2012 is quickly running out, I swear time really flies when you turn into a big kid!! This year has been very rewarding for numerous reasons, and this blog was an excellent opportunity for me to see where I started the year, and reflect now on how I am finising it :)
Last Sunday, I had the great fortune of being able to share "my story" with our church. Pastor called us on the Wednesday before the service he was hoping to have one of us (Matt or I) share something encouraging with the congregation. Matt joked, with the later notice that he must have been scraping the bottom of the barrel when he thought to ask us ;) I laughed with him, but nervously knew that I was the on who should share some insight the following Sunday. I can definitely say that I felt very successful after leaving the stage. I knew that I had captured a few good laughs from my audience and most of all, I knew that in its rugged honesty, I had shared my heart. I shared about the kids and their hearing loss, and how that has made me who I am today. I mentioned the guilt I felt over the fact that they each had a "genetic" hearing loss. Genetic, meaning that they inherited it FROM ME! I told the story about Noahs 6 month well baby checkup, where Noah was wearing his hearing aids. I can remember having anxiety over this appointment, as I knew the doctor would wonder "why is this little guy wearing hearing aids!?" I got some of the best advice that day, and I didn't even know it at the time. My doctor told me that "genetic" was not meant to be a term that placed blame on us as parents. He assured me that this was NOT my fault. Foolishly, I did not take that talk to heart until way later in life. Sharing this story was truly a God thing. I had not written about it in my notes that I had planned to share. To be honest, I started chatting and my notes were no longer of any help past the first minute. After the church service was over, a very sweet lady approached me and we shared some tears. She told me about how she had passed along a gene that gave her daughter some body deformities, and she had only been told one other time that it wasn't her fault -- and that was by her daughter several years ago. She thanked me and as I reached down to hug her she told me how good it was to har that it wasn't her fault, again. I was truly, truly grateful to have been given the opportunity to speak with her.
So there have been many challenges through the years. Five years ago, we had one small child and were talking about this big intense surgery - getting a cochlear implant. That was one of the hardest journeys I have made. Our insurance did not want to give us a pre-authorization for the surgery. I was being told by our audiologist that his hearing was not sufficient for learning speech, and our insurance was telling me that this procedure was not covered. I had to do a lot of research and digging. At one point I can remember the insurance agent I spoke with telling me that "If your child is otherwise healthy, does he really need this cochlear implant? Shouldn't you just be thankful for his other senses?" I cried, and cried and cried some more. It was hard enough for me to make the decision to implant vs. raise Noah as a deaf child. I was torn with emotion between whether or not the surgery and medical intervention would be worth it the way it was. There is nothing wrong with being deaf, and sign language is like an art to me, its beautiful. When it came down to it, the biggest reason Matt and I decided to go with a cochlear implant was convenience for relationships. We wanted everyone to get a chance to KNOW our sweet Noah. We did not want language to be a barrier for him. It has been a lot of work, and I would not say that we took the easy road, I don't even know if there is an easy road. I will say, God is soooo good!! It brings great peace just to know that this is what God intended for us. Hearing therapy, audiology appointments, early home intervention programs, insurance disputes, testifying at the senate (yea, I was on C-Span!) -- all of it, worth it to my core. The reason I say that is simply because I would not be the compassionate woman I am today, without my trials.
I mentioned earlier, that I managed to wrangle a few laughs out of my talk a church. I joked about the undeniably, over-abundant JOY that beams right from the very face of my husband. Its true, he is a happy man!! I love that about him, most of the time. :) Sometimes, I am just down and out. You know, lack of sleep, no nap from kiddos = no mommy break during the day, defeated by a non-potty trained ~even though she very well could be 2 1/2 year old, dryer running and then re-running to make sure the clothes aren't overly wrinkled, dirty dishes in the sink and 1 lb of hamburger sitting out with NO IDEA what to make with it!!!!! AHHHH... c'mon moms, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Well, I firmly believe that my husband was sent to me not only to keep me sane, but also to lead me. He has the most amazing outlook on every situation. He is positive, reassuring, optimistic and most of all he trusts God. Believe me when I say that I love Jesus and am so completely in awe of the love of God and the act of sending his baby boy to die for MY sins.. but there is just something about the way my husband is able to rest easy and know that it is in HIS control, that I long for. In the same sense, I'm extremely grateful to be married to a man with that kind of joy. In reality, he has been through the same bit I have. We have been best friends for 12 years, married for 6 (he would say 6 1/4 ;)) and we have lived a lot of our life with eachother in it. Yet with having the same experiences, he is just sooooo happy!!! Okay, so I didn't want to paint a picture that says I'm not happy, because I am... just maybe not as happy as my hubby would be at 5 am :)
If there is one thing that rings true for my life in 2012, its really the relationships I have built. I am extremely grateful for friend support. My MUMS group has been the BIGGEST blessing for me, and that was actually one of the first places I was given an opportunity to speak about my kids and their uniqueness. I have some long lasting friendships, that stem way back from the 6th grade!!! I know I'm young, but 6th grade means 13+ years for me, over half of my life!! :). When Noah was born, some friendships did not make it.. and I'm still sad about them today. I'm not sure if my life just took a turn that some didn't like, if growing meant too much changing, if having a deaf child at the age of 20 was too much for some to handle? I might question that for years to come. However, I have been soooo blessed with friendships this past couple of years. Ladies, you have listened to me, given me support -- maybe when you didn't even know you were, opened your hearts to me and my family and truly LOVED me. You have read my thoughts and given me praise that has filled my emotional tank and turned on the waterworks. I am forever thankful that God has planted such amazing women in my life!!!! What a blessing for me, to have so many ladies that will pray with me when I need it, answer the phone when I call, randomly send me extremely uplifting texts, cry-- with emotion right along with me when I'm pouring my heart out. Thank you friends, thank you!!!
Wait, wait, wait!! Did I mention we found a home??? Praise God, were moving in the beginning of January. Did I tell you were going on a cruise??? Also in the beginning of January!! Thank you Lord for this amazingly chaotic time!!!! Can't wait!!!
