I had a rough day yesterday. I was just feeling all sorts of low and it felt like one blow came followed by another. Today it looks more like spilled milk, but yesterday, it was hard. I have these days where I just feel.. helpless. There is so much in this world that I can't control, so I need to figure out how to scoot on. I know that everyone has rough days, and I'm aware that there is this whole "chin up, buttercup" mentality that I should try to embrace. But you see, that just doesn't work for me. I'm a thinker. So yesterday, I decided I needed to figure out how to put my thoughts into action.
Before bed last night, Kendra grabbed my cheeks and said "Mom, when I get older, look like you, can I not have to wear my cochlears?"
------ugh... please, no. Not this talk tonight, I thought. Matt and I have talked to her about this, more than once before. Noah groaned from his top bunk "ughhhhh KK, the answer is no. N-O. NO!! Your going to need to wear your cochlears if you want to hear and that is just the way it is going to be!"
------ugh... why such hostility? My heart sunk, my daughter was pouting (to be fair, she was probably extra tired since it was bedtime, her brother had just challenged her question and by nature, she really just is a pouter-- so the tears may not have even been about her abilities to hear or not hear)
"Mom, there is this boy at school who calls me stupid face. Does he say that because of my ears?" she cried. I laid next to her in her bed and hugged her tight. I tried to muffle my tears and said "No, KK, sometimes boys just call people weird names." So the conversation was sparked.
All day, I had felt inadequate. With upcoming IEP meetings for Aubree and Miles, the first day of school mom jitters that I have yet to overcome and just life in general-- I've just been a bit wrecked. I wonder, think, ponder and just plain out WORRY way more than I should. I know this! Kendra and Noah have had some issues with their processors and I'm sick with fear that they are going to be at school sitting in a corner, not hearing the world around them. I'm not sure that Aubree is catching up, her progress has felt halted lately. Will Miles be ready for kindergarten next year?? Am I doing enough???? There has been one home project after another, my husband has been in constant "work mode" whether at home or at work or travelling from one place to the next. I haven't contributed much to the money pot at home, I haven't reached out to the teachers to see how the kids are doing at school, and I'm just not sure that I-I-I, am enough.
So I'm upstairs, laying in a bed with my five year old. My 8 year old (Noah) leans over from his top bunk and says "Mom, how come some kids are so mean to the other kids?" I paused, felt my heart tugging so much so that my throat felt tight. I was fighting back more tears. He says again "Mom, why can't people just be nice to everyone?"
That is a really good question! I didn't know what to tell him, so I just explained to him how important it is to be an example of love to everyone. I asked him if he knew what it meant to respect people. He sighed and said "yes.. respect others, respect yourself, respect property" I said, "alright, yes. You need to do that, but what does that actually mean?" He was silent for a little bit so I chimed in and said "No matter how people treat us, we need to make sure that we always treat people great. What matters the most is that we can feel good and know that we are always trying to make people feel like they are good enough, no matter what they look like, sound like or act like". Kendra looks at me and says "Ok Mommy. I think you look like you are smart and I will be nice to everybody all the days".
Respect. So I think it's fair to say that I spend most of my days trying to facilitate a home environment that promotes respect, kindness, love for another, appreciation and then forgiveness because we tend to fall short more often than I'd care to admit. Soo.... here is where I get all out of touch. It seems our American culture has drifted a different direction. Here I am, over here trying to equip my offspring to be successful, happy, gently, fair, loving and respectful human beings. I want them to be a positive contribution to this world. But then, I keep hearing about all these incidents and situations that trouble me to my deepest core. Since when is it OK to be disrespectful to an officer? To be disrespectful to a school teacher? To be disrespectful to your mother or your father, your sister or your brother?
We hear about it in the news, stories flash up on my Facebook newsfeed and there are stories told on the radio. White cops and black kids, hunters shooting the wrong animals, president Obama went to this guys funeral but not that guys. Lady refuses to cooperate and resists arrest, ends up forcefully jailed. The list goes on, I can hardly stand to keep up. Someone, somewhere ends up saying something offensive. What is our instinctive response? Retaliate. Hurt them more than they hurt me?
So what I'm thinking is, well maybe I'm a genius. I think this past 8 years of parenting, I've been doing it all wrong. Maybe it's not enough to encourage my kids to be kind, caring or considerate. It's not enough for them to be responsible, respectful, loving, appreciative and forgiving individuals. While all of those things are great characteristics to posess-- It's probably really far fetched to expect perfection from my tiny humans.
However, it's not far fetched, in my opinion, to encourage my kids to know that people will not always see life their way. One mans blue might be another mans purple. Respect to me, is an easy one. We should always respect one another, regardless to opinions, gender, race, color, sexual orientation. Sure, they say in a work place, respect needs to be maintained by a certain level of performance. But it is apparent to me, that this world is full of discrimination and hate lurking in every corner. Bleh, it's nasty. People are out there hating on cops. Maybe there are a few bad ones out there. Guess what??? There are a few bad moms out there too, but I hope that doesn't mean that people think I'm bad at what I do.
I've discovered, I need to train my children not to be followers, but open minded and forgiving individuals. I need to spend more time explaining just how very important it is to respect the opinions of others, but be strong enough to choose RESPECT. Respect, it's an action, a verb. It's a way of life. Hey, you don't have to AGREE with everything I say, but please, PLEASE. Please, choose to respect me. Agree to disagree when you must, and if your willing to put yourself out there, expressing your opinion-- be ready for someone out there to not agree.
At my home, it starts with how I behave. Training my kids to respect others and reminding them that not everyone is going to behave in that kind of a way, but we have to choose respect-- because that is who WE are.
So... yes! I will probably have the "why do I have different ears??" conversation, again and again with my kid. Each time, it will probably break my heart. But moving forward, I'm going to spend a little extra time modeling how important it is to know your own self worth. I really need to work on this, personally. I'm going to try super duper extra hard to encourage my kids to be kind and respect others and to make good choices when it comes to how they treat others, even when we know that the same generosity will not be extended back to us.
Titus 3:4-7 (NIV)
4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 Whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
