Guilty, no more!

Hearts at home was a success!  I received many little "golden nuggets" of useful information!  At the top of my list of take-aways was: Stop feeling guilty over things that are not worth the effort it takes to feel guilty, speaking in a soft tone with my children may turn out to be more effective (and if nothing else, will keep my blood pressure down, or so I figure), teach my kids what abundance is -- so that they know what it is to be "treated" rather than expecting the world and that still not being "enough", and last of all on this list (because the list could continue) is to be a GOD fearing woman!!  I need to remember that while God is full of grace, He is what He says He is and He does what He says He will do!

So I had a blast this weekend.  Lots of laughs, a few tears, and I especially enjoyed building on existing friendships and even meeting a few new friends.  What an honor it is to be able to sneak away for a weekend and get the opportunity to "charge my mommy batteries"!  My amazing husband has provided sooo many opportunities for me to build meaningful relationships, outside of my home.  He is always so encouraging when it comes to letting me spend time away from home, I think because he totally gets what it means to me, to be able to have deep relationships.  I'm pretty sheepish and shy when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone, and without his encouragement I would not be as confident as I am today.  The friendships that I have been able to build have helped me to be a better mommy and wife.  Oh friends, where would I be without your listening ears?  My heart just melts to think that I have friends who care about me and will pray for me, listen to me, reach out their arms and hold me through the dark days, even knowing that anyone would read this blog -- truly makes me have to wipe my cheeks/eyes dry with my sleeve just to write these thoughts out.  This past couple of years, I have learned what it is like to KNOW you are loved.  I don't doubt that people have enjoyed my company and loved me before, I just never felt worthy, so I think I just never really accepted that.  I now feel like I belong!!!  Confidence is magical :)  There are times when I feel unworthy, still.  I'm pretty sure that my prayers chase those yucky feelings away.

I grew up in a pretty large family, I have one sister and 3 brothers.  My oldest brother is 5 years older than me, my sister who is the third born child is 5 years younger than me.  I bet it was kind of neat for my mom to have only one child at home at a time :)  It is crazy how it works out, because five years after my sister was born, I had another brother!  Then, a couple years later we were blessed with another baby boy.  The age of my siblings stretches from 30 years old to 12 years old!  My parents maybe had it more figure out than I did, having the 5 year stretches in-between!  At the same time, I think my family was meant to be the way we are.  Miles and Kendra were meant to be close buds, and I think Kendra will always find comfort knowing her little brother is not far behind her.  I'm worried for Kendra, because I see myself in her so, so very much.  Sassiness and all, I will admit she is my spitten image.  It makes me emotional when I think of the things Noah is going through at school, and the situations he has had to work through, when I know that those days are approaching for Kendra.  How can I encourage Kendra at this young age, to find a confidence in herself that I did not find until just years ago??  I know I can't sit around and worry about it, but its really hard to work through the emotions -- knowing that she is going to be faced with hardships from her peers.  That is where Miles comes in :)  He is going to be her bud, someone who will always have her back.  A girl really, really needs that kind of love.  The kind that says "I don't care what you look like, your baggage, your strengths or weaknesses.  I just love who you are, all that you are".  Praise God that I have found sisters in Christ to help me to learn that I am valued.

Connexin 26: the reason that my kids have to work so hard for language -- or the mutated genes that Matt and I have passed on during conception of each of them, causing their deafness.  Ok, that used to be the way I defined what "caused" there hearing loss.  This gene mutation made me feel guilty, almost daily.  I felt that it placed blame on me, that I was the reason they had to WORK SO HARD, and would struggle with relationships, school, hearing and confidence.  My conference I just attended urged me to LET IT GO!!  I did not make this decision, God did!  I chose to have children, God chose these children for me.  Whew.. what a beautiful relief off my heart.
Connexin 26: the blessing of my spouse and I, both carrying a mutated "hearing" gene that we passed off during conception, which allowed us to grow in our faith and parent three beautiful children - Miles Allen, Kendra Louise and Noah Dominic Matthew.  I do not feel GUILTY about bringing them into my life :)

My second "golden nugget" mentioned above, was speaking in a soft tone :)  Oh boy, I am going to have to do some trial and error on this one!  Sometimes, we just have to speak louder to our kids haha.  Yesterday, I was trying to politely ask Noah to take his feet off his sister (oh yea, they ALREADY cannot handle touching eachother).  So I say in my "soft" voice, Noah, please take your feet off your sister.  Noah looks at me and says, "what??  your gonna have to talk louder than that if your talking to me".  I couldn't help but laugh, because he was smiling when he said it and while he has a very convincing 'I can't hear you' attitude, this time I really think he couldn't hear me!  I just chuckled about it and said it a little bit louder "Sorry Noah, but I asked you to please take your feet off your sister".  He looked at me, raised his eyebrow a little and said "Ok".  Really??? That easy, ummm ok!  I think the hardest part of this is to take the time to breathe and REALLY think about what I'm going to say to get them to respond nicely to me.

Last, I want to talk about teaching my kids when enough is ENOUGH!  With Christmas time coming, I really think this will be a great learning opportunity.  Overall, I would like to think that my kids are pretty grateful.  Our workshop at the conference was extremely helpful.  There will be many tips that I will put into practice.  A few good ones were: Just because you get to go to the movie theater, doesn't mean you have to have popcorn, pop, gummy bears etc etc etc!  Be thankful that you get to go, and every once in a while "treat" the kids to the extras!  Just because there is a gum ball machine, claw (the kind you put several $$'s in for the cheap stuffed animals) or another kind of sticker machine etc.. doesn't mean that you have to put your money in.  One of my favorite tips was do NOT go shopping just because your child has earned $10 or however much money.  Wait until they KNOW what they want, so we don't teach them aimless shopping.  We should be teaching them to shop with a plan, not to find emotional satisfaction from shopping.

Once again, what a great weekend.  Mark your calendars to attend the "Hearts at Home" conference next November.  It will challenge you in an amazing way.  And thank you, for taking your time to "hug" me and make me feel loved :)  Each time I see that someone has taken an interest in my writing, its like I've been hugged.  What a blessing to have such support in my life!!!    

BZZZ....

I hear a constant buzz in my ear, and I'm blaming it on Miles' hearing aids!  That little bugger gets the biggest kick out of the reaction and attention he gets from pulling his hearing aids out.  However, he has gotten SO MUCH BETTER about handing his hearing aids over to either his sister (who I tend to refer to as Mommy #2, for obvious reasons) or myself.  What a blessing, I have been praying for less time spent in search of hearing equipment and that prayer has so VERY clearly been met.  He is talking, singing, verbally expressing his love for me -- that's right! I taught him how to say 'I LOVE YOOOOUUU!' and point right at me :)  Hey, sometimes you just need a self-esteem boost, what better way than teaching a 20 month old to randomly approach you with that 3 word sentence :)  Our family is full of word counters.  You'll often find me counting with my fingers 1-2-3-4-5, after Kendra or Miles says something.  I celebrate those small successes, and look forward to the next time I can feel so accomplished!  I often think, what in the world would our life look like if language wasn't so important?  What would we spend our time on?  If I didn't have to be so MINDFUL and INTENTIONAL and GOAL DRIVEN-- it just wouldn't be me, I don't think.  Not that those are necessarily bad qualities to have, but sometimes I feel like this way of life (parenting 3 Deaf or hard of hearing children) has really stretched me.  Sometimes it makes me a better person, and sometimes I am a ticking time bomb!!  Its really a good thing that I have found faith through this process.  I'm so thankful that I can be confident that this life is mine for HIS PURPOSE!!

Kendra is going to be starting in a pre-school program in January, after she turns 3.  We have been having extra home therapy since they have been evaluating her strengths and opportunities.  For me, its been feeling like its either Pass/Fail -- Pass, if they feel she is prepared and Fail, if the tests determine that she is socially behind or unable to keep up with kids her age.  It has been weighing heavy on my heart, and unfortunately it won't be as clear as pass/fail.  It seems that it doesn't matter how much reassuring her teachers give me, I'm still on edge that whatever we are doing is just not enough.  I absolutely MUST share though, this past Sunday at church during praise in worship she was just a-singing away!  I will never forget being told that my kids would more than likely never enjoy music.  Defying the odds, all 3 of my kids are music junkys.. and on Sunday, I learned that Kendra can carry a tune :)  She just kept singing the same 3 words "follow yoooouu, yea. Follow yooou, yea yea".  This weekend was a milestone for us!  We attended a church luncheon, with pretty great success!! There was only one spilled glass of water, and we made it out of there with 3 full kids and a Mom and Dad that had at least gotten a few bites each.  Wooohoooo, were making progress!!  Life is almost getting too easy :) We can't let that go on for too long.  And no, that is not an announcement :)

Noah had somewhat of a rough week at school.  He was having some bus bully issues, where a young boy was taking his hearing aids off him and shaking his head back and forth to see his CI magnet come loose off of his head.  Matt took care of it, talking to the teacher and making the bus driver more aware.  I'm just thankful that Noah was able to tell us about the situation.  He didn't seem overly bothered by the boy, just annoyed at the lapse in hearing, while his CI was off.  The situation made me feel so sad, way more sad than Noah.  He has a personality that is just so forgiving and easy going.  I pray he never loses his bright smile and   sweet sense of humor.  He got that from his Daddy, they are both so full of joy.

Update on living at my moms house.  Its been going pretty great!!  I have kitchen duty on Tuesday (I know, how am I ever going to want to leave if I only have to clean the kitchen one day) and I cook a few suppers a week.  We meal plan (and might I just say we have ALL saved mega $$$$$) and shop very intentionally.  I have really appreciated being around my little brothers.  My youngest brother Dylin has been coming to our youth group and has REALLY enjoyed it!  I've been thankful to my husband, since he has done SUCH an awesome job helping my little brothers with homework, being an example, leader and friend to them.  He recently helped Dylin through a gun safety curriculum online.  I just know that my brothers are missing out on that father figure, since my dad passed.  I know I miss it terribly.  I'm thankful for a big brother that will always be there for me, even if his sense of humor is one that I may never get ;)  I know my sister Ashley has grown so much, into an impressive and successful young lady.  She often talks about my dad, and her more fond memories of him.  He would be very proud of her, and would have enjoyed seeing her blossom.  Sometimes it is tough having my brother live further away from us.  My sisters headlight is out on her car, which is something that my Dad would have LOVED to tinker with and fix.  She is so blessed to have the relationship with my brother that she does.  He steps right in and always tries to help with whatever he can.  One day he will walk our beautiful sister down the aisle -- just like my dad did for me when I married Matt.  He will get to the steps at the church and when the pastor says "Who gives this women to marry this man" my brother will say her "ma" and I, just like my dad did :) -- My mom is my "ma".  Anyways, just been doing a lot of reminiscing since moving back into my childhood home.  My dads birthday is in November, the holidays just aren't the same without him here, and I have not lived in this home since my dad was here with me.  It's been a little emotional at times, thinking of all the memories I have here.  However, I'm so appreciative that I can still picture some really great times, with him here with us.

I am super-duper pumped for this weekend!!! I am going to the Hearts at Home conference in Rochester with an AMAZING group of ladies!!!!  I read the e-mail that said there will be a package complete with tissue and chocolate -- sounds like my kind of weekend!! :)  Can't wait to be challenged and grow!