I can't hardly believe I knew my login for this blogging shenanigans. Apparently, I didn't publish one post in 2020. Much happened, for all of the world.
Fear. Disbelief. Panic. Worry. YOLO.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Done. Over-it!
Just me? Doubt it. We all experienced a whole array of different feelings, even inside an hour. But here we are, trucking along and doing the best with what we have. We're just doing our own best with what we know. That's all that we can do. Oh, and take time to be an encourager -- we all could use more of that!
Reflection is my gift/curse. Sometimes I'm like Rain Man, reviewing and reflecting even in the immediate. Calculating. Always thinking and always taking it all in. I've come to realize that this has propelled me to high-highs as a strength of mine. It's also drug me down into low-lows as I believe it to be conducive to downward spirals of anxiety. Unwarranted fear over what I should have said or done, what I shouldn't have said or done or what I wish I could do over.
Reflecting and course correction is sooo good, SO GOOD! But not at the expense of sanity. I'm working on that :)
If you know, you know. 2019 was a horrible year for me. 2018 is a bit of a blur, but I'm pretty sure it was even worse than '19. I was sinking. I was not my best self and I almost gave up. I started to struggle with simple things, even driving. I tremble when I re-hash the truth, when I vulnerably admit the spot I was in. No one wants to claim the ugliest scarves in their closet. I almost hung myself on mine </3
Not literally, but in my head I had plans. I had a certain amount of money that I had to make of my own to feel good about leaving my husband behind with 5 kids. I had a plan to remove myself from being an integral part of the company I had worked with for over 10 years. I wrote notes with the most heartfelt expression, with many tweaks over many weeks/months to try my best to make them the perfect "last words" for those closest to me. Sometimes my kids would hug me and I would just cry. I was not stable.
The level of my own self-worthiness was so far deteriorated that I took the most reasonable feedback and interpreted it into Renae hate. I was fully convinced that my kids, my work, my friends, my husband and all the people that I truly cared so much for, would be better off without me.
It was up and very much down and honestly, it was so scary. I can't believe how much I almost gave up. I wasn't just giving up on myself, I was giving up on the most beautiful humans.
Through a couple of local tragedies, I was awoken. I hate that these things had to happen to people in my community. I hate that these types of things happen at all. I also hate the fact that it could have been me. I grieved. I shook, literally. Selfishly, I'm so grateful that my family did not have to be the ones to say goodbye. There were several re-defining moments, where life was less foggy. Sometimes it would be as simple as a middle of the day phone call from my husband when I would think, I don't want to miss this call. Others were more public, like while I was at my bonus nieces dance recital and just bawling as she danced on stage. I was alive. She was so beautiful. I was alive and I was there to see her just dance so beautifully. May, 2019.
It takes a lot to heal from self destruction. Support, affirmation, patience. Thank God for Matt. If your taking the time read this, likely I thank God for you, too.
I can remember the New Years celebration, when we jumped from 2019 to 2020 and we had a whole lot of woo-hoo at the idea of a GREAT new year. We had no idea what was coming, but I'll be darned if me and mine didn't do our best to accomplish that goal anyway.
April 18, 2020 -- The day I decided that I wanted to take health into my hands and LIVE with my best body. I started to eat well, with the goal of just having one day of good choices and not emotionally eating. Gradually, I wanted to eat reasonably for 3 days, then 7 onto 14 and up to 21 days. Food had a grip on me, but I wanted to take control back. I wanted to LIVE my best life. It felt really good to want to live. I was WORTH it!
Truth be told, I had gained 10 COVID pounds (and that might be giving myself some grace on the scale) between March 15 - April 18. Those were the quickest pounds to lose, thankfully, I had that accomplished before day 21. But at that point, I just wanted to start moving. Gyms were closed, my family was nervous about what we could or couldn't do, parks were closed and all odds were kind of against me. But... I was ALIVE. I wanted to live. We went on bike rides and walks. Due to demands with COVID, we waited 3 months to get our basketball hoop and almost a year for our trampoline, but we muscled through and found ways to stay active. We made the best of what we had with the best of what we knew and we LIVED <3
Sorry to admit this, as some might see us as making poor decisions. We got to a point by June, that we wanted to enjoy our families and our people. For goodness sake, life is fragile with and without viruses. There are tragedies, cancers, accidents and let's not forget, mental health. We just have to encourage and support people to do the best they can, with what they have and what they know. And that is going to look different for each of us, but respectfully -- support and encouragement is option #1, and option #2 is silence.
So here we are, May 18, 2021. I'm doing pretty well in my health journey. Simply moving my body and fueling it. I lost 40 lbs and have maintained. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm pretty proud of what I've accomplished. Also, I am so happy to be alive.
It's been one year and one month since I decided to LIVE a life that will Lord willing lead me into years and years of growing older, grayer and wiser. Wiser, stronger and faster. Faster, more fit and more confident. More confident, full of grace and faith filled.
It's coming up on two years since I decided to live closer to Jesus on this side of heaven.
If you or someone you know needs help, there is always someone available.
Crisis Text Line (text BRAVE to 741741) and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK)
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