There is something similar to a movie going on in my head.. flashbacks from different events combining together to show me a BIGGER picture. Over labor day weekend we attended the lifelight festival near Sioux Falls, for the very first time. Amazing. Worth every second. Valuable message. I see a new family tradition ahead of us. Unfortunately, I have been suffering from terrible migraines lately :(. I was recently at the doctor, and nothing obvious is wrong with me which is somewhat annoying because I just want to FIX THIS PROBLEM!!! On the other hand, I'm extremely grateful that there isn't anything too immediate or obvious that is causing me this discomfort. Even with a headache that literally felt out of body, and I questioned several time "is this really how bad I feel, it can't get any worse, right??"... we were still fortunate to hear a really great message at lifelight! The lead singer from 10th Avenue North spoke such amazing words of wisdom to me. He talked about confessing our sins to a close few, as sort of an accountability to get over those sins. I was reminded of the 2011 leadership summit where I think it was the Mayor of New Jersey Corey Booker.. or maybe not -- eh, details :) But anyway, he said something to the effect of how we tend to compare ourselves to someone elses 'highlight reel'. SO TRUE!! I am continually thinking of all my amazing friends who have it all together, house spick-n-span, not a hair out of place with children that have clean faces (doesn't take much to make me feel one upped haha). I think oh man, if I could just go to the park as often as Sarah, be as organized as Vickie, write as well as Laura, be as witty as Carolyn, smile as much as Angela, do as many rec. activities with my kids as Desiree, deliver as many heart-felt compliments as Amy, be as patient with my kiddos as Ally, sew as good as Rose, be as intentional as Tiffany, speak with a kind heart like Karen, listen as well as Candice, be as encouraging as Katie or Honor my husband like Jessica......... then maybe I would be fulfilled and content. WRONG, wrong.. wrong! I'm totally setting my sights on the wrong ideas and trying to achieve aspects that I admire in other people. Not to mention, I pair individuals 'strong' points and wish I could be more like them. Meanwhile, I don't really have a relationship with that many people where I hold them accountable, or they hold me accountable to each of our sins. I'm a sinner, everyday I fall short.. Lifelight helped me to get a grip on reality. Reality isn't trying to be more like my friends. The only thing that can bring me content and fulfillment is if I strive to be more like JESUS! Even so, I'm not going to be perfect.. but its important for me to remember that no one is!!! Besides, Romans 5 vs. 6-8 says : "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were sinners, Christ died for us." So even though I fall short and sometimes feel like a failure, I'm sooo encouraged and uplifted and THANKFUL for such an awesome and gracious God!!!
Whew.. glad to get that off my chest!!
I've mentioned it before, but I am a true believer in "Murphys Law"... what can go wrong, WILL go wrong!! Odds have never really seemed to be in my favor (for instance, 25% odds for hearing loss, for the Steffens actually = 100%). This overwhelming feeling often leads me to saying negative things like, of course that would happen to me.. why not?? I tend to dwell on those tiny, teensy, eensie weensie little negativities -- mostly in my head. I don't wear it on my sleeve that often when I'm harboring negative thoughts. Last week, after going on a rant about why things can't just be easy for me... I was enlightened by the divine intervention of the dropping off of the book "Unglued" by Lysa Terkuerst. Wowza, felt like I was struck by lightening. In her book, what first struck me was when she was talking about how she would just get done praying for patience with her children, then 10 minutes later she would be snapping at them. *raising my hand* guilty!! Upon just the opening 20 pages of that book.. I decided it was time to show myself that things do happen that melt my heart. Things DO happen that fill my cup with joy!!! Things absolutely DO HAPPEN, that bring me simple happiness. And the thing I found out over the course of this week was-- things are happening all the time, Im just not enjoying each and every little sparkle of life! I started secretly writing on little scraps of paper, then got more sophisticated and wrote my little notes on post-its. Eventually, I figured out that technology trumps paper (and really, I am a pen and paper gal) and I started to text myself the little "sparkles". We'll call them sparkles, for namesake. I came up with quite a list, but these were just the 'little' things that brought me a smile and what was best about these things is, after taking a moment to write them down and then later reflect on them.. I felt amazing. I felt energized and some of the notes even gave me tingly butterfly feelings in my tummy just re-thinking about how BLESSED I truly am :). I've decided to share my list.. no sense in keeping this a secret now that I've shared this much :). No judgement on the 'little' things that make me happy, taking baby steps here :)
Little brother Dylin reading Noah a book, Ashley tickling Miles til he is about to burst, Kendra spontaneously blowing me kisses and saying wuv u mama, Matt explaining tome why the word that sums me up is 'package' since I'm his total package hahahah, opening my husbands bible and not being able to flip too far without seeing meaningful highlighted passages and getting a glimpse inside his heart, baking my husband cupcakes for his bday with the babies. My sister wanting to spend her day off work with me, a simple request of chicken empanadas for supper (because my cooking is-- as she said it, delicious), Dancing with my 3 hard of hearing kids and watching my husband dance with my daughter.. precious. Confiding in a friend and being 100% confident that my thoughts/feelings/future endeavors are safe with her. Being told by complete strangers that I have adorable dimples (if that doesn't make me want to keep smiling.. dont know what would!!!), reading a daily devotional with my husband about lasting marriages with much scripture reference - by couples that have been married 50+ years!! Reading "Heaven is for Real" and having my socks knocked off. Watching my mom dance with Kendra to worship music at Lifelight. Going into Hallmark without any kids to use a gift certificate I recieved for my birthday and finding that they have fuzzy slippers in again... Overhearing Noah and Kendra bundled together with hands folded in prayer, because they are playing house and "you can't eat supper without thanking Jesus"--says Noah. Miles' pucker up fish lips as he leans in for kiss, after kiss, after kiss. Matt popping into Target to get diapers and him buying me ROLOS just cuz.
It would seem from my list, it doesn't take much to make me happy! I think this little excercise will help me to realize that there will always be *little* things that annoy me or drive me nuts.. but for every *little thing* that drives me bonkers, there will be TWO *little* things that melt my heart. I just need to keep focused on the fact that there truly is a balance here!!
