August? How did I not see you coming??
This summer is really flying by. My July calendar was jam packed with different events, activities, commitments and appointments for the kids. I definitely over committed, yet when I look back, there isn't really anything that I would have changed about how we spent our time.
If you've read my blog before, you are familiar that I am a walking, talking lesson learning machine. I always have my eyes and ears open, actively anticipating the lesson I am supposed to be soaking up during the seasons of life. This summer I think there have been very clear messages laid out for me to take in:
Show up. Reach out. Manage your busy- (you will live, I promise). Talk to God. Don't dwell, sweetheart. Move forward productively lamb chop. (I have to say those lovingly, because my love language is words of affirmation... so maybe this lesson will soak in more and more if I puff myself up ;)). Be thankful, even for the chaos.
You have to show up, even when its hard. Sometimes it is well past my comfort zone, but if I don't give it a try, I just wonder and dwell on the experience that I missed out on.
You've got to reach out. My lady friends will tell you, this is not my strongest attribute. I am not incredible about initiating contact. However, I know that my friends deserve this from me. I want them in my life. Let's take that a step further, I NEED them in my life. Receiving snail mail from my friends has shiver shocked me into tears a few times this summer.. it's such a blessing when you know that someone is thinking of you, praying for you and LOVING you. Do yourself a favor, be that blessing to someone. You won't regret it.
Manage your busy, with a smile. I have a lot of kids. Sometimes it feels like I have 24 three year olds.. They keep me busy and its not always a kind of busy that I have the patience to be thankful for. This summer, we had a boat and lake day at my brother and sister in laws house. All was amazing, surrounded by friends and family-- what was there not to be thankful for?? Until, all of a sudden my good friend Jez shouted from the dock "uh-oh, I think there was a sibling who pushed another sibling into the lake with their devices on"..... duh.. duh... duhhhhhhhn. The air went from light and fluffy to heavy and stale. I was left with a grief stricken 9 year old (who had shoved his 7 year old sister in the lake) and a wise beyond her years 7 year old (who held onto her CI's as opposed to plugging her nose as she was pushed in).
Kendra came up out of the water and her CI's were.... lets just say not sounding right. She was so proud that her ears had not fallen off in the lake, because she had held on to them tight as she swam to the ladder and got out of the water. But she was tearful, because she just wanted to hear and her CI's were not working.
Renae the mom had to go off-duty for a hot second and become Renae the cochlear implant extraordinaire. I thought to myself, great, there is no back up here. I felt a sort of panic, because one of Kendra's CI's is out of warranty. There was also the fact that we were supposed to be having this great time socializing with all these people, and right now her world was quiet. I went in the house and I had a mini pity party, feeling guilty for the look of destruction that passed over my face that my 9 year old witnessed over his 'fun-loving' brotherly act of pushing his sister in. I felt overwhelmed by deafness and the innocence of having a little beach day fun-- and being a kid. It was kind of like my family was robbed of a freedom, robbed of an experience. So maybe it wasn't a mini-party. I think I had a full out tantrum, by myself.
Finally, I took a few deep breaths. I guess I laced up my boots, so to speak and decided I needed to do what ever I could to make this situation better.
Don't dwell. Move forward in a productive way. I said a little prayer and I believe the words that came out of my mouth were "Lord, if you don't want this cochlear implant to work, I will trust that that is right"..... "but please, please, please.. just let it be fixable" ----- guess I'm not afraid to beg.
So... I took all the pieces apart to let them dry out. I didn't have our CI dryer from home, so I decided to use a hair dryer on cool to lightly blow out all of the cables. I inspected all of the pieces, decided they looked dry enough and reassembled the cochlear implant. I went to find Kendra, to have the moment of truth when she put the CI's back on......
"They work mama, it doesn't sound like "wshhhwshhhwshhhzaaaap" anymore!"
Be thankful. Even in the midst of this incredibly chaotic situation, the feeling of complete relief overwhelmed my whole body. Minutes later, my Noah walked in the house. Noah is a boy full of shoulder shrugs and few words. He walked straight up to my chest and buried his face full of tears into me. Conviction.
Actions are as loud as words, play fair. I know the face that I gave Noah was powerful enough to crush even the strongest of spirits. It wasn't fair of me. I need to learn how to control my face, my reactions and my emotions. My kids are 10 (ahhhhh!!! I have a 10 year old..) 7, 6, 3 and 3 --- they don't need to have any burden from my reactions. Do I mean that they need no discipline? Ahh,, no. I'm raising real life human beings who are going to go into the world and make it a better place. What I mean is, kids can be kids. Even deaf kids. It is a lesson that I have to remind myself regularly.
And that was just one snippet in time from this summer shenanigans. However, those have been the recurring themes.
In all things in this life I'm living, I feel like I want to have complete and total control. With unending support and love, my heavenly father has continually whispered to me "Igotchu babe"...
