmmm… I remember opening gifts that evening, even have pictures.  Dad was sitting on the couch with a huge comforter to keep warm.  It was nice to see him on the couch for a change.  Too many times I had come into the house, only to find him wrapped in a blanket laying on the floor next to the heat register.  He had been not quite himself, seemed to have a really bad cold/flu for the past couple weeks.

New Years Eve, 2006, about to enter 2007.

Dad was sober.  He had been for a bit.  I knew what New Years was about, oftentimes it is party holiday.  Celebrating the whole "out with the old, in with the new".  At Christmas, my mom and dad asked if we wanted to come over for the new year, play some cards and eat.  We would always have fun making a menu and trying new things.  And drinking pop.  Dad had joked about buying some church wine, which is a funny memory that all of my siblings and I still bring up to this day.

:) Trying new things, but not usually the concoctions that my dad would come up with.  He had no boundaries when it came to food.  Kind of reminds me of my husband.  The pairings that these two could think of... no words.  My sister and I recently laughed over funny memories of my dad, making us a snack for when we came home from school.  He would be so proud and happy to fix us up something, unfortunately Vienna sausages, liver and onions (oh, but put some mustard on it -- its good!) and sardines were never really our thing.  

The first time my dad called, he was just letting me know that he heard on the radio that roads might not be so good, so I should come earlier rather than later.  It was before noon.  My dad was a nervous kind of guy.  I think I understand him more today than I ever did as a child.  To live with that kind of worry and feeling of anxiousness over things that are out of your control can be debilitating.  

Dad had mom call me the next time.  Just asking me how the day was going and making sure that I was aware of what was going on outside.  I could hear him in the background and mom repeating everything I said to her, back to him.  His voice was kind of raspy.  He had some shortness of breath.  It was a cold, he thought.  I thought it was pneumonia.  Mom was trying to get him to go to the clinic, he didn't want to.  It was a sense of tension between them.  

Offering alternatives to misery is a beautiful way to love someone.  Accepting help, I would learn a week later, is a beautiful way to love someone back.

Meanwhile, in St. James, Matt and I were the only managers working.  Matt pulled (not his first) open until close shift.  With Noah, I had all day sickness and had felt pretty worn out.  Matt wouldn't let me stay with him the whole time.  He insisted that I go home and get some rest.  I went home for a couple of hours and eventually came back to work to help him close up, which ended up being an early close because the weather really did get BAD.

The final time my Dad called, I told him about what was going on at work.  He just said "That Matt.  Hard worker, huh?"  He asked me one last time, if I wanted to head to Windom and make it to midnight with him and my mom.  I declined.  

I didn't know it was going to be his last one.  Matt told me to go ahead and go, he didn't want me to be at work on my feet all day anyway.  But deep down, we both knew that there was no way I was going without my husband.

The plan changed.

I don't even remember if we made it up til midnight that night.  

Honestly, in the past how many years, I don't think that plans have gone how they were supposed to more times than they haven't.  It's like, a little reminder to me.  A poke, a prod, a hey, roll with it you tightly wound woman!  Last year, we were supposed to go to a comedy show but weather trapped us at work in Marshall.  I ended up getting to spend a couple of beautiful hours snuggling my little beloved Rattlers and ended the night watching a movie with my sister and in the comfort of a warm home and a bed that she graciously offered to Matt and I.

Life is good.  I say that with sniffles and tears.  So much to be thankful for.  Memories that were made and memories yet to come.

I didn't make one blog post in 2019. Yet, her I am on the very last day of the year.  Why!?  

I have been told that "Everyone has stuff.  Everyone is busy.  Everyone is dealing with something. Everyone...."  And, oh my word!  I totally believe that to be true.  Me, too.  I am a part of "everyone".  Right!?!?  I feel like if anyone is feeling something or going through something, I want to help them through it.  I pray like its my job.  I will love you with depth.  I will show up.  I will drop off coffee, send a random text and I will care.  This new year, I want to do that without abandon.  But I also want to be better about being that girl that does all those things, but doesn't need repayment.  I want to be the kind of friend that I have NEEDED when times were dark, but not EXPECT any of that.  Because... I do fall short.  I have missed the boat.  I did not show up when I could have that New Years Eve with my Dad.  But I don't think my dad would ever hold that against me.  I am my own worst critic.  My biggest obstacle.  My harshest companion.

2020.  No true New Year resolution, just a hope.  The hope that even if people don't reach out, I will know my worth.  Even if my feelings are not validated, I will know my true value.  Despite rejection, I will look in the mirror and know that I am strong enough to make it to tomorrow.  That I can share what worries me, what my fears are, the days that it's hard to get up out of bed and know that It's all going to be okay.  Even when I need something, but can't quite put it into words, I will know that the pain is temporary and I am loved, wanted, cherished, needed and appreciated.  And I will know all those things without anyone breathing the words.  I can expect progress and not perfection.  Hope.  

Hope is a fresh realization that there is promise bigger than anything I can offer.  There is peace, love and light at the end of the tunnel.  Today is just a memory that I am making along the way.  And it's not just a memory for me, its a memory for my loved ones -- family and friends.  My 2020 true hope, is to have more memories of laughter and appreciation than memories of disappointment and sadness.  

Because I am worth it.  

And so are you.

You never truly know which memories or words will be your last, make them all count!