Wowza, it is Dec. 1 and 2017 is just 31 days short of coming to an end. I genuinely cannot believe how gorgeous it is outside right now. The sun is shining, the temperature is bearable. Christmas is just around the corner and a chance at a fresh start to a new year is within finger grasp. Gods design is indeed a good one :)
Frankly, I am not sure if I want to embrace a new 2018 or if I want to run and hide. This year was filled with a complete mash up of different experiences, both good and bad, and I have this horrible condition where I am always standing "at guard", preparing myself for the good, bad and the ugly... mostly expecting the ugly. Some might think that is not a way to live life, I would say that it's the only way I can get by. My boss often will say "Under promise and over perform". I say "Plan for the worst and pray for the best".
Currently, we are trying to keep Kendra's right ear drum as dry as possible. I've talked about it before, but she has a hole in her right ear. The hole is caused from a set of tubes that may have fallen out prematurely (commonly happens, but usually doesn't cause issue) and for some reason it is not growing back together (which is what usually would happen). We have given it about 7 years, in hopes (and many prayers) that the situation would resolve itself (no such luck). What this has meant for Kendra is = ear pain, ear infection, smelly drainage from her ear. Our ENT finally said, "It's time we take some corrective action". Our main mission has been to keep Kendra healthy and her ears dry for the past 2 months. At the end of January we need to bring Kendra in to have our ENT check out her ear and make sure that the antibiotics and ear drops have cleared up any liquid that may have been harboring back there. Its important to have it dry, because they are essentially going to put what they call a "sheet" in her ear and replace her ear drum. This ear has been patched once, it did not take (not a common thing to not work, either). If all is well, Kendra will have surgery in the first couple weeks of February.
I have not talked to Kendra about this process, she would freak. She had an in-grown toenail during the later part of summer. She gave us some backlash when it came to trying to treat and take care of it so Matt ever so MAN-gently (is that a thing?? Well if it wasn't, it is now) told Kendra that if she didn't let us take care of her toe, she might have to have a little surgery on her toe to fix it.
I kid you not, the kid cried for days. So many tears. She would wake up in the middle of the night and yell for mom or dad and then she would pray aloud for her toe to get better so she wouldn't need surgery. Mind you, when she wakes up in the night, she can't hear us. We can hear her, but she has no sound without her cochlear implants on. She would just want us to come in and she would pray and I know the girl knows that when two or more gather to pray.....
So basically, my sweet little 7 year old prayed (and followed the recommendations of her dear mom and dad) her ingrown toenail away.
The surgery she will have is generally not a big deal. Generally. You all have come to love, know and appreciate that the Steffens are not a "general" case. Kendra has an electrically wired cochlea. The cochlear implant that you see on the outside only works because of this beautifully crafted electrode that is ever so perfectly placed inside of her snail shaped cochlea. All should go just wonderful and great with the surgery. The surgeon told me that she is confident in this procedure, however, she has never had to do it for someone who is a CI recipient. It changes the game plan a little bit.... which is probably why this has been almost 7 years in the making. As with any procedure, there are risks. Our hope is that everything goes off without a hitch and the procedure is quick and recovery for Kendra be smooth.
So if you feel so led, please pray for our sweet girl Kendra. This has been a struggle, her whole life. Ears are so much of all of our lives, but Kendra really has battled ear infections for far too long. We can't wait to have this experience behind us.
There have been plenty of things to rejoice about. It's been a growing year (and maybe they all are, in adulthood I don't know if there is such a thing as a "comfortable" year).
We have experienced a new connection with our Lord and Savior through a new church that our community has been blessed with. That is the bright side of what felt like a break-up with our former church. It was really hard to walk away from a place where you surrendered your life to God through baptism, married your spouse, developed some of your deepest and most meaningful relationships and really where I personally accepted Christ.
We were in a rough spot with some things and talking to Matt's cousin Sam and he listened, nodded and validated our thoughts on why we should stay there if we felt the Lord was asking us to. But then he said "Are you being filled?" --- it was striking. We weren't feeling filled at all. We had been lack-of-attenders for quite a season at that point. Prayerfully considering attendance regularly, but really feeling so much more consumed and if I dare say... our presence did not feel missed or needed. That was just a personal reflection, and we all know that when we look in the mirror we don't always see what others see. Like all things in life, we were not quick to pull the trigger and leave the church until about 6 weeks later. We were actually all set and hesitantly planning to attend church at a building with a body that we so appreciated and missed, until I opened the mail and opened what felt like a break up letter at the time. I bawled like a baby.
It was fair. The letter was more than fair, something that I have referred to several times. We had not been attending regularly if at all, and they wanted to know our commitment. Truthfully, we broke the bounds of our agreement before our church reached out with a letter asking us "if we were in or out". I just couldn't believe no one called and checked on us. I started thinking selfish and unfair thoughts and it really just tanked my prayer life. While I hadn't been attending church, I was steadfast in praying for healing for my church family, praying for my family-- in and through all things. I had been steady in the word and keeping the church sermons a regular part of my week, following online.
After the note, I checked out. Poor Matt, he really wanted to spiritually lead our family and I was like a brick wall. Done.
Finally, in the early part of 2017 we were invited to what started as a small group and then merged into a bigger "small" group. This group has led us to where we are now, happily worshiping and earnestly accepting a spirit led and very fulfilling church life.
This change of events has really turned into a bittersweet blessing. I'm at a place now that I feel so VERY fortunate that I can invite friends and think that they will receive a message that will fill them as much as it fills me. I'm at a place in life where I want to go out and plant and sew seeds and tell everyone the GOOD NEWS!!! The Lord has led me to a place that was always there, it was right there in my heart. He found the keys and unlocked the door and my eyes are wide open and willing. I wasn't so much willing before. I was broken for a season and He repaired me and made me whole again.
I know that seasons can come and seasons can go. A big part of me misses my old life at my old church with my old friends. Many people have moved, many things have changed and that is the way the God intended it to be. His design is right. He makes no mistakes. But I don't think that means that I can't miss what used to be, worry about what is to come, or move on when the time has come. I'm thankful for grace, because I know that my mind really is a battlefield. I'm thankful for hope. Only time can tell what is going to be next.
Prayerfully, this next year of "growth" will prove to feel a little bit more stable than the last 30 :)-- but then..... would that really make me the MEEEEE that you all just love so much??
