I cannot believe the leaves are turning, Halloween is almost here, which means Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a brand new year are upon us. I literally just got used to dating checks with 2015. I mean, seriously, I'm not always the brightest bulb but wow- this year really has been flying. There is something about being a kid that makes time crawl. Then, there is something about having kids that has made life turn into a whirlwind-- well for me anyways.
I can't believe my twins are going to be 2 in just three days. Oh. My. Word. If you want an update to how much easier life gets as they grow a hahaha a hahaha aha (as I snort and choke on my laughter). No. The sleep is better, but wowsa-wooosa. It is a lot of work to chase two year old(sssss). I mean, honestly, one two year old can be a lot. Two is intense! We're in the stage of "why" and protesting with wild screams of "nooo" accompanied by limp body tantrums and fake tears that buddy up with the fake whining. I am exhausted. I feel guilty because I often think about how much easier activities, events, mealtime, car trips, bedtime--- EVERY THING would be if I had one 1 (almost 2) year old instead of two. Ish. I feel like a turd just typing that out for whoever will read it. But here's the thing, I'm a real-life lady/momma/wife/friend. I experience highs and lows and I could sugar coat until we're all over weight with all the icing and cutsie putsie little amazing fun things that come with having twin GIRLS!! (whoop whoop, purple, pink, stars, hearts, matching headbands--- ooh-la-la). BUT, like I said, I keep it real. So even with the challenges that come along with being a mom to an 8, 5, 4, and two 2 year olds.... I know this life was meant for me and it's my job to do it justice. It's my God given right to think that having two 2 year olds is serious business and quite frankly, I- I will survive!! Sing it with me now!!
Aubree is doing amazing. Her hearing age is 9 months and she is a little superstar. Her hearing loss not being anything like her hard of hearing brothers and sisters scared the ba-jeebers out of me. I still will sit and cry thinking about the fear I had when I didn't know if CI'S were going to be able to help her auditory neuropathy. The hardest part of being a parent has got to be when you watch your kids go through something and your not sure if there is anything you can do to help them. When you don't know what the quality of their life is going to be, you really get backed into a helpless corner. Recently, Aubree has shown such drastic improvements in language and a deeper desire to wear and appreciate her CI. It's really done wonders for my heart. I have zeros ability to express my deep gratitude for the way God has let this situation unfold. I am humbled.
The bond that my children have with each other is both enough to make me want to poke out my eyes and sometimes I melt with joy right after that. :). Seriously, it's a ride- a roller coaster. Sometimes I'm all like, awww... look at them. Miles gives Aubree and Baylee a hug and a kiss every day before the bus picks him up for school. *yes, so touching and sweet*. The next moment, Baylee is trying to change Aubrees dirty diaper. *not so touching, not so sweet*. Bleh. So really, they are like most other kids. The oldest, Noah, drives his sister CrAzY literally every day. He knows every button to push. But then I hear from a teacher how he runs up to her in school to give her BIG pick-her-up hugs and even says "love you KK". Ummm... yeah, roller coaster.
I've learned through the years that every child will be different. Even when you think you have spotted a pattern, that is about to blow up in your face and you can just restart that book. Kendra is really the sweetest little girl. Oh yes, but she is also the spiciest! I was thinking Bay was headed in that direction, when boom! She went way mild on us. She chilled out on the whining. Out of left field, quiet little huggable Aubree brought the sass. If you were to ask me a year ago, I would not have anticipated the personalities. My only point with this, really, it's all about seasons. Hug 'em, love 'em and get over it. It's not going to go the way we think, so I'm done trying to predict what is yet to come.
Literally, the weirdest things happen to me. We were at a hotel 2 weeks ago, a cousin of matts was getting married. Of course, we brought all five kids to night one (Yeah, I am smarter than that... but ummm.. yeah). The twins had not napped that day as we had driven to the cities to go to a corn maze. My brother in law and his amazing wife along with my nephew drove in the same vehicle as matt, myself, the twins and Noah. Bless their hearts, they will not make that mistake again ;). The twins are terrible travelers. If one is not crying, the other is. It was a Loooongg 3+ hours in the car. Painfully long. They fell asleep 20 minutes before our destination and that was their nap. Strike one.
We made our way through the maze, managed to escape with all 5 kids unharmed and well (our first big outing). We went to our hotel and checked in. While heading in the building with all of necessary equipment, Baylee face planted on the cement and Aubree started running for the highway. Strike two. Yikes. Again, we made it in to our hotel, mostly intact. Exhausting. This is why I stay home, I was reminded.
We thought the girls would sleep well since they were without nap. No. Such. Luck. It was 8:30 and both girls were still screaming and protesting laying down. They were sooo exhausted. Our phone in the hotel rang. Great, I thought. The hotel front desk had probably had a complaint and wanted us to get our kids to pipe it down. Ummm... nope. Wrong. It was matts aunt advising us to evacuate our room because there was a FIRE!! Have I ever mentioned how WEIRD THING HAPPEN TO ME?!? So.. 2 sleeping kids, 2 crying kids and one almost about to fall asleep child in tow- we had to evacuate to our vehicle. Strike three, we were out!
Clearly, we survived. There was a wiring issue and blah blah. Anyways, we got back into our room a couple hours later. And now... now I have another "neat" story to tell. :)
Im an emotional gal, which is probably why I gather ideas and share my life experiences with all you blog readers. So many things have happened and continue to happen in my life. My heart strings get challenged almost daily. I've had so many interactions with others and life experiences and that is why I believe I have an old soul. I've lived and I've learned enough to know that as I'm allowed to keep on living, I will keep on learning!
A few years ago, a few good girlfriends of mine helped me to realize that my love language was words of affirmation. I learned that I NEED to know and hear that I am of value. It was a piece of my identity that I'm glad I discovered. I truly am very shy, to myself and self conscious. Being aware of my character traits in combination of my love language has helped me to work through some of my emotional distress. It's not easy to get compliments if your anti-social ;). Friendships are necessary for my survival!!! I need people to appreciate the way I think, to enjoy my company and to build me up. Thankfully, I've got some really really REALLY great friends. People that appreciate and love me!
WHOOP, THERE IT IS!!! Love and appreciate your people, your family, your circumstances! The crazy weird things your kids say (right?? It's not just my kids that do and say hilarious and strange things!!). Take some time, slow down long enough to notice and to love and appreciate!
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I had a rough day yesterday. I was just feeling all sorts of low and it felt like one blow came followed by another. Today it looks more like spilled milk, but yesterday, it was hard. I have these days where I just feel.. helpless. There is so much in this world that I can't control, so I need to figure out how to scoot on. I know that everyone has rough days, and I'm aware that there is this whole "chin up, buttercup" mentality that I should try to embrace. But you see, that just doesn't work for me. I'm a thinker. So yesterday, I decided I needed to figure out how to put my thoughts into action.
Before bed last night, Kendra grabbed my cheeks and said "Mom, when I get older, look like you, can I not have to wear my cochlears?"
------ugh... please, no. Not this talk tonight, I thought. Matt and I have talked to her about this, more than once before. Noah groaned from his top bunk "ughhhhh KK, the answer is no. N-O. NO!! Your going to need to wear your cochlears if you want to hear and that is just the way it is going to be!"
------ugh... why such hostility? My heart sunk, my daughter was pouting (to be fair, she was probably extra tired since it was bedtime, her brother had just challenged her question and by nature, she really just is a pouter-- so the tears may not have even been about her abilities to hear or not hear)
"Mom, there is this boy at school who calls me stupid face. Does he say that because of my ears?" she cried. I laid next to her in her bed and hugged her tight. I tried to muffle my tears and said "No, KK, sometimes boys just call people weird names." So the conversation was sparked.
All day, I had felt inadequate. With upcoming IEP meetings for Aubree and Miles, the first day of school mom jitters that I have yet to overcome and just life in general-- I've just been a bit wrecked. I wonder, think, ponder and just plain out WORRY way more than I should. I know this! Kendra and Noah have had some issues with their processors and I'm sick with fear that they are going to be at school sitting in a corner, not hearing the world around them. I'm not sure that Aubree is catching up, her progress has felt halted lately. Will Miles be ready for kindergarten next year?? Am I doing enough???? There has been one home project after another, my husband has been in constant "work mode" whether at home or at work or travelling from one place to the next. I haven't contributed much to the money pot at home, I haven't reached out to the teachers to see how the kids are doing at school, and I'm just not sure that I-I-I, am enough.
So I'm upstairs, laying in a bed with my five year old. My 8 year old (Noah) leans over from his top bunk and says "Mom, how come some kids are so mean to the other kids?" I paused, felt my heart tugging so much so that my throat felt tight. I was fighting back more tears. He says again "Mom, why can't people just be nice to everyone?"
That is a really good question! I didn't know what to tell him, so I just explained to him how important it is to be an example of love to everyone. I asked him if he knew what it meant to respect people. He sighed and said "yes.. respect others, respect yourself, respect property" I said, "alright, yes. You need to do that, but what does that actually mean?" He was silent for a little bit so I chimed in and said "No matter how people treat us, we need to make sure that we always treat people great. What matters the most is that we can feel good and know that we are always trying to make people feel like they are good enough, no matter what they look like, sound like or act like". Kendra looks at me and says "Ok Mommy. I think you look like you are smart and I will be nice to everybody all the days".
Respect. So I think it's fair to say that I spend most of my days trying to facilitate a home environment that promotes respect, kindness, love for another, appreciation and then forgiveness because we tend to fall short more often than I'd care to admit. Soo.... here is where I get all out of touch. It seems our American culture has drifted a different direction. Here I am, over here trying to equip my offspring to be successful, happy, gently, fair, loving and respectful human beings. I want them to be a positive contribution to this world. But then, I keep hearing about all these incidents and situations that trouble me to my deepest core. Since when is it OK to be disrespectful to an officer? To be disrespectful to a school teacher? To be disrespectful to your mother or your father, your sister or your brother?
We hear about it in the news, stories flash up on my Facebook newsfeed and there are stories told on the radio. White cops and black kids, hunters shooting the wrong animals, president Obama went to this guys funeral but not that guys. Lady refuses to cooperate and resists arrest, ends up forcefully jailed. The list goes on, I can hardly stand to keep up. Someone, somewhere ends up saying something offensive. What is our instinctive response? Retaliate. Hurt them more than they hurt me?
So what I'm thinking is, well maybe I'm a genius. I think this past 8 years of parenting, I've been doing it all wrong. Maybe it's not enough to encourage my kids to be kind, caring or considerate. It's not enough for them to be responsible, respectful, loving, appreciative and forgiving individuals. While all of those things are great characteristics to posess-- It's probably really far fetched to expect perfection from my tiny humans.
However, it's not far fetched, in my opinion, to encourage my kids to know that people will not always see life their way. One mans blue might be another mans purple. Respect to me, is an easy one. We should always respect one another, regardless to opinions, gender, race, color, sexual orientation. Sure, they say in a work place, respect needs to be maintained by a certain level of performance. But it is apparent to me, that this world is full of discrimination and hate lurking in every corner. Bleh, it's nasty. People are out there hating on cops. Maybe there are a few bad ones out there. Guess what??? There are a few bad moms out there too, but I hope that doesn't mean that people think I'm bad at what I do.
I've discovered, I need to train my children not to be followers, but open minded and forgiving individuals. I need to spend more time explaining just how very important it is to respect the opinions of others, but be strong enough to choose RESPECT. Respect, it's an action, a verb. It's a way of life. Hey, you don't have to AGREE with everything I say, but please, PLEASE. Please, choose to respect me. Agree to disagree when you must, and if your willing to put yourself out there, expressing your opinion-- be ready for someone out there to not agree.
At my home, it starts with how I behave. Training my kids to respect others and reminding them that not everyone is going to behave in that kind of a way, but we have to choose respect-- because that is who WE are.
So... yes! I will probably have the "why do I have different ears??" conversation, again and again with my kid. Each time, it will probably break my heart. But moving forward, I'm going to spend a little extra time modeling how important it is to know your own self worth. I really need to work on this, personally. I'm going to try super duper extra hard to encourage my kids to be kind and respect others and to make good choices when it comes to how they treat others, even when we know that the same generosity will not be extended back to us.
Titus 3:4-7 (NIV)
4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 Whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
Before bed last night, Kendra grabbed my cheeks and said "Mom, when I get older, look like you, can I not have to wear my cochlears?"
------ugh... please, no. Not this talk tonight, I thought. Matt and I have talked to her about this, more than once before. Noah groaned from his top bunk "ughhhhh KK, the answer is no. N-O. NO!! Your going to need to wear your cochlears if you want to hear and that is just the way it is going to be!"
------ugh... why such hostility? My heart sunk, my daughter was pouting (to be fair, she was probably extra tired since it was bedtime, her brother had just challenged her question and by nature, she really just is a pouter-- so the tears may not have even been about her abilities to hear or not hear)
"Mom, there is this boy at school who calls me stupid face. Does he say that because of my ears?" she cried. I laid next to her in her bed and hugged her tight. I tried to muffle my tears and said "No, KK, sometimes boys just call people weird names." So the conversation was sparked.
All day, I had felt inadequate. With upcoming IEP meetings for Aubree and Miles, the first day of school mom jitters that I have yet to overcome and just life in general-- I've just been a bit wrecked. I wonder, think, ponder and just plain out WORRY way more than I should. I know this! Kendra and Noah have had some issues with their processors and I'm sick with fear that they are going to be at school sitting in a corner, not hearing the world around them. I'm not sure that Aubree is catching up, her progress has felt halted lately. Will Miles be ready for kindergarten next year?? Am I doing enough???? There has been one home project after another, my husband has been in constant "work mode" whether at home or at work or travelling from one place to the next. I haven't contributed much to the money pot at home, I haven't reached out to the teachers to see how the kids are doing at school, and I'm just not sure that I-I-I, am enough.
So I'm upstairs, laying in a bed with my five year old. My 8 year old (Noah) leans over from his top bunk and says "Mom, how come some kids are so mean to the other kids?" I paused, felt my heart tugging so much so that my throat felt tight. I was fighting back more tears. He says again "Mom, why can't people just be nice to everyone?"
That is a really good question! I didn't know what to tell him, so I just explained to him how important it is to be an example of love to everyone. I asked him if he knew what it meant to respect people. He sighed and said "yes.. respect others, respect yourself, respect property" I said, "alright, yes. You need to do that, but what does that actually mean?" He was silent for a little bit so I chimed in and said "No matter how people treat us, we need to make sure that we always treat people great. What matters the most is that we can feel good and know that we are always trying to make people feel like they are good enough, no matter what they look like, sound like or act like". Kendra looks at me and says "Ok Mommy. I think you look like you are smart and I will be nice to everybody all the days".
Respect. So I think it's fair to say that I spend most of my days trying to facilitate a home environment that promotes respect, kindness, love for another, appreciation and then forgiveness because we tend to fall short more often than I'd care to admit. Soo.... here is where I get all out of touch. It seems our American culture has drifted a different direction. Here I am, over here trying to equip my offspring to be successful, happy, gently, fair, loving and respectful human beings. I want them to be a positive contribution to this world. But then, I keep hearing about all these incidents and situations that trouble me to my deepest core. Since when is it OK to be disrespectful to an officer? To be disrespectful to a school teacher? To be disrespectful to your mother or your father, your sister or your brother?
We hear about it in the news, stories flash up on my Facebook newsfeed and there are stories told on the radio. White cops and black kids, hunters shooting the wrong animals, president Obama went to this guys funeral but not that guys. Lady refuses to cooperate and resists arrest, ends up forcefully jailed. The list goes on, I can hardly stand to keep up. Someone, somewhere ends up saying something offensive. What is our instinctive response? Retaliate. Hurt them more than they hurt me?
So what I'm thinking is, well maybe I'm a genius. I think this past 8 years of parenting, I've been doing it all wrong. Maybe it's not enough to encourage my kids to be kind, caring or considerate. It's not enough for them to be responsible, respectful, loving, appreciative and forgiving individuals. While all of those things are great characteristics to posess-- It's probably really far fetched to expect perfection from my tiny humans.
However, it's not far fetched, in my opinion, to encourage my kids to know that people will not always see life their way. One mans blue might be another mans purple. Respect to me, is an easy one. We should always respect one another, regardless to opinions, gender, race, color, sexual orientation. Sure, they say in a work place, respect needs to be maintained by a certain level of performance. But it is apparent to me, that this world is full of discrimination and hate lurking in every corner. Bleh, it's nasty. People are out there hating on cops. Maybe there are a few bad ones out there. Guess what??? There are a few bad moms out there too, but I hope that doesn't mean that people think I'm bad at what I do.
I've discovered, I need to train my children not to be followers, but open minded and forgiving individuals. I need to spend more time explaining just how very important it is to respect the opinions of others, but be strong enough to choose RESPECT. Respect, it's an action, a verb. It's a way of life. Hey, you don't have to AGREE with everything I say, but please, PLEASE. Please, choose to respect me. Agree to disagree when you must, and if your willing to put yourself out there, expressing your opinion-- be ready for someone out there to not agree.
At my home, it starts with how I behave. Training my kids to respect others and reminding them that not everyone is going to behave in that kind of a way, but we have to choose respect-- because that is who WE are.
So... yes! I will probably have the "why do I have different ears??" conversation, again and again with my kid. Each time, it will probably break my heart. But moving forward, I'm going to spend a little extra time modeling how important it is to know your own self worth. I really need to work on this, personally. I'm going to try super duper extra hard to encourage my kids to be kind and respect others and to make good choices when it comes to how they treat others, even when we know that the same generosity will not be extended back to us.
Titus 3:4-7 (NIV)
4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 Whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
Friday, August 14, 2015
His plan
So much going on in my little head, where to begin??!?
For starters, I had another birthday. Shocking, I swear I just had one of those like 362 days ago or something like that! :) It was a great day, I was showered with many messages on social media, a few text messages and a phone call! I was able to spend the day with my husband and we crossed off every need on our kids school lists as well as purchased a few things for ourselves. The plan was for Matt to take the end of the week off so we could handle the school thing, and try to tackle a good portion of our "to-do" list at home. Well, that was the plan. My-oh My, plans change sometimes.
On my birthday, my husband ended up getting a terrible migraine. I tuned in and noticed something just wasn't right towards the end of the afternoon. He started to feel considerably worse, and we ended up calling it a day early. We had a hotel night away planned, for my birthday. So, I camped out on the bed and read my birthday wishes and surfed the web and Matt was able to have a place to rest. It beat driving a few hours home, it's definitely no fun to travel by vehicle when your head feels like its going to explode.
The next morning (yesterday), we slept as late as our bodies would let us. All the way til 8 o'clock! ;) Our hotel had a continental breakfast, so we enjoyed that before checking out. The "plan" was to go to the vikings training camp in the afternoon, however the afternoon practice got changed and we didn't want to have to commit to being back in Mankato that early to catch the morning practice. Especially with Matt not feeling well, we wanted to get some rest. By around noon, we made contact with Matt's mom, who had the three oldest kids and had taken them to the training camp. We found out that she was able to shake hands and MEET Adrian Peterson!!! She also got a ticket that allowed her to get an autograph from Teddy Bridgewater! If you know my husband, you might be aware that he bleeds purple and yellow. He is a Vikings fan through thin and thinner (sorry Vikes, I've struggled to stay on the bandwagon, but not my man!) To say he was bummed to have missed out on that opportunity is, well, and understatement. However, we were thankful that our kids (though they had no idea the magnitude or significance of this opportunity) were able to experience this day.
Today, my husband decided to go to work! It was sort of kind of pre-meditated. He has a list a quarter mile long of things he has half started or wants to start and another list of things that he has half started :). He also enjoys being a part of something BIGGER. He likes to have an impact in his workplace, he enjoys making it "better" and he knows the weekends are the days where there is the most traffic through his store. Oh yes, the work ethic of my husband, oh how it is one of those things I SURE DO LOVE ABOUT HIM!!! :) It can also be one of those things that I sure do want to yank him by his ear and say "ohhh honey dear, sugar pie.. maybe just this once you could follow 'the plan' and finish up a couple of those projects we've been working on since 1999" :) :)
Okay, so that is a little over the top. But it just really got me to thinking about "our plans". The plans we make and how we expect things to look. The way we paint the picture in our head and the despair we tend to have when things just don't turn out the way we anticipated. I was at The Global Leadership Summit a week ago, and one of the speakers talked about the way we respond when things don't happen according to our plan. It could be something as simple as sending a text message to someone and not getting a response right away. At first you may think, huh.. she must be busy. Then you start to wonder.. why is she not texting me back?? Am I not important enough to deserve- a response? You might even wonder... Did I do something wrong?? I bet if I was 'so-and-so' she would have text me back by now. Ohhh.... the ugliness. Am I the only one that has played that game?? We paint this "story" and start to speculate and wonder, not always giving the benefit of the doubt. The speaker from the summit talked about how she had this argument with her husband. They had gone to a cabin with the family for a week. She and her husband had committed to swimming with each other each morning before the kids woke up. Just spending that time together, doing something they once really enjoyed prior to having families and booming careers; swimming. The morning came, they went out swimming and the wife said to the husband "I'm so thankful that we decided to take this time to do this with each other. I feel so close to you". She was looking for some sentiment back, when the husband said "Yeah, water is good", and carried on. She felt slighted and not noticed. She wondered hmm.. maybe he didn't hear me right?? So she took one more stab at it. She said the same sentence to him, pouring her heart out and being vulnerable one more time. Again, he responded in the same way. She was ticked. Her blood was boiling and that is when she started painting the picture. She thought to herself, that is not how I expected that to go. I thought maybe we would share an embrace, have a 'moment' where our eyes locked and our love for one another would shine through brighter than a shooting star. Instead, she started to think. She wondered, "well maybe I just don't look as nice in a speed-o as I used to". She painted an ugly picture in her head of things her husband might have been thinking like, maybe he just didn't love her anymore? She thought, well this can go one of two ways. She could go in the house and not address the situation. When the husband would say "Hey babe, whats for breakfast?" she could just say "ohhh breakfast fairy?? Where are you breakfast fairy?? It's time for breakfast, dear sweet little breakfast fairy?" and the husband might scratch his head and think.... uh-oh, did I miss something here?
Has that ever happened in your house? Your hubby ends up in the dog house, and you've already shut the door on him before he even comprehended there was an issue??? I've been there. I've done that!
Instead of being passive aggressive, the speaker talked about how she chose to be really, REALLY vulnerable one more time. When they had made it back from their swim, she asked him what was up and wondered if he could hear her out there on the water when she was trying to have a 'moment' with him. The story goes on that he did hear her, however he was plagued with fear over a dream he'd had the night before. In his dream, his kids were swimming in the lake and there were several boaters going very fast and one of the boats was headed right towards them and he'd felt inadequate. He knew there would not be enough time for him to sweep all of his kids up and save them from this boat. He woke up with fear in his heart, that he would not be able to protect his family. He was battling those feelings and holding them in, and instead of sharing his feelings of inadequacy, he brushed his wife off.
Oh my, the power of this story for me. I've done this. All of it. I've painted the picture of how things are supposed to go. I've responded in some REALLY ugly ways when things don't turn out the way I hoped.
I really have just been feeling convicted. Mostly by looking back on this past 10 years and thinking of all the times I've cried and been just broken. I've sat in my own tears and pleaded, even when I wasn't really sure there was a God to be pleading to. I would wonder WHY?? I would beg for answers. When my dad passed away a little over 8 years ago, I was a broken little girl. I didn't think there was going to be anything good that would ever happen to me, and if there was a God, he sure didn't love me. I just kept thinking about my six year old brother, and how it just isn't right to take away his dad. It just wasn't fair, for my sister to not have her dad alive to walk her down the aisle some day. Life just was NOT fair. My dad was never going to meet any of my children, and this was NOT how life was supposed to go. This was not my plan.
Recently, just in reflecting on most of the ten years and smiling and laughing with my husband, who is honestly the best person God could have ever planted in my life. I've been able to look back and reflect and think, oh wow, look how far we have come. Look at all of the things that plagued me, made me sick and bitter, and now look at how that was part of the thread that God used to create and bring us to this uber duber, super place. It was no coincidence that when I found God, I found Love. God has strengthened my heart and instead of being bitter, my ability and desire to have LOVE and share LOVE with others has been multiplied.
Some things just really hurt while your in it. Ohhhh man, I wish I could say I didn't carry some hurt along with me still today from some of those things that happened long ago. I'll never understand why I had to watch my dad slip away, but I'm thankful that God held onto him until my whole family could get to the hospital, to be there, sharing stories about him and laughing. I will never understand why God chose Matt and I to both be gene carriers of hearing loss, but I know that He picked Matt for me, and I know that none of my five kids are a mistake. I don't think I will ever understand why some days life just feels hard. When my chest just feels like elephants have stampeded on me, I've been overlooked by friends, nobody has reached out to me in a while, my husband works too far away, the twins won't take a nap, and my five year old doesn't feel like anyone will like her at her new school because she is different. Oh man, it gets heavy. I don't like to be the carrier of the heavy stuff, sometimes I would rather keep it light, but oh boy, it gets heavy. I just have to remember that in that very moment, I cannot paint the picture.
I get it now, I think I really 'get' it. Well, honestly, for today I get it (because I am human and sometimes life just hurts. Like today, when I got the bill for when the gas company had to come out and fix our gas meter because my husband ran it over with a scissors lift...). God has used some of the hard times and circumstances that I've been in to shape my heart. He has planted qualities in me that I would not have without my life experience like, gentleness, clarity, compassion and wisdom beyond my years. At least those are some qualities I have been told I've been blessed with from some good friends :)
The BIG picture is going to be beautiful, but it's not mine to paint.
For starters, I had another birthday. Shocking, I swear I just had one of those like 362 days ago or something like that! :) It was a great day, I was showered with many messages on social media, a few text messages and a phone call! I was able to spend the day with my husband and we crossed off every need on our kids school lists as well as purchased a few things for ourselves. The plan was for Matt to take the end of the week off so we could handle the school thing, and try to tackle a good portion of our "to-do" list at home. Well, that was the plan. My-oh My, plans change sometimes.
On my birthday, my husband ended up getting a terrible migraine. I tuned in and noticed something just wasn't right towards the end of the afternoon. He started to feel considerably worse, and we ended up calling it a day early. We had a hotel night away planned, for my birthday. So, I camped out on the bed and read my birthday wishes and surfed the web and Matt was able to have a place to rest. It beat driving a few hours home, it's definitely no fun to travel by vehicle when your head feels like its going to explode.
The next morning (yesterday), we slept as late as our bodies would let us. All the way til 8 o'clock! ;) Our hotel had a continental breakfast, so we enjoyed that before checking out. The "plan" was to go to the vikings training camp in the afternoon, however the afternoon practice got changed and we didn't want to have to commit to being back in Mankato that early to catch the morning practice. Especially with Matt not feeling well, we wanted to get some rest. By around noon, we made contact with Matt's mom, who had the three oldest kids and had taken them to the training camp. We found out that she was able to shake hands and MEET Adrian Peterson!!! She also got a ticket that allowed her to get an autograph from Teddy Bridgewater! If you know my husband, you might be aware that he bleeds purple and yellow. He is a Vikings fan through thin and thinner (sorry Vikes, I've struggled to stay on the bandwagon, but not my man!) To say he was bummed to have missed out on that opportunity is, well, and understatement. However, we were thankful that our kids (though they had no idea the magnitude or significance of this opportunity) were able to experience this day.
Today, my husband decided to go to work! It was sort of kind of pre-meditated. He has a list a quarter mile long of things he has half started or wants to start and another list of things that he has half started :). He also enjoys being a part of something BIGGER. He likes to have an impact in his workplace, he enjoys making it "better" and he knows the weekends are the days where there is the most traffic through his store. Oh yes, the work ethic of my husband, oh how it is one of those things I SURE DO LOVE ABOUT HIM!!! :) It can also be one of those things that I sure do want to yank him by his ear and say "ohhh honey dear, sugar pie.. maybe just this once you could follow 'the plan' and finish up a couple of those projects we've been working on since 1999" :) :)
Okay, so that is a little over the top. But it just really got me to thinking about "our plans". The plans we make and how we expect things to look. The way we paint the picture in our head and the despair we tend to have when things just don't turn out the way we anticipated. I was at The Global Leadership Summit a week ago, and one of the speakers talked about the way we respond when things don't happen according to our plan. It could be something as simple as sending a text message to someone and not getting a response right away. At first you may think, huh.. she must be busy. Then you start to wonder.. why is she not texting me back?? Am I not important enough to deserve- a response? You might even wonder... Did I do something wrong?? I bet if I was 'so-and-so' she would have text me back by now. Ohhh.... the ugliness. Am I the only one that has played that game?? We paint this "story" and start to speculate and wonder, not always giving the benefit of the doubt. The speaker from the summit talked about how she had this argument with her husband. They had gone to a cabin with the family for a week. She and her husband had committed to swimming with each other each morning before the kids woke up. Just spending that time together, doing something they once really enjoyed prior to having families and booming careers; swimming. The morning came, they went out swimming and the wife said to the husband "I'm so thankful that we decided to take this time to do this with each other. I feel so close to you". She was looking for some sentiment back, when the husband said "Yeah, water is good", and carried on. She felt slighted and not noticed. She wondered hmm.. maybe he didn't hear me right?? So she took one more stab at it. She said the same sentence to him, pouring her heart out and being vulnerable one more time. Again, he responded in the same way. She was ticked. Her blood was boiling and that is when she started painting the picture. She thought to herself, that is not how I expected that to go. I thought maybe we would share an embrace, have a 'moment' where our eyes locked and our love for one another would shine through brighter than a shooting star. Instead, she started to think. She wondered, "well maybe I just don't look as nice in a speed-o as I used to". She painted an ugly picture in her head of things her husband might have been thinking like, maybe he just didn't love her anymore? She thought, well this can go one of two ways. She could go in the house and not address the situation. When the husband would say "Hey babe, whats for breakfast?" she could just say "ohhh breakfast fairy?? Where are you breakfast fairy?? It's time for breakfast, dear sweet little breakfast fairy?" and the husband might scratch his head and think.... uh-oh, did I miss something here?
Has that ever happened in your house? Your hubby ends up in the dog house, and you've already shut the door on him before he even comprehended there was an issue??? I've been there. I've done that!
Instead of being passive aggressive, the speaker talked about how she chose to be really, REALLY vulnerable one more time. When they had made it back from their swim, she asked him what was up and wondered if he could hear her out there on the water when she was trying to have a 'moment' with him. The story goes on that he did hear her, however he was plagued with fear over a dream he'd had the night before. In his dream, his kids were swimming in the lake and there were several boaters going very fast and one of the boats was headed right towards them and he'd felt inadequate. He knew there would not be enough time for him to sweep all of his kids up and save them from this boat. He woke up with fear in his heart, that he would not be able to protect his family. He was battling those feelings and holding them in, and instead of sharing his feelings of inadequacy, he brushed his wife off.
Oh my, the power of this story for me. I've done this. All of it. I've painted the picture of how things are supposed to go. I've responded in some REALLY ugly ways when things don't turn out the way I hoped.
I really have just been feeling convicted. Mostly by looking back on this past 10 years and thinking of all the times I've cried and been just broken. I've sat in my own tears and pleaded, even when I wasn't really sure there was a God to be pleading to. I would wonder WHY?? I would beg for answers. When my dad passed away a little over 8 years ago, I was a broken little girl. I didn't think there was going to be anything good that would ever happen to me, and if there was a God, he sure didn't love me. I just kept thinking about my six year old brother, and how it just isn't right to take away his dad. It just wasn't fair, for my sister to not have her dad alive to walk her down the aisle some day. Life just was NOT fair. My dad was never going to meet any of my children, and this was NOT how life was supposed to go. This was not my plan.
Recently, just in reflecting on most of the ten years and smiling and laughing with my husband, who is honestly the best person God could have ever planted in my life. I've been able to look back and reflect and think, oh wow, look how far we have come. Look at all of the things that plagued me, made me sick and bitter, and now look at how that was part of the thread that God used to create and bring us to this uber duber, super place. It was no coincidence that when I found God, I found Love. God has strengthened my heart and instead of being bitter, my ability and desire to have LOVE and share LOVE with others has been multiplied.
Some things just really hurt while your in it. Ohhhh man, I wish I could say I didn't carry some hurt along with me still today from some of those things that happened long ago. I'll never understand why I had to watch my dad slip away, but I'm thankful that God held onto him until my whole family could get to the hospital, to be there, sharing stories about him and laughing. I will never understand why God chose Matt and I to both be gene carriers of hearing loss, but I know that He picked Matt for me, and I know that none of my five kids are a mistake. I don't think I will ever understand why some days life just feels hard. When my chest just feels like elephants have stampeded on me, I've been overlooked by friends, nobody has reached out to me in a while, my husband works too far away, the twins won't take a nap, and my five year old doesn't feel like anyone will like her at her new school because she is different. Oh man, it gets heavy. I don't like to be the carrier of the heavy stuff, sometimes I would rather keep it light, but oh boy, it gets heavy. I just have to remember that in that very moment, I cannot paint the picture.
I get it now, I think I really 'get' it. Well, honestly, for today I get it (because I am human and sometimes life just hurts. Like today, when I got the bill for when the gas company had to come out and fix our gas meter because my husband ran it over with a scissors lift...). God has used some of the hard times and circumstances that I've been in to shape my heart. He has planted qualities in me that I would not have without my life experience like, gentleness, clarity, compassion and wisdom beyond my years. At least those are some qualities I have been told I've been blessed with from some good friends :)
The BIG picture is going to be beautiful, but it's not mine to paint.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Well.. this is awkward
There is this big awkward situation in my life and I think it is safe for me to address it, finally.
On November 18, 2014, Matt and I were on our way back from an appointment in Mankato with our sweet little Aubree. After a long(ish) day at the audiologist, we decided to treat ourselves to our favorite comfort food stop. The CHINESE BUFFET!!! mmmm-mmmm-good! It makes my mouth water just to think about it ;). On our way home we talked and talked, which is the way we spend most of our drives together. We talked about Aubree and her progress (or lack thereof at that time), we talked about work, and we talked about our past. Often times, we will laugh and laugh at situations from 10-15 years ago. We've had some pretty great and also some very challenging experiences as a couple. Our conversation rarely dulls, sometimes we forget to even turn on the radio! On this day, we were both pretty zonked. It can get tiring, spending so much time in a clinic or hospital setting. I stared out the passenger window and my wheels just started turning.
If you know me well, you probably know that my brain just never stops. I have a hard time resting, and I can't even remember the last time I was able to fall asleep in a vehicle. This day was no different. The tiredness just made my thought process escalate. I was thinking about how the twins were over a year old already. It never seemed like we would get to this place, a place where the twins were sleeping through the night, walking independently, and eating solid foods.
Along with grown up babies came some different changes in me. I had lost a little bit of my identity. I was confused as to what was expected of me. It was hard enough to adjust when I became pregnant with twins and that was nothing compared to the arrival of my two, sweet, precious baby girls. The first year is a little bit of a blur, probably with good reason. Matt and I were lucky to operate on 4-5 hours of sleep each night. There were nights when Matt would go to work in the morning and I would hear the door shut and wonder how in the world he was going to do it?? I've thanked God for the blessing of such a kind hearted and HELPFUL man in my life. He was not a stranger to middle of the night baby rocking sessions. I pumped and nursed the babies for the first 9 months -- I was sooo proud that I didn't need to supplement formula. I also had an incredible appetite, and somehow the scale never budged. Nursing for two had its perks, in the form of pizza, tacos and lasagna.... yummm.... my favorites!!
After 9 months, I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I needed more time. I felt like I needed to give my other kids more of me, rather than nursing and pumping and then nursing and pumping as often as I was. That is when it all changed.
I had grown accustomed to enjoying my favorite foods. I'm not a cake, cookie or ice cream girl. Nope. I'ma -- ooohh, I guess I'll have another piece of broasted chicken, girl :). I've struggled with my weight for most of my life. I've never felt like the "pretty" girl. I've been good friends with some of the most beautiful women (outside and inside) my whole life. You know who you are, you skinny minnie, beautiful hair and makeup, cute clothes all the time girls!! I always just felt like that was the way they were going to get to look and I needed to be content with how I looked. Lacking confidence?? Oh yea, that is an understatement.
So when I stopped nursing, I gained about 15 pounds in three months. That brought me to November 18th, the day we were driving back from Mankato. I said to Matt, we should get a gym membership (again). This was not our first rendezvous at the gym. We had successfully used the gym for a while and then also had a gym membership that had gone unused for a while. Without hesitation, Matt said "yep, were doing it." He pulled into River Valley Fitness right as we got into town and signed us back up. We both went to the gym the evening. We haven't stopped making it a priority since!
Okay, so true story here. On November 18th, I was unhappy with my weight. I had once been 20 pounds heavier than I was on that day, and I knew if I didn't do something different, I was headed back to that place. I just was not willing to let that happen, again.
Some of you have seen me and said "GIRL, you look sooooo good!!"
Others have said "What are you doing, I mean, seriously. WHAT are you doing to lose all this weight??"
I've had a few people just not know what to say. It's awkard, you know? To point out to someone that you notice changes in their physical stature, can sometimes be out of our comfort zone. Besides, you wouldn't want to be offensive, right? You don't want to imply that someone used to be --- eh hem, chunky?
Well, here is my take on it. Thank you so-so-so-SOOOO much to the people who have offered me some encouragement. Truthfully, I see myself everyday and.. point blank, I just don't quite see what you see. I'm extremely proud and thankful to be able to say that I have lost 41 pounds. Not 40, but 41. I won't just say 40, because I have worked VERY hard to lose every single stinkin' pound. However, when I look in the mirror. I still see the same Renae that I saw in November, before I started working out. I know there is just something screwy louie with my eyes, because I've dropped about 5-6 pants sizes. But when someone reminds me that they see progress, I give myself the opportunity to recognize the progress as well.
So what have I done? Hahaha, my boss asked me a few weeks ago what "program" I was on. Good question. I did laugh out loud. It made me think he was asking me if I was on Jennie Craig, weight watchers, P90X, 30 day fix, trim healthy mama or some other well known program. I'm not. I'm doing my own thing. I haven't eliminated anything from my diet. I don't count calories. Rather, I've tried to practice a control of portions (nope, don't measure things out.. just try to be smart) and make mostly good decisions. I read health blogs and magazines. I've read articles and books on nutrition. I've just tried to have a better understanding of food, in general. One of the best pieces of information that I've taken to heart is to treat food like fuel. Food is the fuel that keeps our body going. There is good fuel and there is bad fuel. Our bodies perform better for us when we pour the good stuff in. I ditched drinking my calories, water is my drink of choice and I try to eat more fruits and vegetables and lean meats. Variety is key to me. Some of my favorite foods, like pastas and pizza are not always the healthiest or best options.. but I still eat them. I made homemade pizza for lunch today. Instead of indulging in homemade pizza, I had a couple small slices and paired it with a salad. I choose vinaigrette dressing and top it with cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and red peppers. Rather than choosing ranch dressing, sunflower seeds and croutons. I've just learned to appreciate the taste of fresher foods!
I exercise 4,5 or 6 days a week. It completely depends on life. Matt and I rotate out a workout schedule. During the school year, I was roughing it at the gym at 5:45 a.m. with a good girl friend. Trust me, if she was not expecting me at that hour, I would have NEVER made it to the gym. I appreciated that accountability and often times I wish I was still doing the early morning thing, but I just cannot bring myself to feel motivated on my own at that hour.
Matt and I have ran a 4 mile race and 5K (3.1 miles) this year. We hope to do more races, it gives us something to look forward to and something to keep motivated to work on our fitness.
When the lady at the grocery store is scanning my items and she says to me "so seriously, what ARE you doing that is making you lose all this weight??" -- I wish I had something to say other than, I WORK REALLY, REALLY HARD! But it's the truth. It hasn't been quick or easy. It's been really slow progress, one day at a time, one decision at a time. I have bad days, but then I try to not discipline myself too hard. Instead, I let myself know that it is okay to live. I'ts okay to eat a slice of cake every now and then. It's not okay to eat a piece of cake EVERY day. It's okay to have lasagna, but I don't need to keep eating it just because it tastes so, so SO sinfully good :). I'm working on it. Everyday, I. Am. Working. On. It.
It took me a long time to want to share about this journey that I've stepped out on. I didn't really want to say anything about it, only to step back and think no way, Jose. That is not for me. How embarrassing it would be to publish a blog and then fall off the bandwagon, or not follow through. But... ehh. Whatever. I'm doing it, and I hope I keep on doing it :)
Thanks for all the encouragement and praise, It has helped me more than I could ever explain!
On November 18, 2014, Matt and I were on our way back from an appointment in Mankato with our sweet little Aubree. After a long(ish) day at the audiologist, we decided to treat ourselves to our favorite comfort food stop. The CHINESE BUFFET!!! mmmm-mmmm-good! It makes my mouth water just to think about it ;). On our way home we talked and talked, which is the way we spend most of our drives together. We talked about Aubree and her progress (or lack thereof at that time), we talked about work, and we talked about our past. Often times, we will laugh and laugh at situations from 10-15 years ago. We've had some pretty great and also some very challenging experiences as a couple. Our conversation rarely dulls, sometimes we forget to even turn on the radio! On this day, we were both pretty zonked. It can get tiring, spending so much time in a clinic or hospital setting. I stared out the passenger window and my wheels just started turning.
If you know me well, you probably know that my brain just never stops. I have a hard time resting, and I can't even remember the last time I was able to fall asleep in a vehicle. This day was no different. The tiredness just made my thought process escalate. I was thinking about how the twins were over a year old already. It never seemed like we would get to this place, a place where the twins were sleeping through the night, walking independently, and eating solid foods.
Along with grown up babies came some different changes in me. I had lost a little bit of my identity. I was confused as to what was expected of me. It was hard enough to adjust when I became pregnant with twins and that was nothing compared to the arrival of my two, sweet, precious baby girls. The first year is a little bit of a blur, probably with good reason. Matt and I were lucky to operate on 4-5 hours of sleep each night. There were nights when Matt would go to work in the morning and I would hear the door shut and wonder how in the world he was going to do it?? I've thanked God for the blessing of such a kind hearted and HELPFUL man in my life. He was not a stranger to middle of the night baby rocking sessions. I pumped and nursed the babies for the first 9 months -- I was sooo proud that I didn't need to supplement formula. I also had an incredible appetite, and somehow the scale never budged. Nursing for two had its perks, in the form of pizza, tacos and lasagna.... yummm.... my favorites!!
After 9 months, I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I needed more time. I felt like I needed to give my other kids more of me, rather than nursing and pumping and then nursing and pumping as often as I was. That is when it all changed.
I had grown accustomed to enjoying my favorite foods. I'm not a cake, cookie or ice cream girl. Nope. I'ma -- ooohh, I guess I'll have another piece of broasted chicken, girl :). I've struggled with my weight for most of my life. I've never felt like the "pretty" girl. I've been good friends with some of the most beautiful women (outside and inside) my whole life. You know who you are, you skinny minnie, beautiful hair and makeup, cute clothes all the time girls!! I always just felt like that was the way they were going to get to look and I needed to be content with how I looked. Lacking confidence?? Oh yea, that is an understatement.
So when I stopped nursing, I gained about 15 pounds in three months. That brought me to November 18th, the day we were driving back from Mankato. I said to Matt, we should get a gym membership (again). This was not our first rendezvous at the gym. We had successfully used the gym for a while and then also had a gym membership that had gone unused for a while. Without hesitation, Matt said "yep, were doing it." He pulled into River Valley Fitness right as we got into town and signed us back up. We both went to the gym the evening. We haven't stopped making it a priority since!
Okay, so true story here. On November 18th, I was unhappy with my weight. I had once been 20 pounds heavier than I was on that day, and I knew if I didn't do something different, I was headed back to that place. I just was not willing to let that happen, again.
Some of you have seen me and said "GIRL, you look sooooo good!!"
Others have said "What are you doing, I mean, seriously. WHAT are you doing to lose all this weight??"
I've had a few people just not know what to say. It's awkard, you know? To point out to someone that you notice changes in their physical stature, can sometimes be out of our comfort zone. Besides, you wouldn't want to be offensive, right? You don't want to imply that someone used to be --- eh hem, chunky?
Well, here is my take on it. Thank you so-so-so-SOOOO much to the people who have offered me some encouragement. Truthfully, I see myself everyday and.. point blank, I just don't quite see what you see. I'm extremely proud and thankful to be able to say that I have lost 41 pounds. Not 40, but 41. I won't just say 40, because I have worked VERY hard to lose every single stinkin' pound. However, when I look in the mirror. I still see the same Renae that I saw in November, before I started working out. I know there is just something screwy louie with my eyes, because I've dropped about 5-6 pants sizes. But when someone reminds me that they see progress, I give myself the opportunity to recognize the progress as well.
So what have I done? Hahaha, my boss asked me a few weeks ago what "program" I was on. Good question. I did laugh out loud. It made me think he was asking me if I was on Jennie Craig, weight watchers, P90X, 30 day fix, trim healthy mama or some other well known program. I'm not. I'm doing my own thing. I haven't eliminated anything from my diet. I don't count calories. Rather, I've tried to practice a control of portions (nope, don't measure things out.. just try to be smart) and make mostly good decisions. I read health blogs and magazines. I've read articles and books on nutrition. I've just tried to have a better understanding of food, in general. One of the best pieces of information that I've taken to heart is to treat food like fuel. Food is the fuel that keeps our body going. There is good fuel and there is bad fuel. Our bodies perform better for us when we pour the good stuff in. I ditched drinking my calories, water is my drink of choice and I try to eat more fruits and vegetables and lean meats. Variety is key to me. Some of my favorite foods, like pastas and pizza are not always the healthiest or best options.. but I still eat them. I made homemade pizza for lunch today. Instead of indulging in homemade pizza, I had a couple small slices and paired it with a salad. I choose vinaigrette dressing and top it with cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and red peppers. Rather than choosing ranch dressing, sunflower seeds and croutons. I've just learned to appreciate the taste of fresher foods!
I exercise 4,5 or 6 days a week. It completely depends on life. Matt and I rotate out a workout schedule. During the school year, I was roughing it at the gym at 5:45 a.m. with a good girl friend. Trust me, if she was not expecting me at that hour, I would have NEVER made it to the gym. I appreciated that accountability and often times I wish I was still doing the early morning thing, but I just cannot bring myself to feel motivated on my own at that hour.
Matt and I have ran a 4 mile race and 5K (3.1 miles) this year. We hope to do more races, it gives us something to look forward to and something to keep motivated to work on our fitness.
When the lady at the grocery store is scanning my items and she says to me "so seriously, what ARE you doing that is making you lose all this weight??" -- I wish I had something to say other than, I WORK REALLY, REALLY HARD! But it's the truth. It hasn't been quick or easy. It's been really slow progress, one day at a time, one decision at a time. I have bad days, but then I try to not discipline myself too hard. Instead, I let myself know that it is okay to live. I'ts okay to eat a slice of cake every now and then. It's not okay to eat a piece of cake EVERY day. It's okay to have lasagna, but I don't need to keep eating it just because it tastes so, so SO sinfully good :). I'm working on it. Everyday, I. Am. Working. On. It.
It took me a long time to want to share about this journey that I've stepped out on. I didn't really want to say anything about it, only to step back and think no way, Jose. That is not for me. How embarrassing it would be to publish a blog and then fall off the bandwagon, or not follow through. But... ehh. Whatever. I'm doing it, and I hope I keep on doing it :)
Thanks for all the encouragement and praise, It has helped me more than I could ever explain!
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
It's my opinion.
It seems as though I have an opinion about almost everything. I would venture to guess that not everyone always agrees with me or sees the world the way I do, and I accept that. I believe myself to be open-minded and accepting, so try not to bury me in the ground after this unloading of information that tends to keep me awake at night :)
1.) I believe in medical intervention. (insert duh here, if you must :) Clearly 3 of my 5 kids have received a surgical procedure which enabled them to use a sense that they were not born with the ability to use). Cochlear implants are not accepted by everyone and they don't need to be in order for me to feel like this medical, ground breaking, "new", evolving procedure was well worth the risk. My opinion :)
2.) Minimum wage increase. Sure, why not raise the federal minimum wage in an attempt to help people make a better life for themselves. Seems clean, cut and dry to not pay people such low wages that they struggle to make a life for themselves. But you know what else makes sense to me? Working hard and making a life for yourself outside of minimum wage. I work in the fast food industry, a place where people in the public have a general consensus that we don't get paid much outside of minimum wage. The fast food strikes and demands for $15/hour always make me chuckle. For starters, I will say that the company that I work for, usually recognizes and rewards talent when they see it. We do this thing where... if you are a good worker, show up and are reliable --- we pay you more money because we think you are VALUABLE!!! :). It's innovative and great, even inside a fast food joint!! However, this day and age it seems as the years pass especially, finding people that do what they say they are going to do is getting harder and harder. So instead of rewarding people for performance, the government is going to reward them for lack there of. The only people making minimum wage in the establishments I work, are 14 or 15 year old kids. My apologies if the place you work does not have performance reviews or raises, or start you out above the federal minimum wage. My advice, don't work for the slippery suckers out there that only want to pay you minimum wage. I have no doubts that places like that exist. Shame on them. Do better for yourself. Show up and be amazing, my experience tells me that it always pays off. Again, this is my opinion :)
3.) Church. Having a love-hate relationship with what was once a very close family to me. I've been driven out the door by a divided body of people who can't seem to find peace and a place in their hearts to agree to disagree. I have an opinion. A very strong opinion. I believe that where there is people, there will be conflict. I believe that conflict can either stretch us to see past where we can stretch our hand out, or it can eat us up and destroy us. I whole-heartedly believe in growing the body of believers here on Earth and using resources and tools and people and all other AWESOME means that God makes available to us. I found strength and started a relationship with the Lord in a building full of people. The church. What an amazing feeling it is to be a part of something where you all share such a passion. A passion for Jesus, and the belief that He carries all of our sins. That God sent his son in an act of merciful love for all of us. I don't know for sure the day that all of that changed. I can recall when my life changed and I can recall when I started to feel my church family slip away. Currently, my time in the Word has slipped, my prayer life has weakened and my time spent in fellowship has pretty well bottomed out. I can place all the blame in world on one thing or another, but in my heart I know it's the enemy. I'm full blown aware of this so now I have to decide what to do and how to move forward? My prayer would be that I could see some resolve in the place where I surrendered my life to the Lord. I pray that we could all move on to a place where we build eachother up, don't need to raise our voices at one another, can chose to agree or lovingly disagree, speak with honesty and integrity, accept and LOVE one another and ALL OTHERS, and go back to growing the kingdom. Whether it be through the youth, infants, adults or any in-between. My way is not the only way. Practice saying it with me: My way, is not the only way. Yes. I feel much better now.
4.) Have a couple kids, no kids or lots of kids. Whatever it is, I think thats just great! :) Can we just accept that, once again, our way is not the only way? Hey guess what, I have 5 kids and all but one have special needs and guess what??? I think my family is GREAT! I don't think everyone needs to have a lot of kids, but I have several young children and I happen to do a pretty great job raising each one of them :)! Each of them are loved, cared for, fed and bathed. Yep, all 5 of them are mine. Like it or love it, those are your options because they are all here in my life for a reason!
5.) Homeschool, unschool, public school, Christian school. Whatever, whichever, I happen to be completely satisfied with my experience this far with the public school system. My oldest is thriving academically and I couldn't be more pleased with the teachers I have had the pleasure of getting to know. I enjoy volunteering in class rooms, attending bike rodeos, volunteering to read at story time or surprising my kids at lunch time. I appreciate the efforts of my school. I'm proud of all that gets accomplished in those doors, socially, emotionally and academically. But guess what? I know that my way, is not the only way! I have no problem with the choice to homeschool. I think its great what you can accomplish before noon, or that you can do school on Saturday instead of Tuesday. I LOVE the flexibility, the ideas of doing nature walks and growing at your families pace. I think its fantastic!! The Christian school incorporating bible time right into your day, genius. Awesome way to start it out in the early years and build up those building blocks strong and tall. LOVE a sturdy foundation. I just think keeping an open mind is generally the more loving thing to do. Like I said before, my way, is not the ONLY way.
So what do we do when we find ourselves in a situation where our way is not the way the tide is going? How do we respond? Is there something wrong with fighting for what we believe? My not-so-educated-initial-response is: NO. There is probably nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. The point where I think it gets really dicey is when we get to the point of frustration. We lose all ability to be open minded and we start closing the doors. We can stand true to our beliefs and still be open minded. Often times, if we can admit that our way is not the ONLY way -- we can even grow ourselves into more mature and seasoned individuals. Huffy-puffy arguing, rolled eyes, nasty/closed off body language, quick rebuttals and hasty remarks are some of the first signs that our opinions and our ideas are sewn onto our person. I know all of that from experience.. I can be the queen of huffy-puffy. Not proud, just honest. Go ahead, have an opinion. Please, have an opinion and feel free to take a stand. However, be mature enough to be willing to rip it off if you change your mind. I get in positions sometimes, and have with all 5 of the above mentioned topics where I feel attacked. I want people to see it as I do. I still do to this day. However, I've taken some time to sit back in each of these situations and think to myself, where are they coming from when they say XYZ. What do I do when I feel the discussion turning into an argument and the heat getting turned on? Keep an open mind always and remember:
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger.
1.) I believe in medical intervention. (insert duh here, if you must :) Clearly 3 of my 5 kids have received a surgical procedure which enabled them to use a sense that they were not born with the ability to use). Cochlear implants are not accepted by everyone and they don't need to be in order for me to feel like this medical, ground breaking, "new", evolving procedure was well worth the risk. My opinion :)
2.) Minimum wage increase. Sure, why not raise the federal minimum wage in an attempt to help people make a better life for themselves. Seems clean, cut and dry to not pay people such low wages that they struggle to make a life for themselves. But you know what else makes sense to me? Working hard and making a life for yourself outside of minimum wage. I work in the fast food industry, a place where people in the public have a general consensus that we don't get paid much outside of minimum wage. The fast food strikes and demands for $15/hour always make me chuckle. For starters, I will say that the company that I work for, usually recognizes and rewards talent when they see it. We do this thing where... if you are a good worker, show up and are reliable --- we pay you more money because we think you are VALUABLE!!! :). It's innovative and great, even inside a fast food joint!! However, this day and age it seems as the years pass especially, finding people that do what they say they are going to do is getting harder and harder. So instead of rewarding people for performance, the government is going to reward them for lack there of. The only people making minimum wage in the establishments I work, are 14 or 15 year old kids. My apologies if the place you work does not have performance reviews or raises, or start you out above the federal minimum wage. My advice, don't work for the slippery suckers out there that only want to pay you minimum wage. I have no doubts that places like that exist. Shame on them. Do better for yourself. Show up and be amazing, my experience tells me that it always pays off. Again, this is my opinion :)
3.) Church. Having a love-hate relationship with what was once a very close family to me. I've been driven out the door by a divided body of people who can't seem to find peace and a place in their hearts to agree to disagree. I have an opinion. A very strong opinion. I believe that where there is people, there will be conflict. I believe that conflict can either stretch us to see past where we can stretch our hand out, or it can eat us up and destroy us. I whole-heartedly believe in growing the body of believers here on Earth and using resources and tools and people and all other AWESOME means that God makes available to us. I found strength and started a relationship with the Lord in a building full of people. The church. What an amazing feeling it is to be a part of something where you all share such a passion. A passion for Jesus, and the belief that He carries all of our sins. That God sent his son in an act of merciful love for all of us. I don't know for sure the day that all of that changed. I can recall when my life changed and I can recall when I started to feel my church family slip away. Currently, my time in the Word has slipped, my prayer life has weakened and my time spent in fellowship has pretty well bottomed out. I can place all the blame in world on one thing or another, but in my heart I know it's the enemy. I'm full blown aware of this so now I have to decide what to do and how to move forward? My prayer would be that I could see some resolve in the place where I surrendered my life to the Lord. I pray that we could all move on to a place where we build eachother up, don't need to raise our voices at one another, can chose to agree or lovingly disagree, speak with honesty and integrity, accept and LOVE one another and ALL OTHERS, and go back to growing the kingdom. Whether it be through the youth, infants, adults or any in-between. My way is not the only way. Practice saying it with me: My way, is not the only way. Yes. I feel much better now.
4.) Have a couple kids, no kids or lots of kids. Whatever it is, I think thats just great! :) Can we just accept that, once again, our way is not the only way? Hey guess what, I have 5 kids and all but one have special needs and guess what??? I think my family is GREAT! I don't think everyone needs to have a lot of kids, but I have several young children and I happen to do a pretty great job raising each one of them :)! Each of them are loved, cared for, fed and bathed. Yep, all 5 of them are mine. Like it or love it, those are your options because they are all here in my life for a reason!
5.) Homeschool, unschool, public school, Christian school. Whatever, whichever, I happen to be completely satisfied with my experience this far with the public school system. My oldest is thriving academically and I couldn't be more pleased with the teachers I have had the pleasure of getting to know. I enjoy volunteering in class rooms, attending bike rodeos, volunteering to read at story time or surprising my kids at lunch time. I appreciate the efforts of my school. I'm proud of all that gets accomplished in those doors, socially, emotionally and academically. But guess what? I know that my way, is not the only way! I have no problem with the choice to homeschool. I think its great what you can accomplish before noon, or that you can do school on Saturday instead of Tuesday. I LOVE the flexibility, the ideas of doing nature walks and growing at your families pace. I think its fantastic!! The Christian school incorporating bible time right into your day, genius. Awesome way to start it out in the early years and build up those building blocks strong and tall. LOVE a sturdy foundation. I just think keeping an open mind is generally the more loving thing to do. Like I said before, my way, is not the ONLY way.
So what do we do when we find ourselves in a situation where our way is not the way the tide is going? How do we respond? Is there something wrong with fighting for what we believe? My not-so-educated-initial-response is: NO. There is probably nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. The point where I think it gets really dicey is when we get to the point of frustration. We lose all ability to be open minded and we start closing the doors. We can stand true to our beliefs and still be open minded. Often times, if we can admit that our way is not the ONLY way -- we can even grow ourselves into more mature and seasoned individuals. Huffy-puffy arguing, rolled eyes, nasty/closed off body language, quick rebuttals and hasty remarks are some of the first signs that our opinions and our ideas are sewn onto our person. I know all of that from experience.. I can be the queen of huffy-puffy. Not proud, just honest. Go ahead, have an opinion. Please, have an opinion and feel free to take a stand. However, be mature enough to be willing to rip it off if you change your mind. I get in positions sometimes, and have with all 5 of the above mentioned topics where I feel attacked. I want people to see it as I do. I still do to this day. However, I've taken some time to sit back in each of these situations and think to myself, where are they coming from when they say XYZ. What do I do when I feel the discussion turning into an argument and the heat getting turned on? Keep an open mind always and remember:
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up anger.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
If Confidence is the Key to Success, Humility must be a super power.
Where has the time gone? My twins are 18 months old!!!!!! My oldest is just shy of turning 8 and wrapping up his 2nd grade school year. Kendra is going to be a kindergartener!! Good gravy, who knew this would ever happen?? Who knew that I wouldn't still be surviving off of 4-6 hours of sleep every night?? I didn't think Aubree was ever going to get those cochlear implants and now she is saying words!!! Who knew that Baylee would turn into a little jokester just like her daddy, making it more of a 50/50 split on her attitude -- straight up diva or lovable little trickster. Can't forget about my sweet little Milesy, he has turned the corner towards a very outspoken and super smart boy. He has not lost his sensitivity (yes, he loves barbies and enjoys watching my little pony videos on youtube-- I happen to adore his individuality). They are all thriving in their own areas. Each of my kids is VERY much different from the one before them. I just could never have guessed it a year ago. One year ago, I was sliding down a slippery slope. I was not sure what I was doing wrong, but certainly (I thought), my littles needed me to step up my mama game. If you can't remember, let me paint the picture.....
When Noah finished first grade, I was elated to have him done. He excelled academically but struggled socially and it BROKE MY HEART!! Last year, I would get so emotional thinking about how he didn't really have the confidence to ask to play with people and then of course, I wondered if people shunned him because of his ears. Of course, his ears had to be the problem because he was an amazing boy!!! (clearly, that last sentence was my maternal brilliance kicking in-- had to blame something, and it certainly couldn't be my perfect boy). A year ago, my sweet, 4 year old Kendra was pretty much the opposite of her big brother. She had confidence, could make friends with a simple little flash of her dimples and instead, struggled with her ABC's and 123's. She didn't love to read like her brother did (so surely, I had done something wrong!! If she enjoyed stories, SURELY she would have picked up on language and learning just as her big brother. Man, I was a failure). Miles was still in the repeating phase last year. Twelve months ago, I was already predicting that Miles would not be ready for kindergarten (2 years out at the time), because I was failing him. I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong, but there was something that I was missing because Noah was a genius academically, Kendra was sub-par and Miles was merely repeating what I was saying-- did he lack the ability to comprehend?? I didn't know, and webMD and google didn't have the answer either. I was up a creek without a paddle. A failure. A year ago, we didn't know if Aubree was hearing us or not. It seemed like it would come and go and good grief, with all the sleep we were getting, how reliable were we at reporting how well she was or wasn't doing?? Ummmm..... pressure!! I'd stuffed myself in a pressure cooker and I don't know how I didn't blow. A year ago, Matt started his journey in the Marshall store. He tagged on 2.5ish hours of travel each day. It is REALLY hard to have your husband that far away when your a soldier in the trenches. A year ago, Baylee cried and cried and cried some more.
But look at me now! I'm a survivor!!! :)
It has been a while, and probably too long since I've taken some time to sit down and feel it all out. Truth is, a lot of times its just easier to try to forget that you feel or how you feel. Especially when your trying to be strong, stand tall in your faith, and be thankful for the yesterdays and hopeful for the tomorrows. I guess that is pretty much the reason I haven't taken too many time outs to write like I used to faithfully. I had a once a month rule, no more, no less for the first year that I blogged. I have about a zillion unpublished blogs and only about 20ish (?) that I've confidently hit "publish" on. I'm a fairly happy gal, really, I am. Somedays, I feel like all signs point towards the fact that I don't have to chose happy, but I still make a pretty good effort at it. My quality of life is highly dependent on the choices that I make. The reason I'm writing this blog is simple.... If confidence is key to success, than humility must be a super power. Let me humble myself before you all today.
People, people, people. I'm only 27 years young, so I will be the first to admit that I have a lot to learn in life. You've probably heard the term, hindsight is 20/20? True story! I still have to figure out how to step into the present situation that I am in and recognize the beauty. I've mastered looking back and realizing that ohhhh.... all this lead me to that, which helped us achieve this and accomplish all of THAT! My thought process doesn't always lean in a positive direction. I'm more of a "what more could/should I have done" type of girl. That is what I am trying to make a conscious decision at changing. I'm sure I will have a relapse or 10, dwelling on the not-so-positive, but hey I'm human. I'm a humble human. Being a humble human makes me AmAzInG!!! Why, you ask?? Because I'm not done growing. I won't allow it!! I will continue to become a better version of myself! BOOM! That's what's up! (okay, totally just sounded like my quirky husband right there)...
And for the highlight reel................
Kendra just participated in her first dance class, complete with a dance recital that consisted of 3 different dance routines. NAILED it! During the recital, my worst fear happened.. Kendras CI processor fell off her head during one of her spins. It flew behind her, within the stomping ground of one of her many fellow dancers. I gasped in the audience, feeling helpless and wanting to cover my eyes like I would during one of the suspenseful moments while watching the Black List. She noticed immediately, her eyes tracked it and she turned around and grabbed her CI and placed it right back on her head and recovered like a CHAMPION! Yea, I am still pretty proud.
Noah has leaps and bounds grown socially over the course of this past year. He plays with the neighborhood kids, when I go to the school to hang out for a bit, people are always interacting with him and he has developed quite the personality. He reminds me of his dad, doesn't let too much bother him and knows how to be the life of the party. School still comes pretty easy for him, except for the fact that he doesn't write as nicely as his 5 year old sister. HAHA, but hey. We had 5 kids hoping one would be a doctor :)
I have the best conversations with Miles. He truly is such a sweet boy!!! He's the type of kid who will come home and recognize that I've done my hair (I've got 5 kids, no way am I maintaining a beautiful head of hair). But he notices!! He is appreciative, thankful, helpful and kind. He talks a TON!! While not all of what he says is understandable... he is so on the right track.
Aubree has words!!! Which certainly means her CI's are WORKING!!! I will be 100% honest. She did not respond reliably when her name was called for the first 2 months of wearing her CI's. January and February were rough.... I was not confident (imagine that-- worry wart mama over here). When all of a sudden... after months of talking and talking and trying soooo hard to keep her "ears" on. I would sing EVERYDAY, nursery rhymes with actions-- specifically itsy bitsy spider and patty-cake. One day, I was singing itsy bitsy with NO actions cues and wah-lah! She started bobbing from side to side and doing the actions ALL BY HERSELF! Now, she makes lots of sounds and she knows her name!!!! :) :). Tears, you guys. It was such a long road. She's doing so great, I never could have imagined my heart could be this happy. This time its happy tears, and I couldn't be more grateful.
Baylee has turned into quite the lover. She cuddles and kisses now. Huge upgrade from the little girl who had lots and lots of tears that were quite unexplicable for a LONG time. She sings songs, has a huge vocabulary and did I mention that she is quirky?? Her giggle is possibly the most contagious sound ever. The twins are routinely napping from noon-2:30-3, and sleeping through the night. A year ago, I would not have imagined life could be this good.
We still have our rougher moments. Even on a daily basis, whether it be CI hunting, someone got an ouchie rough housing, someone at school told me my ears are funny, etc.. etc.. But there are beautiful lessons to be learned with each situation that were faced with. The last year was a beautiful, lesson filled year. I'm confident that this year will be the same!
When Noah finished first grade, I was elated to have him done. He excelled academically but struggled socially and it BROKE MY HEART!! Last year, I would get so emotional thinking about how he didn't really have the confidence to ask to play with people and then of course, I wondered if people shunned him because of his ears. Of course, his ears had to be the problem because he was an amazing boy!!! (clearly, that last sentence was my maternal brilliance kicking in-- had to blame something, and it certainly couldn't be my perfect boy). A year ago, my sweet, 4 year old Kendra was pretty much the opposite of her big brother. She had confidence, could make friends with a simple little flash of her dimples and instead, struggled with her ABC's and 123's. She didn't love to read like her brother did (so surely, I had done something wrong!! If she enjoyed stories, SURELY she would have picked up on language and learning just as her big brother. Man, I was a failure). Miles was still in the repeating phase last year. Twelve months ago, I was already predicting that Miles would not be ready for kindergarten (2 years out at the time), because I was failing him. I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong, but there was something that I was missing because Noah was a genius academically, Kendra was sub-par and Miles was merely repeating what I was saying-- did he lack the ability to comprehend?? I didn't know, and webMD and google didn't have the answer either. I was up a creek without a paddle. A failure. A year ago, we didn't know if Aubree was hearing us or not. It seemed like it would come and go and good grief, with all the sleep we were getting, how reliable were we at reporting how well she was or wasn't doing?? Ummmm..... pressure!! I'd stuffed myself in a pressure cooker and I don't know how I didn't blow. A year ago, Matt started his journey in the Marshall store. He tagged on 2.5ish hours of travel each day. It is REALLY hard to have your husband that far away when your a soldier in the trenches. A year ago, Baylee cried and cried and cried some more.
But look at me now! I'm a survivor!!! :)
It has been a while, and probably too long since I've taken some time to sit down and feel it all out. Truth is, a lot of times its just easier to try to forget that you feel or how you feel. Especially when your trying to be strong, stand tall in your faith, and be thankful for the yesterdays and hopeful for the tomorrows. I guess that is pretty much the reason I haven't taken too many time outs to write like I used to faithfully. I had a once a month rule, no more, no less for the first year that I blogged. I have about a zillion unpublished blogs and only about 20ish (?) that I've confidently hit "publish" on. I'm a fairly happy gal, really, I am. Somedays, I feel like all signs point towards the fact that I don't have to chose happy, but I still make a pretty good effort at it. My quality of life is highly dependent on the choices that I make. The reason I'm writing this blog is simple.... If confidence is key to success, than humility must be a super power. Let me humble myself before you all today.
People, people, people. I'm only 27 years young, so I will be the first to admit that I have a lot to learn in life. You've probably heard the term, hindsight is 20/20? True story! I still have to figure out how to step into the present situation that I am in and recognize the beauty. I've mastered looking back and realizing that ohhhh.... all this lead me to that, which helped us achieve this and accomplish all of THAT! My thought process doesn't always lean in a positive direction. I'm more of a "what more could/should I have done" type of girl. That is what I am trying to make a conscious decision at changing. I'm sure I will have a relapse or 10, dwelling on the not-so-positive, but hey I'm human. I'm a humble human. Being a humble human makes me AmAzInG!!! Why, you ask?? Because I'm not done growing. I won't allow it!! I will continue to become a better version of myself! BOOM! That's what's up! (okay, totally just sounded like my quirky husband right there)...
And for the highlight reel................
Kendra just participated in her first dance class, complete with a dance recital that consisted of 3 different dance routines. NAILED it! During the recital, my worst fear happened.. Kendras CI processor fell off her head during one of her spins. It flew behind her, within the stomping ground of one of her many fellow dancers. I gasped in the audience, feeling helpless and wanting to cover my eyes like I would during one of the suspenseful moments while watching the Black List. She noticed immediately, her eyes tracked it and she turned around and grabbed her CI and placed it right back on her head and recovered like a CHAMPION! Yea, I am still pretty proud.
Noah has leaps and bounds grown socially over the course of this past year. He plays with the neighborhood kids, when I go to the school to hang out for a bit, people are always interacting with him and he has developed quite the personality. He reminds me of his dad, doesn't let too much bother him and knows how to be the life of the party. School still comes pretty easy for him, except for the fact that he doesn't write as nicely as his 5 year old sister. HAHA, but hey. We had 5 kids hoping one would be a doctor :)
I have the best conversations with Miles. He truly is such a sweet boy!!! He's the type of kid who will come home and recognize that I've done my hair (I've got 5 kids, no way am I maintaining a beautiful head of hair). But he notices!! He is appreciative, thankful, helpful and kind. He talks a TON!! While not all of what he says is understandable... he is so on the right track.
Aubree has words!!! Which certainly means her CI's are WORKING!!! I will be 100% honest. She did not respond reliably when her name was called for the first 2 months of wearing her CI's. January and February were rough.... I was not confident (imagine that-- worry wart mama over here). When all of a sudden... after months of talking and talking and trying soooo hard to keep her "ears" on. I would sing EVERYDAY, nursery rhymes with actions-- specifically itsy bitsy spider and patty-cake. One day, I was singing itsy bitsy with NO actions cues and wah-lah! She started bobbing from side to side and doing the actions ALL BY HERSELF! Now, she makes lots of sounds and she knows her name!!!! :) :). Tears, you guys. It was such a long road. She's doing so great, I never could have imagined my heart could be this happy. This time its happy tears, and I couldn't be more grateful.
Baylee has turned into quite the lover. She cuddles and kisses now. Huge upgrade from the little girl who had lots and lots of tears that were quite unexplicable for a LONG time. She sings songs, has a huge vocabulary and did I mention that she is quirky?? Her giggle is possibly the most contagious sound ever. The twins are routinely napping from noon-2:30-3, and sleeping through the night. A year ago, I would not have imagined life could be this good.
We still have our rougher moments. Even on a daily basis, whether it be CI hunting, someone got an ouchie rough housing, someone at school told me my ears are funny, etc.. etc.. But there are beautiful lessons to be learned with each situation that were faced with. The last year was a beautiful, lesson filled year. I'm confident that this year will be the same!
Friday, January 30, 2015
I've got a crazy kind of LOVE!
Oh my is the sun shining BRIGHT today!!!!
Seriously, today has been a beautiful day for the Steffen family. Aubree and Noah went to the audiologist today (I know.. shocking, seems were there fairly regularly). Words cannot even describe how amazing I am feeling about our journey right now. Where we've come from and especially where we are going. I am over the moon excited for Monday, when we activate Aubrees second implant. Ohh, it's love.
All you mommy's, daddy's, aunts, uncles, grams and gramps, and friends that could basically classify as family to others get this. Love makes you crazy. I know I am not the only one. But, you know when your going through some things and your really just wondering "what's going to happen" or "how is this going to work out" and even "am I making the right decision" or "did I handle this the right way". When you love someone, those are really high priority questions, sometimes even with the minimal decisions. We all have 'whoopsies' and portions of days or even full days that we really just wish we could do-over. That's what LOVE does to us. It makes us CrAzY!!!! We want to do it right. We want to do our loved ones justice in the way that we impact their lives.
Relate to me, here. You love your son or daughter or maybe its a niece or a nephew so much that sometimes you just go nuts. Hmm.. should my son play basketball?? He's not reeeaaalllly getting it... hmm. WRONG. Boy were we wrong. Noah ROCKED that basketball court yesterday. You throw some color coordinated jerseys on so that he understood who was on his team and bingo-bango-bongo, he got it! His dad and I were kicking ourselves about the fact that we didn't play one-on-one or spend more time teaching him the basics, when in actuality, we had spent a fair amount of time building up his balling skill set. He might not be the next Michael Jordan, but he doesn't need to be. Now, just a day later I thing hahaha, hilarious. I really stressed about that. I felt bad, and for what? That my son wasn't 'better' at basketball? I just love the kid so much, I want him to be good at everything. My love for him makes me CRAZY!
Wives, can you relate to this one? My husband is great at what he does. He is an awesome manager. Thankfully, I work with him and 'get' what he does and where his mind goes. He is definitely a thinker/dreamer/make-it-better kind of guy. He has all sorts of ideas for work and sometimes I raise my eyebrows and think "wow... you really are something ;)" But I love that about him because he is always trying to be a part of something great. That's why he has achieved sooo many great things. But, I'm crazy! Really, I am. I don't care that he spent a majority of our drive to the doctor today on the phone working out 'work' things or that he buzzed in and out of our appointments for the same cause. I appreciate that about him! But, I'm crazy! :) Sometimes, I get insecure about my parenting. I'm worried because he leaves for work and ta-da --- its just me those little Steffens get. For many hours in a day, I'm it. I'm the referee, the teacher, the librarian, lunch lady and I'm their mommy. So what do I say to my husband? Literally, I told him last week that if Aubree is not successful with her CI's, it is ALLLLL MYYY FAULT!!! That is truly how I felt, because I spend so much time with her and was running out of steam with her CI. I guilted him into staying home to help me make the decision the day before her surgery, because I just couldn't have that sit on my heart alone.
I told you, I'm crazy. I love Aubree sooo much, that I just want to do everything I can for her. Some real hard truth is about to be dropped right here. Last week, I really had my husband and I questioning whether or not Aubree should get her second implant. I questioned if her first processor was working and whether I would want to put my baby girl through that procedure if I didn't think the first one was any benefit to her. I loved her so much, I got irrational and a lot of bit crazy! She had only been activated for a couple weeks, how could I think I knew this wasn't working? Our deaf and hard of hearing teacher had really been hitting us hard with questions about Aubrees ANSD and I started to question if CI's would work for her. I didn't see a jolting response from the first CI and started to worry. In hindsight, I wish that teacher wouldn't have shared a lack of success story just 5 days out of activation with us. It wasn't a good place for my mommy heart. So what does this crazy in love mommy do?? She cries. She worries about it and even goes so far as to convince her husband that maybe everything we had once believed would be right for us, is so wrong.
Today was a milestone day for me. I truly believe that it is ok to have INCH-stones. Yes, inch-stones. We don't have to go miles and miles of progress everyday, and reaching and celebrating the inches is what is best for our family right now. Aubree is doing amazing. My little girl is doing incredible and she is hearing. When we go to Mayo and everyone recognizes us, they know how hard we worked just to get these surgeries done and how amazing our older kids have done and they let us be involved in the hearing booth tests -- the feeling of gratitude is overwhelming. I LOVE the fact that we chose to take Noah to this facility, 7 years ago.
So what did I learn today?? I'm crazy.
I'm crazy in love with my family. This is probably the single best explanation I could give to people when they ask me what I do with my children that has got them where they are today. When I mentor mamas from now on, I'm going to be sure to tell them to ignite that crazy love in their hearts and give it all they have. Dig deep, parents. Don't be afraid to ask questions and wonder. It's like my husband at work, his ideas are out there... BUT GO AHEAD AND GO OUT THERE!!! Reel yourself back in, but for Pete's/Karen's/Joe's sake, love them like CRAZY!
Seriously, today has been a beautiful day for the Steffen family. Aubree and Noah went to the audiologist today (I know.. shocking, seems were there fairly regularly). Words cannot even describe how amazing I am feeling about our journey right now. Where we've come from and especially where we are going. I am over the moon excited for Monday, when we activate Aubrees second implant. Ohh, it's love.
All you mommy's, daddy's, aunts, uncles, grams and gramps, and friends that could basically classify as family to others get this. Love makes you crazy. I know I am not the only one. But, you know when your going through some things and your really just wondering "what's going to happen" or "how is this going to work out" and even "am I making the right decision" or "did I handle this the right way". When you love someone, those are really high priority questions, sometimes even with the minimal decisions. We all have 'whoopsies' and portions of days or even full days that we really just wish we could do-over. That's what LOVE does to us. It makes us CrAzY!!!! We want to do it right. We want to do our loved ones justice in the way that we impact their lives.
Relate to me, here. You love your son or daughter or maybe its a niece or a nephew so much that sometimes you just go nuts. Hmm.. should my son play basketball?? He's not reeeaaalllly getting it... hmm. WRONG. Boy were we wrong. Noah ROCKED that basketball court yesterday. You throw some color coordinated jerseys on so that he understood who was on his team and bingo-bango-bongo, he got it! His dad and I were kicking ourselves about the fact that we didn't play one-on-one or spend more time teaching him the basics, when in actuality, we had spent a fair amount of time building up his balling skill set. He might not be the next Michael Jordan, but he doesn't need to be. Now, just a day later I thing hahaha, hilarious. I really stressed about that. I felt bad, and for what? That my son wasn't 'better' at basketball? I just love the kid so much, I want him to be good at everything. My love for him makes me CRAZY!
Wives, can you relate to this one? My husband is great at what he does. He is an awesome manager. Thankfully, I work with him and 'get' what he does and where his mind goes. He is definitely a thinker/dreamer/make-it-better kind of guy. He has all sorts of ideas for work and sometimes I raise my eyebrows and think "wow... you really are something ;)" But I love that about him because he is always trying to be a part of something great. That's why he has achieved sooo many great things. But, I'm crazy! Really, I am. I don't care that he spent a majority of our drive to the doctor today on the phone working out 'work' things or that he buzzed in and out of our appointments for the same cause. I appreciate that about him! But, I'm crazy! :) Sometimes, I get insecure about my parenting. I'm worried because he leaves for work and ta-da --- its just me those little Steffens get. For many hours in a day, I'm it. I'm the referee, the teacher, the librarian, lunch lady and I'm their mommy. So what do I say to my husband? Literally, I told him last week that if Aubree is not successful with her CI's, it is ALLLLL MYYY FAULT!!! That is truly how I felt, because I spend so much time with her and was running out of steam with her CI. I guilted him into staying home to help me make the decision the day before her surgery, because I just couldn't have that sit on my heart alone.
I told you, I'm crazy. I love Aubree sooo much, that I just want to do everything I can for her. Some real hard truth is about to be dropped right here. Last week, I really had my husband and I questioning whether or not Aubree should get her second implant. I questioned if her first processor was working and whether I would want to put my baby girl through that procedure if I didn't think the first one was any benefit to her. I loved her so much, I got irrational and a lot of bit crazy! She had only been activated for a couple weeks, how could I think I knew this wasn't working? Our deaf and hard of hearing teacher had really been hitting us hard with questions about Aubrees ANSD and I started to question if CI's would work for her. I didn't see a jolting response from the first CI and started to worry. In hindsight, I wish that teacher wouldn't have shared a lack of success story just 5 days out of activation with us. It wasn't a good place for my mommy heart. So what does this crazy in love mommy do?? She cries. She worries about it and even goes so far as to convince her husband that maybe everything we had once believed would be right for us, is so wrong.
Today was a milestone day for me. I truly believe that it is ok to have INCH-stones. Yes, inch-stones. We don't have to go miles and miles of progress everyday, and reaching and celebrating the inches is what is best for our family right now. Aubree is doing amazing. My little girl is doing incredible and she is hearing. When we go to Mayo and everyone recognizes us, they know how hard we worked just to get these surgeries done and how amazing our older kids have done and they let us be involved in the hearing booth tests -- the feeling of gratitude is overwhelming. I LOVE the fact that we chose to take Noah to this facility, 7 years ago.
So what did I learn today?? I'm crazy.
I'm crazy in love with my family. This is probably the single best explanation I could give to people when they ask me what I do with my children that has got them where they are today. When I mentor mamas from now on, I'm going to be sure to tell them to ignite that crazy love in their hearts and give it all they have. Dig deep, parents. Don't be afraid to ask questions and wonder. It's like my husband at work, his ideas are out there... BUT GO AHEAD AND GO OUT THERE!!! Reel yourself back in, but for Pete's/Karen's/Joe's sake, love them like CRAZY!
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I'm back
I took a few months worth of a "break" from sharing my thoughts. I did not even make notes to reflect or take much time to process how things made me feel. I had what I thought to be a true "break-up" with my blog "whatrtheodds". Nobody will notice, I convinced myself. People don't expect me to have the time to pound out the keyboard for an hour and spill my soul. It was November, and my husband said to me "that sounds like a blog post coming on". I brushed it off, thought nah. It didn't even entice me (although remembering this comment, I cannot recall what the situation was we were talking about :( bummer... maybe there is some logic to those 'notes' I would write (or text) myself). Later, a great friend of mine gifted me a coffee mug with the words "Every Day is a Gift" ha! Catchy :) Those words, so familiar. A handwritten note praising my experiences and my abilities to write about them. I was still not shaken. Christmastime rolled around and one of Matt's aunts gave me the "eye-contact/I'm here for you/I want to give you an encouraging word" talk in regards to my blog. I was shocked that she was a reader! Still not convinced I had anything worthy of sharing, I wrote no notes. Just a few weeks ago, a McDonald's playland date led me to lunch with a couple of great girlfriends. One of them says "Can this be your new blog???" I'm pretty sure I just shrugged my shoulders, shook my head and smiled. I still had no motivation to write. Were my experiences helping anyone?? Was I crazy for ever thinking it was necessary to publish my highs/lows and all the in-betweens? Maybe a little bit. But I'm back, at least for now. I think my 3 month break has taught me something BIG. Maybe even HUGE! I have a lot of feelings and emotions and some people really do appreciate what I have to say. Most importantly, my experiences matter. They are me, and my family- and we really are some kind of special.
Here goes nothing!
So much has changed in these past few months. Lets start with the youngest for a change. My sweet Baylee Renae is a feisty little sassy pants jokester. She is brilliant, talkative, full of energy, loves sweet peas, bananas and splashing in the bath tub. Splash as in FLOOD the entire bathroom. She has figured out how to be happier during the day and is my best sleeper. She is ready for bed by 8 p.m. and she DOES need her beauty sleep. Temperamental, yes. Some habits are harder to break ;). I sure do love that youngest little lady of mine. Especially when she reaches her arms out for me and waddles (yep, she waddles) towards me with her hands opening and closing as if to say "gimme-gimme".
Aubree Ashley is the easy going polar opposite of her little sister Bay. Although Bay outweighs her sister by a solid couple of pounds, Aubs is a couple inches taller. Aubree is a sweet little dare devil. If we don't lock the doors, she will open them and head outside, right down the steps. No fear in that little one. She loves when her daddy tickles her and throws her high in the air. Seventeen days ago, Aubree finally recieved her first CI. 10 days ago, we were live! Her cochlear implant was activated. It was a long and rocky road, complete with a couple of let downs where we actually made our way to surgery day only to be sent home. Most recently, this past Monday, we were supposed to get her 2nd side implanted when our Doctor was ill and unable to perform surgery. Were just happy that she recovered so nicely from her first surgery. Oh, and the new technology is amazing!! A remote that beeps when she takes her implant off, genius :)
Miles is doing awesome. He loves school and has been figuring out how to go to bed at a decent hour! Miraculous. I didn't think we would ever get as far as we've come with this issue, and there is still room to go. Miles loves wearing his hearing aids now, were just working on getting him to realize when the batteries are dead so we can give him sound as opposed to shouting and wondering why he doesn't respond ;). Were hoping the new method will be more effective, eventually.
Kendra just turned 5. I can't hardly believe my baby girl is 5!! She asks me more often than I'd wished how many days before kindergarten. HAHA! Soon enough, little lady. Its way too early for a countdown. For Kendras birthday, my mom sent my sister and Matt (and I tagged along) to get her ears pierced. I don't handle painful situations with the most grace, so initially I was not expected to be able to handle an ear piercing. I proved those neigh-sayers wrong! Kendra did sooo amazing, I was even able to video it. Although, I looked away when they were saying 3,2,1. Kendra was able to come with us to Aubrees activation. She had a dentist appointment (multi-tasking, have to take advantage of those times Hubby is home and were going out of town) and afterwards she sat in on our appointment with the audiologist. We also saw the surgeon that day, and it was incredibly encouraging how proud and wide they smiled at how great Kendras speech was. She not-so-humbly would say "I know" when they would complement her. Were going to work on that :)
Noah is the most amazing 7 year old I could have ever imagined having. Last night at Awana, he got his quarter in the jar (a game they play with their "dues" they bring each week) and earned a piece of candy. He was also a book finished which awarded him another piece of candy. Lastly, his team won the collaborative group challenge and that made 3 pieces of candy. I looked over at his proud, partially toothless grin and he licked his lips and smiled some more. He walked over to me at the end and said "I have three candies so now Kendra and Milesy can each get one too". My heart was full, and the craziest part was how predictable this situation was. I knew it before he even announced that this would be his idea. I'm blessed with some of the most selfless and wonderful kids.
In a nutshell, I've been feeling less than prepared for all of the little swerves and curves life has thrown at me. It would seem that nothing should really throw me into a mental state of shock anymore, yet I tend to react in that sort of a manner. The biggest thing that has been crippling my heart lately is still the unknown with Aubree. Her auditory neuropathy is still the road less traveled for us. I've been reading blog posts and hearing testimonials from other parents with children that have chosen this route. Unfortunately, the results are not always the same. I'm really hoping and praying that Aubree will be one of the big success stories. Just like her brothers and sister. There is always a reality that I need to sink my teeth into. That may not be the case, and it's really too early to tell. Lord providing, I am the mother that Aubree needs, and Matt and I are the parents that God designed to nurture, love and raise her. Whatever challenges are ahead of me, I just hope I have the personal strength to trust God and move through.
It's not always easy. Yesterday was hard. I cried and cried, just wondering what the future for my kids looks like. I sat on the floor and played ponies. I was prancing them around and playing with Aubree and Miles. The tears started streaming and Kendra walked over to me and grabbed my face and hugged me. She said "Why you sad, Mama?" I just told her "My heart was having a hard day". She said "I love your heart, even if its broken Mom, I love you to the moon and back". Of course, I cried a little harder. We completed our play-time with some rattles and nursery rhymes. The 5 of us were enjoying ourselves and in that moment, I knew I was enough.
Here goes nothing!
So much has changed in these past few months. Lets start with the youngest for a change. My sweet Baylee Renae is a feisty little sassy pants jokester. She is brilliant, talkative, full of energy, loves sweet peas, bananas and splashing in the bath tub. Splash as in FLOOD the entire bathroom. She has figured out how to be happier during the day and is my best sleeper. She is ready for bed by 8 p.m. and she DOES need her beauty sleep. Temperamental, yes. Some habits are harder to break ;). I sure do love that youngest little lady of mine. Especially when she reaches her arms out for me and waddles (yep, she waddles) towards me with her hands opening and closing as if to say "gimme-gimme".
Aubree Ashley is the easy going polar opposite of her little sister Bay. Although Bay outweighs her sister by a solid couple of pounds, Aubs is a couple inches taller. Aubree is a sweet little dare devil. If we don't lock the doors, she will open them and head outside, right down the steps. No fear in that little one. She loves when her daddy tickles her and throws her high in the air. Seventeen days ago, Aubree finally recieved her first CI. 10 days ago, we were live! Her cochlear implant was activated. It was a long and rocky road, complete with a couple of let downs where we actually made our way to surgery day only to be sent home. Most recently, this past Monday, we were supposed to get her 2nd side implanted when our Doctor was ill and unable to perform surgery. Were just happy that she recovered so nicely from her first surgery. Oh, and the new technology is amazing!! A remote that beeps when she takes her implant off, genius :)
Miles is doing awesome. He loves school and has been figuring out how to go to bed at a decent hour! Miraculous. I didn't think we would ever get as far as we've come with this issue, and there is still room to go. Miles loves wearing his hearing aids now, were just working on getting him to realize when the batteries are dead so we can give him sound as opposed to shouting and wondering why he doesn't respond ;). Were hoping the new method will be more effective, eventually.
Kendra just turned 5. I can't hardly believe my baby girl is 5!! She asks me more often than I'd wished how many days before kindergarten. HAHA! Soon enough, little lady. Its way too early for a countdown. For Kendras birthday, my mom sent my sister and Matt (and I tagged along) to get her ears pierced. I don't handle painful situations with the most grace, so initially I was not expected to be able to handle an ear piercing. I proved those neigh-sayers wrong! Kendra did sooo amazing, I was even able to video it. Although, I looked away when they were saying 3,2,1. Kendra was able to come with us to Aubrees activation. She had a dentist appointment (multi-tasking, have to take advantage of those times Hubby is home and were going out of town) and afterwards she sat in on our appointment with the audiologist. We also saw the surgeon that day, and it was incredibly encouraging how proud and wide they smiled at how great Kendras speech was. She not-so-humbly would say "I know" when they would complement her. Were going to work on that :)
Noah is the most amazing 7 year old I could have ever imagined having. Last night at Awana, he got his quarter in the jar (a game they play with their "dues" they bring each week) and earned a piece of candy. He was also a book finished which awarded him another piece of candy. Lastly, his team won the collaborative group challenge and that made 3 pieces of candy. I looked over at his proud, partially toothless grin and he licked his lips and smiled some more. He walked over to me at the end and said "I have three candies so now Kendra and Milesy can each get one too". My heart was full, and the craziest part was how predictable this situation was. I knew it before he even announced that this would be his idea. I'm blessed with some of the most selfless and wonderful kids.
In a nutshell, I've been feeling less than prepared for all of the little swerves and curves life has thrown at me. It would seem that nothing should really throw me into a mental state of shock anymore, yet I tend to react in that sort of a manner. The biggest thing that has been crippling my heart lately is still the unknown with Aubree. Her auditory neuropathy is still the road less traveled for us. I've been reading blog posts and hearing testimonials from other parents with children that have chosen this route. Unfortunately, the results are not always the same. I'm really hoping and praying that Aubree will be one of the big success stories. Just like her brothers and sister. There is always a reality that I need to sink my teeth into. That may not be the case, and it's really too early to tell. Lord providing, I am the mother that Aubree needs, and Matt and I are the parents that God designed to nurture, love and raise her. Whatever challenges are ahead of me, I just hope I have the personal strength to trust God and move through.
It's not always easy. Yesterday was hard. I cried and cried, just wondering what the future for my kids looks like. I sat on the floor and played ponies. I was prancing them around and playing with Aubree and Miles. The tears started streaming and Kendra walked over to me and grabbed my face and hugged me. She said "Why you sad, Mama?" I just told her "My heart was having a hard day". She said "I love your heart, even if its broken Mom, I love you to the moon and back". Of course, I cried a little harder. We completed our play-time with some rattles and nursery rhymes. The 5 of us were enjoying ourselves and in that moment, I knew I was enough.
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