I am not always perfect, and I dont't strive to be. I dont like to do things that I'm not good at. I am not very good at drawing, so I don't do it. My baking skills are less than desirable, so I avoid it. I just don't have a ton of patience for things that do not come naturally for me. If there is one thing that I had to peg myself for being good at, its being a mommy.
Being a mom can be hard work. It isn't always easy to make the right decisions, and sometimes I don't. I raise my voice and later regret it, I spend time on the internet keeping up on my favorite blogs and I often check facebook. There are days I can't wait for my husband to come home, just so I can not feel completely responsible to respond to every cry, every whine, every fight amongst the kids and every juice request. It's crazy that I still feel so confident and proud of the way I mother my children. I think its because my kids smile and they laugh. They make messes and sometimes clean them up. They color pictures (on the walls and on paper). My kids are happy. They do "normal" kid things. They do things that drive me up the wall, you know, "normal" kid things. I'm guilty of sometimes expecting them to "know" better. But I think what makes me a great mom, is at the end of the day, I know the difference. I know how to say I'm sorry, admit I'm wrong and back down to my kids despite how intimidating I can be to them. I don't NEED to back down, I'm way bigger and WAY more intimidating. But... the truth is, I do. Sometimes they are right.
Noah is brilliant. I know every kid has there strengths, and my Noah has a lot of them. He reads like a champ, memorizes without much hassle and best of all, he LOVES people. He enjoys people company and pays attention to the little things. He remembers what makes people happy and he uses those resources to do just that, make others happy. Noah knows what fills my mommy love tank. He reads books to his siblings and he carries Aubree and Baylee. He bounces them to make them content and he gives them sweet and soft kisses. He is 6. He is the first time I have parented a 6 year old and I am simply ecstatic at his character. This is not to say that he does not drive me nuts, because he does. He is "normal" and kids just have a way of driving adults nuts.
It's the wonder in their eyes and the desire they have to experiment. They are constantly learning, they don't know it all. They are WILLING and WANTING to know more. Really, I'm jealous of my kids' passion and desire to seek and do ALL things. I was just talking this morning to a friend about how resourceful kids really are. Her almost 2 year old likes to use a little toy car as his "stepping stool". How brilliant (and quite dangerous, I might add), but how RESOURCEFUL!!! Kids are beautiful, all of them.
This leads me to why I feel I'm such a good mama. I love kids. ALL kids. I always have, probably always will. I like to play with them and read to them. I love to hug them and love on them. I do Hi-5's and love to exchange smiles. I'm a tickle monster and I'm a peek-a-booer. I strive to be 75 and still trying to win the hearts of the little ones. Most of all, I'm good at it. I really am, despite when I let the devil in my head to convince me that I COULD and SHOULD be so much better. NOOOOO WAAYY, because I am amazing.
Kendra is a sweetie pie, and definitely a smart cookie. She reminds me of myself, a mama at such a young age. She wants to care for her little sisters and she is always wanting to help. She likes to fill up water cups for her siblings at supper time, and she almost always puts up a fight to say our mealtime prayer. Sure, she tattles and whines when she doesn't get her way. Sure enough, I did that when I was young. She is "normal". She sings songs and she dances, she loves to wear dresses and twirl. She likes to feel pretty and its important for her to feel loved. Yep, she is her mamas girl :)
Miles has a lot of personality, but it takes a while to see it. He can be quiet and shy, but just wait til you get to know him!! He likes to watch movies and play with action heroes. We can always talk him into sharing. He carries around barbies and dollies and plays with his sister. Of course he climbs as high as he can and nearly sends me into cardiac arrest at the playgrounds, but he is "normal".
I love my kids and I wouldn't have had 5 of them if I wasn't good at being a mommy. Remember, I don't do things I'm not good at. Call it a fault, but it's really the truth. It's not always convenient, its not easy and its not always fun to make the hard decisions, but it is most definitely worth it.
It's time for some honesty, because that is what I do. I share my raw emotions and it's at the risk of others thinking "oh geesh, that woman is crazy". Every mom I know has a little bit of crazy in them, and guess what, I AM PROUD OF YOU!! We are selfless, sometimes sleepless and that leaves us a bit senseless. If I were Webster making the dictionary, those characteristics would most definitely be in there. Mommy's we are "normal".
Three days ago, I wasn't feeling so "normal". I have been watching the twins grown, loving on them and noticing there every facial feature develop and the sweet personality of each of them pour out. They really do give me a lot of joy. I had been noticing that Baylee is very quick to startle. If you click a pen, she hears it. Quietly shut the door and she will take a deep breath. Aubree was really hit or miss on these things. She would startle when her sister would cry and other times as well, but not every time Baylee did. I started to get concerned when she was about 4 weeks old. Bear in mind, she is 7 1/2 weeks old right now. I started to really focus on it and try to pin point why there would be such a difference, surely this was "normal" as Aubree passed her hearing screening. Finally, after letting it consume me for a week, I contacted our audiologist and made another appointment. I just wanted to be sure that all was well, especially given our history. On Friday, we got her in for an appointment and mommys instinct was right. She did not do well on her ABR. Her brain responses to sound were not consistent in either of her ears, which led us to the diagnosis of Auditory Neuropathy. Look it up, its intense to understand much less explain! You would think with having our first three have three different levels of loss, we would pretty much be experts. Not so much. This is whole different ball of wax. From what I'm comprehending, Aubree is likely hearing intermittently.. which would explain why she sometimes does not startle and other times does. I grieved Friday night, after a LOONG day at the audiologist. Even though she is amazing and funny and smart and easy to get along with, it was a long day. Aubree was sent home with hearing aids (not so much ironic as I think divine intervention that someone donated little tiny pink baby hearing aids last week). When I called my mom to check in, it was the first time I had spoke the words that Aubree was not hearing right and I broke down. It was hard to say, especially after having elated joy when she did indeed pass her last screening. I'm still a little heartbroken, who wouldn't be. I think it's "normal" to want the best and easiest life for your kids. Isn't that one of my characteristics that makes me a good mom? I felt sick to my stomach that we would actually get as far as having passed hearing tests for both girls, only to have Aubree struggling to hear.
The good news is........... as my wise husband said, take a good hard look at Noah, Kendra and Miles. They are remarkably smart and resilient and kind and loving. We know how to work hard and give our kids a great life. We've already built some great foundation for happy and healthy lives. I KNOW we can do it again.
I'm really not ready to see people and talk about this without crying or getting emotional. Truth. That doesn't mean that I'm depressed and overcome with sadness. It just means I'm still getting used to this and I'm an emotional soul. Doesn't that make me "normal"?
I couldn't be more proud to be Noah, Kendra, Miles, Aubree and Baylee's mommy. I am so thankful that God gave them to me to raise and love. I am thankful that God made me to be strong enough to handle it all, and I'm glad he gave me such an amazing support system. Thank you friends, for being there for me and taking the time to understand where my heart is. I truly love you all!
Monday, December 23, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
There's a new rule at the Steffen house!
I'm a mommy to 5 now!!! Wowsers, crazy to think. Aubree Ashley and Baylee Renae joined us in this big, big world 13 days ago. Were all doing really well!!! Really, we are. Today is Matt's first day back to work, it's past noon, and EVERYONE got to eat lunch!! Wahooooo!!! I'm extremely thankful for my church family, because they have been taking care of us when it comes to meals.
When I look at the girls, it's really hard to believe that they were inside my tummy two weeks ago. My youngest brother shakes his head and says "They must have been curled up in a complete ball for both of them to fit in there!!" I agree. Aubree weighed 7 pounds and Baylee weighed 6 lbs 8 oz. I was VERY happy with there size. The Sunday before I had them, I was out raking leaves with the family... which means I got to be the "bag holder" as the kids packed the leaves that Matt raked into the bags that I held. We could almost start a little family business! My kids do good work ;)
We went in early Wednesday morning for my C-section. Surprisingly, I actually got a decent night sleep on Tuesday -- which is unusual for my worry wart self. The problem with planned C-sections is, once you've had one, you know too much. If your anything like me, you get through one mind obstacle and then wait for the next. Matt and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m., right on the nose. We were escorted to our lovely 10x10 home for the next few days and made ourselves comfy ;). I put on the beautiful (ha) gown they had laid out for me and rested in the hospital bed. There are 4 things about the procedure that have always given me anxiety:
HOWEVER!!!! This experience was nothing I pictured. My husband always says that I worry too much. Smart, smart man! He is right, not saying I won't worry as much -- because that would be a blatant lie. Sorry, its in my DNA to OVER-think. This time though, my IV was taped in such a way that I actually could move my arm and would forget that it was there. I don't even remember feeling the liquid passing through my veins. So the nasty drink, yea that was still nasty -- no improvement there, but the epidural :) One poke, she was in!!! Hardly even felt the "bee sting". Glorious!!!! Last,
but not least, after Aubree was born -- she was screaming. One of the doctors said, "Look at all that
dark hair" and then one minute later Baylee was born. With twins in the O.R., there is two little baby stations side by side. Aubree was back in the corner, where all of my other kids went when they were born to be checked out. When Baylee was born, she was taken to another station that I had a front row seat to. She was beautiful. I watched the nurse wipe her down, chart some information, clean her up, wrap her up... it just changed the whole process for me. I was wheeled off to the recovery room, feeling fulfilled.
The first day in the hospital, beyond anything I've already shared is a blur. Honestly, when we got the hospital birth record in the mail, I asked Matt whose fingerprint was take cease even though it said mothers right index finger, I was certain that nobody had taken my fingerprint. Matt just laughs at me, and assures me that I was just incredibly sleepy that first day.
On Thursday, I was much more alert. I Was up and moving around Wednesday night, by Thursday morning I couldn't wait to shower and go for a walk. The morning nurse on Thursday told us that Aubree had her hearing screened, but did not pass. She also mentioned that she was a little fussy during that time, so they would test it again. The hearing screening when they are born requires the babies to be sleeping or at least very, very calm in order for it to be accurate. They mentioned that Baylee was not tested yet, because she did not stay settled for very long so they did not try. They told me when my milk came in, the girls would be more content in there sleep, so they would test again later. On Friday evening, we told the night nurse to go ahead and take them one at a time for their hearing screening, regardless to whether or not we had visitors. First, they took Aubree. She was sleeping and it seemed that she was in a deep enough sleep that she would stay that way. When they brought her back to us, the nurse informed us that, again, she referred on both sides. She did not pass. We said ok, and told her to go ahead and test Baylee. I was not heartbroken at the results. Aubree was startling to noises, would wake up when her sister fussed and I just felt like IF she struggled to hear, her loss was not that severe. I think in an attempt to save my heart from any extra grief, my husband did not say much about Aubrees hearing. He didn't feed into my inklings, and didn't want to give me any false hope. Baylee, on the other hand, startled to WAY more things. If we clicked a pen, she flinched. If a door was shut, she startled. When they wheeled Bay back from her screening with a piece of paper (which I had never seen before) indicating that she passed on both ears, I was not that shocked. I was happy and I was sad. We had a room full of guests and I didn't really know how to react, so I just went to my happy place and rejoiced in the love we had in the room. Two amazing and supportive girlfriends, who had both taken extra special care in the form of play dates of our big kids that day and my brother and sister in law with my niece.
When everybody left, I busted into tears. I stood in Matts arms and just cried and cried. If one of them needed special ears, I wanted both of them to need them. That probably sounds like the wrong way to look at it, but it was how I felt. Twins get compared so much already.
We got to go home on Saturday, and we were ready! We took care of a lot of business when we got home. Added the twins to our health insurance, got there birth certificates and scheduled an appointment with our regular audiology team in Mankato. Aubree needed to have a re check on her ears before we could move forward to the next test, which would tell us how much she could really hear. Last Thursday was our big day out of the house :). To our amazement, in just 1 minute 17 seconds of Aubree cuddling her dad and screening her right ear, we hear "she passed". Huh?? It was time to do the left side. About 6 really, REALLY LoNg minutes later we hear "pass". So Matt says, "do we need to do the test again?" The lady helping us laughs and says no... Matt says "are you sure she passed? Renae, are we testing the right kid?"
With some more tears shed, in disbelief, we celebrated the fact that BOTH girls could HEAR!! I had a mommy feeling about it. This was one of Gods ways of telling me "I got your back" because worry wart Renae was not sure she wanted to have 4 kids, because if that one child could hear normally, that child would really be the odd ball. So of course, we have twins ;). We will still keep an eye on their hearing and make sure that they don't have a progressive loss, one that changes over time. And if they do,we will handle it happily.
Funny story... We told Noah that the twins both passed their hearing test. He said "what?? There test must have been easier than mine!" That competitive little boy just melts my heart.
There is a new rule at the Steffen house.. Don't ring my door bell!!
When I look at the girls, it's really hard to believe that they were inside my tummy two weeks ago. My youngest brother shakes his head and says "They must have been curled up in a complete ball for both of them to fit in there!!" I agree. Aubree weighed 7 pounds and Baylee weighed 6 lbs 8 oz. I was VERY happy with there size. The Sunday before I had them, I was out raking leaves with the family... which means I got to be the "bag holder" as the kids packed the leaves that Matt raked into the bags that I held. We could almost start a little family business! My kids do good work ;)
We went in early Wednesday morning for my C-section. Surprisingly, I actually got a decent night sleep on Tuesday -- which is unusual for my worry wart self. The problem with planned C-sections is, once you've had one, you know too much. If your anything like me, you get through one mind obstacle and then wait for the next. Matt and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m., right on the nose. We were escorted to our lovely 10x10 home for the next few days and made ourselves comfy ;). I put on the beautiful (ha) gown they had laid out for me and rested in the hospital bed. There are 4 things about the procedure that have always given me anxiety:
- The IV. The insertion of it and the cold sensation that I feel when the fluids pump through my veins.
- The yucky drink that you have to choke down. I don't even know what its called, probably nasty... because that is the only way to describe it. If you could see my eyes shudder and shoulders shake just thinking about this stuff. BLEH!
- The epidural. One bad experience with one of those and the idea of it makes me sweat in the freezing cold operating room.
- When your sweet little bundle of joy is born, ta-da, there is a new star in the show. Off goes your husband, see ya later sweet nurse who helped get you this far and hello curtain that (thankfully) blocks off all activity on your tummy, but (unfortunately) makes it impossible to see your sweet new bundle of joy.
HOWEVER!!!! This experience was nothing I pictured. My husband always says that I worry too much. Smart, smart man! He is right, not saying I won't worry as much -- because that would be a blatant lie. Sorry, its in my DNA to OVER-think. This time though, my IV was taped in such a way that I actually could move my arm and would forget that it was there. I don't even remember feeling the liquid passing through my veins. So the nasty drink, yea that was still nasty -- no improvement there, but the epidural :) One poke, she was in!!! Hardly even felt the "bee sting". Glorious!!!! Last,
but not least, after Aubree was born -- she was screaming. One of the doctors said, "Look at all that
dark hair" and then one minute later Baylee was born. With twins in the O.R., there is two little baby stations side by side. Aubree was back in the corner, where all of my other kids went when they were born to be checked out. When Baylee was born, she was taken to another station that I had a front row seat to. She was beautiful. I watched the nurse wipe her down, chart some information, clean her up, wrap her up... it just changed the whole process for me. I was wheeled off to the recovery room, feeling fulfilled.
The first day in the hospital, beyond anything I've already shared is a blur. Honestly, when we got the hospital birth record in the mail, I asked Matt whose fingerprint was take cease even though it said mothers right index finger, I was certain that nobody had taken my fingerprint. Matt just laughs at me, and assures me that I was just incredibly sleepy that first day.
On Thursday, I was much more alert. I Was up and moving around Wednesday night, by Thursday morning I couldn't wait to shower and go for a walk. The morning nurse on Thursday told us that Aubree had her hearing screened, but did not pass. She also mentioned that she was a little fussy during that time, so they would test it again. The hearing screening when they are born requires the babies to be sleeping or at least very, very calm in order for it to be accurate. They mentioned that Baylee was not tested yet, because she did not stay settled for very long so they did not try. They told me when my milk came in, the girls would be more content in there sleep, so they would test again later. On Friday evening, we told the night nurse to go ahead and take them one at a time for their hearing screening, regardless to whether or not we had visitors. First, they took Aubree. She was sleeping and it seemed that she was in a deep enough sleep that she would stay that way. When they brought her back to us, the nurse informed us that, again, she referred on both sides. She did not pass. We said ok, and told her to go ahead and test Baylee. I was not heartbroken at the results. Aubree was startling to noises, would wake up when her sister fussed and I just felt like IF she struggled to hear, her loss was not that severe. I think in an attempt to save my heart from any extra grief, my husband did not say much about Aubrees hearing. He didn't feed into my inklings, and didn't want to give me any false hope. Baylee, on the other hand, startled to WAY more things. If we clicked a pen, she flinched. If a door was shut, she startled. When they wheeled Bay back from her screening with a piece of paper (which I had never seen before) indicating that she passed on both ears, I was not that shocked. I was happy and I was sad. We had a room full of guests and I didn't really know how to react, so I just went to my happy place and rejoiced in the love we had in the room. Two amazing and supportive girlfriends, who had both taken extra special care in the form of play dates of our big kids that day and my brother and sister in law with my niece.
When everybody left, I busted into tears. I stood in Matts arms and just cried and cried. If one of them needed special ears, I wanted both of them to need them. That probably sounds like the wrong way to look at it, but it was how I felt. Twins get compared so much already.
We got to go home on Saturday, and we were ready! We took care of a lot of business when we got home. Added the twins to our health insurance, got there birth certificates and scheduled an appointment with our regular audiology team in Mankato. Aubree needed to have a re check on her ears before we could move forward to the next test, which would tell us how much she could really hear. Last Thursday was our big day out of the house :). To our amazement, in just 1 minute 17 seconds of Aubree cuddling her dad and screening her right ear, we hear "she passed". Huh?? It was time to do the left side. About 6 really, REALLY LoNg minutes later we hear "pass". So Matt says, "do we need to do the test again?" The lady helping us laughs and says no... Matt says "are you sure she passed? Renae, are we testing the right kid?"
With some more tears shed, in disbelief, we celebrated the fact that BOTH girls could HEAR!! I had a mommy feeling about it. This was one of Gods ways of telling me "I got your back" because worry wart Renae was not sure she wanted to have 4 kids, because if that one child could hear normally, that child would really be the odd ball. So of course, we have twins ;). We will still keep an eye on their hearing and make sure that they don't have a progressive loss, one that changes over time. And if they do,we will handle it happily.
Funny story... We told Noah that the twins both passed their hearing test. He said "what?? There test must have been easier than mine!" That competitive little boy just melts my heart.
There is a new rule at the Steffen house.. Don't ring my door bell!!
Monday, September 30, 2013
What are the odds...
Its hard to believe that I just switched my dry erase calendar over to October. A day early, but none-the-less upon us. I love the fall weather, 70 degree days make me happy, and so does opening the windows in my house and letting fresh air in. My husband has banned me from raking the leaves anymore, but that's maybe the one thing I could live without. It seems that I have the only house on the whole block that could use a good rake-job EVERYDAY!!!
How am I feeling...? I feel mostly capable, but tired easily. My mom has this whole month off, so it has been nice to go and watch movies and lay on her couch :). My tummy makes it hard for me to sleep well, and I'm afraid if I roll too much to the middle of my bed, I will get stuck!! Seriously, I get a little bit of anxiety about it. Week 33 is underway and I'm to the point in my pregnancy where I go to the Doctor every week.
My blog address is "whatrtheodds" = what are the odds? I'm pretty sure that my family is a good old fashioned case of "odd- breakers". I found a stat that said in 2010, twins accounted for 3.3% of the births in the United States. It would only be natural that our family would be chosen to have twins :). There is a 30% chance that the girls will be identical. If they are identical, they will share the same hearing future, whether it be fully hearing, deaf, or anything in-between. If they are not identical, they each have their own different 25% chance of having hearing issues. I wondered what the odds would be of a fully hearing couple, (carrying the connexion 26 gene mutation like Matt and do) passing down the "bad" gene for 5 offspring? Sure enough, I can't find any data on that ;). Lets just say, the ODDS must be low. Throughout this pregnancy, I have seldom worried about the twins' hearing. I have figured that letting myself be grief stricken and worried would not be beneficial to their health or mine. In addition to not wanting to be plagued by the "odds", I really have found some peace in the fact that God will carry me through. Its getting so close, and I have dreams that go both
ways. I dream of the nurse coming in and telling me that they both fail their newborn hearing test, I duck my head down and smile with tears streaming down my face and thank her. Then, I dream that the same nurse comes in, and she tells me that they PASSED!! Again, I duck my head down and smile with tears streaming down my face and thank her. My emotions are definitely times 2 with these beautiful little babies.
Noah, Kendra and Miles are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of some new babies. Noah is such a big help already. As you can imagine, sometimes it can be difficult to help Miles and Kendra get their shoes on etc.. and he is so helpful. Have you ever thought about writing your oldest child an apology note, letting them know how deeply sorry you are that they have to bare with you as you have never parented a ____ year old before? I mean honestly, there are so many times I say to Noah, HEY-- you know better than that! Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't? Or.. please Noah, can you just let Kendra have that color crayon, she will put it down before you know it :) I reason with him, because I'm surviving sometimes. I just don't want to listen to the tantrum and I EXPECT the older
child to be able to handle the situation and give up whatever might rightfully be his. I definitely think that birth order has a lot to do with my kids' character, right now. I'm glad that I'm more aware of this situation, because I don't want him to resent his siblings or feel "less-than" them. However, he gave me such a confidence boost this morning when he said to me "Hey Mom... Me, Kendra and Miles all have your pretty smile. I hope when we all get big we have your pretty heart too." This conversation set me into tears. It stemmed from our Friday after school talk. He has received his first apology letters from a classmate who does not want to keep his hands to himself. Apparently the boy likes to knock off Noah's CI and laugh about it. Noah was visibly worn down about it on Friday, it was two days in a row of this boy taking away his ability to USE a basic sense that the average person would not know how to function without - hearing. Noah asked me why the boy wouldn't stop, even though the teacher had asked him to. I didn't know how to answer that, because it frustrated me and I really don't know why? I just told him to try not to be bothered by the boy and to pray for him. I told Noah that he has such a pretty heart, that he has the ability to forgive people that don't even want to be forgiven. Noah then told me that I have a pretty heart too, because I love everybody, even boys who
hurt my little Noahs feelings. Six years old.. wise beyond his years :)
Kendra and Miles are doing very well academically. School is a highlight to Kendras day and Miles looks forward to his language therapy visits. I am thankful that Miles is testing extremely well and it is looking like he is not delayed in ANY area!!!!! Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!!! :) That makes me feel sooooo much better about the fact that twins are coming really soon, and I do NOT want to have to worry about being awake, showered and with a clean home for home visits ;).
Overall, I am feeling pretty good. I know that I'm carrying around nearly 10 pounds of baby, so I am trying to take it easy on myself. I've always been guilty of reaching and not really being satisfied. I always want to be MORE, have more, do MORE! I have to admit, this has been such a growing experience for me. I have definitely been trying to be conscious of all the wonderful things that I am! I have soooo much to be thankful for and I AM enough. Just as I am, I am enough. I hope the positive thoughts and feelings keep rushing my mind. I am, I am, I AM!!!
How am I feeling...? I feel mostly capable, but tired easily. My mom has this whole month off, so it has been nice to go and watch movies and lay on her couch :). My tummy makes it hard for me to sleep well, and I'm afraid if I roll too much to the middle of my bed, I will get stuck!! Seriously, I get a little bit of anxiety about it. Week 33 is underway and I'm to the point in my pregnancy where I go to the Doctor every week.
My blog address is "whatrtheodds" = what are the odds? I'm pretty sure that my family is a good old fashioned case of "odd- breakers". I found a stat that said in 2010, twins accounted for 3.3% of the births in the United States. It would only be natural that our family would be chosen to have twins :). There is a 30% chance that the girls will be identical. If they are identical, they will share the same hearing future, whether it be fully hearing, deaf, or anything in-between. If they are not identical, they each have their own different 25% chance of having hearing issues. I wondered what the odds would be of a fully hearing couple, (carrying the connexion 26 gene mutation like Matt and do) passing down the "bad" gene for 5 offspring? Sure enough, I can't find any data on that ;). Lets just say, the ODDS must be low. Throughout this pregnancy, I have seldom worried about the twins' hearing. I have figured that letting myself be grief stricken and worried would not be beneficial to their health or mine. In addition to not wanting to be plagued by the "odds", I really have found some peace in the fact that God will carry me through. Its getting so close, and I have dreams that go both
ways. I dream of the nurse coming in and telling me that they both fail their newborn hearing test, I duck my head down and smile with tears streaming down my face and thank her. Then, I dream that the same nurse comes in, and she tells me that they PASSED!! Again, I duck my head down and smile with tears streaming down my face and thank her. My emotions are definitely times 2 with these beautiful little babies.
Noah, Kendra and Miles are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of some new babies. Noah is such a big help already. As you can imagine, sometimes it can be difficult to help Miles and Kendra get their shoes on etc.. and he is so helpful. Have you ever thought about writing your oldest child an apology note, letting them know how deeply sorry you are that they have to bare with you as you have never parented a ____ year old before? I mean honestly, there are so many times I say to Noah, HEY-- you know better than that! Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't? Or.. please Noah, can you just let Kendra have that color crayon, she will put it down before you know it :) I reason with him, because I'm surviving sometimes. I just don't want to listen to the tantrum and I EXPECT the older
child to be able to handle the situation and give up whatever might rightfully be his. I definitely think that birth order has a lot to do with my kids' character, right now. I'm glad that I'm more aware of this situation, because I don't want him to resent his siblings or feel "less-than" them. However, he gave me such a confidence boost this morning when he said to me "Hey Mom... Me, Kendra and Miles all have your pretty smile. I hope when we all get big we have your pretty heart too." This conversation set me into tears. It stemmed from our Friday after school talk. He has received his first apology letters from a classmate who does not want to keep his hands to himself. Apparently the boy likes to knock off Noah's CI and laugh about it. Noah was visibly worn down about it on Friday, it was two days in a row of this boy taking away his ability to USE a basic sense that the average person would not know how to function without - hearing. Noah asked me why the boy wouldn't stop, even though the teacher had asked him to. I didn't know how to answer that, because it frustrated me and I really don't know why? I just told him to try not to be bothered by the boy and to pray for him. I told Noah that he has such a pretty heart, that he has the ability to forgive people that don't even want to be forgiven. Noah then told me that I have a pretty heart too, because I love everybody, even boys who
hurt my little Noahs feelings. Six years old.. wise beyond his years :)
Kendra and Miles are doing very well academically. School is a highlight to Kendras day and Miles looks forward to his language therapy visits. I am thankful that Miles is testing extremely well and it is looking like he is not delayed in ANY area!!!!! Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate!!! :) That makes me feel sooooo much better about the fact that twins are coming really soon, and I do NOT want to have to worry about being awake, showered and with a clean home for home visits ;).
Overall, I am feeling pretty good. I know that I'm carrying around nearly 10 pounds of baby, so I am trying to take it easy on myself. I've always been guilty of reaching and not really being satisfied. I always want to be MORE, have more, do MORE! I have to admit, this has been such a growing experience for me. I have definitely been trying to be conscious of all the wonderful things that I am! I have soooo much to be thankful for and I AM enough. Just as I am, I am enough. I hope the positive thoughts and feelings keep rushing my mind. I am, I am, I AM!!!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
dah dah dahhhhh....
For starters, week 28 of the Steffen Family TWIN pregnancy is underway!! I will refer to it as a "family" pregnancy because.. when mama suffers, everyone suffers ;) Truly, I'm not suffering. However, on almost a daily basis I cry out to my husband, letting him know that my body is not happy with me! I've heard from several people that I don't look like I'm having twins, and thank you for that :) I happen to feel like an apartment complex as opposed to a single story HOUSE -- which is how I felt with all three prior pregnancies. According to my last Dr. appointment, which was two weeks ago, I was indeed measuring 38 weeks PG and that happens to be what I measured when I delivered my last two children!!! How is that for alarming?? It has been encouraging that I have not yet gained too much weight, yet the twins are growing quite well -- above the 50th percentile as compared to singletons. Sometimes I read pregnancy blogs (ok, so ALL the time is what I should be admitting to) and it really helps me to feel "normal". Whatever that is! My favorite knee slapper was just the other night when I was feeling completely out of shape and envious of my family members. I watch my kids skip effortlessly up our 13 steps to our 2nd level in our home. Yes, I've counted on numerous occasions and 13 is a LOT of steps right now!! My husband even skips a step as he conquers his way up. I, on the other hand, almost need a halftime break when I get to step 7. At that point I look back down and think to myself, is this really worth it?? Them I mumble under my breath something to the likes of "I better not forget to get whatever it is that I'm coming up here for" ;). Go ahead, have a good laugh with me about this one. Admittedly, I am so scatterbrained -- so back to my story about the pregnancy blogs. One lady wrote about her 28th week of pregnancy and was talking about her fatigue. She mentioned how she has always enjoyed taking her dog out for walks and how it was a good way for her to get some exercise and how she enjoyed staying physically active. Of course she enjoyed it until.. dah dah dahhhhh the 28th week of twin pregnancy. This week, she started out on her regular walk and called her husband to pick her and the dog up while they were on their walk. The best part about this story was that she was only halfway around the block :). I know everyone handles pregnancy a little different, but for me, that story is what I needed to hear!
Noah started 1st grade a week ago, and Kendra started her first full year of "3 year old" pre-school! They both were REALLY excited to go to school, they love it! I really enjoy both of there teachers. Yesterday, Matt and I brought Noah to an audiologist appointment in Fairmont. Usually we go to Mankato, but our audiologist was filling in for her dad in Fairmont and since its a closer drive for us, she let us have his follow up appointment for his new hearing aid there. Lets just say it stirred up some old emotions for me.
I'm about to go waaayyy back, and honestly as poor as my memory has been lately, I can't believe this is coming back so clear to me. When Noah was born, he did not pass his birth hearing screening. The nurses assured us that the technology was newer and we would just have to go somewhere else to have it further evaluated. We were not worried. When Noah was 7 days old, we packed up our car and traveled from St. James to Sioux Falls to see who we were referred to. We made lunch plans with Matts younger brother Jared, we were going to meet him at I-hop after we took care of this silly hearing thingy that they were making us do. I wasn't in the least prepared for that day. All we found out at that appointment was that yes, Noah did have a problem hearing, but the degree to the problem was not what they specialized in.. we needed to see someone else to know just WHAT he could hear. I sat in the back seat of the car with my sweet, little, chunky almost 10 pound, week old Noah. My husband drove and I threw my hands over my eyes and cried. What would this mean for us?? What would this mean for Noah? Why? Matt watched me from the rear view mirror, with just a couple of tears and said "It's going to be ok, babe". I felt sick and mad and sad. I was so bitter, and couldn't understand why? What did I do wrong?? I wiped my tears and went to lunch at I-hop.
I wasn't really sure where to go from there, and didn't really feel directed. So I talked to my Dr. and he sent me where he knew best. That lady sent me to a clinic in Fairmont. Noah was about 3 months old when we finally got him to the right place that could tell us how much he was hearing. I pressed on, wanting answers. I met a sweet audiologist in Fairmont, who told me that my sons hearing was just past the point of him being able to help me to the fullest. I asked him where to go to give him the best that could be offered, and where I could find the most information -- and he gave me a couple of names. I asked him if he had a son/daughter, where would he take them? He told me that he would go to his daughter in Mankato -- and we have been there ever since.
Yesterday was like a big time wake up call. It was like, wow... remember all that uncertainty? Matt, who doesn't remember his middle name, recognized the room we went to. It was the same, unchanged room from 6 years ago. And here I am, expecting two new babies in just a couple of months, with that exact same uncertainty. Sometimes people ask me if I think they can hear.. and the truth is, I have NO idea. They are sooo active, that sometimes I play mind tricks on myself. I think, oh my, I wonder if they heard that?? Well of course they are more active, because there are two in there and there has got to be territorial fighting happening. I'm not sure what to think, so I try not to think about it at all. If they can't hear when they come out, I know what to do this time. I know exactly where to go, I know exactly who is going to hold me in the middle of the night when I am crying and can't make sense of it all. Yes, I will be a little bit sad. 1st Peter reminds me that Grief and trials come to us to show that our faith is genuine. This encourages me to honor God, and I try to look to Him for comfort. I'm human, so naturally I worry and get caught up in my emotions. We took Noah to Pizza Ranch (his favorite) before his appointment. Noah sat there, eating all his favorites: Mashed potatoes with corn on it, coleslaw and sausage pizza. He was so innocent, and sweet. He is my little warrior prince, who set the way before his brothers and sisters and will show them that everything will be ok. I chuckled to my husband, "people can't help but try to figure out what is on his head" -- I was referring to his cochlear implant and his hearing aid. He smirked back and told me that he doesn't even notice it anymore. Truthfully, I don't usually pay that much attention either. I'm not sure why I noticed the long glances, and the pointed fingers. I'm not offended, and it doesn't bother me. It used to, but I let that go a LOOOONNNG time ago. I joked to my husband "too bad we don't have the whole gang here so they could see a whole family just like him".
Sometimes my heart is heavier about this situation, and I'm sure THE 28th WEEK OF TWIN PREGNANCY dah dah dahhhhhh...... is not helping me cope with my emotions that well. I guess I just wanted to share a little more of my heart and a little bit about our journey today. The hearing loss in Noah and then Kendra, followed by Miles is what has encouraged me to lean on the Lord. I can't make sense of everything, but through Him all is right. I would NOT be saved if I would not have had my little champs. My journey is a gift, and I hope that I'm sharing it in the right way. :)
1 Peter 4:10 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering Gods grace in its various forms.
Noah started 1st grade a week ago, and Kendra started her first full year of "3 year old" pre-school! They both were REALLY excited to go to school, they love it! I really enjoy both of there teachers. Yesterday, Matt and I brought Noah to an audiologist appointment in Fairmont. Usually we go to Mankato, but our audiologist was filling in for her dad in Fairmont and since its a closer drive for us, she let us have his follow up appointment for his new hearing aid there. Lets just say it stirred up some old emotions for me.
I'm about to go waaayyy back, and honestly as poor as my memory has been lately, I can't believe this is coming back so clear to me. When Noah was born, he did not pass his birth hearing screening. The nurses assured us that the technology was newer and we would just have to go somewhere else to have it further evaluated. We were not worried. When Noah was 7 days old, we packed up our car and traveled from St. James to Sioux Falls to see who we were referred to. We made lunch plans with Matts younger brother Jared, we were going to meet him at I-hop after we took care of this silly hearing thingy that they were making us do. I wasn't in the least prepared for that day. All we found out at that appointment was that yes, Noah did have a problem hearing, but the degree to the problem was not what they specialized in.. we needed to see someone else to know just WHAT he could hear. I sat in the back seat of the car with my sweet, little, chunky almost 10 pound, week old Noah. My husband drove and I threw my hands over my eyes and cried. What would this mean for us?? What would this mean for Noah? Why? Matt watched me from the rear view mirror, with just a couple of tears and said "It's going to be ok, babe". I felt sick and mad and sad. I was so bitter, and couldn't understand why? What did I do wrong?? I wiped my tears and went to lunch at I-hop.
I wasn't really sure where to go from there, and didn't really feel directed. So I talked to my Dr. and he sent me where he knew best. That lady sent me to a clinic in Fairmont. Noah was about 3 months old when we finally got him to the right place that could tell us how much he was hearing. I pressed on, wanting answers. I met a sweet audiologist in Fairmont, who told me that my sons hearing was just past the point of him being able to help me to the fullest. I asked him where to go to give him the best that could be offered, and where I could find the most information -- and he gave me a couple of names. I asked him if he had a son/daughter, where would he take them? He told me that he would go to his daughter in Mankato -- and we have been there ever since.
Yesterday was like a big time wake up call. It was like, wow... remember all that uncertainty? Matt, who doesn't remember his middle name, recognized the room we went to. It was the same, unchanged room from 6 years ago. And here I am, expecting two new babies in just a couple of months, with that exact same uncertainty. Sometimes people ask me if I think they can hear.. and the truth is, I have NO idea. They are sooo active, that sometimes I play mind tricks on myself. I think, oh my, I wonder if they heard that?? Well of course they are more active, because there are two in there and there has got to be territorial fighting happening. I'm not sure what to think, so I try not to think about it at all. If they can't hear when they come out, I know what to do this time. I know exactly where to go, I know exactly who is going to hold me in the middle of the night when I am crying and can't make sense of it all. Yes, I will be a little bit sad. 1st Peter reminds me that Grief and trials come to us to show that our faith is genuine. This encourages me to honor God, and I try to look to Him for comfort. I'm human, so naturally I worry and get caught up in my emotions. We took Noah to Pizza Ranch (his favorite) before his appointment. Noah sat there, eating all his favorites: Mashed potatoes with corn on it, coleslaw and sausage pizza. He was so innocent, and sweet. He is my little warrior prince, who set the way before his brothers and sisters and will show them that everything will be ok. I chuckled to my husband, "people can't help but try to figure out what is on his head" -- I was referring to his cochlear implant and his hearing aid. He smirked back and told me that he doesn't even notice it anymore. Truthfully, I don't usually pay that much attention either. I'm not sure why I noticed the long glances, and the pointed fingers. I'm not offended, and it doesn't bother me. It used to, but I let that go a LOOOONNNG time ago. I joked to my husband "too bad we don't have the whole gang here so they could see a whole family just like him".
Sometimes my heart is heavier about this situation, and I'm sure THE 28th WEEK OF TWIN PREGNANCY dah dah dahhhhhh...... is not helping me cope with my emotions that well. I guess I just wanted to share a little more of my heart and a little bit about our journey today. The hearing loss in Noah and then Kendra, followed by Miles is what has encouraged me to lean on the Lord. I can't make sense of everything, but through Him all is right. I would NOT be saved if I would not have had my little champs. My journey is a gift, and I hope that I'm sharing it in the right way. :)
1 Peter 4:10 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering Gods grace in its various forms.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Reflecting on 6 years of mommyhood...
Just one more day before my sweet little Noah turns into a six year old.. He's such a happy little boy! He melts my heart with his kind actions and amazes me everyday with his wisdom. Last Wednesday I brought Noah to the audiologist and we ordered him a new hearing aid. I love how technology is ever-evolving and how there seems to always be something to look forward to! Sometimes it can be a bit pricy on the pocket-book, but when it comes to the kids it always feels so worth it! Noah is to an age now where he likes to make decisions for himself, so he picked out a deep red colored hearing aid and his ear mold is going to be camouflage. After his appointment, we went to the mall and did a small amount of shopping -- Noah is not the biggest shopper in the house ;). We completed our "date" day with lunch just him and I at his choice of restaurant in Mankato -- The Pizza Ranch :) Fancy!!!!! hahahaha. It was so nice to spend some quality time with him, and as always, he really appreciated his individual mommy time.
On Friday, we had another appointment but this one was for Kendra and Noah. It was a long afternoon, but my kids were honestly rock stars!!!!! The appointment went from 1 till about 4:15ish and both the kids took turns assessing their hearing in the sound booths. They do one ear at a time, so it definitely takes some patience for all involved. Luckily, we have the worlds BEST audiologist! She is so good with out kids, and we always have a great time with her. After both the kids had some sound booth time, they had their CI's "mapped". The last time Kendra had a CI program change, she FREAKED out!! She had such a hard time with it, was exhausted and it was a nightmare. Its almost amazing how much half a year has changed that little girl :) She was agreeable, patient, and sooo cooperative. I never dreamt her doing so well and being so compliant. We were able to get both ears done in the same session!!!!! Luckily, her program did not need to change much so I can't honestly say that we haven't had any growing pains with this adjustment. I think what excited me the most was how well Noah did with his hearing aid! I'm not really sure if its an age thing or if his hearing has improved or what the deal is, but he was able to access information with his hearing aid side that were pretty sure he was not able to get before. You don't always get good news and easy appointments like the ones we had last week, so I'm soaking it up :) :). Miles is the only one who needs to get in yet. It feels absolutely GREAT to be going in for routine maintenance as opposed to repair and S.O.S moments when equipment is failing or broken.
Miles is such a whipper snapper! I am so proud of his language development and his entertaining personality. We brought all the kids to the movie Despicable me 2 last week. We were going to save it for a treat for Noahs birthday this week, but since uncle Jared was home it just felt right to take them then. Miles and Kendra had never been to the theatre before, so it was especially rewarding to see them engaged and make it through the whole movie. There were a few intense parts in the movie, where the music gets a little loud and you can tell something big is about to happen. Watching Miles' reaction to these moments put me over the top with joy. He was sitting on his dads lap, as sitting in the chair alone makes him a little bit short to see over the seat in front of him :) He would say things like, "Dad!! Look, it's a monster" -- in the language world, that's a pretty big deal for a just under 2 1/2 year old hard of hearing boy!
Kendra enjoyed the movie as well. I bear in mind the fact that her hearing is so significantly worse than Miles that without her CI's, sitting an hour and half through a movie would be very un-entertaining. She would giggle at the funny parts, say things like "be careful" when the characters would do something dangerous and she even adopted a new villain laugh from the movie. She is a little jokester, with a sweet little smile that makes all the hard days worth it -- plus some! When I'm not feeling well, or especially tired its like she tunes right in. She definitely wears pink glasses, compared to my boys seeing through their blue ones. She will cover me up, rub my back, bring me my water bottle and whisper to me as if she completely understands the importance of a soft spoken word.
There is no doubt about it, I am one VERY blessed mommy. I can say that even though I have a 2, 3 and 5 year old behind me having not the friendliest dispute over a toy cash register :) They will work it out, they always do :)
I've been pretty open about a situation I was having with a lady who doesn't believe in our use of CI's for the kids. I feel like if there is ever an interesting situation to be in, I seem to find it. She has said some pretty hurtful things about our choices for medical intervention and how that will change the quality of there life. I responded initially to her e-mail, and of course she almost instantly had another comeback that made me feel an inch high. I really don't know how to handle such intense conversation and have not responded. Lately I've been wondering.. do I leave my phone number and call her? Do I meet with her and let her experience the "Steffen" bug :)? Were contagious, I'm sure of it. One dose of us and she will fall in love and be hooked for life, right??? Wishful thinking, maybe. I've agreed to disagree, even though I sent her a picture of all 3 of my happy kids with one of the CI recipients wearing as shirt that says "Music makes me happy"... which I did not realize the shirt said this until hours after sharing the picture with her. I bet she noticed and thought... "wise guy, eh!" I want to leave it alone and avoid it altogether, but that just doesn't feel right. I guess I will just keep doing what I know best, and support my kids through this journey.
I think somehow I will always end up in the line of fire of negativity. It just seems to be the way my life is geared. I mean, who has 5 kids!?! Such a huge family some might say! Who stays home and does not provide income for a family of that size!?! Not financially savvy a critic might argue. Who in their right mind can sanely raise that many deaf/hard of hearing children!?! -- But I guess the answer for the skeptics is: this tough, God-fearing, Jesus-loving, sensitive, emotional, compassionate, hilarious without a doubt woman right here. Me. I can do it, and I'm doing a pretty good job. Despite the obstacles that come along the way, our family has always risen to the occasion and came out on top. I'm not always the most confident person, but it's hard not to look into the face of my "going to be six years old tomorrow", little boy and just be SUPER proud of all that we have accomplished. Its definitely been an interesting ride, but just knowing where I started the mommy journey to where I am today -- makes me one happy mama!
Thank you to all my supporters!! We could not be this happy without the best family and friends a girl could ask for :)
On Friday, we had another appointment but this one was for Kendra and Noah. It was a long afternoon, but my kids were honestly rock stars!!!!! The appointment went from 1 till about 4:15ish and both the kids took turns assessing their hearing in the sound booths. They do one ear at a time, so it definitely takes some patience for all involved. Luckily, we have the worlds BEST audiologist! She is so good with out kids, and we always have a great time with her. After both the kids had some sound booth time, they had their CI's "mapped". The last time Kendra had a CI program change, she FREAKED out!! She had such a hard time with it, was exhausted and it was a nightmare. Its almost amazing how much half a year has changed that little girl :) She was agreeable, patient, and sooo cooperative. I never dreamt her doing so well and being so compliant. We were able to get both ears done in the same session!!!!! Luckily, her program did not need to change much so I can't honestly say that we haven't had any growing pains with this adjustment. I think what excited me the most was how well Noah did with his hearing aid! I'm not really sure if its an age thing or if his hearing has improved or what the deal is, but he was able to access information with his hearing aid side that were pretty sure he was not able to get before. You don't always get good news and easy appointments like the ones we had last week, so I'm soaking it up :) :). Miles is the only one who needs to get in yet. It feels absolutely GREAT to be going in for routine maintenance as opposed to repair and S.O.S moments when equipment is failing or broken.
Miles is such a whipper snapper! I am so proud of his language development and his entertaining personality. We brought all the kids to the movie Despicable me 2 last week. We were going to save it for a treat for Noahs birthday this week, but since uncle Jared was home it just felt right to take them then. Miles and Kendra had never been to the theatre before, so it was especially rewarding to see them engaged and make it through the whole movie. There were a few intense parts in the movie, where the music gets a little loud and you can tell something big is about to happen. Watching Miles' reaction to these moments put me over the top with joy. He was sitting on his dads lap, as sitting in the chair alone makes him a little bit short to see over the seat in front of him :) He would say things like, "Dad!! Look, it's a monster" -- in the language world, that's a pretty big deal for a just under 2 1/2 year old hard of hearing boy!
Kendra enjoyed the movie as well. I bear in mind the fact that her hearing is so significantly worse than Miles that without her CI's, sitting an hour and half through a movie would be very un-entertaining. She would giggle at the funny parts, say things like "be careful" when the characters would do something dangerous and she even adopted a new villain laugh from the movie. She is a little jokester, with a sweet little smile that makes all the hard days worth it -- plus some! When I'm not feeling well, or especially tired its like she tunes right in. She definitely wears pink glasses, compared to my boys seeing through their blue ones. She will cover me up, rub my back, bring me my water bottle and whisper to me as if she completely understands the importance of a soft spoken word.
There is no doubt about it, I am one VERY blessed mommy. I can say that even though I have a 2, 3 and 5 year old behind me having not the friendliest dispute over a toy cash register :) They will work it out, they always do :)
I've been pretty open about a situation I was having with a lady who doesn't believe in our use of CI's for the kids. I feel like if there is ever an interesting situation to be in, I seem to find it. She has said some pretty hurtful things about our choices for medical intervention and how that will change the quality of there life. I responded initially to her e-mail, and of course she almost instantly had another comeback that made me feel an inch high. I really don't know how to handle such intense conversation and have not responded. Lately I've been wondering.. do I leave my phone number and call her? Do I meet with her and let her experience the "Steffen" bug :)? Were contagious, I'm sure of it. One dose of us and she will fall in love and be hooked for life, right??? Wishful thinking, maybe. I've agreed to disagree, even though I sent her a picture of all 3 of my happy kids with one of the CI recipients wearing as shirt that says "Music makes me happy"... which I did not realize the shirt said this until hours after sharing the picture with her. I bet she noticed and thought... "wise guy, eh!" I want to leave it alone and avoid it altogether, but that just doesn't feel right. I guess I will just keep doing what I know best, and support my kids through this journey.
I think somehow I will always end up in the line of fire of negativity. It just seems to be the way my life is geared. I mean, who has 5 kids!?! Such a huge family some might say! Who stays home and does not provide income for a family of that size!?! Not financially savvy a critic might argue. Who in their right mind can sanely raise that many deaf/hard of hearing children!?! -- But I guess the answer for the skeptics is: this tough, God-fearing, Jesus-loving, sensitive, emotional, compassionate, hilarious without a doubt woman right here. Me. I can do it, and I'm doing a pretty good job. Despite the obstacles that come along the way, our family has always risen to the occasion and came out on top. I'm not always the most confident person, but it's hard not to look into the face of my "going to be six years old tomorrow", little boy and just be SUPER proud of all that we have accomplished. Its definitely been an interesting ride, but just knowing where I started the mommy journey to where I am today -- makes me one happy mama!
Thank you to all my supporters!! We could not be this happy without the best family and friends a girl could ask for :)
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Steffen Family Update!
I can't believe it is almost July!! It's crazy to think how fast time goes sometimes. I can remember not too long ago being in high school and feeling like I would never be moving on to the next chapter in life -- adulthood :) I never would have imagined then, that I would be wishing time could just sllooowww down a bit! 20 weeks of my pregnancy have passed, which puts me at halfway to meeting the twins. I'm excited, but at the same time I keep feeling like there is so much I need to do and get ready. Last week I worked about 40 hours, so I'm hoping to start chipping away at some of my want list for the babies. It was a crazy week, by day three when I put my uniform on -- Noah looked at me and said "Three days in a row?????!!"
Noah has been having a wonderful summer. He LOVES to ride bike, jump on the trampoline, play T-Ball, swim and all things warm. This is his first summer not having a Speech/Therapy schedule, yet somehow this summer has been our busiest for appointments. I'm really not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to all these visits and trips to the high school, I imagine I was trying to be a good momma and open doors for language for both Kendra and Miles. Its been a bit overwhelming, to say the least. Noah wants to make sure that each of the babies get 1,000 kisses from him before they are born.. such a sweet boy! You can frequently find him next to my tummy, gently rubbing or of course, kissing me.
Kendra has been the most mild tempered little lady I could ever have imagined. I would never have predicted this a year ago. She is easy to reason with, kind hearted in requests, generous with her "Thank-you's, your welcomes, pleases, and No-Thank-you's". She has come such a long way from January when she started school. She used to be a "mocking bird", just imitating everything we said. Now she has conversations, asks questions, responds appropriately and interacts well. Its really been a blessing that we can appreciate how much language can change in just a few months. Kendra would sleep outside if I would let her, but she especially enjoys drawing with the chalk on the sidewalk (and unfortunately on the garage door etc...) She has learned how to swing by herself, so the neighborhood does not have to hear her scream MOOOOMMMM, push me PLEASE!!!?? One of those little independent milestones that kind of melts a moms heart.
Miles is my cuddly little boy. Its interesting to think that in about 4 months he will go from being the youngest child to the middle child. What does that do to a kids mind? I think he will be a great big brother, but I'm sure it will be an adjustment. The summer weather has been hard on this little boy, he has been trying to avoid afternoon nap. Unfortunately, he still very much needs the rest and often he tries to sneak off to a nap about 4-5 o'clock and it REALLY disrupts bedtime. Were figuring it out though. He just talks and talks and talks some more. I can only understand about half of what comes out of his mouth, but its a great feeling to know that he likes to communicate.
How am I feeling.... hmmm? Well, I don't feel very sick. Occasional nausea, so I'm not complaining there. I had NO appetite up until about 16 weeks, so needless to say now I feel like a bottomless pit! I can tell my tummy has grown, but if you saw me you might not know I'm growing twins. I am still in some regular pants and a few maternity. T-shirts are my best friend, comfy and I feel most normal in them. I basically just feel like if you didn't know I was prego, you would suspect that I'm just getting chunky :) My husband has been doing an amazing job taking care of me. It's not an easy task, because I'm VERY emotional lately. I've been feeling insecure, lonely at time, like I'm abnormal and don't fit in. You know, that regular high maintenance emotional rollercoaster stuff. Ahhh.. just wish I was a confident woman! I'm taking a break from being a contact mom for the deaf and hard of hearing. Probably just through the summer and then take another break in October. It's tough because I just don't feel like making those calls and I know its a bit selfish, but I'm not emotionally up to it. Lots of tears go into that job, and I'm afraid I've got enough of my own. I'm pretty obsessed with spending my "sun-time" reading books about multiples. Its not out of the ordinary for me to stumble across pregnancy blogs and informational sites. Lately I feel like they have all been talking about how your babies start to bond with you around this time, and familiarize with your voice. Read to them, sing to them and start giving them the opportunity to know their mommy better. It's hard not to be a bit emotional about it. Can they hear me? I know my babies have there own set of odds. Only time will tell, and I'm sure when they are born they will love me no less even if they can't hear. Its these silly pregnancy hormones that get me all flustered. I've been doing a daily blood pressure check, because my mind is constantly racing -- especially when I get to the Dr. office. Noah asked me what I was doing a couple months ago when I started logging it and I told him I was checking on the babies. Now, he asks me everyday how the babies are doing and sometimes he even pulls out the equipment and asks me to check on them. Its crazy, but when I get to the Dr., my heart starts to race a little, I get kind of sweaty and nervous-like, and I can feel that I am just out of sorts. Why is my body doing this?? If only I knew haha. I can't even understand myself sometimes. I'm happy to report though, my blood pressure has been consistently good at home.
I was reading last night that its a wise idea to have your house, babies room and all your to-do lists pretty well accomplished by 30 weeks. You just never know what the end of pregnancy could bring and it really is supposed to help lower the stress of those last weeks. That means I only have 10 weeks!! I haven't even made a list, let alone start working on one. I know I need to get sleeping quarters set up, round up a bassinet, and I want to buy a pack-n-play. I've been wanting to paint my basement and main level.. ok, lie. IIIIII don't want to paint, I hate painting. Tedious and I'm bad at it!! But I would love for some new paint to be on those walls :) :). I'm in search of a twin-size mattress for Kendra, and when I find that we will bunk the boys' beds. When I say in search of, I really mean I haven't searched for anything, but I should start looking for one :). The funny thing is, I have more energy now than I did a month ago, but I still don't have much get-up and go! Yesterday my house was a partial disaster zone, but I kept telling myself it was ok because... I made potato salad for my husband (which was.. ehhhh ok ;)) and because I played in 90 degree weather outside with my kids for a few hours. Besides... I'm constantly at work, growing these babies... right??? Exactly!
Well friends, as always, thanks for caring and praying and being a part of our lives.
Noah has been having a wonderful summer. He LOVES to ride bike, jump on the trampoline, play T-Ball, swim and all things warm. This is his first summer not having a Speech/Therapy schedule, yet somehow this summer has been our busiest for appointments. I'm really not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to all these visits and trips to the high school, I imagine I was trying to be a good momma and open doors for language for both Kendra and Miles. Its been a bit overwhelming, to say the least. Noah wants to make sure that each of the babies get 1,000 kisses from him before they are born.. such a sweet boy! You can frequently find him next to my tummy, gently rubbing or of course, kissing me.
Kendra has been the most mild tempered little lady I could ever have imagined. I would never have predicted this a year ago. She is easy to reason with, kind hearted in requests, generous with her "Thank-you's, your welcomes, pleases, and No-Thank-you's". She has come such a long way from January when she started school. She used to be a "mocking bird", just imitating everything we said. Now she has conversations, asks questions, responds appropriately and interacts well. Its really been a blessing that we can appreciate how much language can change in just a few months. Kendra would sleep outside if I would let her, but she especially enjoys drawing with the chalk on the sidewalk (and unfortunately on the garage door etc...) She has learned how to swing by herself, so the neighborhood does not have to hear her scream MOOOOMMMM, push me PLEASE!!!?? One of those little independent milestones that kind of melts a moms heart.
Miles is my cuddly little boy. Its interesting to think that in about 4 months he will go from being the youngest child to the middle child. What does that do to a kids mind? I think he will be a great big brother, but I'm sure it will be an adjustment. The summer weather has been hard on this little boy, he has been trying to avoid afternoon nap. Unfortunately, he still very much needs the rest and often he tries to sneak off to a nap about 4-5 o'clock and it REALLY disrupts bedtime. Were figuring it out though. He just talks and talks and talks some more. I can only understand about half of what comes out of his mouth, but its a great feeling to know that he likes to communicate.
How am I feeling.... hmmm? Well, I don't feel very sick. Occasional nausea, so I'm not complaining there. I had NO appetite up until about 16 weeks, so needless to say now I feel like a bottomless pit! I can tell my tummy has grown, but if you saw me you might not know I'm growing twins. I am still in some regular pants and a few maternity. T-shirts are my best friend, comfy and I feel most normal in them. I basically just feel like if you didn't know I was prego, you would suspect that I'm just getting chunky :) My husband has been doing an amazing job taking care of me. It's not an easy task, because I'm VERY emotional lately. I've been feeling insecure, lonely at time, like I'm abnormal and don't fit in. You know, that regular high maintenance emotional rollercoaster stuff. Ahhh.. just wish I was a confident woman! I'm taking a break from being a contact mom for the deaf and hard of hearing. Probably just through the summer and then take another break in October. It's tough because I just don't feel like making those calls and I know its a bit selfish, but I'm not emotionally up to it. Lots of tears go into that job, and I'm afraid I've got enough of my own. I'm pretty obsessed with spending my "sun-time" reading books about multiples. Its not out of the ordinary for me to stumble across pregnancy blogs and informational sites. Lately I feel like they have all been talking about how your babies start to bond with you around this time, and familiarize with your voice. Read to them, sing to them and start giving them the opportunity to know their mommy better. It's hard not to be a bit emotional about it. Can they hear me? I know my babies have there own set of odds. Only time will tell, and I'm sure when they are born they will love me no less even if they can't hear. Its these silly pregnancy hormones that get me all flustered. I've been doing a daily blood pressure check, because my mind is constantly racing -- especially when I get to the Dr. office. Noah asked me what I was doing a couple months ago when I started logging it and I told him I was checking on the babies. Now, he asks me everyday how the babies are doing and sometimes he even pulls out the equipment and asks me to check on them. Its crazy, but when I get to the Dr., my heart starts to race a little, I get kind of sweaty and nervous-like, and I can feel that I am just out of sorts. Why is my body doing this?? If only I knew haha. I can't even understand myself sometimes. I'm happy to report though, my blood pressure has been consistently good at home.
I was reading last night that its a wise idea to have your house, babies room and all your to-do lists pretty well accomplished by 30 weeks. You just never know what the end of pregnancy could bring and it really is supposed to help lower the stress of those last weeks. That means I only have 10 weeks!! I haven't even made a list, let alone start working on one. I know I need to get sleeping quarters set up, round up a bassinet, and I want to buy a pack-n-play. I've been wanting to paint my basement and main level.. ok, lie. IIIIII don't want to paint, I hate painting. Tedious and I'm bad at it!! But I would love for some new paint to be on those walls :) :). I'm in search of a twin-size mattress for Kendra, and when I find that we will bunk the boys' beds. When I say in search of, I really mean I haven't searched for anything, but I should start looking for one :). The funny thing is, I have more energy now than I did a month ago, but I still don't have much get-up and go! Yesterday my house was a partial disaster zone, but I kept telling myself it was ok because... I made potato salad for my husband (which was.. ehhhh ok ;)) and because I played in 90 degree weather outside with my kids for a few hours. Besides... I'm constantly at work, growing these babies... right??? Exactly!
Well friends, as always, thanks for caring and praying and being a part of our lives.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Emotional roller coaster
2nd trimester is underway and I'm awaiting the return of my energy. I'm ready for bed at around 8pm each night, which can be difficult because with the springtime sun shining through the windows, my kids are hardly convinced that it is bedtime. I read blogs and look up twin pregnancy quite frequently. I'm sure that I have felt little baby movement in my tummy :) My days have been filled with jumping on the trampoline, coloring pictures, watching the movie "Rio"... Over and over again and extra cuddle time with my 3 big kids. It's partially sentimental to refer to Noah, Kendra and Miles as the "big kids", but they certainly are growing and soon enough there will be little babies in the house. Kendra and Noah totally get it. Kendra is especially sweet to me and likes to rub my tummy already. Imagine how she will feel when my belly starts to actually grow! If you have seen me recently, I probably look very much the same as always to you. I'm a little over 15 weeks PG, and I'm sure there will be a growth spurt soon.
I was laying in my bed with Kendra this morning, she had her "ears" off, which maybe I've told you before, gives her a license to sing very loud and obnoxiously. I mean hey, she can't hear herself so why not? She makes up songs about her day or whatever she was recently doing etc... This morning her particular tune was 5 little monkeys but she was singing about babies jumping on the trampoline. Mommy called Daddy and daddy said, I'm gonna tickle tickle tickle... And she would proceed to tickle me. Very interactive and sweet, I thought. I was so proud of her that I got kind of choked up, and she grabbed me by the cheeks and said what's a matter mommy?? She was so concerned. So I got up and got her CI's put together so I could talk to her. I told her I was so happy that she is such a good singer, and started to get weepy as I talked to her more. Blasted hormones, I can't hardly finish a thought without getting emotional. I guess I just can't help but be thankful for her ability to express herself so freely with words.. With singing. She talks on the phone with her Dad when he calls home from work, she hears me when I call her downstairs for supper. It's a really special feeling to know that she has worked so hard to enjoy some of those luxuries in her life. Thursday last week, we were watching a sweet friend of ours and Kendra just adores him. Thursday she asked me why he didn't need special ears. She's only 3 and I guess 4 months old. She's never really said anything about her CI's, never asked those hard questions. I just told her that God made our family a little different then most families, and that her ears needed help to hear so that is why she gets to wear CI's. I don't know how much she can really understand about things right now, but she just nodded her head, wrapped her arms around my neck and said Thank you mommy. She softly kissed me on the cheek and then went back over to her toy pile.
There are days that pass that I don't even think that we are any different than your average family. I take for granted the wonder of my children and there ability to have just adapted to this life they were given. Matt and I know that there is a different way. They could have been born with full hearing, no therapies to attend, no hearing aid fittings, no surgeries. That's about the point where I start to think.. Poor kids. But really, I think what I'm actually thinking is poor me. None of my kids lived a different kind of life, so this is natural and normal for them. I keep asking myself, when will I get completely over the pity party. All three of them are doing soooo good. And they are happy, boy are they happy. I realize more and more that it is just my uneasy and anxious heart that gets me so frazzled. Overcome by worries of how my kids are looked at, if they are accepted and will they be loved by people outside of our family?
I asked Noah what his favorite thing about his cochlear implant is, and he told me that he likes to hear at story time. He also said he wished he didn't even need one because then he could look like everyone else. Then, my sweet hearted boy said.. But mom, I'm very happy to wear a hearing aid and a CI so that Kendra and Miles never feel like they are alone. Now what shapes a heart to be so thoughtful and kind? My only explanation for that is that God gives us life experience to grow us and to become who he wants us to be. I've never had a five year old before, Noah is my oldest. But I really do think that his heart is leaps and bounds above his age because that is just how God designed him.
Kind, compassionate, rambunctious and rowdy. That's how I best describe my crew.
So clearly, I've been pretty emotional lately. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to leave the house ;). Truly friends, don't give up on me. My appetite is sure to return any day now, and I won't require an afternoon nap and bedtime at 8 pm. I mean seriously, am I two again??? Uffda, what would I do without my amazing husband?? I'm not even sure how he puts up with me, but he does :).
By the way... I'm pretty sure the twins MEANT to give me a pedicure for mothers day. Haha, I'm in search of some girls who would come with me for afternoon and supper date some evening soon!! I do believe the sun will truly shine and the rain will let us all out again in our flip flops. SOON!!!!!!
I was laying in my bed with Kendra this morning, she had her "ears" off, which maybe I've told you before, gives her a license to sing very loud and obnoxiously. I mean hey, she can't hear herself so why not? She makes up songs about her day or whatever she was recently doing etc... This morning her particular tune was 5 little monkeys but she was singing about babies jumping on the trampoline. Mommy called Daddy and daddy said, I'm gonna tickle tickle tickle... And she would proceed to tickle me. Very interactive and sweet, I thought. I was so proud of her that I got kind of choked up, and she grabbed me by the cheeks and said what's a matter mommy?? She was so concerned. So I got up and got her CI's put together so I could talk to her. I told her I was so happy that she is such a good singer, and started to get weepy as I talked to her more. Blasted hormones, I can't hardly finish a thought without getting emotional. I guess I just can't help but be thankful for her ability to express herself so freely with words.. With singing. She talks on the phone with her Dad when he calls home from work, she hears me when I call her downstairs for supper. It's a really special feeling to know that she has worked so hard to enjoy some of those luxuries in her life. Thursday last week, we were watching a sweet friend of ours and Kendra just adores him. Thursday she asked me why he didn't need special ears. She's only 3 and I guess 4 months old. She's never really said anything about her CI's, never asked those hard questions. I just told her that God made our family a little different then most families, and that her ears needed help to hear so that is why she gets to wear CI's. I don't know how much she can really understand about things right now, but she just nodded her head, wrapped her arms around my neck and said Thank you mommy. She softly kissed me on the cheek and then went back over to her toy pile.
There are days that pass that I don't even think that we are any different than your average family. I take for granted the wonder of my children and there ability to have just adapted to this life they were given. Matt and I know that there is a different way. They could have been born with full hearing, no therapies to attend, no hearing aid fittings, no surgeries. That's about the point where I start to think.. Poor kids. But really, I think what I'm actually thinking is poor me. None of my kids lived a different kind of life, so this is natural and normal for them. I keep asking myself, when will I get completely over the pity party. All three of them are doing soooo good. And they are happy, boy are they happy. I realize more and more that it is just my uneasy and anxious heart that gets me so frazzled. Overcome by worries of how my kids are looked at, if they are accepted and will they be loved by people outside of our family?
I asked Noah what his favorite thing about his cochlear implant is, and he told me that he likes to hear at story time. He also said he wished he didn't even need one because then he could look like everyone else. Then, my sweet hearted boy said.. But mom, I'm very happy to wear a hearing aid and a CI so that Kendra and Miles never feel like they are alone. Now what shapes a heart to be so thoughtful and kind? My only explanation for that is that God gives us life experience to grow us and to become who he wants us to be. I've never had a five year old before, Noah is my oldest. But I really do think that his heart is leaps and bounds above his age because that is just how God designed him.
Kind, compassionate, rambunctious and rowdy. That's how I best describe my crew.
So clearly, I've been pretty emotional lately. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to leave the house ;). Truly friends, don't give up on me. My appetite is sure to return any day now, and I won't require an afternoon nap and bedtime at 8 pm. I mean seriously, am I two again??? Uffda, what would I do without my amazing husband?? I'm not even sure how he puts up with me, but he does :).
By the way... I'm pretty sure the twins MEANT to give me a pedicure for mothers day. Haha, I'm in search of some girls who would come with me for afternoon and supper date some evening soon!! I do believe the sun will truly shine and the rain will let us all out again in our flip flops. SOON!!!!!!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Trusting Him...
Let me just start by saying, this has been a HUGE whirlwind of a 24 hours for me. I'm partially exhausted from a good and busy day at work, but especially from my mind racing and just a couple hours of rest last night. I just woke up from a GLORIOUS afternoon nap, and I'm feeling it best to share my heart.
Most of you probably have already heard that the Steffen family is growing. If not, the details are pretty much like this:
Matt and I have been talking for about a year about how "we could do it, we can handle it, and we really want to have 4 kids". We decided we would just let it be on our hearts for a while, until we rang in the new year. In 2013 we decided, it will happen if its meant to happen and stopped any kind of precautionary measures. Many of you also know that we went on a cruise in January. It was a 7 day cruise, but we were away from home for about 10 days with the travel in between. We had the most amazing time, and it really was a treat. I truly believe this time revolutionized the way we looked at eachother... we got to experience what it is like to really spend time together! What a treat. It would be a great story if we conceived while on a romantic getaway but we did not. Once we came home, we started settling into our new home and sometime during that chaos -- I guess you could say the magic happened?? Yesterday I had my 12 week checkup. This is the appointment I wait to have in order to share my news with the world. I just like to hear my little turnips heartbeat and have my first REAL good cry of joy before I share my news. My appointment was at 11, so I woke up and watched the clock most of the morning. My head was filled with thoughts and more thoughts. When I got into my room in the clinic, my nurse immediately showed me her congratulatory happiness and I felt soooo great to talk about it!!! It wasn't long before my doctor came in. I expressed my anxiety (go figure, me anxious!!) and he gave me peace of mind that helped me relax. Soon it was time to get up on "every-womans-nightmare-table" and he was going to check with a Doppler to get the heartbeat. He moved the little gelled up device around on my belly, very persistently. No heartbeat. He kept rolling, had some conversation with me and persisted on. Finally, after what seemed like a gazillion minutes, he said well why don't we just see if we can get the nurse to set up the ultrasound, you wanted one of those anyway :). And he smiled, knew I was nervous and just continued to calm me with his kind actions and words. He told me there was no way he was going to make me wait for another appointment not knowing everything is ok in there. Can't even explain how thankful I am for that decision, because I would be even more of a wreck right now if I was in "unknown land". I was whisked over to a room across the hall from where I was. The nurse graciously informed me how the ultrasound would work. Soon enough, the doctor was back and looking for the heartbeat yet again. It wasn't too long before he scooted the machine real close to him and studied the picture before him. The nurses jaw dropped and he said "You ready for a surprise?" He then turned the monitor towards me and showed me baby "A" and baby "B". That's right folks, I saw two little babes in that precious monitor.
A few people have asked me if 5 was in our plan anyway. Nope. We were soooo content on 4. My near life long best friend Katie had a good laugh with me talking about how God laughs at our plans. His plans are sooo much better than anything I could dream anyway. I have to say right now, I am really just trusting him. I'm a whole lot of different emotions. One second I think... WOW!!! What a miracle, a special treat, HOW BLESSED AM I??!?!!!! The next second I wonder.. how in the world.... I have to say that I'm mostly just resting on the Lord, and knowing that his plan is ALWAYS right. This is not a mistake, he hand picked Matt and I along with Noah, Kendra and Miles and he said "My precious children, I TRUST you so much that this may not make sense, but soon enough it will".
I want to be clear on a few things. I do realize that I have some hard mama times ahead of me. I'm not stuck in rainbow la-la land, only thinking of the sweet photo ops and cutsie putsie little smiles. I'm a VERY realistic person. However, I refuse to dwell on the hardships that will potentially be ahead of me. I encourage any and all positive thoughts and feelings, feedback and advice. I know I don't have it all figured out!!! I will say that the feedback we have primarily received has been possibly the most uplifting and encouraging things anyone could ever think to say. I have been in tears, of just complete and utter joy at some of your support and kind words. I can't help but just cry right now thinking about some of the kind words that have been shared with me. I'm uber sensitive, I think just in general, but especially while prego.. and especially ESPECIALLY while expecting twins. This has been a big deal and I'm pretty sure that life as I knew it, is no longer. There will always be people that do not believe in my decisions, and being the people pleaser that I am, that is extremely hard for me. Especially when it comes to my loved ones and family. I would just love to encourage everyone to be open minded and help me through this process by trusting God right along with me. This was not my plan, it really is HIS plan.
As far as the hearing of these two babies, we are not in the least worried about it. Were focusing on the BEST SITUATION, just as the Lord intends it to be. God-willing, we will make it to full term and have healthy babies. That is where my focus is. Please remember, that we fully and whole heartedly believe that the hearing loss that Noah, Kendra and Miles each have makes them who they are. They are lovable, beautiful and perfectly engineered. If these two babies are any variation of my 3 beautiful babes before them, I will be VERY grateful!!! I had a beautiful and kind hearted friend say how strong I am and that I handle our family situation well. Here I am again, crying... but what you need to know is I was not always this strong. The good Lord got me here, and those beautiful babies were building blocks along the way that helped me get to where I am today. They built my character up to where I am today, and they gave me strength, and I learned confidence and I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to "get it". I mean, I really get it!! This was a part of His plan, and I can find contentment and satisfaction with this CrAzY situation were in now, because I TRUST HIM!!!
I know I will need help, and lose sleep, and have a hard time dating my husband, not be able to go to the bathroom alone or shower at normal hours. I'm aware that this is just going to be wild!!!! I would just really love it if I could have the support of all of you beautiful souls, and just trust Him with me. I really think it will make this journey that much more rewarding. I'm not saying to be unrealistic with me, honesty is welcome. But all the horror stories and worst cast scenarios are not going to help me stay peaceful about how my life will be in 6 months. Besides, keep an eye out for the "mommy needs a nap" program ;). Maybe you will get the chance to come in and see just how SWEET it is to be a part of our lives :) :).
Thanks friends, prayers for peace welcomed :)
Most of you probably have already heard that the Steffen family is growing. If not, the details are pretty much like this:
Matt and I have been talking for about a year about how "we could do it, we can handle it, and we really want to have 4 kids". We decided we would just let it be on our hearts for a while, until we rang in the new year. In 2013 we decided, it will happen if its meant to happen and stopped any kind of precautionary measures. Many of you also know that we went on a cruise in January. It was a 7 day cruise, but we were away from home for about 10 days with the travel in between. We had the most amazing time, and it really was a treat. I truly believe this time revolutionized the way we looked at eachother... we got to experience what it is like to really spend time together! What a treat. It would be a great story if we conceived while on a romantic getaway but we did not. Once we came home, we started settling into our new home and sometime during that chaos -- I guess you could say the magic happened?? Yesterday I had my 12 week checkup. This is the appointment I wait to have in order to share my news with the world. I just like to hear my little turnips heartbeat and have my first REAL good cry of joy before I share my news. My appointment was at 11, so I woke up and watched the clock most of the morning. My head was filled with thoughts and more thoughts. When I got into my room in the clinic, my nurse immediately showed me her congratulatory happiness and I felt soooo great to talk about it!!! It wasn't long before my doctor came in. I expressed my anxiety (go figure, me anxious!!) and he gave me peace of mind that helped me relax. Soon it was time to get up on "every-womans-nightmare-table" and he was going to check with a Doppler to get the heartbeat. He moved the little gelled up device around on my belly, very persistently. No heartbeat. He kept rolling, had some conversation with me and persisted on. Finally, after what seemed like a gazillion minutes, he said well why don't we just see if we can get the nurse to set up the ultrasound, you wanted one of those anyway :). And he smiled, knew I was nervous and just continued to calm me with his kind actions and words. He told me there was no way he was going to make me wait for another appointment not knowing everything is ok in there. Can't even explain how thankful I am for that decision, because I would be even more of a wreck right now if I was in "unknown land". I was whisked over to a room across the hall from where I was. The nurse graciously informed me how the ultrasound would work. Soon enough, the doctor was back and looking for the heartbeat yet again. It wasn't too long before he scooted the machine real close to him and studied the picture before him. The nurses jaw dropped and he said "You ready for a surprise?" He then turned the monitor towards me and showed me baby "A" and baby "B". That's right folks, I saw two little babes in that precious monitor.
A few people have asked me if 5 was in our plan anyway. Nope. We were soooo content on 4. My near life long best friend Katie had a good laugh with me talking about how God laughs at our plans. His plans are sooo much better than anything I could dream anyway. I have to say right now, I am really just trusting him. I'm a whole lot of different emotions. One second I think... WOW!!! What a miracle, a special treat, HOW BLESSED AM I??!?!!!! The next second I wonder.. how in the world.... I have to say that I'm mostly just resting on the Lord, and knowing that his plan is ALWAYS right. This is not a mistake, he hand picked Matt and I along with Noah, Kendra and Miles and he said "My precious children, I TRUST you so much that this may not make sense, but soon enough it will".
I want to be clear on a few things. I do realize that I have some hard mama times ahead of me. I'm not stuck in rainbow la-la land, only thinking of the sweet photo ops and cutsie putsie little smiles. I'm a VERY realistic person. However, I refuse to dwell on the hardships that will potentially be ahead of me. I encourage any and all positive thoughts and feelings, feedback and advice. I know I don't have it all figured out!!! I will say that the feedback we have primarily received has been possibly the most uplifting and encouraging things anyone could ever think to say. I have been in tears, of just complete and utter joy at some of your support and kind words. I can't help but just cry right now thinking about some of the kind words that have been shared with me. I'm uber sensitive, I think just in general, but especially while prego.. and especially ESPECIALLY while expecting twins. This has been a big deal and I'm pretty sure that life as I knew it, is no longer. There will always be people that do not believe in my decisions, and being the people pleaser that I am, that is extremely hard for me. Especially when it comes to my loved ones and family. I would just love to encourage everyone to be open minded and help me through this process by trusting God right along with me. This was not my plan, it really is HIS plan.
As far as the hearing of these two babies, we are not in the least worried about it. Were focusing on the BEST SITUATION, just as the Lord intends it to be. God-willing, we will make it to full term and have healthy babies. That is where my focus is. Please remember, that we fully and whole heartedly believe that the hearing loss that Noah, Kendra and Miles each have makes them who they are. They are lovable, beautiful and perfectly engineered. If these two babies are any variation of my 3 beautiful babes before them, I will be VERY grateful!!! I had a beautiful and kind hearted friend say how strong I am and that I handle our family situation well. Here I am again, crying... but what you need to know is I was not always this strong. The good Lord got me here, and those beautiful babies were building blocks along the way that helped me get to where I am today. They built my character up to where I am today, and they gave me strength, and I learned confidence and I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to "get it". I mean, I really get it!! This was a part of His plan, and I can find contentment and satisfaction with this CrAzY situation were in now, because I TRUST HIM!!!
I know I will need help, and lose sleep, and have a hard time dating my husband, not be able to go to the bathroom alone or shower at normal hours. I'm aware that this is just going to be wild!!!! I would just really love it if I could have the support of all of you beautiful souls, and just trust Him with me. I really think it will make this journey that much more rewarding. I'm not saying to be unrealistic with me, honesty is welcome. But all the horror stories and worst cast scenarios are not going to help me stay peaceful about how my life will be in 6 months. Besides, keep an eye out for the "mommy needs a nap" program ;). Maybe you will get the chance to come in and see just how SWEET it is to be a part of our lives :) :).
Thanks friends, prayers for peace welcomed :)
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Friendship essentials
Well what can I say, it's been on my heart and I have been exposed to a lot of opportunities to hear about Them. Friendships. I can say I feel abundantly blessed in this department, yet at times I feel just overwhelmingly lonely. Does that make any sense at all?
I have always had such a tough time stepping out of my comfort zone, and to the eye I appear to be a very quiet and reserved person. Really, I am both of those things, but there IS another side to me. I am quirky, and funny and sometimes quick to think on my feet. Other times I calculate for a LONG time before saying what is really on my mind. My own very conflicting personality has helped me to gain understanding of how other people may work. So what I often wonder is... How do I be the type of friend that can have a lot of fun with people but then also have honest conversations that are full of seriousness? How do I know when someone wants to have a relationship with me that is full of roller coaster emotions that make me female? I have always struggled with the idea that friends don't want to be drug down by my realities, because they have their own. But honestly, my struggles make me ME! My joy makes me ME!!! I know that some people are noses and others are armpits.. The two just don't match! But it's really not that easy to recognize. I felt like after I had my first son, I was separated from a core group of friends because I was a mom and most of them were not. Adding his hearing difficulties to the mix made me really feel out of place. Fast forward 5.5 years and add on 2 additional children with hearing problems and a fiery heart for Jesus and I agree, I am not who I was back then. Yet, my heart feels sad that there were people that I was really close to and thought I would never live life apart from and it's just not the case.
So the more I thought about this topic, the more I realized that I just worry way too much. I expect myself to have all this control over situational things. I have bonds with people that are unbreakable,
yet I long for more. I want clear signs that this is the right person to have in your life and I want
people to just outright say " I really enjoy you!!" If only that more naturally rolled off the tongue. Lucky me, I DO have some people in my life that shower me with such affirmations. I had a great friend call me the other day and say 1. You look great 2. Your a great friend and 3. I appreciate you... Talk about a friendship love tank being filled up!!! Now why wouldn't I have enough courage and make a phone call to reciprocate those feelings or better yet, remember how wonderful that made me feel and share the love with another unsuspecting friend? I know why, I'm not good at putting myself out there like that. Silly excuse, but its definitely out of my comfort zone to receive compliments like that, let alone give them!
This past weekend I was invited to a crafty weekend away. I knew about half of the ladies before the weekend began, so naturally for me I was a little nervous about how my time would go. Especially considering I am NOT a crafter. What a wonderful bunch to be introduced to. I learned a few things this weekend that I feel will help me be a better friend. We laughed a lot, there was a lot of listening- like really really listening and there was genuine interest. There were people that I had just met for
the first time that cared about how situations made me feel and they asked questions and they cared. It made me realize that it's all about time. We're not always going to have time, and we can't expect others to be available constantly. Truth be told, if given the right opportunity friendships can be cultivated. It's nurturing them that becomes a task.
What kind of friend are you? Do you like to listen? Are you ever frustrated because your the one who always has to make the call to get together or catch up? Get over it, some of us are just not first step takers. My apologies for living such a double life.. Extremely shy yet overwhelmingly full of thought. I can't be the only one that has a personality like that.. Can I? I know, I confuse myself. Lucky for me, I have a blog where I can just blatantly say "I struggle with communication".. Some people get misdiagnosed as snobs or not willing to make the effort. For me, this is not the case at all. I'm probably the one sitting across the room from you that just wishes I could get the nerve to say "I follow you silently on Facebook, because I'm interested and I care". Which brings me to Facebook...
Such a neat piece of technology, yet it allows us into people's lives without actually letting them know. Realistically, I don't know how many of my hundred or so friends want to read what I post. I
don't know how many people genuinely think "Glad to be able to see those kids grow up". I know that sometimes people "like" what I share, but outside of that, do we really make the effort? I was spoiled again, a friend I've only gotten the chance to breeze the surface with messaged me. I met her at the mom group I attend. Not sure if she reads my blog or not, but she said the sweetest things about Noah. She works in his school and had the opportunity to work with him since he has specialized programs. What a sweet lady, to make the effort and let me know that she thought Noah was a sweet and hardworking boy. She lifted me up and gave me confidence with her little Facebook message. That's what friends are for, that's what I need to remind myself to aim for. I want to empower my friends and just let them know I care and not just fly under the radar and be interested from afar. I wasn't expecting the message, and the element of surprise brought me to tears.
Sometimes friendships are not easy. There are times we have disagreements and feelings get hurt. Misunderstanding has been the biggest reason I can diagnose in my life for friendship failure. The hard part with that is, for most of us, conflict is terrifying. However, I find it much more horrific to tip toe around my hurt feelings. There comes a time where you owe it to ourself to just say "hey, that kinda hurt me". You should not have to compromise your values or your feelings to have friends. The flip side of that is to remember those little things in us called hOrMoNeS!!!!! Think about your words before you spit them out. Once you've spoken, the words cannot be taken back. Some friends of mine use the toothpaste analogy. Words are like toothpaste, once you squeeze that paste out of the tube, there is no way to get it back in there. In my whole 25 years of life experience (please don't discredit me!!!!!) I have come to realize that conversations are a bit like this...... There is what you said, what they heard, what you meant and what they felt.. Those variables are not always going to align. Be understanding that not everybody might be as open to other people's thoughts and opinions or ways of communicating. Not everybody has gotten the chance to research or be enlightened about the many ways people may feel, either.
My last point on friendships is really this... Be the type of friend you would love to have. Be honest, forgiving, easy going and LOVING. Love your friends through the good times and especially through the bad. If your noticing that your the armpit in some of your friendships, freshen up!! Haha.. But really, not all friendships are meant to thrive. Don't feel guilty for it. Some people just need a wake up call that the way they behave has negative effects on your friendship. Be as forgiving as you can, but be honest. Pray. Then pray some more. If the relationship is toxic, you cordially move on. Moving on means not dragging that baggage with you. There is no need to continually remind our friends of that persons shortcomings.
Whew, that was a whirlwind for me to write.
Onto a few notes about my sweet little family. Tonight Noah was razzed up and not listening so I said to him... Is there something wrong with your hearing???? I instantly felt like such a jerk. My husband shrugged it off, an there I stood with both hands over my face in tears. Ummmmm toothpaste. What is wrong with me somedays?? I love these kids beyond my words, but I still struggle to relate sometimes. Miles has been expanding his vocabulary and I have recently made note of how sweet his heart really is. If I say ouch!! He will run over to me and say "what's a matter mommy? What happened". He will then kiss my ouchie and say "all better!!" He doesn't miss a beat and is really looking forward to nice outside weather. Kendra is still loving school, and loves to talk.. A lot. She makes more and more sense everyday.
My backyard is a giant icicle, so my prayer request is that those traveling get where they need to safely and that those that get to stay home, appreciate their families and avoid cabin fever :)
Blessings, dear friends!
I have always had such a tough time stepping out of my comfort zone, and to the eye I appear to be a very quiet and reserved person. Really, I am both of those things, but there IS another side to me. I am quirky, and funny and sometimes quick to think on my feet. Other times I calculate for a LONG time before saying what is really on my mind. My own very conflicting personality has helped me to gain understanding of how other people may work. So what I often wonder is... How do I be the type of friend that can have a lot of fun with people but then also have honest conversations that are full of seriousness? How do I know when someone wants to have a relationship with me that is full of roller coaster emotions that make me female? I have always struggled with the idea that friends don't want to be drug down by my realities, because they have their own. But honestly, my struggles make me ME! My joy makes me ME!!! I know that some people are noses and others are armpits.. The two just don't match! But it's really not that easy to recognize. I felt like after I had my first son, I was separated from a core group of friends because I was a mom and most of them were not. Adding his hearing difficulties to the mix made me really feel out of place. Fast forward 5.5 years and add on 2 additional children with hearing problems and a fiery heart for Jesus and I agree, I am not who I was back then. Yet, my heart feels sad that there were people that I was really close to and thought I would never live life apart from and it's just not the case.
So the more I thought about this topic, the more I realized that I just worry way too much. I expect myself to have all this control over situational things. I have bonds with people that are unbreakable,
yet I long for more. I want clear signs that this is the right person to have in your life and I want
people to just outright say " I really enjoy you!!" If only that more naturally rolled off the tongue. Lucky me, I DO have some people in my life that shower me with such affirmations. I had a great friend call me the other day and say 1. You look great 2. Your a great friend and 3. I appreciate you... Talk about a friendship love tank being filled up!!! Now why wouldn't I have enough courage and make a phone call to reciprocate those feelings or better yet, remember how wonderful that made me feel and share the love with another unsuspecting friend? I know why, I'm not good at putting myself out there like that. Silly excuse, but its definitely out of my comfort zone to receive compliments like that, let alone give them!
This past weekend I was invited to a crafty weekend away. I knew about half of the ladies before the weekend began, so naturally for me I was a little nervous about how my time would go. Especially considering I am NOT a crafter. What a wonderful bunch to be introduced to. I learned a few things this weekend that I feel will help me be a better friend. We laughed a lot, there was a lot of listening- like really really listening and there was genuine interest. There were people that I had just met for
the first time that cared about how situations made me feel and they asked questions and they cared. It made me realize that it's all about time. We're not always going to have time, and we can't expect others to be available constantly. Truth be told, if given the right opportunity friendships can be cultivated. It's nurturing them that becomes a task.
What kind of friend are you? Do you like to listen? Are you ever frustrated because your the one who always has to make the call to get together or catch up? Get over it, some of us are just not first step takers. My apologies for living such a double life.. Extremely shy yet overwhelmingly full of thought. I can't be the only one that has a personality like that.. Can I? I know, I confuse myself. Lucky for me, I have a blog where I can just blatantly say "I struggle with communication".. Some people get misdiagnosed as snobs or not willing to make the effort. For me, this is not the case at all. I'm probably the one sitting across the room from you that just wishes I could get the nerve to say "I follow you silently on Facebook, because I'm interested and I care". Which brings me to Facebook...
Such a neat piece of technology, yet it allows us into people's lives without actually letting them know. Realistically, I don't know how many of my hundred or so friends want to read what I post. I
don't know how many people genuinely think "Glad to be able to see those kids grow up". I know that sometimes people "like" what I share, but outside of that, do we really make the effort? I was spoiled again, a friend I've only gotten the chance to breeze the surface with messaged me. I met her at the mom group I attend. Not sure if she reads my blog or not, but she said the sweetest things about Noah. She works in his school and had the opportunity to work with him since he has specialized programs. What a sweet lady, to make the effort and let me know that she thought Noah was a sweet and hardworking boy. She lifted me up and gave me confidence with her little Facebook message. That's what friends are for, that's what I need to remind myself to aim for. I want to empower my friends and just let them know I care and not just fly under the radar and be interested from afar. I wasn't expecting the message, and the element of surprise brought me to tears.
Sometimes friendships are not easy. There are times we have disagreements and feelings get hurt. Misunderstanding has been the biggest reason I can diagnose in my life for friendship failure. The hard part with that is, for most of us, conflict is terrifying. However, I find it much more horrific to tip toe around my hurt feelings. There comes a time where you owe it to ourself to just say "hey, that kinda hurt me". You should not have to compromise your values or your feelings to have friends. The flip side of that is to remember those little things in us called hOrMoNeS!!!!! Think about your words before you spit them out. Once you've spoken, the words cannot be taken back. Some friends of mine use the toothpaste analogy. Words are like toothpaste, once you squeeze that paste out of the tube, there is no way to get it back in there. In my whole 25 years of life experience (please don't discredit me!!!!!) I have come to realize that conversations are a bit like this...... There is what you said, what they heard, what you meant and what they felt.. Those variables are not always going to align. Be understanding that not everybody might be as open to other people's thoughts and opinions or ways of communicating. Not everybody has gotten the chance to research or be enlightened about the many ways people may feel, either.
My last point on friendships is really this... Be the type of friend you would love to have. Be honest, forgiving, easy going and LOVING. Love your friends through the good times and especially through the bad. If your noticing that your the armpit in some of your friendships, freshen up!! Haha.. But really, not all friendships are meant to thrive. Don't feel guilty for it. Some people just need a wake up call that the way they behave has negative effects on your friendship. Be as forgiving as you can, but be honest. Pray. Then pray some more. If the relationship is toxic, you cordially move on. Moving on means not dragging that baggage with you. There is no need to continually remind our friends of that persons shortcomings.
Whew, that was a whirlwind for me to write.
Onto a few notes about my sweet little family. Tonight Noah was razzed up and not listening so I said to him... Is there something wrong with your hearing???? I instantly felt like such a jerk. My husband shrugged it off, an there I stood with both hands over my face in tears. Ummmmm toothpaste. What is wrong with me somedays?? I love these kids beyond my words, but I still struggle to relate sometimes. Miles has been expanding his vocabulary and I have recently made note of how sweet his heart really is. If I say ouch!! He will run over to me and say "what's a matter mommy? What happened". He will then kiss my ouchie and say "all better!!" He doesn't miss a beat and is really looking forward to nice outside weather. Kendra is still loving school, and loves to talk.. A lot. She makes more and more sense everyday.
My backyard is a giant icicle, so my prayer request is that those traveling get where they need to safely and that those that get to stay home, appreciate their families and avoid cabin fever :)
Blessings, dear friends!
Monday, March 25, 2013
A good teacher is willing to be taught
I'm often reminded that when I was younger, I was quite the pain in theeee bottom! My older brother frequently reminds me that I cried everyday, needed my socks put on just perfect so they didn't "poke" my feet and was very particular about my hair. The other day, I went to my moms house and she said to me.. "You would have never let bumps like that in your hair fly at the age" referring to how I had prepared my 3 year old daughters hair. The funny part about those stories is..you totally get what you give! My daughter protests when her socks are not perfectly straight and that very day my mom mentioned the bumps in her hair, she had a fit about the way I was doing it so I just through it up in a pony tail with no extra TLC. They do say the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and I guess it's safe to say, even with all our quirks.. I really hope my children grow up to be like there good old mom and dad. That being said, it challenges me to be more patient and kind with my actions and words.
Noah celebrated his 1/2 birthday at school the other week. Who knew, but it was a big celebration including a hand made hat. He reminded me that he is 5 1/2 and that he is getting bigger everyday. Noah is doing really excellent in school. I'm glad that he went to kindergarden this year, his teachers were right. He was up for the challenge :). I've been trying to encourage Noah to be forgiving and understanding. I think it's a bit of a hard concept when your only 5 1/2 :) Often times he will say... Thats not fair!!! Sometimes life doesn't seem fair, but its given us some good opportunities to explain that we don't get to be the decider of the way life plays out. Just this morning when I was getting Noah ready for school I told him that today he could have school lunch because I didn't quite have time to put together his home lunch. Seriously, this kid has only eaten the school lunch MAYBE 10 times this whole school year. He says to me, "uhhhh, well that is not fair!". I looked at him with my signature MOM look (the one that says -- child, this conversation is not going to happen). To which he replied "What?? All fall short of the glory of God, ok mom!?!". Stunned at Noah pulling the Sparks verse card on me, especially because of the attitude he through in with it I just said "Noah!?" Finally he looked down at the floor like the best of boys would and said "ok... I can eat school lunch just for today". I was explaining to him a couple of weeks ago how we don't want to live a life thats fair and how Jesus died for our sins so we did not have to. It kind of coupled with his AWANA review verse that he was working on and he had some good thought provoking questions. Isn't it funny that I could be training myself on the same lessons I'm trying to get my 5 year old to understand?? A week ago Sunday, my aunt passed away. She was one of my Dad's sisters, living on the same Indian reservation they grew up on. When I learned of the news I thought.. Really? That just doesn't seem fair that my cousins would have to mourn the loss over the unepected death of their mother. Interesting how that works. It was a news flash for me this morning when Noah seemed to be taking in the lesson better than I have been coping for a week now...
My aunt Carol... had that same flowy black hair as my Dad. Hers was straight as a whip and I can remember it at times getting very long. She came to visit us in MN about 10 years ago. My dad was still alive. We had a girls day and went shopping in Sioux Falls. I remember my aunts hair being sooooo looong. We were walking in the mall and she said, I think it's time to donate this hair to someone else and start over. Just like that, with no attachment, she went in and got 14 inches cut off her hair to donate. She talked about how she had hoped it would go to a little girl that needed it. My most fond memories of my aunt were when I was pretty little. We lived in a VERY small town in North Dakota. I think the population was maybe 300ish?? Maybe not even, sorry Hatton-ites, my memory slips me. We moved to Hatton when I was just a tiny baby. We moved into my uncle Wayne and Aunt Carols house. They had two kids, and still welcomed us in. My parents were trying to get a good start at life and had found a good job at a potato plant nearby. We lived there, maybe a year? I only know from the stories that were told of this time. So I lived there the first year of my life, and then spent about the next 10 begging to go back to Auntie Carols house. I remember she would braid my hair, just right. She had so much tolerance for my little annoying perfections I had. We would go for walks and play at the park. She would take me to the Farmers Den and we would have coffee and pop. Her house was just a short way from the Dairy Bar, where we would get ice cream cones dipped in peanuts. I remember my cousin Nicole was just old enough to think I was too young to hang around with her. She had a similar feeling about me as I did about my sister (and she is 5 years younger than me). However, my aunt Carol always hung onto a big tote of Barbies and accessories for me to play with. Often, she would convince Nicole to play with me. I was spoiled, I was loved. My cousin Uriah would "let" me play Nintendo with him. Mario was the best game. He was player 1, I was player 2.. :) I enjoyed it, even though being player 2 when player 1 is a master at the game means you never get to play. You see, until player 1 loses a mario life, player 2 does not get to play. I don't even know if I realized it, I was just there -a part of there family, playing. Cousins are an important part of me, and Uriah and Nicole were like an extra set of older siblings for me. The hardest part of my aunts funeral was seeing the hurt in there eyes and watching them wipe their tears. What I kick myself about is that I didn't even say anything. During the visitation there was a moment where anyone could have stood up and shared whatever they like about Carol. I wish, for my cousins sake I would have stood up and talked about some of those times. I wish I would have mentioned her laugh... it was truly one of a kind.
Spending some time with my cousins and seeing my aunts and uncles reminded me a lot of my Dad. All in good ways. My dad was a jokester, so of course there are some wild jokes that my dad told and my cousins remember to this day. The best one is when my mom was expecting her 4th child and they found out it was a boy. He would tell everyone that he was going to name him Oscar Seymour Lonewolf Lenoir. They would all just laugh because it was clear that he was just razzing my mom. He never wavered from the Oscar talk, but my brother, for his own sake was named Nicholas Lee :). I'm thankful that they have some good memories about Dad that they could share. After he passed there was a little bit of uncertainty in my mind. I was so young when we moved to MN, would they even think of me as a Lenoir?? There was not a shadow of doubt, my ND family loves me. I haven't been hugged so hard by so many people in all my life. I belonged. I still belong. I told my husband that I had to leave Belcourt before I developed a complex. I don't think I have ever been told how beautiful I have grown to be by so many people in my life. I just felt like a million bucks. It reminded me how important it is to love people and let them know they are loved.
I came back home and as expected, Miles was the happiest to see me :) The other two were happy we were home too, Kendra most excited to see her Dad and Noah half way indifferent. Miles gave me his big hugs and flashed his beautiful smile. I can see my relatives in my kids. They belong just as much as I belong. Were different, ears and all-- but I think that is just something I have to get over. It doesn't make us not belong to our families or unacceptable. I can't wait til we make a visit to ND that is for joy and family and not just sorrow with our family. It was a long ride, about 10 hours one way, but sooo worth it to be there for my cousins. The best phrase that sticks in my mind from this past week is that the God in the good times, is the same God in the bad times.
I put together a little slideshow video of my little rugrats. Its a little background and history of my family... check it out here :http://youtu.be/eWsxHXCL0wU
Noah celebrated his 1/2 birthday at school the other week. Who knew, but it was a big celebration including a hand made hat. He reminded me that he is 5 1/2 and that he is getting bigger everyday. Noah is doing really excellent in school. I'm glad that he went to kindergarden this year, his teachers were right. He was up for the challenge :). I've been trying to encourage Noah to be forgiving and understanding. I think it's a bit of a hard concept when your only 5 1/2 :) Often times he will say... Thats not fair!!! Sometimes life doesn't seem fair, but its given us some good opportunities to explain that we don't get to be the decider of the way life plays out. Just this morning when I was getting Noah ready for school I told him that today he could have school lunch because I didn't quite have time to put together his home lunch. Seriously, this kid has only eaten the school lunch MAYBE 10 times this whole school year. He says to me, "uhhhh, well that is not fair!". I looked at him with my signature MOM look (the one that says -- child, this conversation is not going to happen). To which he replied "What?? All fall short of the glory of God, ok mom!?!". Stunned at Noah pulling the Sparks verse card on me, especially because of the attitude he through in with it I just said "Noah!?" Finally he looked down at the floor like the best of boys would and said "ok... I can eat school lunch just for today". I was explaining to him a couple of weeks ago how we don't want to live a life thats fair and how Jesus died for our sins so we did not have to. It kind of coupled with his AWANA review verse that he was working on and he had some good thought provoking questions. Isn't it funny that I could be training myself on the same lessons I'm trying to get my 5 year old to understand?? A week ago Sunday, my aunt passed away. She was one of my Dad's sisters, living on the same Indian reservation they grew up on. When I learned of the news I thought.. Really? That just doesn't seem fair that my cousins would have to mourn the loss over the unepected death of their mother. Interesting how that works. It was a news flash for me this morning when Noah seemed to be taking in the lesson better than I have been coping for a week now...
My aunt Carol... had that same flowy black hair as my Dad. Hers was straight as a whip and I can remember it at times getting very long. She came to visit us in MN about 10 years ago. My dad was still alive. We had a girls day and went shopping in Sioux Falls. I remember my aunts hair being sooooo looong. We were walking in the mall and she said, I think it's time to donate this hair to someone else and start over. Just like that, with no attachment, she went in and got 14 inches cut off her hair to donate. She talked about how she had hoped it would go to a little girl that needed it. My most fond memories of my aunt were when I was pretty little. We lived in a VERY small town in North Dakota. I think the population was maybe 300ish?? Maybe not even, sorry Hatton-ites, my memory slips me. We moved to Hatton when I was just a tiny baby. We moved into my uncle Wayne and Aunt Carols house. They had two kids, and still welcomed us in. My parents were trying to get a good start at life and had found a good job at a potato plant nearby. We lived there, maybe a year? I only know from the stories that were told of this time. So I lived there the first year of my life, and then spent about the next 10 begging to go back to Auntie Carols house. I remember she would braid my hair, just right. She had so much tolerance for my little annoying perfections I had. We would go for walks and play at the park. She would take me to the Farmers Den and we would have coffee and pop. Her house was just a short way from the Dairy Bar, where we would get ice cream cones dipped in peanuts. I remember my cousin Nicole was just old enough to think I was too young to hang around with her. She had a similar feeling about me as I did about my sister (and she is 5 years younger than me). However, my aunt Carol always hung onto a big tote of Barbies and accessories for me to play with. Often, she would convince Nicole to play with me. I was spoiled, I was loved. My cousin Uriah would "let" me play Nintendo with him. Mario was the best game. He was player 1, I was player 2.. :) I enjoyed it, even though being player 2 when player 1 is a master at the game means you never get to play. You see, until player 1 loses a mario life, player 2 does not get to play. I don't even know if I realized it, I was just there -a part of there family, playing. Cousins are an important part of me, and Uriah and Nicole were like an extra set of older siblings for me. The hardest part of my aunts funeral was seeing the hurt in there eyes and watching them wipe their tears. What I kick myself about is that I didn't even say anything. During the visitation there was a moment where anyone could have stood up and shared whatever they like about Carol. I wish, for my cousins sake I would have stood up and talked about some of those times. I wish I would have mentioned her laugh... it was truly one of a kind.
Spending some time with my cousins and seeing my aunts and uncles reminded me a lot of my Dad. All in good ways. My dad was a jokester, so of course there are some wild jokes that my dad told and my cousins remember to this day. The best one is when my mom was expecting her 4th child and they found out it was a boy. He would tell everyone that he was going to name him Oscar Seymour Lonewolf Lenoir. They would all just laugh because it was clear that he was just razzing my mom. He never wavered from the Oscar talk, but my brother, for his own sake was named Nicholas Lee :). I'm thankful that they have some good memories about Dad that they could share. After he passed there was a little bit of uncertainty in my mind. I was so young when we moved to MN, would they even think of me as a Lenoir?? There was not a shadow of doubt, my ND family loves me. I haven't been hugged so hard by so many people in all my life. I belonged. I still belong. I told my husband that I had to leave Belcourt before I developed a complex. I don't think I have ever been told how beautiful I have grown to be by so many people in my life. I just felt like a million bucks. It reminded me how important it is to love people and let them know they are loved.
I came back home and as expected, Miles was the happiest to see me :) The other two were happy we were home too, Kendra most excited to see her Dad and Noah half way indifferent. Miles gave me his big hugs and flashed his beautiful smile. I can see my relatives in my kids. They belong just as much as I belong. Were different, ears and all-- but I think that is just something I have to get over. It doesn't make us not belong to our families or unacceptable. I can't wait til we make a visit to ND that is for joy and family and not just sorrow with our family. It was a long ride, about 10 hours one way, but sooo worth it to be there for my cousins. The best phrase that sticks in my mind from this past week is that the God in the good times, is the same God in the bad times.
I put together a little slideshow video of my little rugrats. Its a little background and history of my family... check it out here :http://youtu.be/eWsxHXCL0wU
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
..Patient in affliction..
Two years ago, Miles was not even a month old and I remember sitting in my home in St. James, his dad was at work and Noah and Kendra were watching Veggie Tales, Minnesota Cuke and the search for Noahs umbrella. I can remember this distinctly and it was like a moment frozen in time. I looked at my little Kendra, with her short baby hair faced towards me and next to her was my Noah. From the back you can see there CI's attached to there heads, and you can see Noahs colorful Hearing aid as it sticks above his ear. I remember being uneasy about the at birth hearing screening Miles had and wondering why my kids would be the ones who would have to stick out. It was in that moment, inspired by the story of Noahs Ark my kids were listening to, I decided I needed to BE STILL, and LISTEN. I need to be like Noah and listen to what God was asking of me, no matter how hard or how painful, how much work or how many people would question me. I needed to be a mother to my special little angels and I needed to embrace this life for all that it was. Honestly, I wanted badly for Miles to be a hearing child. Badly. I feel horrible for all the time I spent hoping I could have one child who could hear without any issues. With only 25% chance of having a hearing loss, I just prayed, selfishly, that I could have one "normal" baby. When Miles was born, we slammed the door on the cart that held the diapers and he stirred... I was so thankful. The next day his at birth screening revealed that he did indeed have a hearing issue, the degree of the loss needed to be determined by further testing. I was angry. I was soo mad that this could happen again. 25%... only 25%... Why God?? Well, about a month later, after many sleepless nights I was resting on my couch nursing Miles and Noah turned to me and said, repeating after his movie, "It's important to trust God, right mom?"... Right Noah, you are right.
A year ago, I was a quiet young mom of 3. I stayed home most of my days because my two littlest ones were quite a handfull and I was not really prepared for whatever the world would throw at me. I couldn't handle stares, I didn't like confrontations and questions about my kids, I was not confident. I prayed and prayed and prayed... for peace, confidence in my decisions and to be graceful towards those who might not understand my family dynamics. I decided to start journaling on a monthly basis. I took notes, wrote down successes of my children and goals achieved and also made note of some struggles I was having. I started seeing my life as a purposeful and worthy of sharing journey. I know some people may feel like I share too much, but this has kind of been my release. I write my raw emotions and get it off my chest.. then I can reflect on how I have been feeling and it helps me grow. I'm no longer stuck in a rutt of pity, wondering why me.. so I hope that it does not come across as though I'm looking for someone to fix my problems or that I'm a chronic complainer. This past year has been rewarding for me, and I'm thankful for my followers. Though praise and compassion is not what I was aiming for, it has definitely been what I have been recieving.
2012 was a year I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I started this blog and shared some of my deepest feelings. I've written about my family, the passing of my father and about my children and there struggles and triumphs. What I'm the most in awe of is the fact that I have been able to verbally share some insight into my life. I have never been a public speaker, in fact my dad made me this picture and I found it in with letters from him. I must have written to him about a speech class I was in or something, but it was sort of a comic and it read "the human brain never shuts down, until the moment you step in front of a crowd" haha, so me! However, I have been working through it, Lord willing. I feel like I have had a couple successful talks in groups and it really has helped my self confidence!!
Yes!! I did find the letters written from my dad. I really re-discovered the beauty and time-less-ness of hand written notes. How special to have something to hold onto, that was held in the hands of a loved one. I WILL get better about hand written notes, I think I have already been on the upward swing of it. I found the letters written from my dad and have been referring to them often. I recently shared a small paragraph from one of his letters that referred to a couple of my cousins. He spoke highly of them and mentioned that he loved one of my cousins like he was his own son and hoped that he would not make the same mistakes that my dad did. If I know my cousin like I think I do, this note meant a lot to him. My dad was very close to him. I feel like you can say whatever you want to people, they can take it and internalize it or chose not to. I know I am HORRIBLE at recieving compliments. Sometimes, I don't even know how to acknolwedge them. I'm working on it... with a long way to go!!
Now, for what I am most excited to share.... Kendra is 37.5 months old, but she is testing in certain categories up to 42 months!!! Praise the Lord!!!!! Were doing it, we are doing it and were doing it well I have to say. Miles is keeping right up there with Kendra although there is no data to share on him. Since he does not have any cochlear implants, he has far fewer appointments and that means less testing. I can definitely say that boy is doing his best to keep up with his brother and sister. Noah is having an awesome year at school, and I cannot believe how much he can read!!!!??!! He read me an entire book the other night and I could have just cried. Five years ago, the goal was to have him ready for Kindergarten by the time he turned six. He is 5 1/2 and READING!!!!
It isn't always easy, and the world doesn't always understand. I went to the post office and had a lady tell me that Kendra would be pretty if it weren't for her ear pieces. I was hurt, yet my instant reaction was just to smile at her and walk away. What would I have accomplished by telling her how insensitive I found her? Nothing. Instead, I hope we left her with the impression that were OK. Were different and that is OK! I did cry and felt sorry for her... but that was short lived. Kendra nurtured me asking "whats a mater Mommy?" and how could I be sad about anything?? What a beautiful heart that girl has, and I'm proud to call her my daughter.
Realistically, I am painfully human and in constant need of reminders. I get bent out of shape and my feelings get hurt and I have hard days. Lucky for me, I have a bible :) Today I wound up in Romans and found this sticking out:
Romans 12:12 (NIV) Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Being patient during trial, tribulations, pain etc.. is not always easy, but its important to trust God.
A year ago, I was a quiet young mom of 3. I stayed home most of my days because my two littlest ones were quite a handfull and I was not really prepared for whatever the world would throw at me. I couldn't handle stares, I didn't like confrontations and questions about my kids, I was not confident. I prayed and prayed and prayed... for peace, confidence in my decisions and to be graceful towards those who might not understand my family dynamics. I decided to start journaling on a monthly basis. I took notes, wrote down successes of my children and goals achieved and also made note of some struggles I was having. I started seeing my life as a purposeful and worthy of sharing journey. I know some people may feel like I share too much, but this has kind of been my release. I write my raw emotions and get it off my chest.. then I can reflect on how I have been feeling and it helps me grow. I'm no longer stuck in a rutt of pity, wondering why me.. so I hope that it does not come across as though I'm looking for someone to fix my problems or that I'm a chronic complainer. This past year has been rewarding for me, and I'm thankful for my followers. Though praise and compassion is not what I was aiming for, it has definitely been what I have been recieving.
2012 was a year I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I started this blog and shared some of my deepest feelings. I've written about my family, the passing of my father and about my children and there struggles and triumphs. What I'm the most in awe of is the fact that I have been able to verbally share some insight into my life. I have never been a public speaker, in fact my dad made me this picture and I found it in with letters from him. I must have written to him about a speech class I was in or something, but it was sort of a comic and it read "the human brain never shuts down, until the moment you step in front of a crowd" haha, so me! However, I have been working through it, Lord willing. I feel like I have had a couple successful talks in groups and it really has helped my self confidence!!
Yes!! I did find the letters written from my dad. I really re-discovered the beauty and time-less-ness of hand written notes. How special to have something to hold onto, that was held in the hands of a loved one. I WILL get better about hand written notes, I think I have already been on the upward swing of it. I found the letters written from my dad and have been referring to them often. I recently shared a small paragraph from one of his letters that referred to a couple of my cousins. He spoke highly of them and mentioned that he loved one of my cousins like he was his own son and hoped that he would not make the same mistakes that my dad did. If I know my cousin like I think I do, this note meant a lot to him. My dad was very close to him. I feel like you can say whatever you want to people, they can take it and internalize it or chose not to. I know I am HORRIBLE at recieving compliments. Sometimes, I don't even know how to acknolwedge them. I'm working on it... with a long way to go!!
Now, for what I am most excited to share.... Kendra is 37.5 months old, but she is testing in certain categories up to 42 months!!! Praise the Lord!!!!! Were doing it, we are doing it and were doing it well I have to say. Miles is keeping right up there with Kendra although there is no data to share on him. Since he does not have any cochlear implants, he has far fewer appointments and that means less testing. I can definitely say that boy is doing his best to keep up with his brother and sister. Noah is having an awesome year at school, and I cannot believe how much he can read!!!!??!! He read me an entire book the other night and I could have just cried. Five years ago, the goal was to have him ready for Kindergarten by the time he turned six. He is 5 1/2 and READING!!!!
It isn't always easy, and the world doesn't always understand. I went to the post office and had a lady tell me that Kendra would be pretty if it weren't for her ear pieces. I was hurt, yet my instant reaction was just to smile at her and walk away. What would I have accomplished by telling her how insensitive I found her? Nothing. Instead, I hope we left her with the impression that were OK. Were different and that is OK! I did cry and felt sorry for her... but that was short lived. Kendra nurtured me asking "whats a mater Mommy?" and how could I be sad about anything?? What a beautiful heart that girl has, and I'm proud to call her my daughter.
Realistically, I am painfully human and in constant need of reminders. I get bent out of shape and my feelings get hurt and I have hard days. Lucky for me, I have a bible :) Today I wound up in Romans and found this sticking out:
Romans 12:12 (NIV) Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Being patient during trial, tribulations, pain etc.. is not always easy, but its important to trust God.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Tips and Tricks from a mom who admittedly does NOT have it all together...
Since we have purchased a house and we have moved in, making it our own, I have started using some "home standards" as part of my weekly routine. I know, funny right? I do NOT claim to have it all together (most moms with young kids cannot make that claim..) However, I have found some really useful tips that make being home even more rewarding.
1.) I have set out specific laundry days, and stuck to my guns on it. Before, laundry was my biggest yuck.. if you know what I mean. I never really wanted to work on it, so by the time I got to it there was always a mountains worth waiting on me. Recently what has been working for me is laundry only 3 days a week. I only do laundry on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday (if I know Saturday is too booked, I do it Friday). This has been helpful because now I don't allow laundry to make me feel like a failure everyday when I chose not to do it. The trick is.. I do it from start to finish. I have enabled that annoying little buzzer on my dryer, and when it goes off I get the clothes out of the dryer and immediately fold and put away. Socks and all... my mom would be so proud -- or in disbelief :)
2.) Hearts at Home this past year had an interesting guest speaker known as the "Fly Lady"... I honestly am not that familiar with her, but you could google her and learn some interesting stuff!! Anyways, one of the things she said at her little session was to avoid "hotspots". Who doesn't have a catch all space that gets cluttered and quickly becomes an eyesore?? Well, this was one of my biggest peeves (especially in our rental where we literally did not have any counterspace). The trick to avoiding being taken over by "hotspots" is to be INTENTIONAL. Hang a nail, so there is a place to set your keys. Put up a pin-up board if you like to write and keep notes. Find an envelope holder to place your mail. Buy a small rubbermaid container (can double as recycling container) to store away your weekly shopper or magazines. Find a cute basket to put all your hearing equipment... wait, maybe that was just helpful for me :). The point is, for me it seemed like it was the same things that were cluttering up my hot spots. There was a small amount of training that went along with this one, and trust me, I am still working on it! Your kids, or your husband may not share the same feelings as you about avoiding cluttered counters. The trick is not to continuously put there junk in the appropriate places, but instead kindly ask that they find a home for it themselves :)
3.) Do you have a dishwasher????? Ohhh boy, they are amazing. Not to say that life can't go on without one, but what a luxury. BUT, dont abuse it!!!! It should be used as a TEMPORARY holding spot for your dishes. As soon as you dirty a dish, place it in the dishwasher. I have my 3 and 5 year old (working on the 2 yr old ;)) already doing this for themselves!! The only way I can expect them to help me with this though, is by holding up my end of the bargain. I run the dishwasher before bed, and empty it in the morning. If I fill it up early in the day (which I would do if I was a supermom.. making baked goods or something really fun like that, HA) I run it as soon as its a full load. Ok friends, this may be hard to hear... but if you do not have enough space for all of your dishes to be clean and put away, you might have too much JUNK!! I mean really, do you need to have 5 loaf pans?? 3 9x13's?? And in the event you do need extra of some of these things, use a lifeline!! Phone a friend, call a neighbor :) Get rid of some STUFF!!!! Ok, so if you don't have a dishwasher - life goes on. It is still important to keep your kitchen tidy. If your anything like me, having a clean kitchen builds up your self esteem and makes you enjoy the "small" things more easily. The benefits far out weigh the work. Clean kitchen (for me) = feeling successful, desiring to make meals, not spending as much $$ eating things not prepared in my kitchen, happy to open the door to unsuspecting drop-by's.... in short it makes me feel more confident.
4.) Don't be afraid to have a "toy zone". Let your kids play, be creative and enjoy all the plastic stuff that gets bought for them throughout the years :). If its at all possible, keep it to a specific area. I'm not kidding, if you saw my basement right now -- where I happen to be writing this blog (instead of tidying it up.. whoops) you would think, ay-yi-yi... that place needs some work :) But you know what, I'm okay with the kids playing here and getting out whatever toy there heart desires. Its nice that I can walk away from this area and it is not standard for my whole house to have toys strewn throughout. There was a time where I felt like our home was a free-for all. Watch out, you might be headed to the ER if you step on the wrong teenage mutant ninja turtle!! There were toys everywhere and I felt like I was constantly following behind the kids and trying to clear a spot for safe travelling by foot. Once again, this may mean changing some habits or getting creative about finding a toy zone. What this has done for me... its helped me to let my kids be kids and not have to live in a disaster zone.
5.) RADIO IN THE KITCHEN. Its worth the investment, do it! That is it, just do it!
6.) Menu planning. Who likes to decide what your having for supper ALL-THE-TIME!?!? Not me. Ask for suggestions and plan according to the weekly sales ad at your grocery store. When you take the thought out of it, somehow it is that much easier. Your hamburger is unthawed and ready to go and your helper is just sitting on the counter in its little box ready to be dumped in ;) (sometimes I have to get creative myself, because the request of cheeseburger mac can only be fulfilled soooo many times :)) Seriously, it does help.
7.) Last but not least, remember to count your blessings. Take a second to realize and appreciate some of the little things. If you have a good enough friend that you can start your sentence with "I'm not really proud... but," you have a GREAT friend. If you have a husband that doesn't leave the house without a kiss.. you have an amazing husband. If you have a child that is full of energy and questions and spunk and life and mischief --- you are blessed. Sometimes I am sooo guilty of mistaking things. I will not look deep enough to see the blessing because I will be stuck on the annoyance. My example here is that my kids are ALWAYS hungry... for whatever is in the junk/snack cupboard. I should really be more focused on the fact that we are fortunate to have some of that stuff.
Friends, there is almost always a bright side. You might have to dig a little to learn the lesson, but its there :)
1.) I have set out specific laundry days, and stuck to my guns on it. Before, laundry was my biggest yuck.. if you know what I mean. I never really wanted to work on it, so by the time I got to it there was always a mountains worth waiting on me. Recently what has been working for me is laundry only 3 days a week. I only do laundry on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday (if I know Saturday is too booked, I do it Friday). This has been helpful because now I don't allow laundry to make me feel like a failure everyday when I chose not to do it. The trick is.. I do it from start to finish. I have enabled that annoying little buzzer on my dryer, and when it goes off I get the clothes out of the dryer and immediately fold and put away. Socks and all... my mom would be so proud -- or in disbelief :)
2.) Hearts at Home this past year had an interesting guest speaker known as the "Fly Lady"... I honestly am not that familiar with her, but you could google her and learn some interesting stuff!! Anyways, one of the things she said at her little session was to avoid "hotspots". Who doesn't have a catch all space that gets cluttered and quickly becomes an eyesore?? Well, this was one of my biggest peeves (especially in our rental where we literally did not have any counterspace). The trick to avoiding being taken over by "hotspots" is to be INTENTIONAL. Hang a nail, so there is a place to set your keys. Put up a pin-up board if you like to write and keep notes. Find an envelope holder to place your mail. Buy a small rubbermaid container (can double as recycling container) to store away your weekly shopper or magazines. Find a cute basket to put all your hearing equipment... wait, maybe that was just helpful for me :). The point is, for me it seemed like it was the same things that were cluttering up my hot spots. There was a small amount of training that went along with this one, and trust me, I am still working on it! Your kids, or your husband may not share the same feelings as you about avoiding cluttered counters. The trick is not to continuously put there junk in the appropriate places, but instead kindly ask that they find a home for it themselves :)
3.) Do you have a dishwasher????? Ohhh boy, they are amazing. Not to say that life can't go on without one, but what a luxury. BUT, dont abuse it!!!! It should be used as a TEMPORARY holding spot for your dishes. As soon as you dirty a dish, place it in the dishwasher. I have my 3 and 5 year old (working on the 2 yr old ;)) already doing this for themselves!! The only way I can expect them to help me with this though, is by holding up my end of the bargain. I run the dishwasher before bed, and empty it in the morning. If I fill it up early in the day (which I would do if I was a supermom.. making baked goods or something really fun like that, HA) I run it as soon as its a full load. Ok friends, this may be hard to hear... but if you do not have enough space for all of your dishes to be clean and put away, you might have too much JUNK!! I mean really, do you need to have 5 loaf pans?? 3 9x13's?? And in the event you do need extra of some of these things, use a lifeline!! Phone a friend, call a neighbor :) Get rid of some STUFF!!!! Ok, so if you don't have a dishwasher - life goes on. It is still important to keep your kitchen tidy. If your anything like me, having a clean kitchen builds up your self esteem and makes you enjoy the "small" things more easily. The benefits far out weigh the work. Clean kitchen (for me) = feeling successful, desiring to make meals, not spending as much $$ eating things not prepared in my kitchen, happy to open the door to unsuspecting drop-by's.... in short it makes me feel more confident.
4.) Don't be afraid to have a "toy zone". Let your kids play, be creative and enjoy all the plastic stuff that gets bought for them throughout the years :). If its at all possible, keep it to a specific area. I'm not kidding, if you saw my basement right now -- where I happen to be writing this blog (instead of tidying it up.. whoops) you would think, ay-yi-yi... that place needs some work :) But you know what, I'm okay with the kids playing here and getting out whatever toy there heart desires. Its nice that I can walk away from this area and it is not standard for my whole house to have toys strewn throughout. There was a time where I felt like our home was a free-for all. Watch out, you might be headed to the ER if you step on the wrong teenage mutant ninja turtle!! There were toys everywhere and I felt like I was constantly following behind the kids and trying to clear a spot for safe travelling by foot. Once again, this may mean changing some habits or getting creative about finding a toy zone. What this has done for me... its helped me to let my kids be kids and not have to live in a disaster zone.
5.) RADIO IN THE KITCHEN. Its worth the investment, do it! That is it, just do it!
6.) Menu planning. Who likes to decide what your having for supper ALL-THE-TIME!?!? Not me. Ask for suggestions and plan according to the weekly sales ad at your grocery store. When you take the thought out of it, somehow it is that much easier. Your hamburger is unthawed and ready to go and your helper is just sitting on the counter in its little box ready to be dumped in ;) (sometimes I have to get creative myself, because the request of cheeseburger mac can only be fulfilled soooo many times :)) Seriously, it does help.
7.) Last but not least, remember to count your blessings. Take a second to realize and appreciate some of the little things. If you have a good enough friend that you can start your sentence with "I'm not really proud... but," you have a GREAT friend. If you have a husband that doesn't leave the house without a kiss.. you have an amazing husband. If you have a child that is full of energy and questions and spunk and life and mischief --- you are blessed. Sometimes I am sooo guilty of mistaking things. I will not look deep enough to see the blessing because I will be stuck on the annoyance. My example here is that my kids are ALWAYS hungry... for whatever is in the junk/snack cupboard. I should really be more focused on the fact that we are fortunate to have some of that stuff.
Friends, there is almost always a bright side. You might have to dig a little to learn the lesson, but its there :)
Friday, February 8, 2013
Powerless
I am settling nicely into my new house! Woohoo for that. We now have distractions... aka cable :) It has been an interesting week with Miles running a fever and Kendra not feeling up to par Tuesday. Poor babies, so we have been resting lots and catching up on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse! Since the weather has been better, or I should say warmer, Kendra is getting more used to school. She has enjoyed making pictures and bringing them home to hang on our fridge. She had an appointment on Friday to have her cochlear implant "mapped". Who knew that was going to be so overwhelming for us?!? She used to have it done more regularly, so I guess it wasnt as big of a deal then. this time, she cried, refused to wear her implants and pleaded with me to fix her "broken" ears. I was completely powerless... what an ugly feeling that was! I really wanted to be able to know just what was causing her the discomfort, but I couldnt.. I wanted to hear it for myself, but I couldnt.. I wanted to take away her messed up hearing gene, but I couldnt. I finally just told myself, you have done what you could for this situation.. give it to HIM! So I prayed. Right about that time, a few friends that were expecting me at a getaway retreat that weekend text me.. so I explained what I had going on, and they offered prayer. Just a couple hours later.. maybe around 8 PM, i decided to give the cochlear implants another shot. I carefully put one on, and gently tapped her shoulder and smiled. She gave me a thumbs up (our sign that says... Im ok). I quietly said "yay!!" and of course pushed my luck with her other implant. To my amazement, she gave me another thumbs up!! It was a miraculous turnaround, and Im not even sure how I had the energy to give it another shot that day!! You can tell that she is still adjusting. Im just glad we didn't give up :)
Miles had the toughest week, with an extra sleepy agenda. We mostly just cuddled up on the couch and he would fall asleep in the most awkward of positions. Our flu was not a puke-fest, luckily. There were no messes left behind, just lots of fever, restless nights and naps all day. Today, everyone looks like they are ready to rock! Miles brought me socks as a clue to get a move on and do something!!! HAHA, what a sweet boy :) Noah has been fortunate enough to stay healthy, he would hate to have to miss school!! I'm amazed at that boy. He has such a sweet soul, and kind smile. He always knows just how to turn my frown upside down :)
So I've been searching for some very important letters to me, and have so far been unable to locate them. I have NO idea how I could have been so careless and why I didn't put them somewhere obvious. They are letters that are 10-15 years old, written from my Dad. My heart breaks as I feel helpless searching the same few places :(
I've mentioned that my dad passed away 7 years ago, on Feb. 3rd and that he had leukemia. It was a sudden diagnosed illness that quickly took him. The truth is, I internally battled that fact for a LONG time. The summer of 2006, my dad started to lose his hair a little bit. He had this longer, flowy, silky, thick head of black hair. I just figured it was his old age and hard life that was finally doing his super-model hair in. By November of '06, my dad was noticeably coughing more. I quickly credited smoking for 35+ years as the reason for the cough. In December, my dad was bedridden much of the days. He was always cold, coughing a lot, and very restless yet always resting. My mom said she would find him huddled up with blankets in the bath tub, and one time I found him sleeping in front of a heat register on the steps leading upstairs. We all knew something was really wrong. My mom tried convincing my Dad to go to the Dr. He was always stubborn about these things, and he fired back at my mom that he was fine and it would get better without seeing a Doctor. They argued about it, because my mom was sure he had pneumonia. One time I walked in the door to the house when I knew my mom and brothers and sister were at school. I would just come over from St. James to hang out and have someone to visit during my days off. I said "Dad" and got no response. I walked into the living room slowly and saw my dad on the couch, hunched back with his eyes closed and no expression on his face. Just the way he was slouched off to the side, he looked so lifeless... so I said a bit louder (as my Dads hearing was not the greatest) "DAD!!" and he jolted awake. I was so shaken, and I felt so greatful that he woke up. It was just a crazy feeling, and then I knew.. my mom was right. She had been begging me to convince my Dad to go to the Doctor. I think, like my Dad, I just didn't want it to be that bad. I didn't want his illness to be Doctor-worthy. Finally, it was Christmas time, and I remember waiting until after the festivities and thinking in my head the whole time.. "how am I going to convince my Dad to go to the dr..." Then I devised a plan- I lied :( I told him I had made him 2 appointments, one was right after Christmas and one right after the new year and asked him which one he would like to keep. I went in with the approach that you can't tell me know, your going! He chose the later appointment, of course. So Christmas past, and then it was New Years Eve. My dad and mom had always enjoyed having Matt and I come over and celebrate the new year with them. We always did it big, with lots of food, friends and laughs. This New Year work got crazy, people didn't show up and Matt and I ended up being the only managers to work the whole day-- yep, He worked a 5:30 a.m to 9:30 p.m. and I ended up working a 8 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. It was a snowy day, and somehow we were allowed to close early, or maybe that was Matts executive decision (he was only a 1st assistant manger at the time.. and I was a 2nd) haha. It was a long day, but I remember my dad calling several times to see if I could make it before the snow got too bad. I still feel guilty about that, even though it wasn't my plan to not be there. Finally, it was January 2nd. The day of my Dads appointment. I picked him up for his appointment. Matt came with, what an awesome man I have. We waited in the waiting room, my dads head slunched over as he was resting. Finally, a nurse came over and told us the Doctor would not be able to see him that day, he was delivering a baby and asked if it would be okay if a nurse evaluated him. I agreed for my dad, and they ushered us into a room. I didn't even realize just how weak my dad had become until they asked him to step on the scale, and he couldnt. I had to steady him up there.. his knees were bent and he was uneasy. Just 130 lbs.... 35 lbs under his normal weight. My heart was heavy as the nurse told us they were not sure what was wrong, but they suggested that he go to the hospital to get some liquids in him and figure out why the weight loss was happening. She said it like it was an option.. so my dad said, well I can go home and force liquids. I looked at him and sternly said "No, but we will decline the ambulance ride and I can drive you there". I knew he would want a cigarette, and I took pity on him and his addiction. It was nuts that I would even care for him to have a cigarette, I have NEVER enjoyed the smell and had always advocated that he quit smoking. I just wanted him to have some comfort I guess, in this really uncomfortable situation. I had no idea that would be his last smoke.
So my dad went in for a checkup on Jan. 2nd, was diagnosed with leukemia Jan. 3rd and transported to Sioux Falls hospital. My mom was up there with him, and I know she endured some LOOOONGGG days. Around the end of January, my Dad had already undergone a couple rounds of CHEMO and had a couple of Bone Marrow checks. He was a strong man, complaining of very little.. except those bone marrow checks. Very painful he said. Things were looking up! They told us there was no cure for his leukemia, but that he could be treated and could potentially live another 5 years or so. I was heartbroken at the idea of him living with this and having a tag on when life would be up. My mom was being trained on how to administer medecine and keep my dads medecine port clean. It seemed he would be coming home soon. They even put a date on it, Feb 1st.. it was a Thursday. How exciting, I can remember that I had just got a new car and couldn't wait for my dad to check it out. He is a car guy, loved them and loved working on them. We had taken a walk and what I have come to remember as his last "good" day. We walked the wings of the cancer floor, and my car was parked in a parking garage. It was just right there... but there was a poll blocking the way, so we couldn't see it. My dad had not had much of an appetite, no wonder he had lost all that weight. But that night, he asked for a burger time burger. :) So we all ate supper together, in his hospital room. He ate the whole 2/3 lb burger too. Said it was really good. Matt and I had to get home, it was Sunday and we had to work on Monday. I said well, guess I will see you Thursday at home? He gave me one of his half smiles and said, yea, thats what they said huh? I said aren't you excited to get out of here??? And he said, we'll see, with another half smile. It was like he knew. My mom hasn't said much of the days after that, I think its hard to comprehend because everything changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. By Wed. night, my mom had called me and I was at work doing End of Month inventory. I knew I shouldn't have been on my phone, but I also knew she needed me. Matt was in the cities, at class for work. I didn't know what to say, so I just listened to my mom explain to me how things had just changed and he was so uncomfortable and hostile and delusional. I sat down in the skids of work stock and cried. I didn't know what else to do. I called Matt, and he felt just as helpless for me as I did for my mom. He was in the cities with one day of class left to go. My mom came home on Thursday, without Dad. She needed the break, she needed her own piece of mind, she needed some time for herself. She spent one night at home, and the next morning got a dreaded call. The nurses informed her that Dad wasn't doing too well, and asked if she thought it would be a good time to take him off the meds and let him go. Wow, who knew things could change that quickly... and how can you make a decision like that? We were all overwhelmed, but we traveled to Sioux Falls to be with our Dad. My brother Dustin drove me as I was a complete wreck. I can remember him comforting me by grabbing my hand and saying "Nae, were gonna all get through this".
So we drove to Sioux Falls, My mom, Matt, Sister Ashley, Brothers Dustin and Dylin, Sister in law Desiree, myself, My moms good girlfriend Jerrie, and uncle- my dads brother Ray and good friend of the family June (they both came from North Dakota). When we got to the hospital, my dad was sooo restless. He was moving his hands from side to side, kicking his blankets off, grabbing at his IV's... it was tough to see. My mom was on one side of my dad and my brother had his hand and was on the other. I can just remember the tenderness in my brothers voice as he tried to calm our restless Dad down. After a little while, it seemed to be effective. My brother then said, come here Nae, he would want you here beside him comforting him. I just didn't feel strong enough, but after a little bit of coaxing, I took a couple steps closer and grabbed my dads arm from my brother. I remember holding it with caution (he had a work injury 5 yrs prior, and had lots of pain in his joints specifically in his left hand--the one I was holding). I rubbed his whole arm, and gently held onto his arm and whispered shhh... its okay Dad, were all here now. I'm not sure if it was the medecine or if it was all of us that calmed my dad. All I know is there was a noticeably more comfortable man in front of me. He was no longer responsive, and I couldn't believe it.. what a change of events from less than a week prior. I wanted to spend that night in the hospital room with my dad, but my family urged me to let myself get some rest and stay at the hotel. I was about 5 months pregnant with our little Noah, and they were concerned for my well being. None of us slept much at the hotel, and the next morning we found ourselves in the same room, with my dad being the focus. We decided that maybe it would be best if the younger kids went home, so my sister in law brought them back to Windom. Then we waited. We laughed, and talked about some great stories involving my dad. He was a true story teller, and just like me.. he loved to make people laugh. Sometimes he would say the most ridiculous things, but they were hilarious!! I was sitting at the foot of his bed, my uncle Ray had just finished telling a story my dad had shared with him. I had one eye on my dad at all times.. and I saw him steadily breathe in and then breathe back out-- until just in that moment, there was no more inhaling. I watched for a couple of seconds, until I stood up with tears in my eyes -- I announced, he's not breathing anymore and bolted out of the room to find a nurse. There was a nurse right in front of me as soon as I opened the door, and she must have known. She just immediately hugged me, and I said But my dad.. and she said I know honey. We walked back in the room, and everyone was hugging and crying. Matt gave me the biggest hug of my life and just held me saying "I'm so sorry Nae, I'm so sorry.." And just like that, we said our goodbyes. Mom and I were the last ones in the room with him, and I just didn't feel ready to go yet. She walked towards the door and I followed. I turned around and said "You know Dad, I'm gonna make you proud. I'm going to be a really good mommy, but I need your help"... I told him I loved him and walked out the door.....
When I write it out, it just feels so surreal... the memories are so vivid. When someone passes away, thats when we decide to give them kind compliments and share fond memories. A lot of people didn't get to meet my dad so they don't really know the kind of man he was. Some people did get to meet him, and they got to see the good, bad and the ugly. The truth is, my dad was one of my best friends. We were really close. My older brother and younger sister would say that our relationship was close to a fault. He gave into my whiny ways and allowed me to have whatever I pleased :) I was a daddys girl. My dad also suffered from alcoholism, which meant we didn't always have the best relationship. He was not himself when he was heavily influenced or on drinking binges. He was more angry, not in an abusive or aggressive way, just angry with his words. My mom is the one who got the most of his drunken rages. It was really his words that could cut like a knife. She stood by him regardless, and I know she put up with a lot. I admire her for being such a strong women. My dad would go on drinking binges and be unreliable or just unavailable. Then he would go through a sobering up period where he would be sick, and then he would be normal dad again. We never knew how long it would last. When my dad was drinking, his right from wrong meter would go way out of whack. His biggest offense was taking our family vehicle and drinking and driving. He went to jail on several different occasions--- all for the same reason.. Driving While Intoxicated. I didn't grow up wearing this on my sleeve, not something I was real proud of. But while he was in jail, he would get time to think about life clearly. He would write me letters.. and I still have all of them -somewhere-... In one of his letters he wrote "Your ma tells me you don't think I like you.. I love you my girl, and I always will. This drinking is a disease, not because I don't love you". I'm just thankful I have those words in my dads handwriting... it helps a girl with insecurities get by every now and again. By God's grace, my dad was on one of his longest spurts of sobriety before he got sick. Our family was in unison and our last memories with him are some of the best ones.
So when I talk about my dad, I'm not saying he was a saint. He was a good man, and he would help anyone. He would give the shirt off his back if it meant helping someone in need. He loved my family, especially my mom. My family has never been the I love you type, but my dad would tell me how much my mom meant to him. He confided in me like I was a friend sometimes. I miss our talks and dinos diner lunch dates (and yea.. that place is closed now.. haha). But I am forever thankful for some of lifes lessons that I was able to learn from him. Specifically, the life lesson on being powerless. Sometimes there are situations in life that render us powerless (for example, the hold alcohol had on my dad, or how powerless I felt with Kendras cochlear implant last week). Just because I don't have power over certain situations, does not mean they are hopeless!! My hope is in the Lord, and he is mighty and full of power.
My past makes me who I am today. I like to think of myself as a kind, compassionate, easy to love person. I have seen a lot and been through a lot, its my experiences in life that allow me to know how to be there for people. Life isn't always easy, it sure hasn't been for me. No matter what else this life has in store for me, I know it is all for good reason.
Miles had the toughest week, with an extra sleepy agenda. We mostly just cuddled up on the couch and he would fall asleep in the most awkward of positions. Our flu was not a puke-fest, luckily. There were no messes left behind, just lots of fever, restless nights and naps all day. Today, everyone looks like they are ready to rock! Miles brought me socks as a clue to get a move on and do something!!! HAHA, what a sweet boy :) Noah has been fortunate enough to stay healthy, he would hate to have to miss school!! I'm amazed at that boy. He has such a sweet soul, and kind smile. He always knows just how to turn my frown upside down :)
So I've been searching for some very important letters to me, and have so far been unable to locate them. I have NO idea how I could have been so careless and why I didn't put them somewhere obvious. They are letters that are 10-15 years old, written from my Dad. My heart breaks as I feel helpless searching the same few places :(
I've mentioned that my dad passed away 7 years ago, on Feb. 3rd and that he had leukemia. It was a sudden diagnosed illness that quickly took him. The truth is, I internally battled that fact for a LONG time. The summer of 2006, my dad started to lose his hair a little bit. He had this longer, flowy, silky, thick head of black hair. I just figured it was his old age and hard life that was finally doing his super-model hair in. By November of '06, my dad was noticeably coughing more. I quickly credited smoking for 35+ years as the reason for the cough. In December, my dad was bedridden much of the days. He was always cold, coughing a lot, and very restless yet always resting. My mom said she would find him huddled up with blankets in the bath tub, and one time I found him sleeping in front of a heat register on the steps leading upstairs. We all knew something was really wrong. My mom tried convincing my Dad to go to the Dr. He was always stubborn about these things, and he fired back at my mom that he was fine and it would get better without seeing a Doctor. They argued about it, because my mom was sure he had pneumonia. One time I walked in the door to the house when I knew my mom and brothers and sister were at school. I would just come over from St. James to hang out and have someone to visit during my days off. I said "Dad" and got no response. I walked into the living room slowly and saw my dad on the couch, hunched back with his eyes closed and no expression on his face. Just the way he was slouched off to the side, he looked so lifeless... so I said a bit louder (as my Dads hearing was not the greatest) "DAD!!" and he jolted awake. I was so shaken, and I felt so greatful that he woke up. It was just a crazy feeling, and then I knew.. my mom was right. She had been begging me to convince my Dad to go to the Doctor. I think, like my Dad, I just didn't want it to be that bad. I didn't want his illness to be Doctor-worthy. Finally, it was Christmas time, and I remember waiting until after the festivities and thinking in my head the whole time.. "how am I going to convince my Dad to go to the dr..." Then I devised a plan- I lied :( I told him I had made him 2 appointments, one was right after Christmas and one right after the new year and asked him which one he would like to keep. I went in with the approach that you can't tell me know, your going! He chose the later appointment, of course. So Christmas past, and then it was New Years Eve. My dad and mom had always enjoyed having Matt and I come over and celebrate the new year with them. We always did it big, with lots of food, friends and laughs. This New Year work got crazy, people didn't show up and Matt and I ended up being the only managers to work the whole day-- yep, He worked a 5:30 a.m to 9:30 p.m. and I ended up working a 8 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. It was a snowy day, and somehow we were allowed to close early, or maybe that was Matts executive decision (he was only a 1st assistant manger at the time.. and I was a 2nd) haha. It was a long day, but I remember my dad calling several times to see if I could make it before the snow got too bad. I still feel guilty about that, even though it wasn't my plan to not be there. Finally, it was January 2nd. The day of my Dads appointment. I picked him up for his appointment. Matt came with, what an awesome man I have. We waited in the waiting room, my dads head slunched over as he was resting. Finally, a nurse came over and told us the Doctor would not be able to see him that day, he was delivering a baby and asked if it would be okay if a nurse evaluated him. I agreed for my dad, and they ushered us into a room. I didn't even realize just how weak my dad had become until they asked him to step on the scale, and he couldnt. I had to steady him up there.. his knees were bent and he was uneasy. Just 130 lbs.... 35 lbs under his normal weight. My heart was heavy as the nurse told us they were not sure what was wrong, but they suggested that he go to the hospital to get some liquids in him and figure out why the weight loss was happening. She said it like it was an option.. so my dad said, well I can go home and force liquids. I looked at him and sternly said "No, but we will decline the ambulance ride and I can drive you there". I knew he would want a cigarette, and I took pity on him and his addiction. It was nuts that I would even care for him to have a cigarette, I have NEVER enjoyed the smell and had always advocated that he quit smoking. I just wanted him to have some comfort I guess, in this really uncomfortable situation. I had no idea that would be his last smoke.
So my dad went in for a checkup on Jan. 2nd, was diagnosed with leukemia Jan. 3rd and transported to Sioux Falls hospital. My mom was up there with him, and I know she endured some LOOOONGGG days. Around the end of January, my Dad had already undergone a couple rounds of CHEMO and had a couple of Bone Marrow checks. He was a strong man, complaining of very little.. except those bone marrow checks. Very painful he said. Things were looking up! They told us there was no cure for his leukemia, but that he could be treated and could potentially live another 5 years or so. I was heartbroken at the idea of him living with this and having a tag on when life would be up. My mom was being trained on how to administer medecine and keep my dads medecine port clean. It seemed he would be coming home soon. They even put a date on it, Feb 1st.. it was a Thursday. How exciting, I can remember that I had just got a new car and couldn't wait for my dad to check it out. He is a car guy, loved them and loved working on them. We had taken a walk and what I have come to remember as his last "good" day. We walked the wings of the cancer floor, and my car was parked in a parking garage. It was just right there... but there was a poll blocking the way, so we couldn't see it. My dad had not had much of an appetite, no wonder he had lost all that weight. But that night, he asked for a burger time burger. :) So we all ate supper together, in his hospital room. He ate the whole 2/3 lb burger too. Said it was really good. Matt and I had to get home, it was Sunday and we had to work on Monday. I said well, guess I will see you Thursday at home? He gave me one of his half smiles and said, yea, thats what they said huh? I said aren't you excited to get out of here??? And he said, we'll see, with another half smile. It was like he knew. My mom hasn't said much of the days after that, I think its hard to comprehend because everything changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. By Wed. night, my mom had called me and I was at work doing End of Month inventory. I knew I shouldn't have been on my phone, but I also knew she needed me. Matt was in the cities, at class for work. I didn't know what to say, so I just listened to my mom explain to me how things had just changed and he was so uncomfortable and hostile and delusional. I sat down in the skids of work stock and cried. I didn't know what else to do. I called Matt, and he felt just as helpless for me as I did for my mom. He was in the cities with one day of class left to go. My mom came home on Thursday, without Dad. She needed the break, she needed her own piece of mind, she needed some time for herself. She spent one night at home, and the next morning got a dreaded call. The nurses informed her that Dad wasn't doing too well, and asked if she thought it would be a good time to take him off the meds and let him go. Wow, who knew things could change that quickly... and how can you make a decision like that? We were all overwhelmed, but we traveled to Sioux Falls to be with our Dad. My brother Dustin drove me as I was a complete wreck. I can remember him comforting me by grabbing my hand and saying "Nae, were gonna all get through this".
So we drove to Sioux Falls, My mom, Matt, Sister Ashley, Brothers Dustin and Dylin, Sister in law Desiree, myself, My moms good girlfriend Jerrie, and uncle- my dads brother Ray and good friend of the family June (they both came from North Dakota). When we got to the hospital, my dad was sooo restless. He was moving his hands from side to side, kicking his blankets off, grabbing at his IV's... it was tough to see. My mom was on one side of my dad and my brother had his hand and was on the other. I can just remember the tenderness in my brothers voice as he tried to calm our restless Dad down. After a little while, it seemed to be effective. My brother then said, come here Nae, he would want you here beside him comforting him. I just didn't feel strong enough, but after a little bit of coaxing, I took a couple steps closer and grabbed my dads arm from my brother. I remember holding it with caution (he had a work injury 5 yrs prior, and had lots of pain in his joints specifically in his left hand--the one I was holding). I rubbed his whole arm, and gently held onto his arm and whispered shhh... its okay Dad, were all here now. I'm not sure if it was the medecine or if it was all of us that calmed my dad. All I know is there was a noticeably more comfortable man in front of me. He was no longer responsive, and I couldn't believe it.. what a change of events from less than a week prior. I wanted to spend that night in the hospital room with my dad, but my family urged me to let myself get some rest and stay at the hotel. I was about 5 months pregnant with our little Noah, and they were concerned for my well being. None of us slept much at the hotel, and the next morning we found ourselves in the same room, with my dad being the focus. We decided that maybe it would be best if the younger kids went home, so my sister in law brought them back to Windom. Then we waited. We laughed, and talked about some great stories involving my dad. He was a true story teller, and just like me.. he loved to make people laugh. Sometimes he would say the most ridiculous things, but they were hilarious!! I was sitting at the foot of his bed, my uncle Ray had just finished telling a story my dad had shared with him. I had one eye on my dad at all times.. and I saw him steadily breathe in and then breathe back out-- until just in that moment, there was no more inhaling. I watched for a couple of seconds, until I stood up with tears in my eyes -- I announced, he's not breathing anymore and bolted out of the room to find a nurse. There was a nurse right in front of me as soon as I opened the door, and she must have known. She just immediately hugged me, and I said But my dad.. and she said I know honey. We walked back in the room, and everyone was hugging and crying. Matt gave me the biggest hug of my life and just held me saying "I'm so sorry Nae, I'm so sorry.." And just like that, we said our goodbyes. Mom and I were the last ones in the room with him, and I just didn't feel ready to go yet. She walked towards the door and I followed. I turned around and said "You know Dad, I'm gonna make you proud. I'm going to be a really good mommy, but I need your help"... I told him I loved him and walked out the door.....
When I write it out, it just feels so surreal... the memories are so vivid. When someone passes away, thats when we decide to give them kind compliments and share fond memories. A lot of people didn't get to meet my dad so they don't really know the kind of man he was. Some people did get to meet him, and they got to see the good, bad and the ugly. The truth is, my dad was one of my best friends. We were really close. My older brother and younger sister would say that our relationship was close to a fault. He gave into my whiny ways and allowed me to have whatever I pleased :) I was a daddys girl. My dad also suffered from alcoholism, which meant we didn't always have the best relationship. He was not himself when he was heavily influenced or on drinking binges. He was more angry, not in an abusive or aggressive way, just angry with his words. My mom is the one who got the most of his drunken rages. It was really his words that could cut like a knife. She stood by him regardless, and I know she put up with a lot. I admire her for being such a strong women. My dad would go on drinking binges and be unreliable or just unavailable. Then he would go through a sobering up period where he would be sick, and then he would be normal dad again. We never knew how long it would last. When my dad was drinking, his right from wrong meter would go way out of whack. His biggest offense was taking our family vehicle and drinking and driving. He went to jail on several different occasions--- all for the same reason.. Driving While Intoxicated. I didn't grow up wearing this on my sleeve, not something I was real proud of. But while he was in jail, he would get time to think about life clearly. He would write me letters.. and I still have all of them -somewhere-... In one of his letters he wrote "Your ma tells me you don't think I like you.. I love you my girl, and I always will. This drinking is a disease, not because I don't love you". I'm just thankful I have those words in my dads handwriting... it helps a girl with insecurities get by every now and again. By God's grace, my dad was on one of his longest spurts of sobriety before he got sick. Our family was in unison and our last memories with him are some of the best ones.
So when I talk about my dad, I'm not saying he was a saint. He was a good man, and he would help anyone. He would give the shirt off his back if it meant helping someone in need. He loved my family, especially my mom. My family has never been the I love you type, but my dad would tell me how much my mom meant to him. He confided in me like I was a friend sometimes. I miss our talks and dinos diner lunch dates (and yea.. that place is closed now.. haha). But I am forever thankful for some of lifes lessons that I was able to learn from him. Specifically, the life lesson on being powerless. Sometimes there are situations in life that render us powerless (for example, the hold alcohol had on my dad, or how powerless I felt with Kendras cochlear implant last week). Just because I don't have power over certain situations, does not mean they are hopeless!! My hope is in the Lord, and he is mighty and full of power.
My past makes me who I am today. I like to think of myself as a kind, compassionate, easy to love person. I have seen a lot and been through a lot, its my experiences in life that allow me to know how to be there for people. Life isn't always easy, it sure hasn't been for me. No matter what else this life has in store for me, I know it is all for good reason.
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