Happy spring, everyone. It's a beautiful time, here in Minnesota. A time when everyone is happy to be able to open windows, send the kids outside to play and appreciate the sunshine that lasts past suppertime. Spring in Minnesota is a time of new beginnings, and as we watch the snow disappear while hearing hopeful chirps from birds begin, we anticipate and appreciate the new season and the promise of warmer weather. A climate that is much more tolerable than snowy days, freezing rain and coats zipped up to our nostrils. We know in Minnesota that winter is always coming (now that was a cynical thought for the 2nd day of Spring), but so is Spring, Summer and Fall.
Very few things last forever, whether they be feelings, hard times or even relationships. Statistically, relationships are doomed before they even begin. I've read that divorce rates for first time marriages are as high as 50%. Grab three of your best friends, two of you are going to experience a divorce. Second and third marriages boast an even higher rate. Early on in our marriage, a statistic was shared with Matt and I about marriages that have children with disabilities. The information was shared with us about 10 years ago, suggested that families that have one child with a disability average 70-80% chance of divorce. Eek.
At the time, Matt and I were pretty much newlyweds. No way, Jose. At least that is what we thought. At the time, we felt like the "crisis" of having a deaf baby when we were 20 and 21 years old brought us closer to each other. We gasped at the information shared with us, but it really wasn't internalized. That sort of thing happened to "other people" and it certainly wasn't going to happen to us.
About 2.5 years after we welcomed our little Noah into the world, we added a precious little girl and named her Kendra. When Noah was 4 months old, we'd received news from our ENT that the cause of Noah's deafness was genetic and the odds of us having another child who was deaf was 25%. She literally said "so basically, if you have 4 more kids, one of them will likely be deaf". Ohh... the odds, how they can be so funny!!
Needless to say, Kendra was born deaf as well. In fact, today we know that we DID indeed have four more kids. Contrary to what our ENT said, only one of those four was born hearing.
Back up, just one moment. I don't know how we continued to walk in life and think "that sort of thing happens to other people". Seriously, having a deaf child? Never on my radar. Have I mentioned before that I used to squawk at my mother and I would laugh, wrinkle my nose and raise my eyebrows and proclaim that "I would NEVER have five kids" -- because that is just crazy. Too many kids for me to handle. Ha, I still catch flack from her on that one. (I'm #2 of five kids.. if you didn't know that). Do you think having twins was ever on my radar?? Pshhh..... No. It sure wasn't. I still baffle in disbelief sometimes at that one.
It was about six years ago, when I started to realize that Matt and I were not in a good place. We were married roommates. I was mothering a newborn, a one year old and a little boy who wasn't quite 4. We had made some changes in our living arrangements, moved closer to my mom so I could have some more support during his long days at work. We were drowning. We were newer to a church and balancing the many obstacles of life. I had become "Renae Steffen: mom warrior for three deaf/hard of hearing kids". We both were doing a lot of growing in that time, I mean really, I was 23 years old. Matt was merely 24. We were young, were still young! A good friend once said "you two are the youngest old couple I know". I mean, seriously, true statement.
Matt and I were not in a good place and we both new it. I said horrible things to him. Things that still can make my heart swell and tears drop. Everything he did just irritated me. It was never the way I would do things, so of course it was wrong. I was so self righteous and it was so unfair. I irritated him, too. He, of course, being a non confrontational male, masked his opinions much better than I. Sometimes I think I would just pick a fight with him to see if I could get an emotion out of him. I would get so emotional, cry and pick.. meanwhile he would just glaze over and shut down. We did this for about a year. It was mostly a lot of silent treatment and derogatory side comments. I was the biggest offender.
There are times when people will say things to me like "you two are inspiring as a couple" or "you guys are so perfect for each other". Still today, sometimes I feel like a fake. A phony. We have definitely had our rough times, but somehow, some way... God led us through it.
Thankfully, we were brought to a loving church that had a great sense of community. We made friends of all different ages and stages. We were and had been heavily involved in small groups (yes, even while I was Renae, the fire breathing dragon), Speaking of her (that mythological Renae dragon). She scared me and came out the other day!!!! :( :( Baylee and Aubree gave each other a hair cut on Friday night :'(. After attacking everyone in sight, I cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next day, I pretty much felt hung over. It was that bad...
Through the church sermons and small groups and finally me, just seeking God to fix this sin in my life, I made little progress. My lack of obedience to Him and the church was evident in how I treated my husband. It had gone on for so long, I didn't like who I was, what I had become. I was praying and crying a lot. I had serious thoughts that my husband did not deserve this. He was too good. He was still too good to me, and I didn't deserve him. In my biggest fits of fury, I would actually tell him that I think we should separate. I didn't ever really mean it, but I thought if I gave him a window to jump out of and he did it, then I would be being a better person for giving him that "out". But he never jumped. Praise God, he never jumped.
Matt and I had just gone through a small group on love and respect. Something we were blatantly destined to experience together. Some of those couples were planning a cruise that was nearly a year away. Reluctantly, we took in the information and tried to decide how to move forward. Matt really wanted us to go, that sweet man never lost hope in us. I, on the other hand, needed more convincing. A couple months went by and we had a discussion about it. We decided that we needed to see if we even liked each other anymore.
In January 2013, we went on a God sent vacation that saved our marriage.
My heart started to change well before we left for vacation. However, have you ever seen that meme that says "when you know your being a brat, but your in too deep... so you just keep on being a brat"???? Oh. My. That was me. But vacation was really a turnaround.
Matt and I enjoyed each other. We talked like we hadn't talked in a very long time. We took care of each other, and I realized that he never had stopped taking care of me. God was changing my heart and I was finally letting him.
Matt and I promised each other, that we would continue to make time for each other. At first, we thought... well, lets try to date 2 times a month. And for sure, a vacation just the two of us was necessary once a year. Ha! Ohh... but life. Those monthly dates turned into one time a month-- WHEN we were lucky. The yearly vacation was four years in the making! After having the twins, dates were hard to come by.
What wasn't hard to come by, however, was shoulder to shoulder time. Sometimes, we just like to sit on the couch next to each other. A lot of times, that is enough. I can't wait for Matt to come home at the end of a long work day. I'm appreciative of all the little things that he does and I recognize all the big things he does for our family. God changed my heart.
God changed my heart and he saved my marriage.
