I took a few months worth of a "break" from sharing my thoughts. I did not even make notes to reflect or take much time to process how things made me feel. I had what I thought to be a true "break-up" with my blog "whatrtheodds". Nobody will notice, I convinced myself. People don't expect me to have the time to pound out the keyboard for an hour and spill my soul. It was November, and my husband said to me "that sounds like a blog post coming on". I brushed it off, thought nah. It didn't even entice me (although remembering this comment, I cannot recall what the situation was we were talking about :( bummer... maybe there is some logic to those 'notes' I would write (or text) myself). Later, a great friend of mine gifted me a coffee mug with the words "Every Day is a Gift" ha! Catchy :) Those words, so familiar. A handwritten note praising my experiences and my abilities to write about them. I was still not shaken. Christmastime rolled around and one of Matt's aunts gave me the "eye-contact/I'm here for you/I want to give you an encouraging word" talk in regards to my blog. I was shocked that she was a reader! Still not convinced I had anything worthy of sharing, I wrote no notes. Just a few weeks ago, a McDonald's playland date led me to lunch with a couple of great girlfriends. One of them says "Can this be your new blog???" I'm pretty sure I just shrugged my shoulders, shook my head and smiled. I still had no motivation to write. Were my experiences helping anyone?? Was I crazy for ever thinking it was necessary to publish my highs/lows and all the in-betweens? Maybe a little bit. But I'm back, at least for now. I think my 3 month break has taught me something BIG. Maybe even HUGE! I have a lot of feelings and emotions and some people really do appreciate what I have to say. Most importantly, my experiences matter. They are me, and my family- and we really are some kind of special.
Here goes nothing!
So much has changed in these past few months. Lets start with the youngest for a change. My sweet Baylee Renae is a feisty little sassy pants jokester. She is brilliant, talkative, full of energy, loves sweet peas, bananas and splashing in the bath tub. Splash as in FLOOD the entire bathroom. She has figured out how to be happier during the day and is my best sleeper. She is ready for bed by 8 p.m. and she DOES need her beauty sleep. Temperamental, yes. Some habits are harder to break ;). I sure do love that youngest little lady of mine. Especially when she reaches her arms out for me and waddles (yep, she waddles) towards me with her hands opening and closing as if to say "gimme-gimme".
Aubree Ashley is the easy going polar opposite of her little sister Bay. Although Bay outweighs her sister by a solid couple of pounds, Aubs is a couple inches taller. Aubree is a sweet little dare devil. If we don't lock the doors, she will open them and head outside, right down the steps. No fear in that little one. She loves when her daddy tickles her and throws her high in the air. Seventeen days ago, Aubree finally recieved her first CI. 10 days ago, we were live! Her cochlear implant was activated. It was a long and rocky road, complete with a couple of let downs where we actually made our way to surgery day only to be sent home. Most recently, this past Monday, we were supposed to get her 2nd side implanted when our Doctor was ill and unable to perform surgery. Were just happy that she recovered so nicely from her first surgery. Oh, and the new technology is amazing!! A remote that beeps when she takes her implant off, genius :)
Miles is doing awesome. He loves school and has been figuring out how to go to bed at a decent hour! Miraculous. I didn't think we would ever get as far as we've come with this issue, and there is still room to go. Miles loves wearing his hearing aids now, were just working on getting him to realize when the batteries are dead so we can give him sound as opposed to shouting and wondering why he doesn't respond ;). Were hoping the new method will be more effective, eventually.
Kendra just turned 5. I can't hardly believe my baby girl is 5!! She asks me more often than I'd wished how many days before kindergarten. HAHA! Soon enough, little lady. Its way too early for a countdown. For Kendras birthday, my mom sent my sister and Matt (and I tagged along) to get her ears pierced. I don't handle painful situations with the most grace, so initially I was not expected to be able to handle an ear piercing. I proved those neigh-sayers wrong! Kendra did sooo amazing, I was even able to video it. Although, I looked away when they were saying 3,2,1. Kendra was able to come with us to Aubrees activation. She had a dentist appointment (multi-tasking, have to take advantage of those times Hubby is home and were going out of town) and afterwards she sat in on our appointment with the audiologist. We also saw the surgeon that day, and it was incredibly encouraging how proud and wide they smiled at how great Kendras speech was. She not-so-humbly would say "I know" when they would complement her. Were going to work on that :)
Noah is the most amazing 7 year old I could have ever imagined having. Last night at Awana, he got his quarter in the jar (a game they play with their "dues" they bring each week) and earned a piece of candy. He was also a book finished which awarded him another piece of candy. Lastly, his team won the collaborative group challenge and that made 3 pieces of candy. I looked over at his proud, partially toothless grin and he licked his lips and smiled some more. He walked over to me at the end and said "I have three candies so now Kendra and Milesy can each get one too". My heart was full, and the craziest part was how predictable this situation was. I knew it before he even announced that this would be his idea. I'm blessed with some of the most selfless and wonderful kids.
In a nutshell, I've been feeling less than prepared for all of the little swerves and curves life has thrown at me. It would seem that nothing should really throw me into a mental state of shock anymore, yet I tend to react in that sort of a manner. The biggest thing that has been crippling my heart lately is still the unknown with Aubree. Her auditory neuropathy is still the road less traveled for us. I've been reading blog posts and hearing testimonials from other parents with children that have chosen this route. Unfortunately, the results are not always the same. I'm really hoping and praying that Aubree will be one of the big success stories. Just like her brothers and sister. There is always a reality that I need to sink my teeth into. That may not be the case, and it's really too early to tell. Lord providing, I am the mother that Aubree needs, and Matt and I are the parents that God designed to nurture, love and raise her. Whatever challenges are ahead of me, I just hope I have the personal strength to trust God and move through.
It's not always easy. Yesterday was hard. I cried and cried, just wondering what the future for my kids looks like. I sat on the floor and played ponies. I was prancing them around and playing with Aubree and Miles. The tears started streaming and Kendra walked over to me and grabbed my face and hugged me. She said "Why you sad, Mama?" I just told her "My heart was having a hard day". She said "I love your heart, even if its broken Mom, I love you to the moon and back". Of course, I cried a little harder. We completed our play-time with some rattles and nursery rhymes. The 5 of us were enjoying ourselves and in that moment, I knew I was enough.
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