Emotional roller coaster

2nd trimester is underway and I'm awaiting the return of my energy. I'm ready for bed at around 8pm each night, which can be difficult because with the springtime sun shining through the windows, my kids are hardly convinced that it is bedtime. I read blogs and look up twin pregnancy quite frequently.  I'm sure that I have felt little baby movement in my tummy :) My days have been filled with jumping on the trampoline, coloring pictures, watching the movie "Rio"... Over and over again and extra cuddle time with my 3 big kids. It's partially sentimental to refer to Noah, Kendra and Miles as the "big kids", but they certainly are growing and soon enough there will be little babies in the house. Kendra and Noah totally get it. Kendra is especially sweet to me and likes to rub my tummy already. Imagine how she will feel when my belly starts to actually grow! If you have seen me recently, I probably look very much the same as always to you. I'm a little over 15 weeks PG, and I'm sure there will be a growth spurt soon.

I was laying in my bed with Kendra this morning, she had her "ears" off, which maybe I've told you before, gives her a license to sing very loud and obnoxiously. I mean hey, she can't hear herself so why not? She makes up songs about her day or whatever she was recently doing etc... This morning her particular tune was 5 little monkeys but she was singing about babies jumping on the trampoline. Mommy called Daddy and daddy said, I'm gonna tickle tickle tickle... And she would proceed to tickle me. Very interactive and sweet, I thought. I was so proud of her that I got kind of choked up, and she grabbed me by the cheeks and said what's a matter mommy?? She was so concerned. So I got up and got her CI's put together so I could talk to her. I told her I was so happy that she is such a good singer, and started to get weepy as I talked to her more. Blasted hormones, I can't hardly finish a thought without getting emotional. I guess I just can't help but be thankful for her ability to express herself so freely with words.. With singing. She talks on the phone with her Dad when he calls home from work, she hears me when I call her downstairs for supper. It's a really special feeling to know that she has worked so hard to enjoy some of those luxuries in her life. Thursday last week, we were watching a sweet friend of ours and Kendra just adores him. Thursday she asked me why he didn't need special ears. She's only 3 and I guess 4 months old. She's never really said anything about her CI's, never asked those hard questions. I just told her that God made our family a little different then most families, and that her ears needed help to hear so that is why she gets to wear CI's. I don't know how much she can really understand about things right now, but she just nodded her head, wrapped her arms around my neck and said Thank you mommy. She softly kissed me on the cheek and then went back over to her toy pile.

There are days that pass that I don't even think that we are any different than your average family. I take for granted the wonder of my children and there ability to have just adapted to this life they were given. Matt and I know that there is a different way. They could have been born with full hearing, no therapies to attend, no hearing aid fittings, no surgeries. That's about the point where I start to think.. Poor kids. But really, I think what I'm actually thinking is poor me. None of my kids lived a different kind of life, so this is natural and normal for them. I keep asking myself, when will I get completely over the pity party. All three of them are doing soooo good. And they are happy, boy are they happy. I realize more and more that it is just my uneasy and anxious heart that gets me so frazzled. Overcome by worries of how my kids are looked at, if they are accepted and will they be loved by people outside of our family?

I asked Noah what his favorite thing about his cochlear implant is, and he told me that he likes to hear at story time. He also said he wished he didn't even need one because then he could look like everyone else. Then, my sweet hearted boy said.. But mom, I'm very happy to wear a hearing aid and a CI so that Kendra and Miles never feel like they are alone. Now what shapes a heart to be so thoughtful and kind? My only explanation for that is that God gives us life experience to grow us and to become who he wants us to be. I've never had a five year old before, Noah is my oldest. But I really do think that his heart is leaps and bounds above his age because that is just how God designed him.

Kind, compassionate, rambunctious and rowdy. That's how I best describe my crew.

So clearly, I've been pretty emotional lately.  Maybe that's why I'm afraid to leave the house ;).  Truly friends, don't give up on me.  My appetite is sure to return any day now, and I won't require an afternoon nap and bedtime at 8 pm.  I mean seriously, am I two again???  Uffda, what would I do without my amazing husband??  I'm not even sure how he puts up with me, but he does :). 

By the way... I'm pretty sure the twins MEANT to give me a pedicure for mothers day.  Haha, I'm in search of some girls who would come with me for afternoon and supper date some evening soon!!  I do believe the sun will truly shine and the rain will let us all out again in our flip flops.  SOON!!!!!!

Trusting Him...

Let me just start by saying, this has been a HUGE whirlwind of a 24 hours for me.  I'm partially exhausted from a good and busy day at work, but especially from my mind racing and just a couple hours of rest last night.  I just woke up from a GLORIOUS afternoon nap, and I'm feeling it best to share my heart.

Most of you probably have already heard that the Steffen family is growing.  If not, the details are pretty much like this: 

Matt and I have been talking for about a year about how "we could do it, we can handle it, and we really want to have 4 kids".  We decided we would just let it be on our hearts for a while, until we rang in the new year.  In 2013 we decided, it will happen if its meant to happen and stopped any kind of precautionary measures.  Many of you also know that we went on a cruise in January.  It was a 7 day cruise, but we were away from home for about 10 days with the travel in between.  We had the most amazing time, and it really was a treat.  I truly believe this time revolutionized the way we looked at eachother... we got to experience what it is like to really spend time together! What a treat.  It would be a great story if we conceived while on a romantic getaway but we did not.  Once we came home, we started settling into our new home and sometime during that chaos -- I guess you could say the magic happened??  Yesterday I had my 12 week checkup.  This is the appointment I wait to have in order to share my news with the world.  I just like to hear my little turnips heartbeat and have my first REAL good cry of joy before I share my news.  My appointment was at 11, so I woke up and watched the clock most of the morning.  My head was filled with thoughts and more thoughts.  When I got into my room in the clinic, my nurse immediately showed me her congratulatory happiness and I felt soooo great to talk about it!!!  It wasn't long before my doctor came in.  I expressed my anxiety (go figure, me anxious!!) and he gave me peace of mind that helped me relax.  Soon it was time to get up on "every-womans-nightmare-table" and he was going to check with a Doppler to get the heartbeat.  He moved the little gelled up device around on my belly, very persistently.  No heartbeat.  He kept rolling, had some conversation with me and persisted on.  Finally, after what seemed like a gazillion minutes, he said well why don't we just see if we can get the nurse to set up the ultrasound, you wanted one of those anyway :).  And he smiled, knew I was nervous and just continued to calm me with his kind actions and words.  He told me there was no way he was going to make me wait for another appointment not knowing everything is ok in there.  Can't even explain how thankful I am for that decision, because I would be even more of a wreck right now if I was in "unknown land".  I was whisked over to a room across the hall from where I was.  The nurse graciously informed me how the ultrasound would work.  Soon enough, the doctor was back and looking for the heartbeat yet again.  It wasn't too long before he scooted the machine real close to him and studied the picture before him.  The nurses jaw dropped and he said "You ready for a surprise?"  He then turned the monitor towards me and showed me baby "A" and baby "B".  That's right folks, I saw two little babes in that precious monitor. 

A few people have asked me if 5 was in our plan anyway.  Nope.  We were soooo content on 4.  My near life long best friend Katie had a good laugh with me talking about how God laughs at our plans.  His plans are sooo much better than anything I could dream anyway.  I have to say right now, I am really just trusting him.  I'm a whole lot of different emotions.  One second I think... WOW!!! What a miracle, a special treat, HOW BLESSED AM I??!?!!!!  The next second I wonder.. how in the world....  I have to say that I'm mostly just resting on the Lord, and knowing that his plan is ALWAYS right.  This is not a mistake, he hand picked Matt and I along with Noah, Kendra and Miles and he said "My precious children, I TRUST you so much that this may not make sense, but soon enough it will". 

I want to be clear on a few things.  I do realize that I have some hard mama times ahead of me.  I'm not stuck in rainbow la-la land, only thinking of the sweet photo ops and cutsie putsie little smiles.  I'm a VERY realistic person.  However, I refuse to dwell on the hardships that will potentially be ahead of me.  I encourage any and all positive thoughts and feelings, feedback and advice.  I know I don't have it all figured out!!!  I will say that the feedback we have primarily received has been possibly the most uplifting and encouraging things anyone could ever think to say.  I have been in tears, of just complete and utter joy at some of your support and kind words.  I can't help but just cry right now thinking about some of the kind words that have been shared with me.  I'm uber sensitive, I think just in general, but especially while prego.. and especially ESPECIALLY while expecting twins.  This has been a big deal and I'm pretty sure that life as I knew it, is no longer.  There will always be people that do not  believe in my decisions, and being the people pleaser that I am, that is extremely hard for me.  Especially when it comes to my loved ones and family.  I would just love to encourage everyone to be open minded and help me through this process by trusting God right along with me.  This was not my plan, it really is HIS plan. 

As far as the hearing of these two babies, we are not in the least worried about it.  Were focusing on the BEST SITUATION, just as the Lord intends it to be.  God-willing, we will make it to full term and have healthy babies.  That is where my focus is.  Please remember, that we fully and whole heartedly believe that the hearing loss that Noah, Kendra and Miles each have makes them who they are.  They are lovable, beautiful and perfectly engineered.  If these two babies are any variation of my 3 beautiful babes before them, I will be VERY grateful!!!  I had a beautiful and kind hearted friend say how strong I am and that I handle our family situation well.  Here I am again, crying... but what you need to know is I was not always this strong.  The good Lord got me here, and those beautiful babies were building blocks along the way that helped me get to where I am today.  They built my character up to where I am today, and they gave me strength, and I learned confidence and I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to "get it".  I mean, I really get it!!  This was a part of His plan, and I can find contentment and satisfaction with this CrAzY situation were in now, because I TRUST HIM!!! 

I know I will need help, and lose sleep, and have a hard time dating my husband, not be able to go to the bathroom alone or shower at normal hours.  I'm aware that this is just going to be wild!!!!  I would just really love it if I could have the support of all of you beautiful souls, and just trust Him with me.  I really think it will make this journey that much more rewarding.  I'm not saying to be unrealistic with me, honesty is welcome.  But all the horror stories and worst cast scenarios are not going to help me stay peaceful about how my life will be in 6 months.  Besides, keep an eye out for the "mommy needs a nap" program ;).  Maybe you will get the chance to come in and see just how SWEET it is to be a part of our lives :) :). 

Thanks friends, prayers for peace welcomed :)