That's the way I felt, in a nutshell, yesterday. My amazing husband, so thoughtful and kind, brought some home videos to a 'video guy' in Marshall. He made us DVD's that consisted of our wedding and Noah's CI surgery, recovery and activation. I couldn't hardly breathe yesterday (yucky cold) but I can't imagine a better way to spend my day that watching these videos and napping! :)
We were in our living room, kids were playing and we were playing with them. Big kids, we are. Suddenly, without discussing anything, Matt called Noah upstairs to watch a movie. I thought, huh, usually we watch movies in the evening.. but I went with it. Noah sat down, and Matt turned on the TV. The main screen showed an image of Matt and I in our wedding attire and another icon that was Noah when he was just 1 year old. Instantly, I was flooded with emotion. These are both videos that we have never watched together. We never took the time to put them on DVD's!
The first one we watched was our wedding. It was so fun to see all those baby faces!!!! I watched on, the beginning of the video was our rehearsal. I knew it was coming, and started holding back tears early on. I watched my bridesmaids clasp arms with Matt's groomsmen, practicing their march down the aisle. I listened the the music played, and felt the tingly butterfly-feel good feelings, deep down in my heart. I smiled on. Finally, the video focused in on the back of the church. Pointed directly at long time bestie Katie, as she kept us all organized. She says "Nae, it's your turn". My dad reaches his arm out for me to grab on to, and just like that, he practiced walking me down the aisle.
I cried, still crying now, just remembering how special that time was. I've told the story before about when my dad walked me down at rehearsal. How we get to the end of the aisle and Pastor Dave asks "Who gives this woman to this man" and my Dad replies in the most genuine way "Her ma and I". -- I've got it all on video. My memory has not let me down, it happened just the way I remember it. Jeez, I really miss my dad.
There are times that I think about how emotional I can get and I think, Good grief! What is wrong with me? It will be 9 years since my dad passed away in two days. Nine years is a really long time. So much has changed in these last nine years, but one thing hasn't. I still wish I had my dad here with me.
I had a talk with my mom a couple days ago, and she spilled some of her feelings to me and I shared some with her. I just don't know if we will ever really be over it. Some of those last moments, the last 3 months in particular. I think back to his last week of life, our last conversation. I told him I would see him at home in 3 days, and he just shrugged and smiled. I will never forget that face. I will never forget how agitated he was when we all arrived at the hospital. He was not communicative anymore, but he was uncomfortable and seemed so irritable. Ugh, its a painful memory. My brother, lovingly grabbed his hand and just said to him "it's okay dad, were all here now". Do you ever just feel like if you make the wrong move, breathe wrong, make any sudden movements or anything at all-- your just going to lose it? That's how I was in that moment. Frozen at the corner of his bed, looking on with tears welling up in my eyes. My brother said to me "Come over here Nae, he would want you to comfort him". I shook my head no. He further coaxed me and told me it was all going to be okay. I walked to his bedside in complete shock. I inhaled deeply and cried a deep yet silent cry, with tears streaming down my face. I grabbed onto his left arm and I squeaked "It's okay Dad, were all here now". He was now calm, he seemed more comfortable. My heart was broken as I looked across the room at my mom who had welled up eyes. She was sitting next to the chair that my dad was sitting on the last time I was in his room. I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it, he was supposed to be coming home. A few days ago, we were talking about taking him home.
That's what I remember. That's what I think about when I grieve the loss of my dad. I don't know if I've ever felt so out of control of a situation in my life. Bear in mind, I was not spiritually sound at this point in my life. I believed that there was a God, but I did not have much understanding of Jesus Christ and his death. My husband was much more aware of his spiritual well being. He knew and had a strong hearted faith in and belief in the Lord. Immediately, I wondered what I did wrong. Why did I deserve this?? If there was a God, why did he just take my father from me? I was mad. MAD, hurt, sad and really just in shock. Matt, on the other hand, he had faith. He believed in something greater than me. I kept wondering what more I could have done while Matt knew that the work was already done for him, through Jesus, through grace. It took me a couple more years to understand Matt, and his ideas. I wasn't through with blaming myself.
Present day, I know better. I know that there is nothing I could have done to have saved my dad. I think back to a time in November, just before his 48th birthday. Less than three months before I said my last goodbye to my dad, we had a conversation about his life. We were on our way to Sioux Falls, I was taking him to an appointment that he had with his pain management specialist (due to a work injury he suffered about 3-4 years prior). He told me he thought he was a bad man and that he hoped the Lord would have mercy on his soul. I shook my head and scrunched my eyebrows, then I said "Why would you think your a bad man, I think you are a good man!" He lowered his head, at this time we thought maybe he was battling pneumonia. His voice was deeper than normal, scratchy and quiet. He said, "You know my girl, I've always wanted to be good. I don't make the right choices. I want you all to know I always loved you. I know I've hurt you guys, and your ma. I just hope you guys forgive me. I hope God can forgive me." He closed his eyes, in the passenger seat of my car and took a nap the rest of the way to Sioux Falls. I stared blankly ahead at the road, a little bit weirded out by our conversation.
I find more comfort in that conversation now than I ever did in that moment. In fact, I don't think I appreciated the nature of that conversation until recently. My dad believed.
It's always a bit more of an emotional time for me, remembering all of the different events that led up to Feb 3, nine years ago. It really was something special, especially for my oldest, Noah, to be able to watch the video and see my dad. He said "wow, he was really tall" :)
What a fun memory, to watch a whole bunch of people that love and support Matt and I. You people, literally, amaze me still today. I had some old friends from Hatton (Leah, Josh and Pete) on camera, placing table decorations and putting together archways. I watched Katie manage people after I declared "do NOT ask me any more questions" --- I may have been a bit of a bridezilla? Dezi, Jess, Anna, Tiff and my sister Ash were the most amazing supporters. Minimal eye rolls ;) Such a beautiful time! Danielle, thank you for videoing the rehearsal. Wow, so much love and beautiful memories encapsulated in that kind gesture my husband made-- a wedding DVD.
Although I'm an emotional basket case (mostly behind the comfort of the closed doors in my home) I am extremely grateful for the "I love Renae" peeps in my life. Many of those people have evolved into "We think the Steffens are pretty great" and I love those people too :). Some say they don't want the village to have any input on their lives or their kids upbringing, but I'm not one of them. I love my village. The people that support, care for, love, bring my kids to school, get my butt out of bed in am for a workout, text me cuz they care, ask for my opinion-- because they think MY opinion is valuable, know that even if we don't talk everyday-- I still have love for them, listen to my stories, laugh at my jokes and know that sometimes I am emotional. Those people, yes, all of them. I love them.
So I'm probably going to go read the letters my dad wrote to me, you know, I've mentioned them before if you've been a long time blog follower. I will have tears streaming while I smile in fond memory of when my dad would ask me about how my days are going and let me know how much he cared about me. Don't worry, I have a roast in the crockpot, so my family won't starve ;)
