Things Change

I dug out a box of pictures and rummaged through.  Before I even noticed, I'd buried my head deep in fond memory for 2 hours!!!  I found pictures of my parents, painting houses.  I thought back to a visit about 8 years ago to what I would call my "hometown".  Small town North Dakota :) My first memory in life is in a that small town.  My first meaningful friendship was started there.  I visited my old neighbors for several hours.  They were an elderly couple and they absolutely adored me, no doubt in my mind.  They told me stories about how my dad basically painted every house in the town of Hatton.  They went on to talk about all of the roofing jobs he did and how him and my mom did great work together.  Throughout the whole visit I don't think they stopped smiling.  I left feeling proud that I had taken the time to talk with them, and happy to hear what they had to say.  I never spoke to them again.  Isn't that a crazy thought?  Why would I have such a pleasant experience only to never make that effort again?

People come and go in our lives.  We don't always know when it's going to happen, and sometimes its a long time coming.  I kept looking through photos, and found some from my high school days.  Many of the people in the pictures have moved states away, some are just a few hours travel time from where we graduated.  Regardless to where they are, my relationship with so many of them is just memories of our earlier years.  I can gladly say that I'm fortunate to still have an amazing bond with several people.  The type of bond where I know if I want to reach out and vent or speak from my heart and say what I REALLY mean, they will receive it and be there for me.  I have friendships where I can go out for an evening and pick right up.  I can laugh, cry, smile, be honest and just enjoy the company of someone who truly cares about me!!  I'm blessed in that department.

Somewhere along the way, we all change.  Our location, our likes, dreams.  Sometimes our morals, beliefs, wishes and careers will change.  I was tested this past week, several times.  The same message kept popping up "People change".  I've changed!

I had this friend in high school.  She was a firecracker personality with brains, confidence and the type of personality that you just knew whatever she wanted, she was going to make it happen.  I always admired that about her, even though sometimes her confidence might have struck a nerve with me.  I was tested this week by an opinion she posted regarding cochlear implants.  I was pained by the negative feelings she had by them and basically how she didn't see the value in them.  Of course, I had a conversation with her on it -- which ended with her mind standing firm that they were useless and my heart feeling deflated.  I kept thinking I was talking to my friend from high school.  I forgot that 10 years has passed.  Life experience, training, daily interactions and just life in general has changed her.  Its changed me too.  I maybe was not the nicest person to all different types of people.  I might have been a jerk.  Now, I think about how kids treat one another, how my kids are different and I cringe.  People change.  I've changed.

I was looking through my wedding album.  :) Beautiful memories from that day (and even the days leading up to it, though I was a complete basket case -- with witnesses).  Unfortunately, I've even had some fall out with people in my wedding.  I miss them.  Terribly.  Some where along the way, some things fell out of place and now I'm missing out on some friendships.  However, there are memories deeply embedded in my soul that I can't mistake.  Without question, I've prayed for reconciliation and while I'm guilty of not knowing how to take the right steps to start again, every once in a while I reach out and hope for the best.

I got to thinking, what if?  You know, all the what if's in the world will really play mind games and send me into a harmful spiral of late night crazy thoughts and mid-day zoning out.  But.... I still do it!  What if I move?  My husband works 70 painstaking miles away from home.  It's not that outlandish of a thought.  Would my friends still take time to reach out to me?  Would the relationships that I've worked hard on dwindle out?  Likely, yes.

Lastly, I just wanted to say something to a very special friend in my life.  She knows who she is, and is probably welling up as she reads this.  It's not easy for me to step out of my comfort zone and approach people.  I'm not gifted in the way that you are.  But once upon a time, you reached out to me.  Invited me to a mom's group, text me, called and made a point to wave/say hi/reach out in every interaction we had.  We became close, trusting one another with our thoughts and feelings.  Now your moving away, to a place that is unfamiliar and starting over brand new.  Ive cried quite a few tears thinking about not having your friendly presence in my backyard, but I just want you to know that you are one of those special people that people like me don't forget.  When I reach out to you (which you know is HARD for me to do) you always respond.  You never leave me hanging.  When I'm having a bad day, I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that you will respond caringly.  I trust that your going to be the kind of friend that I can always catch up with, no matter how much time has passed.  You can know with certainty, I will be praying for you, your relationships (even though I'm jealous that this new town is going to be getting you and were missing out over here), your family and especially that your relationship with Jesus will be strengthened during this incredibly difficult time of change.  People change, things change.  I've changed too.

Life has many seasons

School is back in session!  Noah has loved his second grade teacher so far and there has even been an encouraging note sent home :) :).  I practiced spelling words with Noah the last couple nights and his handwriting has improved leaps and bounds!!!!!  We worked on it very minimally over the summer so seeing such a drastic improvement left me feeling like air high fiving God.  Yes, yes, yes!!! He is good!

Kendra is in a p.m. preschool program and being the pesky mama I am, I had to make a phone call to hear how she was doing.  "She's been a delight" ---- yea, my Kendra they were talking about ;).  She is 4, going on 14 with all her eye rolls accompanied with a "Really??".  Or stomping off from her brothers because argghhhh "why are you boys so CrAzY!!"  Or the most recent test she has thrown at me when I say-- "I'm not ready for you to cross the street to check the mail by yourself yet" and she replies "I think you should be ready for me to cross the street by myself".  I was awestruck, and just answered her with a simple yet pouty WELL I'M NOT! She snickers and as she walks away with confidence says "Oh mom, one day you will understand".  Now wait a minute, is she already using my material on ME!?!?!?  Don't get me wrong, I love that little sass pants.  She is just a wise beyond her years type of gal that really knows how to get her mom going.

Miles is in the morning preschool program.  He is warming up.  He is such a people pleaser, and will often answer all questions with a smile and a cheerful "yea...".   Hey Miles, do you want to go outside?? ----  "yea...." :).  Miles, do you like to play with ponies?? ---- "yea...." :).  Oh Miles, your such a goofy boy! ---- "mm hmm, yea...!".  Ok Miles is there anything you don't agree with? ---- "yea!"  Oh boy, he is going to have to do better than that at school!!  In all honesty, Miles has improved soooo much with his listening and his language.  I'm so impressed with his ability to cope in environments hes not comfortable with (even if it just means being agreeable) but I'm even more impressed with his communication abilities.  Luckily, he has started to warm up at school and I'm looking forward to hearing even more about it!

Aubree had a date with the audiologist yesterday, and the results were encouraging and also confusing at the same time.  Between her and Baylee, one of them broke her right hearing aid to the point where it needed sending in.  However, we were still able to test the left ear.  The test showed that she responded at 20-25 dB, which was an improvement over the last test.  We will go back in another few weeks and test the right as well as monitor to see if there is any consistency with her left ear.  The confusing part is the ANSD snake.  That slippery little sucker is hard to interpret.  With ANSD, Aubree might be alerted to sounds but not actually able to make sense of them.  It might be coming in as static.  Really, only time will tell.  If she starts to mimic us or attempt to make consonant vowel sounds and baby babble more, we might be able to be more excited about how her hearing is developing.  Its still a guessing game.

Baylee, sweet Baylee.  Just about flew off my radar because she doesn't have an ear update!  She talks a bunch --- dada, yum-yum, hi, no.  My sweet girls are 10 months old already!!!  Bay has not been sleeping great, blasted teeth have really left her in tizzie.  Her hair has grown sooo much, she passed up Aubs!!  She can have pigtails already :).  I'm still figuring this girl out.  She just hasn't been happy this past 6 weeks and I'm hoping that with her most recent 3 teeth breaking through, I will find a happy little Steffen girl underneath that grizzly bear that I've come to love and call Bay beans :)

So how is Renae doing?  Well, I am so glad you asked!!!! ;)
I am struggling with a few things right now.  I am overjoyed with some other things.  I am coping with a few more.  That about sums it up!

ok, ok, ok. I will indulge a little.  Kendra has a CI that went missing in February and was finally located July 31!! That is a LONG time to have such a special and expensive piece of equipment missing.  I don't want to be ungrateful, but I searched HIGH and I searched LOW and then the CI was in one of those places just barely above eyesight, where an adult probably placed it to be safely found later.  It was in a room that I scoured, emptied drawers once-twice-three times!  My husband and little brother cleaned out duct work in that room.  In God's time, it was located. Phew!

I am struggling with managing daily life a little bit?  I've been sick this past week, while on vacation (yuck).  Other than being sick, five kids is just really tricky.  Five kids ages 7 and under.  Four of my five have hearing problems.  Keeping their equipment in working order, on their ears, out of their mouths.  Keeping them all in clean clothes, keeping them fed.  Making sure they don't choke on the plastic wrapper which once held 6 delicious round peanut butter cracker sandwiches.  Daily life stuff.  Diapers, rocking babies who have teeth coming in, rocking 4 year olds who have an ear ache.  Playing ponies with my 3 year old, making sure my babies nap appropriately in the afternoon so they don't nap in the evening and then forget that mom needs sleep at night in order to function in the morning and do it all over again.  At the end of the day, there is just nothing left of me.  I've kissed so many boo-boo's and refereed so many matches that my energy is absolutely gone.

My husband is an amazing man.  He is a hard working, generous, kind spirited, Jesus loving, grace giving, spirit filled, gentle, caring man.  I'm envious.  He recently accepted a new challenge at work, which now has him driving about an hour and fifteen minutes to work and then again home each day.  He is so generous that he tries to make a point to only be gone 10 hours each day.  That seems like a lot when I type it out, but I'm sure it could be much worse.  I would say, I am coping with this new lifestyle.  He is a extremely good at what he does.  I know its hard for him to walk out of the work door if things are not complete.  Likewise, I know its hard for him to leave me in the morning, if things are not right.  He truly is my inspiration when times get tough.  Even through the roughest storms, his faith stands strong and his smile remains genuine.  He does say that I worry enough for the both of us :)

I've been reminded that this is just a season in life.  My hair might be messy, and I'm sure when I have to start wearing jeans again they will be tight, but little by little I know that I will get a little more reign on this beautiful situation that God blessed me with.