I'm making a Renae Record today, sharing blog post #3 this month.
I am a woman who has been through a fair bit in her life. I sit here today, only 29 years old, but have a lifetimes worth of situations, life experiences, grief, hardships and let downs. My story is not the worst of the worst nor is it filled with rainbow chasing and unicorn riding. More times than I can count, I have been referred to as a young yet wise one, wise beyond my years or just having an old spirit. I got here somehow, and I'm pretty sure its through perspective and life experiences.
If you think that I have this impeccably rosy outlook in life, I should be convicted of fraud. I don't always feel like everything is going to be okay, because sometimes it isn't. People don't always beat the illness and you don't always beat the odds. That is life. Life is full of surprises, the good kind and the bad.
I'm a pretty open book, so it would appear. I mean, I publish a blog and share some of my deepest feelings. I put it right there in the open for all the critique and form opinions. Meanwhile, I have even deeper feelings, doubts and heartaches that I just bury. I bury some things so deep that sometimes I just feel lifeless and cry.
Moody, irrational, irritable, easily upset, harboring hurt feelings, tender minded, feeling left out, feelings of not being "enough", not being somebody's "person". Haven't we all had these feelings??
Angry, closed off, slow to speak (for fear of saying it all wrong), un-responsive, hiding your "true" feelings. Wondering where do I fit?? Do any of those "feels" sound familiar?
I have all different sorts of feelings on any given day. I'm admittedly an emotional rollercoaster. I love to laugh and have fun. I have perfected many different faces to go along with my well thought out and calculated "one liners" that are almost sure to promote laughter from those around me. Other times, I am serious and focused. At work, I can almost come off as unapproachable, because I appear very straight laced and on a mission. One time, when asked at a MOM's group I was attending, "what kind of fruit I would compare myself to and why" I wittily answered, "I am most like an orange, because you have to peel off my outer layer to really know me". I don't even know where those words came from, but I said it and thought -- Renae, you are smarter than ya look!
Sometimes it is really hard to admit that your hurting or that your sad. It is much easier to just play pretend and act like the cowardly lion-- heartless. It would be much easier if I didn't let other peoples actions dictate my attitude. Now I sound like my husband..... but I am just not wired that way. Some people wear their feelings on their sleeves, and others are just like me -- I hold much of it in, and when I feel hurt or let down, I let go. I walk away, carrying the hurt silently with me and just let it be. I don't let go, I just let it be....
Many times, I've flooded my mind with thoughts like "I'm just not good enough".... "Renae, you just don't mean as much to that person as you thought".... "You probably had that coming"....
I am hard on myself. Good grief, aren't we all just a little harder on ourselves than we ought to be? Ughh. I was talking with a co-worker for about 5 minutes today. Somehow, we got on the topic of depression and feeling sorry for ourselves, as we both know someone who is struggling with some hard feelings right now. It really got me to thinking. It isn't just today and this conversation with you (Cathy!!) but seriously, feelings can be so tough. It's really hard to navigate, because feelings are valid-- how you feel is very valid. It's most definitely how you respond that is going to make or break your future. I'm not sure why I let things break my spirit, even though I do it in usually a private and quiet way, but I am very sensitive like that. Our audiologist just told me on Monday that I need to toughen up my skin when it comes to the deaf community - true story. Sensitive subjects like that give me certain "feels" but its even the little things that can affect me.. If you don't wish me a happy birthday, I might wonder where I've gone wrong. Don't like the cute picture of my kids on Facebook?? Yikes, I might take that personal. I'm driven by words of affirmation and the lack of those beautiful little words can leave me in a tail spin.
I really have to take a step back and try to grasp reality, because my happiness can't depend on words of affirmation, quality time, praise or appreciation. Likewise, my happiness can't depend on friends and family surviving the illness or sweet little babies having their hearing restored. Those things don't always happen. Babies aren't always "born". Those things hurt, they sting like a bee, even 8 years later. Not many people know, but I know I experienced postpartum depression after I had Noah. I was not a very good mom to him. I was a scared 19 year old, who had just lost her own daddy to a miserable illness. When I found out that my little boy was not "perfect" I raged. I was miserable and angry. Matt and I decided about a year later we wanted to have "one more baby" -- (yeah, yeah, yeah.. that was the "plan"). I have not told many people-- but I miscarried a sweet little angel baby at 13 weeks in between Noah and Kendra. I can still remember my friend Anna, calling me on my little NOKIA cell phone. I silenced it, let it go to voicemail. Her message said "Please Renae, don't shut me out. I just want to be here for you". Man did she know me well...
One day I woke up and decided, I just don't want to be miserable or angry anymore. Slowly, I've let go of some of the hurt and sadness I've had. I decided to forgive my dad, for choosing alcohol above all of us for all of those years. I decided to embrace being a mom to Noah and forgive myself for being so upset with his deaf diagnosis. I had to forgive myself for my genetics, something I had no control over and how it caused all my kids hearing loss. It wasn't until I found God that I realized that forgiveness was necessary for me to operate on all cylinders. Later I clung onto the idea that not everybody gets to grow to be old, life is too short for me to hold onto that stuff that leaves me with the yucky feelings. Does stuff hurt me?? Yes, far more often than I care to admit. Am I overly sensitive?? Oh, you can bet your writing hand on it. I'm working on it and I'm working on me.
I am sooooo far from perfect. I can give the best advice in the world (okay, that might be a little bit of a stretch), but I can give pretty good advice... I just haven't figured out why I'm not always smart enough to listen to my own stuff. Don't hold it all in, people REALLY do care and your feeling are so-so-SO very valid.
If you are feeling sad, feeling let down, or feeling like everything is just not going the way it is supposed to.. you are not alone --
Love--- One girl who is also trying to keep it all together.
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