There is this big awkward situation in my life and I think it is safe for me to address it, finally.
On November 18, 2014, Matt and I were on our way back from an appointment in Mankato with our sweet little Aubree. After a long(ish) day at the audiologist, we decided to treat ourselves to our favorite comfort food stop. The CHINESE BUFFET!!! mmmm-mmmm-good! It makes my mouth water just to think about it ;). On our way home we talked and talked, which is the way we spend most of our drives together. We talked about Aubree and her progress (or lack thereof at that time), we talked about work, and we talked about our past. Often times, we will laugh and laugh at situations from 10-15 years ago. We've had some pretty great and also some very challenging experiences as a couple. Our conversation rarely dulls, sometimes we forget to even turn on the radio! On this day, we were both pretty zonked. It can get tiring, spending so much time in a clinic or hospital setting. I stared out the passenger window and my wheels just started turning.
If you know me well, you probably know that my brain just never stops. I have a hard time resting, and I can't even remember the last time I was able to fall asleep in a vehicle. This day was no different. The tiredness just made my thought process escalate. I was thinking about how the twins were over a year old already. It never seemed like we would get to this place, a place where the twins were sleeping through the night, walking independently, and eating solid foods.
Along with grown up babies came some different changes in me. I had lost a little bit of my identity. I was confused as to what was expected of me. It was hard enough to adjust when I became pregnant with twins and that was nothing compared to the arrival of my two, sweet, precious baby girls. The first year is a little bit of a blur, probably with good reason. Matt and I were lucky to operate on 4-5 hours of sleep each night. There were nights when Matt would go to work in the morning and I would hear the door shut and wonder how in the world he was going to do it?? I've thanked God for the blessing of such a kind hearted and HELPFUL man in my life. He was not a stranger to middle of the night baby rocking sessions. I pumped and nursed the babies for the first 9 months -- I was sooo proud that I didn't need to supplement formula. I also had an incredible appetite, and somehow the scale never budged. Nursing for two had its perks, in the form of pizza, tacos and lasagna.... yummm.... my favorites!!
After 9 months, I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I needed more time. I felt like I needed to give my other kids more of me, rather than nursing and pumping and then nursing and pumping as often as I was. That is when it all changed.
I had grown accustomed to enjoying my favorite foods. I'm not a cake, cookie or ice cream girl. Nope. I'ma -- ooohh, I guess I'll have another piece of broasted chicken, girl :). I've struggled with my weight for most of my life. I've never felt like the "pretty" girl. I've been good friends with some of the most beautiful women (outside and inside) my whole life. You know who you are, you skinny minnie, beautiful hair and makeup, cute clothes all the time girls!! I always just felt like that was the way they were going to get to look and I needed to be content with how I looked. Lacking confidence?? Oh yea, that is an understatement.
So when I stopped nursing, I gained about 15 pounds in three months. That brought me to November 18th, the day we were driving back from Mankato. I said to Matt, we should get a gym membership (again). This was not our first rendezvous at the gym. We had successfully used the gym for a while and then also had a gym membership that had gone unused for a while. Without hesitation, Matt said "yep, were doing it." He pulled into River Valley Fitness right as we got into town and signed us back up. We both went to the gym the evening. We haven't stopped making it a priority since!
Okay, so true story here. On November 18th, I was unhappy with my weight. I had once been 20 pounds heavier than I was on that day, and I knew if I didn't do something different, I was headed back to that place. I just was not willing to let that happen, again.
Some of you have seen me and said "GIRL, you look sooooo good!!"
Others have said "What are you doing, I mean, seriously. WHAT are you doing to lose all this weight??"
I've had a few people just not know what to say. It's awkard, you know? To point out to someone that you notice changes in their physical stature, can sometimes be out of our comfort zone. Besides, you wouldn't want to be offensive, right? You don't want to imply that someone used to be --- eh hem, chunky?
Well, here is my take on it. Thank you so-so-so-SOOOO much to the people who have offered me some encouragement. Truthfully, I see myself everyday and.. point blank, I just don't quite see what you see. I'm extremely proud and thankful to be able to say that I have lost 41 pounds. Not 40, but 41. I won't just say 40, because I have worked VERY hard to lose every single stinkin' pound. However, when I look in the mirror. I still see the same Renae that I saw in November, before I started working out. I know there is just something screwy louie with my eyes, because I've dropped about 5-6 pants sizes. But when someone reminds me that they see progress, I give myself the opportunity to recognize the progress as well.
So what have I done? Hahaha, my boss asked me a few weeks ago what "program" I was on. Good question. I did laugh out loud. It made me think he was asking me if I was on Jennie Craig, weight watchers, P90X, 30 day fix, trim healthy mama or some other well known program. I'm not. I'm doing my own thing. I haven't eliminated anything from my diet. I don't count calories. Rather, I've tried to practice a control of portions (nope, don't measure things out.. just try to be smart) and make mostly good decisions. I read health blogs and magazines. I've read articles and books on nutrition. I've just tried to have a better understanding of food, in general. One of the best pieces of information that I've taken to heart is to treat food like fuel. Food is the fuel that keeps our body going. There is good fuel and there is bad fuel. Our bodies perform better for us when we pour the good stuff in. I ditched drinking my calories, water is my drink of choice and I try to eat more fruits and vegetables and lean meats. Variety is key to me. Some of my favorite foods, like pastas and pizza are not always the healthiest or best options.. but I still eat them. I made homemade pizza for lunch today. Instead of indulging in homemade pizza, I had a couple small slices and paired it with a salad. I choose vinaigrette dressing and top it with cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and red peppers. Rather than choosing ranch dressing, sunflower seeds and croutons. I've just learned to appreciate the taste of fresher foods!
I exercise 4,5 or 6 days a week. It completely depends on life. Matt and I rotate out a workout schedule. During the school year, I was roughing it at the gym at 5:45 a.m. with a good girl friend. Trust me, if she was not expecting me at that hour, I would have NEVER made it to the gym. I appreciated that accountability and often times I wish I was still doing the early morning thing, but I just cannot bring myself to feel motivated on my own at that hour.
Matt and I have ran a 4 mile race and 5K (3.1 miles) this year. We hope to do more races, it gives us something to look forward to and something to keep motivated to work on our fitness.
When the lady at the grocery store is scanning my items and she says to me "so seriously, what ARE you doing that is making you lose all this weight??" -- I wish I had something to say other than, I WORK REALLY, REALLY HARD! But it's the truth. It hasn't been quick or easy. It's been really slow progress, one day at a time, one decision at a time. I have bad days, but then I try to not discipline myself too hard. Instead, I let myself know that it is okay to live. I'ts okay to eat a slice of cake every now and then. It's not okay to eat a piece of cake EVERY day. It's okay to have lasagna, but I don't need to keep eating it just because it tastes so, so SO sinfully good :). I'm working on it. Everyday, I. Am. Working. On. It.
It took me a long time to want to share about this journey that I've stepped out on. I didn't really want to say anything about it, only to step back and think no way, Jose. That is not for me. How embarrassing it would be to publish a blog and then fall off the bandwagon, or not follow through. But... ehh. Whatever. I'm doing it, and I hope I keep on doing it :)
Thanks for all the encouragement and praise, It has helped me more than I could ever explain!
