I had the amazing privilege of going away this past weekend for a Women of Faith conference with some amazing ladies. It's actually quite a story how we ended up attending and getting together. I sort of feel as though God pushed me to get a small group going and I reached out to the same group Matt and I had previously done studies with. Honestly, I was not that into it. I was listening to God and got it going, but I was just not feeling it. Thankfully, when we rolled it out, the time spent with the group was enjoyable and I did feel like I was listening to God and getting some insight on His word and strengthening our marriage. However, I was keeping my heart guarded. Our study was nearing an end and one of the girls mentioned the Women of Faith conference coming up. All the other girls were intrigued and I felt compelled to see what it was about. We committed to going together way in advance, buying discounted tickets. Who knew that simply getting that bible study going would lead to one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
I learned so much from my weekend away. One of the biggest things I took home with me was recognizing when the little things become BIG things: hearing, having leftovers in the fridge, plentiful jobs. Similar to if I'd ever experienced homelessness (which to be clear, I have not), having a place to live would be huge! This theory can go the opposite way quickly if I make too big of a deal out of things that just don't need so much attention. I feel like its the enemy sneaking in sometimes and making me dwell on negatives and turning little things into bigger things than they were ever meant to be. Dwelling too much on these things can wreak havoc on self esteem, hope and most importantly faith.
What an epiphany! I have said it before, and I know it to be true but its something I really have to work on remembering. The enemy sees my weaknesses and he tries to capitalize and make me feel like I am alone---- I AM NOT ALONE!!! At Women of Faith, the testimonies of the speakers was gut wrenchingly close to home. On several occasions, tears streamed from my eyes and I felt a sense of reassurance---- I am NOT alone!
About a year ago this time, I was awaiting the arrival of the two of the sweetest baby girls that I could have ever imagined welcoming into our family. I felt a sense of calm about them coming. I was trusting that God was going to take the best care of me. I wondered, and people asked, about whether I thought the girls could hear or not. I didn't know, I felt like whatever was going on in there would be good and had an extreme sense of confidence that He had it under control. Sure, I prayed about it. Finally came the day when the twins were born, healthy and sweet little girls. The quickest nearly 20 pounds I ever could have lost. When I was waiting for the test results on Aubrees hearing screening, I prayed. With all my being, I prayed. I believed that God would make my daughter hear. She failed the screen at the hospital so as per protocol, her re-screen was with our regular audiology team. I continued to stay faithful. I reached out to some prayer warriors, let them know the situation and asked them to go to work praying for my sweet, innocent baby. And they did. Aubree miraculously passed the screening at the clinic! Within just a couple of minutes, she passed and we thought about how wonderful our God was. I cried a lip quivering joyous cry. I was so thankful. Days passed, and I quickly questioned the passed screening. I would ask Matt "tell me honestly, can she hear???" He would say "the test says she can". Over a weeks time I watched what seemed to be her hearing coming and going. One minute it was there, the next minute it was gone. I reached back out to our audiologist. What a nerve wracking week that was, waiting for another appointment.
Long story, short. I was right. She did not have the perfect hearing that I had prayed for. Everything in my life to this point felt unfair. In that moment I was smitten with anger. This is not how I had ever imagined or hoped my life would be. God had not given my daughter the hearing that I had believed wholeheartedly he had the power to give her. I was crushed. My faith had taken a deep blow. I was hurting, wondering why she would pass that test only to create a false sense of hope. They called in ANSD. Something that even with all our other experiences with hearing loss could never compare to. I went home and didn't get a good night of sleep for days. I researched and studied, cried and whaled wondering why. Why me? I didn't want relationships, friends, family... God. I didn't want Him!
I remember thinking about how this is not the life I wanted or dreamt of. I felt like it was a nightmare. How much more trial can one person experience? As a child, I lived with an alcoholic father, experienced instability of a family that included a more than full time working mother, felt the struggle knowing that money was not prevalent, my father lost both his parents and sunk into a deeper depression. His addiction grew stronger. We uprooted and moved closer to my mom's family at what I remember being a hard age to start over. My insecurities were at an all time high. Shortly after that, I lost my favorite uncle, who was just 36 years old, and my last living grandparent followed his son to heaven just a short time later. By age 15 when my grandpa passed, I had already been to more close family members funerals than my husband has in his 28 years and than probably most people have by their 40's. My relationship with my mom was rocky through my teenager years. I think I harbored some unfair feelings about how much responsibility I carried being the oldest kid in the house.
My dad was in and out of jail, and I could never figure out why he didn't love me enough to stay sober. All my siblings would attest to the fact that I was my dads #1 girl. Yet my pleas were not enough. Thankfully, I met a boy who would become my best friend and later my husband, during some turbulent teenager times. He accepted me and all my baggage. At age 19, less than a year after I married the man who dug me out of my slump I can remember my dad being sober for his longest string. Until the world came crashing down, yet again. Dad got sick and quickly passed. Broken again, I cried out to God. Angrily, I cried. Why, God? This was not the life I wanted.
The next 8 years are what most people know of me. Pregnant with a perfect little reminder of what life really looks like. I became a mom and delivered a nearly ten pound baby who literally rescued my mom from the deepest low a person could ever experience. Most people now look at our relationship with envy and see a rich bond. Noah was our glue. Yet my perfect baby was somehow flawed. Who had heard of a child born with hearing loss?? Not me!
25% chance, they said. It was genetic, they explained. My soul mate and I were destined to be blessed with four more children. Totaling 5 kids, 80% with hearing loss was way over the odds. Luckily, about 6 years ago we were divinely accepted into a body of believers in a small group. Matt led me through some bible basics and spiritually our family flourished. I found some resolve in my life circumstances, not to say there weren't times where I would say "why me, God?" Truthfully, this past year has been hard. Miserable.
I dipped into a low spot. I'd been looking to other things for satisfaction. I started working really hard at work. I'm happy to be at work, but I was looking for a happiness that I just was not going to find that would satiate me for the long run. It didn't matter how well I performed there, how much mentoring I did to people, how much praise for a job well done and how much I was able to teach others. At Women of Faith, I was reminded that the ultimate place to find the genuine joy was in my God. He loves me and has been with me the whole nine yards+. You see, I'd given up on Him and was trying to fix my life when it wasn't really broken. I was searching for something that I thought was meant to be mine and never really existed. The enemy snuck into my head and made me think that this was not the way my life was intended. He was so wrong!
I love my kids and want nothing but the absolute best for it. If you've read my blog before, you probably can tell--- they are thought of with the highest regards. I love them soo very deeply and sometimes need to be reminded that Christ loves me not that much, but so much more! I will experience more trials, but I trust that I have a strong foundation of believers and people that love me that will keep my eyes open to the light, shining out the darkness that lurks nearby. I have some of the best girlfriends that I know I can run to when times get tough. And they will, again and again. The girls that held my hands and hugged my shoulders this weekend when I stood up upon being called this past weekend, are a Godsend. Even the one who is not a "hugger", who has the biggest heart I could ever imagine would welcome my tears with a shoulder and a hug. That is how I know that God is with me. Great friends, amazing family and beautiful Godly interventions. Those little whispers that let me know, He is in control. Possibly the best message that I took home with me this weekend was simple. We will experience trial, and we might banter back and forth from survival to revival. But we win in the end. We win in the end.
