Since we have purchased a house and we have moved in, making it our own, I have started using some "home standards" as part of my weekly routine. I know, funny right? I do NOT claim to have it all together (most moms with young kids cannot make that claim..) However, I have found some really useful tips that make being home even more rewarding.
1.) I have set out specific laundry days, and stuck to my guns on it. Before, laundry was my biggest yuck.. if you know what I mean. I never really wanted to work on it, so by the time I got to it there was always a mountains worth waiting on me. Recently what has been working for me is laundry only 3 days a week. I only do laundry on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday (if I know Saturday is too booked, I do it Friday). This has been helpful because now I don't allow laundry to make me feel like a failure everyday when I chose not to do it. The trick is.. I do it from start to finish. I have enabled that annoying little buzzer on my dryer, and when it goes off I get the clothes out of the dryer and immediately fold and put away. Socks and all... my mom would be so proud -- or in disbelief :)
2.) Hearts at Home this past year had an interesting guest speaker known as the "Fly Lady"... I honestly am not that familiar with her, but you could google her and learn some interesting stuff!! Anyways, one of the things she said at her little session was to avoid "hotspots". Who doesn't have a catch all space that gets cluttered and quickly becomes an eyesore?? Well, this was one of my biggest peeves (especially in our rental where we literally did not have any counterspace). The trick to avoiding being taken over by "hotspots" is to be INTENTIONAL. Hang a nail, so there is a place to set your keys. Put up a pin-up board if you like to write and keep notes. Find an envelope holder to place your mail. Buy a small rubbermaid container (can double as recycling container) to store away your weekly shopper or magazines. Find a cute basket to put all your hearing equipment... wait, maybe that was just helpful for me :). The point is, for me it seemed like it was the same things that were cluttering up my hot spots. There was a small amount of training that went along with this one, and trust me, I am still working on it! Your kids, or your husband may not share the same feelings as you about avoiding cluttered counters. The trick is not to continuously put there junk in the appropriate places, but instead kindly ask that they find a home for it themselves :)
3.) Do you have a dishwasher????? Ohhh boy, they are amazing. Not to say that life can't go on without one, but what a luxury. BUT, dont abuse it!!!! It should be used as a TEMPORARY holding spot for your dishes. As soon as you dirty a dish, place it in the dishwasher. I have my 3 and 5 year old (working on the 2 yr old ;)) already doing this for themselves!! The only way I can expect them to help me with this though, is by holding up my end of the bargain. I run the dishwasher before bed, and empty it in the morning. If I fill it up early in the day (which I would do if I was a supermom.. making baked goods or something really fun like that, HA) I run it as soon as its a full load. Ok friends, this may be hard to hear... but if you do not have enough space for all of your dishes to be clean and put away, you might have too much JUNK!! I mean really, do you need to have 5 loaf pans?? 3 9x13's?? And in the event you do need extra of some of these things, use a lifeline!! Phone a friend, call a neighbor :) Get rid of some STUFF!!!! Ok, so if you don't have a dishwasher - life goes on. It is still important to keep your kitchen tidy. If your anything like me, having a clean kitchen builds up your self esteem and makes you enjoy the "small" things more easily. The benefits far out weigh the work. Clean kitchen (for me) = feeling successful, desiring to make meals, not spending as much $$ eating things not prepared in my kitchen, happy to open the door to unsuspecting drop-by's.... in short it makes me feel more confident.
4.) Don't be afraid to have a "toy zone". Let your kids play, be creative and enjoy all the plastic stuff that gets bought for them throughout the years :). If its at all possible, keep it to a specific area. I'm not kidding, if you saw my basement right now -- where I happen to be writing this blog (instead of tidying it up.. whoops) you would think, ay-yi-yi... that place needs some work :) But you know what, I'm okay with the kids playing here and getting out whatever toy there heart desires. Its nice that I can walk away from this area and it is not standard for my whole house to have toys strewn throughout. There was a time where I felt like our home was a free-for all. Watch out, you might be headed to the ER if you step on the wrong teenage mutant ninja turtle!! There were toys everywhere and I felt like I was constantly following behind the kids and trying to clear a spot for safe travelling by foot. Once again, this may mean changing some habits or getting creative about finding a toy zone. What this has done for me... its helped me to let my kids be kids and not have to live in a disaster zone.
5.) RADIO IN THE KITCHEN. Its worth the investment, do it! That is it, just do it!
6.) Menu planning. Who likes to decide what your having for supper ALL-THE-TIME!?!? Not me. Ask for suggestions and plan according to the weekly sales ad at your grocery store. When you take the thought out of it, somehow it is that much easier. Your hamburger is unthawed and ready to go and your helper is just sitting on the counter in its little box ready to be dumped in ;) (sometimes I have to get creative myself, because the request of cheeseburger mac can only be fulfilled soooo many times :)) Seriously, it does help.
7.) Last but not least, remember to count your blessings. Take a second to realize and appreciate some of the little things. If you have a good enough friend that you can start your sentence with "I'm not really proud... but," you have a GREAT friend. If you have a husband that doesn't leave the house without a kiss.. you have an amazing husband. If you have a child that is full of energy and questions and spunk and life and mischief --- you are blessed. Sometimes I am sooo guilty of mistaking things. I will not look deep enough to see the blessing because I will be stuck on the annoyance. My example here is that my kids are ALWAYS hungry... for whatever is in the junk/snack cupboard. I should really be more focused on the fact that we are fortunate to have some of that stuff.
Friends, there is almost always a bright side. You might have to dig a little to learn the lesson, but its there :)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Powerless
I am settling nicely into my new house! Woohoo for that. We now have distractions... aka cable :) It has been an interesting week with Miles running a fever and Kendra not feeling up to par Tuesday. Poor babies, so we have been resting lots and catching up on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse! Since the weather has been better, or I should say warmer, Kendra is getting more used to school. She has enjoyed making pictures and bringing them home to hang on our fridge. She had an appointment on Friday to have her cochlear implant "mapped". Who knew that was going to be so overwhelming for us?!? She used to have it done more regularly, so I guess it wasnt as big of a deal then. this time, she cried, refused to wear her implants and pleaded with me to fix her "broken" ears. I was completely powerless... what an ugly feeling that was! I really wanted to be able to know just what was causing her the discomfort, but I couldnt.. I wanted to hear it for myself, but I couldnt.. I wanted to take away her messed up hearing gene, but I couldnt. I finally just told myself, you have done what you could for this situation.. give it to HIM! So I prayed. Right about that time, a few friends that were expecting me at a getaway retreat that weekend text me.. so I explained what I had going on, and they offered prayer. Just a couple hours later.. maybe around 8 PM, i decided to give the cochlear implants another shot. I carefully put one on, and gently tapped her shoulder and smiled. She gave me a thumbs up (our sign that says... Im ok). I quietly said "yay!!" and of course pushed my luck with her other implant. To my amazement, she gave me another thumbs up!! It was a miraculous turnaround, and Im not even sure how I had the energy to give it another shot that day!! You can tell that she is still adjusting. Im just glad we didn't give up :)
Miles had the toughest week, with an extra sleepy agenda. We mostly just cuddled up on the couch and he would fall asleep in the most awkward of positions. Our flu was not a puke-fest, luckily. There were no messes left behind, just lots of fever, restless nights and naps all day. Today, everyone looks like they are ready to rock! Miles brought me socks as a clue to get a move on and do something!!! HAHA, what a sweet boy :) Noah has been fortunate enough to stay healthy, he would hate to have to miss school!! I'm amazed at that boy. He has such a sweet soul, and kind smile. He always knows just how to turn my frown upside down :)
So I've been searching for some very important letters to me, and have so far been unable to locate them. I have NO idea how I could have been so careless and why I didn't put them somewhere obvious. They are letters that are 10-15 years old, written from my Dad. My heart breaks as I feel helpless searching the same few places :(
I've mentioned that my dad passed away 7 years ago, on Feb. 3rd and that he had leukemia. It was a sudden diagnosed illness that quickly took him. The truth is, I internally battled that fact for a LONG time. The summer of 2006, my dad started to lose his hair a little bit. He had this longer, flowy, silky, thick head of black hair. I just figured it was his old age and hard life that was finally doing his super-model hair in. By November of '06, my dad was noticeably coughing more. I quickly credited smoking for 35+ years as the reason for the cough. In December, my dad was bedridden much of the days. He was always cold, coughing a lot, and very restless yet always resting. My mom said she would find him huddled up with blankets in the bath tub, and one time I found him sleeping in front of a heat register on the steps leading upstairs. We all knew something was really wrong. My mom tried convincing my Dad to go to the Dr. He was always stubborn about these things, and he fired back at my mom that he was fine and it would get better without seeing a Doctor. They argued about it, because my mom was sure he had pneumonia. One time I walked in the door to the house when I knew my mom and brothers and sister were at school. I would just come over from St. James to hang out and have someone to visit during my days off. I said "Dad" and got no response. I walked into the living room slowly and saw my dad on the couch, hunched back with his eyes closed and no expression on his face. Just the way he was slouched off to the side, he looked so lifeless... so I said a bit louder (as my Dads hearing was not the greatest) "DAD!!" and he jolted awake. I was so shaken, and I felt so greatful that he woke up. It was just a crazy feeling, and then I knew.. my mom was right. She had been begging me to convince my Dad to go to the Doctor. I think, like my Dad, I just didn't want it to be that bad. I didn't want his illness to be Doctor-worthy. Finally, it was Christmas time, and I remember waiting until after the festivities and thinking in my head the whole time.. "how am I going to convince my Dad to go to the dr..." Then I devised a plan- I lied :( I told him I had made him 2 appointments, one was right after Christmas and one right after the new year and asked him which one he would like to keep. I went in with the approach that you can't tell me know, your going! He chose the later appointment, of course. So Christmas past, and then it was New Years Eve. My dad and mom had always enjoyed having Matt and I come over and celebrate the new year with them. We always did it big, with lots of food, friends and laughs. This New Year work got crazy, people didn't show up and Matt and I ended up being the only managers to work the whole day-- yep, He worked a 5:30 a.m to 9:30 p.m. and I ended up working a 8 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. It was a snowy day, and somehow we were allowed to close early, or maybe that was Matts executive decision (he was only a 1st assistant manger at the time.. and I was a 2nd) haha. It was a long day, but I remember my dad calling several times to see if I could make it before the snow got too bad. I still feel guilty about that, even though it wasn't my plan to not be there. Finally, it was January 2nd. The day of my Dads appointment. I picked him up for his appointment. Matt came with, what an awesome man I have. We waited in the waiting room, my dads head slunched over as he was resting. Finally, a nurse came over and told us the Doctor would not be able to see him that day, he was delivering a baby and asked if it would be okay if a nurse evaluated him. I agreed for my dad, and they ushered us into a room. I didn't even realize just how weak my dad had become until they asked him to step on the scale, and he couldnt. I had to steady him up there.. his knees were bent and he was uneasy. Just 130 lbs.... 35 lbs under his normal weight. My heart was heavy as the nurse told us they were not sure what was wrong, but they suggested that he go to the hospital to get some liquids in him and figure out why the weight loss was happening. She said it like it was an option.. so my dad said, well I can go home and force liquids. I looked at him and sternly said "No, but we will decline the ambulance ride and I can drive you there". I knew he would want a cigarette, and I took pity on him and his addiction. It was nuts that I would even care for him to have a cigarette, I have NEVER enjoyed the smell and had always advocated that he quit smoking. I just wanted him to have some comfort I guess, in this really uncomfortable situation. I had no idea that would be his last smoke.
So my dad went in for a checkup on Jan. 2nd, was diagnosed with leukemia Jan. 3rd and transported to Sioux Falls hospital. My mom was up there with him, and I know she endured some LOOOONGGG days. Around the end of January, my Dad had already undergone a couple rounds of CHEMO and had a couple of Bone Marrow checks. He was a strong man, complaining of very little.. except those bone marrow checks. Very painful he said. Things were looking up! They told us there was no cure for his leukemia, but that he could be treated and could potentially live another 5 years or so. I was heartbroken at the idea of him living with this and having a tag on when life would be up. My mom was being trained on how to administer medecine and keep my dads medecine port clean. It seemed he would be coming home soon. They even put a date on it, Feb 1st.. it was a Thursday. How exciting, I can remember that I had just got a new car and couldn't wait for my dad to check it out. He is a car guy, loved them and loved working on them. We had taken a walk and what I have come to remember as his last "good" day. We walked the wings of the cancer floor, and my car was parked in a parking garage. It was just right there... but there was a poll blocking the way, so we couldn't see it. My dad had not had much of an appetite, no wonder he had lost all that weight. But that night, he asked for a burger time burger. :) So we all ate supper together, in his hospital room. He ate the whole 2/3 lb burger too. Said it was really good. Matt and I had to get home, it was Sunday and we had to work on Monday. I said well, guess I will see you Thursday at home? He gave me one of his half smiles and said, yea, thats what they said huh? I said aren't you excited to get out of here??? And he said, we'll see, with another half smile. It was like he knew. My mom hasn't said much of the days after that, I think its hard to comprehend because everything changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. By Wed. night, my mom had called me and I was at work doing End of Month inventory. I knew I shouldn't have been on my phone, but I also knew she needed me. Matt was in the cities, at class for work. I didn't know what to say, so I just listened to my mom explain to me how things had just changed and he was so uncomfortable and hostile and delusional. I sat down in the skids of work stock and cried. I didn't know what else to do. I called Matt, and he felt just as helpless for me as I did for my mom. He was in the cities with one day of class left to go. My mom came home on Thursday, without Dad. She needed the break, she needed her own piece of mind, she needed some time for herself. She spent one night at home, and the next morning got a dreaded call. The nurses informed her that Dad wasn't doing too well, and asked if she thought it would be a good time to take him off the meds and let him go. Wow, who knew things could change that quickly... and how can you make a decision like that? We were all overwhelmed, but we traveled to Sioux Falls to be with our Dad. My brother Dustin drove me as I was a complete wreck. I can remember him comforting me by grabbing my hand and saying "Nae, were gonna all get through this".
So we drove to Sioux Falls, My mom, Matt, Sister Ashley, Brothers Dustin and Dylin, Sister in law Desiree, myself, My moms good girlfriend Jerrie, and uncle- my dads brother Ray and good friend of the family June (they both came from North Dakota). When we got to the hospital, my dad was sooo restless. He was moving his hands from side to side, kicking his blankets off, grabbing at his IV's... it was tough to see. My mom was on one side of my dad and my brother had his hand and was on the other. I can just remember the tenderness in my brothers voice as he tried to calm our restless Dad down. After a little while, it seemed to be effective. My brother then said, come here Nae, he would want you here beside him comforting him. I just didn't feel strong enough, but after a little bit of coaxing, I took a couple steps closer and grabbed my dads arm from my brother. I remember holding it with caution (he had a work injury 5 yrs prior, and had lots of pain in his joints specifically in his left hand--the one I was holding). I rubbed his whole arm, and gently held onto his arm and whispered shhh... its okay Dad, were all here now. I'm not sure if it was the medecine or if it was all of us that calmed my dad. All I know is there was a noticeably more comfortable man in front of me. He was no longer responsive, and I couldn't believe it.. what a change of events from less than a week prior. I wanted to spend that night in the hospital room with my dad, but my family urged me to let myself get some rest and stay at the hotel. I was about 5 months pregnant with our little Noah, and they were concerned for my well being. None of us slept much at the hotel, and the next morning we found ourselves in the same room, with my dad being the focus. We decided that maybe it would be best if the younger kids went home, so my sister in law brought them back to Windom. Then we waited. We laughed, and talked about some great stories involving my dad. He was a true story teller, and just like me.. he loved to make people laugh. Sometimes he would say the most ridiculous things, but they were hilarious!! I was sitting at the foot of his bed, my uncle Ray had just finished telling a story my dad had shared with him. I had one eye on my dad at all times.. and I saw him steadily breathe in and then breathe back out-- until just in that moment, there was no more inhaling. I watched for a couple of seconds, until I stood up with tears in my eyes -- I announced, he's not breathing anymore and bolted out of the room to find a nurse. There was a nurse right in front of me as soon as I opened the door, and she must have known. She just immediately hugged me, and I said But my dad.. and she said I know honey. We walked back in the room, and everyone was hugging and crying. Matt gave me the biggest hug of my life and just held me saying "I'm so sorry Nae, I'm so sorry.." And just like that, we said our goodbyes. Mom and I were the last ones in the room with him, and I just didn't feel ready to go yet. She walked towards the door and I followed. I turned around and said "You know Dad, I'm gonna make you proud. I'm going to be a really good mommy, but I need your help"... I told him I loved him and walked out the door.....
When I write it out, it just feels so surreal... the memories are so vivid. When someone passes away, thats when we decide to give them kind compliments and share fond memories. A lot of people didn't get to meet my dad so they don't really know the kind of man he was. Some people did get to meet him, and they got to see the good, bad and the ugly. The truth is, my dad was one of my best friends. We were really close. My older brother and younger sister would say that our relationship was close to a fault. He gave into my whiny ways and allowed me to have whatever I pleased :) I was a daddys girl. My dad also suffered from alcoholism, which meant we didn't always have the best relationship. He was not himself when he was heavily influenced or on drinking binges. He was more angry, not in an abusive or aggressive way, just angry with his words. My mom is the one who got the most of his drunken rages. It was really his words that could cut like a knife. She stood by him regardless, and I know she put up with a lot. I admire her for being such a strong women. My dad would go on drinking binges and be unreliable or just unavailable. Then he would go through a sobering up period where he would be sick, and then he would be normal dad again. We never knew how long it would last. When my dad was drinking, his right from wrong meter would go way out of whack. His biggest offense was taking our family vehicle and drinking and driving. He went to jail on several different occasions--- all for the same reason.. Driving While Intoxicated. I didn't grow up wearing this on my sleeve, not something I was real proud of. But while he was in jail, he would get time to think about life clearly. He would write me letters.. and I still have all of them -somewhere-... In one of his letters he wrote "Your ma tells me you don't think I like you.. I love you my girl, and I always will. This drinking is a disease, not because I don't love you". I'm just thankful I have those words in my dads handwriting... it helps a girl with insecurities get by every now and again. By God's grace, my dad was on one of his longest spurts of sobriety before he got sick. Our family was in unison and our last memories with him are some of the best ones.
So when I talk about my dad, I'm not saying he was a saint. He was a good man, and he would help anyone. He would give the shirt off his back if it meant helping someone in need. He loved my family, especially my mom. My family has never been the I love you type, but my dad would tell me how much my mom meant to him. He confided in me like I was a friend sometimes. I miss our talks and dinos diner lunch dates (and yea.. that place is closed now.. haha). But I am forever thankful for some of lifes lessons that I was able to learn from him. Specifically, the life lesson on being powerless. Sometimes there are situations in life that render us powerless (for example, the hold alcohol had on my dad, or how powerless I felt with Kendras cochlear implant last week). Just because I don't have power over certain situations, does not mean they are hopeless!! My hope is in the Lord, and he is mighty and full of power.
My past makes me who I am today. I like to think of myself as a kind, compassionate, easy to love person. I have seen a lot and been through a lot, its my experiences in life that allow me to know how to be there for people. Life isn't always easy, it sure hasn't been for me. No matter what else this life has in store for me, I know it is all for good reason.
Miles had the toughest week, with an extra sleepy agenda. We mostly just cuddled up on the couch and he would fall asleep in the most awkward of positions. Our flu was not a puke-fest, luckily. There were no messes left behind, just lots of fever, restless nights and naps all day. Today, everyone looks like they are ready to rock! Miles brought me socks as a clue to get a move on and do something!!! HAHA, what a sweet boy :) Noah has been fortunate enough to stay healthy, he would hate to have to miss school!! I'm amazed at that boy. He has such a sweet soul, and kind smile. He always knows just how to turn my frown upside down :)
So I've been searching for some very important letters to me, and have so far been unable to locate them. I have NO idea how I could have been so careless and why I didn't put them somewhere obvious. They are letters that are 10-15 years old, written from my Dad. My heart breaks as I feel helpless searching the same few places :(
I've mentioned that my dad passed away 7 years ago, on Feb. 3rd and that he had leukemia. It was a sudden diagnosed illness that quickly took him. The truth is, I internally battled that fact for a LONG time. The summer of 2006, my dad started to lose his hair a little bit. He had this longer, flowy, silky, thick head of black hair. I just figured it was his old age and hard life that was finally doing his super-model hair in. By November of '06, my dad was noticeably coughing more. I quickly credited smoking for 35+ years as the reason for the cough. In December, my dad was bedridden much of the days. He was always cold, coughing a lot, and very restless yet always resting. My mom said she would find him huddled up with blankets in the bath tub, and one time I found him sleeping in front of a heat register on the steps leading upstairs. We all knew something was really wrong. My mom tried convincing my Dad to go to the Dr. He was always stubborn about these things, and he fired back at my mom that he was fine and it would get better without seeing a Doctor. They argued about it, because my mom was sure he had pneumonia. One time I walked in the door to the house when I knew my mom and brothers and sister were at school. I would just come over from St. James to hang out and have someone to visit during my days off. I said "Dad" and got no response. I walked into the living room slowly and saw my dad on the couch, hunched back with his eyes closed and no expression on his face. Just the way he was slouched off to the side, he looked so lifeless... so I said a bit louder (as my Dads hearing was not the greatest) "DAD!!" and he jolted awake. I was so shaken, and I felt so greatful that he woke up. It was just a crazy feeling, and then I knew.. my mom was right. She had been begging me to convince my Dad to go to the Doctor. I think, like my Dad, I just didn't want it to be that bad. I didn't want his illness to be Doctor-worthy. Finally, it was Christmas time, and I remember waiting until after the festivities and thinking in my head the whole time.. "how am I going to convince my Dad to go to the dr..." Then I devised a plan- I lied :( I told him I had made him 2 appointments, one was right after Christmas and one right after the new year and asked him which one he would like to keep. I went in with the approach that you can't tell me know, your going! He chose the later appointment, of course. So Christmas past, and then it was New Years Eve. My dad and mom had always enjoyed having Matt and I come over and celebrate the new year with them. We always did it big, with lots of food, friends and laughs. This New Year work got crazy, people didn't show up and Matt and I ended up being the only managers to work the whole day-- yep, He worked a 5:30 a.m to 9:30 p.m. and I ended up working a 8 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. It was a snowy day, and somehow we were allowed to close early, or maybe that was Matts executive decision (he was only a 1st assistant manger at the time.. and I was a 2nd) haha. It was a long day, but I remember my dad calling several times to see if I could make it before the snow got too bad. I still feel guilty about that, even though it wasn't my plan to not be there. Finally, it was January 2nd. The day of my Dads appointment. I picked him up for his appointment. Matt came with, what an awesome man I have. We waited in the waiting room, my dads head slunched over as he was resting. Finally, a nurse came over and told us the Doctor would not be able to see him that day, he was delivering a baby and asked if it would be okay if a nurse evaluated him. I agreed for my dad, and they ushered us into a room. I didn't even realize just how weak my dad had become until they asked him to step on the scale, and he couldnt. I had to steady him up there.. his knees were bent and he was uneasy. Just 130 lbs.... 35 lbs under his normal weight. My heart was heavy as the nurse told us they were not sure what was wrong, but they suggested that he go to the hospital to get some liquids in him and figure out why the weight loss was happening. She said it like it was an option.. so my dad said, well I can go home and force liquids. I looked at him and sternly said "No, but we will decline the ambulance ride and I can drive you there". I knew he would want a cigarette, and I took pity on him and his addiction. It was nuts that I would even care for him to have a cigarette, I have NEVER enjoyed the smell and had always advocated that he quit smoking. I just wanted him to have some comfort I guess, in this really uncomfortable situation. I had no idea that would be his last smoke.
So my dad went in for a checkup on Jan. 2nd, was diagnosed with leukemia Jan. 3rd and transported to Sioux Falls hospital. My mom was up there with him, and I know she endured some LOOOONGGG days. Around the end of January, my Dad had already undergone a couple rounds of CHEMO and had a couple of Bone Marrow checks. He was a strong man, complaining of very little.. except those bone marrow checks. Very painful he said. Things were looking up! They told us there was no cure for his leukemia, but that he could be treated and could potentially live another 5 years or so. I was heartbroken at the idea of him living with this and having a tag on when life would be up. My mom was being trained on how to administer medecine and keep my dads medecine port clean. It seemed he would be coming home soon. They even put a date on it, Feb 1st.. it was a Thursday. How exciting, I can remember that I had just got a new car and couldn't wait for my dad to check it out. He is a car guy, loved them and loved working on them. We had taken a walk and what I have come to remember as his last "good" day. We walked the wings of the cancer floor, and my car was parked in a parking garage. It was just right there... but there was a poll blocking the way, so we couldn't see it. My dad had not had much of an appetite, no wonder he had lost all that weight. But that night, he asked for a burger time burger. :) So we all ate supper together, in his hospital room. He ate the whole 2/3 lb burger too. Said it was really good. Matt and I had to get home, it was Sunday and we had to work on Monday. I said well, guess I will see you Thursday at home? He gave me one of his half smiles and said, yea, thats what they said huh? I said aren't you excited to get out of here??? And he said, we'll see, with another half smile. It was like he knew. My mom hasn't said much of the days after that, I think its hard to comprehend because everything changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. By Wed. night, my mom had called me and I was at work doing End of Month inventory. I knew I shouldn't have been on my phone, but I also knew she needed me. Matt was in the cities, at class for work. I didn't know what to say, so I just listened to my mom explain to me how things had just changed and he was so uncomfortable and hostile and delusional. I sat down in the skids of work stock and cried. I didn't know what else to do. I called Matt, and he felt just as helpless for me as I did for my mom. He was in the cities with one day of class left to go. My mom came home on Thursday, without Dad. She needed the break, she needed her own piece of mind, she needed some time for herself. She spent one night at home, and the next morning got a dreaded call. The nurses informed her that Dad wasn't doing too well, and asked if she thought it would be a good time to take him off the meds and let him go. Wow, who knew things could change that quickly... and how can you make a decision like that? We were all overwhelmed, but we traveled to Sioux Falls to be with our Dad. My brother Dustin drove me as I was a complete wreck. I can remember him comforting me by grabbing my hand and saying "Nae, were gonna all get through this".
So we drove to Sioux Falls, My mom, Matt, Sister Ashley, Brothers Dustin and Dylin, Sister in law Desiree, myself, My moms good girlfriend Jerrie, and uncle- my dads brother Ray and good friend of the family June (they both came from North Dakota). When we got to the hospital, my dad was sooo restless. He was moving his hands from side to side, kicking his blankets off, grabbing at his IV's... it was tough to see. My mom was on one side of my dad and my brother had his hand and was on the other. I can just remember the tenderness in my brothers voice as he tried to calm our restless Dad down. After a little while, it seemed to be effective. My brother then said, come here Nae, he would want you here beside him comforting him. I just didn't feel strong enough, but after a little bit of coaxing, I took a couple steps closer and grabbed my dads arm from my brother. I remember holding it with caution (he had a work injury 5 yrs prior, and had lots of pain in his joints specifically in his left hand--the one I was holding). I rubbed his whole arm, and gently held onto his arm and whispered shhh... its okay Dad, were all here now. I'm not sure if it was the medecine or if it was all of us that calmed my dad. All I know is there was a noticeably more comfortable man in front of me. He was no longer responsive, and I couldn't believe it.. what a change of events from less than a week prior. I wanted to spend that night in the hospital room with my dad, but my family urged me to let myself get some rest and stay at the hotel. I was about 5 months pregnant with our little Noah, and they were concerned for my well being. None of us slept much at the hotel, and the next morning we found ourselves in the same room, with my dad being the focus. We decided that maybe it would be best if the younger kids went home, so my sister in law brought them back to Windom. Then we waited. We laughed, and talked about some great stories involving my dad. He was a true story teller, and just like me.. he loved to make people laugh. Sometimes he would say the most ridiculous things, but they were hilarious!! I was sitting at the foot of his bed, my uncle Ray had just finished telling a story my dad had shared with him. I had one eye on my dad at all times.. and I saw him steadily breathe in and then breathe back out-- until just in that moment, there was no more inhaling. I watched for a couple of seconds, until I stood up with tears in my eyes -- I announced, he's not breathing anymore and bolted out of the room to find a nurse. There was a nurse right in front of me as soon as I opened the door, and she must have known. She just immediately hugged me, and I said But my dad.. and she said I know honey. We walked back in the room, and everyone was hugging and crying. Matt gave me the biggest hug of my life and just held me saying "I'm so sorry Nae, I'm so sorry.." And just like that, we said our goodbyes. Mom and I were the last ones in the room with him, and I just didn't feel ready to go yet. She walked towards the door and I followed. I turned around and said "You know Dad, I'm gonna make you proud. I'm going to be a really good mommy, but I need your help"... I told him I loved him and walked out the door.....
When I write it out, it just feels so surreal... the memories are so vivid. When someone passes away, thats when we decide to give them kind compliments and share fond memories. A lot of people didn't get to meet my dad so they don't really know the kind of man he was. Some people did get to meet him, and they got to see the good, bad and the ugly. The truth is, my dad was one of my best friends. We were really close. My older brother and younger sister would say that our relationship was close to a fault. He gave into my whiny ways and allowed me to have whatever I pleased :) I was a daddys girl. My dad also suffered from alcoholism, which meant we didn't always have the best relationship. He was not himself when he was heavily influenced or on drinking binges. He was more angry, not in an abusive or aggressive way, just angry with his words. My mom is the one who got the most of his drunken rages. It was really his words that could cut like a knife. She stood by him regardless, and I know she put up with a lot. I admire her for being such a strong women. My dad would go on drinking binges and be unreliable or just unavailable. Then he would go through a sobering up period where he would be sick, and then he would be normal dad again. We never knew how long it would last. When my dad was drinking, his right from wrong meter would go way out of whack. His biggest offense was taking our family vehicle and drinking and driving. He went to jail on several different occasions--- all for the same reason.. Driving While Intoxicated. I didn't grow up wearing this on my sleeve, not something I was real proud of. But while he was in jail, he would get time to think about life clearly. He would write me letters.. and I still have all of them -somewhere-... In one of his letters he wrote "Your ma tells me you don't think I like you.. I love you my girl, and I always will. This drinking is a disease, not because I don't love you". I'm just thankful I have those words in my dads handwriting... it helps a girl with insecurities get by every now and again. By God's grace, my dad was on one of his longest spurts of sobriety before he got sick. Our family was in unison and our last memories with him are some of the best ones.
So when I talk about my dad, I'm not saying he was a saint. He was a good man, and he would help anyone. He would give the shirt off his back if it meant helping someone in need. He loved my family, especially my mom. My family has never been the I love you type, but my dad would tell me how much my mom meant to him. He confided in me like I was a friend sometimes. I miss our talks and dinos diner lunch dates (and yea.. that place is closed now.. haha). But I am forever thankful for some of lifes lessons that I was able to learn from him. Specifically, the life lesson on being powerless. Sometimes there are situations in life that render us powerless (for example, the hold alcohol had on my dad, or how powerless I felt with Kendras cochlear implant last week). Just because I don't have power over certain situations, does not mean they are hopeless!! My hope is in the Lord, and he is mighty and full of power.
My past makes me who I am today. I like to think of myself as a kind, compassionate, easy to love person. I have seen a lot and been through a lot, its my experiences in life that allow me to know how to be there for people. Life isn't always easy, it sure hasn't been for me. No matter what else this life has in store for me, I know it is all for good reason.
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